Diary of a Wedding Planner in Love (Tales Behind the Veils Book 2) (32 page)

He cleared his throat again and reached to pick a blade of grass, shredding it as he talked. "She pretty much never came home after that. I'd go days at a time without even seeing her. When she did come home to grab clothes or take a shower, Kristen was always with her. The two of them would laugh and giggle. Talk some secret language I couldn't decipher. Total bullshit. So I finally asked her if she wanted to be married to Kristen or me, and you know the rest of the story."

He moved toward the bench, but he didn't sit down. Instead he went around behind it to stand, almost as though he was putting a barrier between us.

"I just thought you should know the whole story," he said. "The parts I couldn't tell you before. I felt ashamed. Embarrassed. Too vulnerable to admit how I felt and what had happened because of it. But I've realized since we split up you deserved to know. I should have been honest with you."

I didn't know what to say. I mean, what on earth could I possibly say to all that?

He turned to walk away, and I called his name to stop him.

He paused, still facing the cars, but then he slowly turned and looked at me.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"Home. I've said what I needed to say, and now I'll leave you to your life. I hope the two of you will be very happy together."

"Would you please listen to me? I'm not dating Jack."

Cabe laughed, or snorted, I guess I should say. I couldn't decipher whether it was derisive or if he actually thought my statement was funny.

"I've just been painfully honest with you, Tyler. The least you could do is not stand here and lie to me."

"Okay, you know what? Here's the truth. There
was
something between us in Paris. I did have feelings for Jack. A connection, I guess you could say. I can't define it because I never understood it. I guess I got from Jack all those things you got from Monica. He made me laugh. He made me feel good. He let me know he wanted me around and that I was special to him. And yeah, I enjoyed his company."

"And his bed?" He crossed his arms again, his entire body rigid in defensiveness.

"What the hell? Why are you so hung up on that? I have never had sex with Jack Rainey, okay? Have I kissed him? Yes. Have I spent the night in his arms? Yes. Have I wanted to sleep with him? Yes, I guess I have. But you wanna know what stopped me? You. Because I don't love Jack Rainey, dumbass. I love you. And for the life of me, I can't understand how two people who say they love each other can screw something up so badly."

I walked past him to my car, praying the whole time for him to stop me, but he didn't.

I looked back at him as I stood there with one foot in my car, wondering if I was about to drive away from him for the last time.

"I'm glad you told me the truth, Cabe. Glad you came. But I don't know where we go from here. I think we've drug each other through so much mud at this point that I don't know if the water could ever run clear. Maybe we're just toxic to each other."

He didn't say anything. He just looked at me for what felt like forever and then turned to face the lake.

I drove home completely numb, but no more tears fell. I have none left to give. I replayed the whole conversation at least a million times since I left him there, astounded that our lives got so off track and we caused each other so much pain along the way. Not to mention the casualties who dared to fall in love with us without knowing we weren't available to love.

I said I would let go and move on if he didn't respond. He definitely responded, but then he let me leave. So what now?

Thursday, May 22nd

Cabe called this morning just as I got to work.

"Hey. You available for dinner this evening?"

I sat back in my chair and very carefully considered my response for probably all of, oh, I don't know, two seconds before blurting out yes. I could tell myself all I wanted that I needed to let him go, but the minute he offered, my heart had no response but to be with him.

He picked me up at six and took me to a restaurant near my place. Somehow he'd found one we hadn't been to.

At first, things moved at an awkward pace, both of us unsure of the other. Hesitant to say the wrong thing, and shy after so much time apart. But it didn't take long for the ice to break, and as my laughter came easier, my shoulders started to relax back down away from my ears.

I told him about my promotion, and he talked about how much he enjoyed being back in his old role. We danced around hot topics and didn't mention anything that might bring tension to the table.

Cabe seemed different to me. Older somehow. More serious. Still funny. Still Cabe. But not the same.

He echoed my thoughts as we walked to the car after dinner. "You're different, Ty. I don't know how to describe it, but you carry yourself differently. More confident. More sassy. Self-assured. It looks good on you."

When he opened the car door for me, he stood back and made no move to touch me. He hadn't held my hand or brushed against me the whole night, and my body buzzed with every nerve standing on end and starving for his touch. I was hyper-aware of him. His presence. His scent. His voice. I don't know why I ever thought I could just leave him behind. As though I could function without my heart.

Once we reached my place, I waited for him to come around the car and open my door. He took my hand to help me out, and it felt like electric shock waves passed down my arm and charged through my veins. We walked upstairs together, but he stayed outside when I unlocked the door.

I searched his face, uncertain where to go from there. He hesitated for a moment, but then he took my hand and pressed the back of it to his lips, holding it there for what seemed like forever as I trembled. My heart beat so loudly I feared he would hear it. I tried to take slow, steady breaths to make it calm down, but the proximity of him prevented that from happening.

Finally, he moved my hand away from his lips and clasped it against his chest.

"I'm sure," he said. "You told me not to come back until I was sure. I've always been sure I loved you. I've loved you for so long I can't remember what it feels like to not love you. I just wasn't sure I could make it work."

I attempted to swallow the huge lump in my throat, but it didn't budge. I opened my mouth to speak anyway and hoped it didn't come out as a croak. "And now?"

He smiled and reached up to cup my face in his hand. "I still don't know if we can make it work. I have my issues. You have yours. I have my fears. You have yours. I don't know if I can measure up to everything you need or want, but I know I can't deny my feelings any longer."

I opened my mouth to speak, but he put his finger gently against my lips. "Let me finish. I have a lot I need to say."

He smiled and I nodded as he released my lips and took my hand again.

"For all those years, I could pretend it was your fault. That we'd work if you'd give us a chance. Then when New Year's Eve happened and we seemed to finally be on the same page, I got a little freaked out by it all. It's one thing to love you from afar, but to actually try, to actually be in the relationship I wanted with you, was scary as hell. Because that meant I could fail. I'd failed before. I didn't intend to, but I did. I wasn't willing to fail with you. If we tried and it didn't work, you'd be lost to me forever. We couldn't go back to just being friends after that. A risk I couldn't take. I realize now it wasn't just you preventing 'us' all those years. I share the responsibility, too. My fears were just as much a part of it."

He cleared his throat, and I blinked to see him clearly through my tears.

"I love you, Tyler Warren. I want to give this a go. See where it can take us. I'm willing to give it all I've got. If you'll still have me."

He turned my hand over and kissed my palm, which of course immediately sent chills up my spine. I shivered and hoped I could get the words out without incoherently sobbing.

"I love you, too, Cabe Shaw. With every fiber of my being, I love you. And I'm sorry I didn't see it before. Sorry for the pain I put you through. I wish I could go back…" My voice broke off as a sob seized my throat and the tears flowed. I swear I think I could win some award for crying the most of any person on the planet. I should be in the book of world records or something.

He took my face in his hands, and despite the wet, sloppy, possibly snotty mess, he kissed me and took my breath away.

"We can't go back, Buttercup. But we can go forward."

"Okay, but now there's something I need to say."

Cabe bowed and swung his arm to the side in a gesture to give me the floor.

I swallowed hard against the lump in my throat. "I don't need you to be a prince or to measure up to some image you think I have in my head. You've mentioned that a couple of times now. I just need
you.
I need you to talk to me. Even when you're stressed or angry. Whatever. You can't just disappear on me." I shoved at him, probably only partly playful.

"I know, I know." He wrapped his arms around me and planted a kiss on my lips. "I just don't know what to do when it all goes south. That's why I steer clear of you."

"You can't, though. Life's gonna go south. If we're in this, we're in it. When it goes south, we figure it out together. So when I call you, you gotta call me back. If something happens, you gotta tell me."

"But that's just it. Sometimes, when shit's happening, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to have to answer questions or put on some show trying to act like everything's okay when it's not. So it's easier sometimes just to stay away. I'm not trying to lock you out or anything. In my head, I'm trying to protect you from me being all screwed up."

"You're not protecting me from anything by ignoring me. If you don't want to talk, you tell me you don't want to talk, and that's on me to accept it. But tell me you need space. Don't just disappear. That hurts."

"Okay. No more disappearing acts. I promise." He held me closer and buried his face in my hair. "God, I love you, girl."

We kissed again, this time tender and slow, savoring each other before we said goodbye for the night.

Tuesday, May 27th

Having such an incredible night with Cabe Thursday and then working non-stop weddings for the Memorial Day weekend and not being able to see him for days equated to torture. We talked and texted every day, but I longed to hold him again. The clock moved at an excruciating pace, and I thought six o'clock never would get here.

He said he'd pick me up for dinner tonight, and I assumed he meant a restaurant. Instead, he drove me to our lake and pulled a picnic basket from his back seat. The sun had begun its descent, bathing the lake in golden ambers, deep pinks, and subtle blues. He laid a blanket on the grass in front of our bench and set the basket down on it.

"I hope there's no mosquitoes," Cabe said. "It's still been cool enough in the mornings to keep them at bay here during the day, but I haven't been out here at night in a while."

I looked at him, startled at the way he'd said it. "You come out here at night? Alone?" I wondered if he brought other girls here. To our place. I dreaded his answer.

"Yeah, I do. I come out here a lot actually. It helps me think. Clears my head. And it makes me feel connected to you."

I breathed a sigh of relief that it wasn't a hot date spot for him and relaxed on the blanket.

He poured us both a glass of wine and divvied out the sandwiches and fruit he'd packed. We ate in silence, each of us just happy to be together with no words needed between us.

Cabe plucked grapes from their stems and fed them to me, and I don't know if I've ever experienced anything more sensuous than eating from his hand as we sat there on the blanket. With each grape, his finger traced my lips and then I'd flick my tongue across his skin as I opened my mouth and he pushed the grape inside. It didn't take many grapes before he'd moved the basket out of the way and eased me onto my back on the blanket.

We got reacquainted, and I marveled anew at the effect his body had on mine. I arched toward him as he ravished my neck and laid open my shirt to explore further. His hands worked their magic beneath my skirt, and I didn't even care that we were laying in the middle of a public park in the midst of a neighborhood where any random stranger could come jogging by or casually pass us taking the family dog for a walk.

I think it's quite possible I would have let the man strip me down naked and take me right then and there, but unfortunately, we'll never know.

I don't know how much time had passed with us kissing, whispering, groping, pleasuring. Sharing words of love so long held constrained when he suddenly sat up and looked at his watch in a panic. Then he jumped to his feet and said, "We gotta go."

Picnic items went flying into the basket with no rhyme or reason, and he grabbed my hand and literally pulled me to standing as I struggled to button my shirt and adjust my skirt.

"What are you doing? Why are we in such a hurry?"

"I didn’t realize it was so late. I have to be somewhere," he answered as he opened the passenger door for me and paused to toss the basket in the back seat. "Come on."

I hobbled up to the car with one shoe on and one shoe off, my body going through withdrawal and my brain trying to figure out what happened.

We drove about two blocks before pulling into the driveway of an adorable little cottage house. It sat nestled under tall, thick majestic oaks. A wide porch spanned the front of the house with a swing suspended on one end, and a vignette of table and chairs at the other.

"Whose house is this?"

He looked across the car at me and gave me a tentative smile. "Mine. Proud homeowner. There's someone I want you to meet."

My mind spun with the knowledge Cabe had bought a house that I knew nothing about. I tried to console myself with the thought that there would be plenty of time for us to share it now, but the nagging hurt didn't dissipate. My thoughts caught up with his words about meeting someone just as he opened the front door. A bundle of golden fur bounded out to greet us, rearing up on Cabe's legs and then immediately coming to run its nose up my skirt. I squealed and jumped away, covering my privates with my hands as Cabe admonished the dog.

"No, Deacon. That's not polite. The ladies don't like for you do that unless you buy them dinner first." He laughed at his own joke and reached inside the door to grab a leash, which he affixed to the dog's collar.

"You got a dog??" I asked, my mind completely blown. He bought a house? He got a dog? Who was this guy? And what had he done with Cabe?

"Come on, we gotta get him walking. He's good for about a four hour stretch before he pegs the rug." He adjusted the leash in one hand and grabbed my hand with the other, and we set off down the porch steps following Deacon.

"I can't believe you got a dog. What kind is he?"

"An absolute mutt. He came into the shelter about two weeks ago, and I don't know how it happened. He just spoke to me."

I cocked my head to the side to watch Deacon run. "Really? And what did he say?"

"He said, 'Cabe, I need a good home. And I heard you just bought a good home. Whaddya say?' So I took him up on the offer."

Deacon pulled at the leash as he sniffed each and every bush along our path. His face and body looked like a Labrador, but his short, stout legs were more like a beagle. If you took sculptures of both dogs and split them in half, then switched the top halves to sit upon the other's bottom half, the Labrador top half and Beagle bottom half would be Deacon. Bizarre looking, for sure, but Deacon walked with his head held high with confidence.

"I thought you didn't want a dog. Too much responsibility. Or a house. Same reason."

He chuckled softly and whistled to Deacon as he pulled him back from the street.

"Well, Buttercup, it's the funniest thing. All this thinking I been doing has made me realize the best things in life require a commitment. I've been working myself up to being able to make a pretty important commitment. I figured the house and Deacon here were good practice for me."

"And how's that working out for ya?"

"So far, so good. But Deacon and the house could use a woman's touch. So could I for that matter." He released my hand and slid his arm around my shoulders, leaning in to give me a kiss.

My mind jumped around so much I couldn't focus on one thought at a time.

I'm with Cabe. Cabe loves me. We're back together. Holy shit, he bought a house. He bought a house without me. I would have liked to buy one together. He said it needs a woman's touch. He wants to involve me. That is one bizarre looking dog. His legs disappear under his body when he runs. I can't believe he got a dog. Every four hours he needs to go out? Wow. That's a lot of responsibility. What now? Do we date? Are we dating? Are we still just friends? Do I ask? Will that push him away again? How do I know he's not going to leave?

I felt like a container of jumping beans had been let loose in my head, and the clatter of all those thoughts zipping around were deafening. Maddening. I couldn't clear my head. Couldn't turn it off. I finally just came to a dead stop in the middle of the sidewalk.

"What?" Cabe asked. "What is it? Is something wrong?"

Deacon tugged and pulled, unhappy to have suddenly stopped. He whimpered and whined as he danced in place, eager to be on his way.

"Are you okay?" Cabe bent down to look closer at me. We were between street lamps at the moment, and the shade of the towering tree above us made it hard to see.

I shook my head. "I don't know. This is all a little too much for me to take in. I think I need some answers."

"Okay. I'm an open book. What do you need?"

"What are we doing?"

He maneuvered Deacon back to where we stood and patted the dog's head when he sat. "We're walking the dog."

I gritted my teeth and tried to stay calm. "What are we doing?" I pointed back and forth between us. "You and me. Cabe and Tyler. What is this? I've made the mistake of assuming we were just friends when that was evidently not the case, and I've made the mistake of thinking we were dating when that was wrong, too. So no assumptions. What's going on between us?"

He shrugged as if the answer was no big deal. "I love you. You love me. We're going to see what happens."

"
See what happens?
What does that mean? Because I have to tell you, I'm a little wary at this point. There's a part of me, somewhere in this region," I pointed a circle around my heart, "that is jumping for joy. Screaming and squealing because you're back in my life and you're saying you love me. So that part's seeing all butterflies and rainbows. But this part," I pointed a circle around my stomach, "this part has been kicked around a whole bunch these last few months. Pardon my gut if it's feeling a bit more apprehensive about all this. Uncertain, if you will. How do I know you're not going to change your mind again tomorrow, or the next day? How do I know you're not going to bolt and run again?"

He turned Deacon back in the direction of the house and started walking again, extending his hand for me to take. I took it, annoyed at how his hands were so cool and calm while mine were sweating and shaking.

"I'm not going anywhere. I understand why you'd be hesitant to trust me with everything that's happened. But I love you, Tyler. I'm in. All in. I'm not going anywhere."

I stopped again. "You say that now, but how do you know what you'll feel the first time we get in an argument? Or the first time something difficult happens? A family member dies or one of us loses a job? How do you know for sure? Especially when your answer was '
I don't know
' not so long ago."

"My answer was '
I don't know'
because I didn't know if we could make it work. I still don't know if we can. I guess you're going to have to trust me, Ty. Just like I'm going to have to trust you. Neither one of us knows what the future brings. No guarantees. I can't promise you we won't fail. But I can promise to give you everything I have in making this work. I'm not going anywhere. You will be putting up with me for a very long time."

He kissed me then, and as usual, I lost all train of thought and got caught up in the physical sensations of his kiss. But I couldn't escape my thoughts on the drive home, and I can't shut them down long enough to get to sleep now.

I'm back to my old question, I suppose. How do I know if he's The One? How do I know I won't get hurt? How do I know I won't hurt him? And why, oh why, can't fairy tales be real and happily ever after be the norm and not the exception?