Diary of a Wedding Planner in Love (Tales Behind the Veils Book 2) (30 page)

He nodded again, and if he hadn't been looking at me with such intensity, I might have thought he had tuned me out completely.

"I did want to be with you, Jack. I wanted to spend time with you." It was the truth, although I wasn't sure if I should be trying to convince him or if I should be just letting him go for his own good. Even now with all the cards on the table I wasn't willing to give him up entirely. My security blanket, I suppose.

"I wanted to be with you, too, Tyler. Still do. I definitely wish you had felt like you could talk to me. That you could tell me what was going on. But I guess I can understand why you didn't. I have to ask you, though. Are you still in love with him?"

I looked at Jack and wished I could say no. I wished I could turn my back on every memory of Cabe. Especially the look on his face tonight when he came through my door, and the much different look on his face when he left. I wished I could tell Jack my heart was free to explore whatever might come for us. But I couldn't look him in the eye and lie. I may have been dishonest by not disclosing everything along the way, but I wouldn't just outright lie.

"I think so. I wish I wasn't. I don't want to be. I want to be over him. To move past him. I want to be happy."

Jack nodded slowly as he stared at his hands. I wanted to ask his thoughts, but at the same time, I wasn't sure I wanted to know. I didn't think I could take them both walking out the same night.

Finally, he looked at me and extended his left hand in my direction. He patted the sofa beside him with his right. I got up and went to sit beside him, allowing him to hold me. To hold the tears at bay.

We sat that way for quite some time, completely in silence. I relaxed against him and tried not to think about what would come next.

From him. From me. From Cabe.

Anxiety and tension slowly ebbed away from me as he held me in his arms, safe for the moment from any pain or heartache. I have no idea what he was thinking. I can only imagine how he must have felt. But he just held me. No words. No pressure. Just comfort.

There is so much I could love about Jack. My Prince Charming. I curse myself for not being open to embrace that. To take it and make something solid and stable with it. Why, oh why, must I be so tangled up in Cabe's web when there is safety and security right beside me? Who would have ever thought when the prince finally showed up, I'd be pining for someone else?

I heard a light rumble in his stomach and pulled back to ask if he was hungry.

"I could eat. Do you still feel like going somewhere or do you want to just order in?"

I definitely wasn't up for a public appearance, so I ordered a pizza. We surfed the channels and watched mindless reality television, both of us muted by our own thought processes. I kept expecting him to bring it up again, to say what he was thinking, but he never did. He directed his focus and attention on me and making sure I was okay.

Attentive. Affectionate. Caring. Compassionate.

Guilt stabbed through me for every nice gesture he made. Because the constant dialog in the back of my head played a never-ending stream of "What was Cabe going to say? Why did he come here? Where is he now?"

I took my phone into the bedroom with me to change into my pajamas. I texted Cabe the moment the door closed, thankful I could remember his number since I'd deleted it from the phone.

I want to know what you were going to say. When can we talk?

I got no response.

Jack was standing in the living room staring out the sliding glass door when I came back. He turned and came to me, taking me in his arms and ever so softly planting the sweetest of kisses on my forehead before moving to my lips.

I couldn't refuse him. I didn't want to refuse him. I wanted his safety. His warmth. I had been honest. I had given him the truth. And if he still wanted to hold me, I wanted to be held. I allowed him to kiss me, to embrace me, to make me forget reality again.

I fell asleep like a rock curled against Jack with both his arms wrapped around me. When my alarm went off this morning, he was gone. I rolled over to find a note on my pillow, shocked that I hadn't heard a thing.

Tyler,

You looked so peaceful sleeping that I didn't want to wake you. I called a cab and am headed to the airport. I enjoyed our time together this weekend, and I'm relieved to finally know what haunts you and takes you away when we're together. I know I should probably bow out gracefully and leave you alone to figure out what's left between the two of you, but I'm a stubborn fool sometimes. I care for you deeply, and I'm not willing to let go so easily. Until you tell me I have no chance, I will stay in pursuit of the woman who has stolen my heart.

Yours completely, Jack

Holy Shit. What now?

Tuesday, May 6th

I texted Cabe three times yesterday and again this morning. No response. How can you just show up on my doorstep out of the blue and say you have all this stuff to tell me and then just disappear? What the hell? Typical freakin' Cabe.

It was driving me nuts. I couldn't think. I couldn't concentrate. I just wanted to know what he was going to say. I wanted him to respond to me.

It upset me so much I actually went to the gym at my apartment complex after work. Which I know should probably be a good thing in the overall scheme of life. But for me, that just shows how messed up my head was. I willingly went somewhere to sweat and put myself in pain to get out of pain. I had hoped the physical agony would outweigh the mental agony somehow. Tomorrow it probably will. I can't imagine it's a good idea to suddenly go lift a whole bunch of weights when the heaviest thing I've been lifting is my phone and a wine glass.

But for tonight, it did nothing but fuel the fire. I came out drenched in sweat, pissed at myself for not being able to lift the big ones, and furious with Cabe for making me go to the gym.

I showered and put on a sexy little black dress. I even applied eyeliner and attempted to put my hair up. Then I drove over to Maggie's intent on making him talk to me. Making him see me and give me answers.

No lights shone in the pool house, and his car wasn't in the driveway. I wasn't ready to give up so easily, so I rang Maggie's doorbell.

"Tyler? What a nice surprise! How are you? Come in, come in." Maggie backed up to let me in and went to the stereo to turn down her classical music. The room smelled faintly of garlic and red sauce. My stomach growled loudly in protest, and it dawned on me I had not eaten all day.

"I'm sorry to bother you, Maggie. I was just wondering if Cabe's around?" A stupid question since he obviously wasn't there, but I didn't know what else to say.

Maggie turned to face me, her face a mixture of confusion and what I perceived to be pity.

"No, he's not," she said. "You do know Cabe doesn't live here anymore, don't you?"

I felt punched in the gut, but it may have been hunger. Whatever she'd had for dinner smelled incredible.

"Oh. No. I didn't. I'm sorry."

I was sure then her face held pity. I'd shown up all dolled up on her doorstep looking for her son. The son who had basically dumped me and left me heartbroken. Now she had to tell me he moved. I turned to go, but she put a hand on my arm and asked me to stay.

"Come in for a bit. I was just putting away dinner, and as usual, I've cooked way too much for just me. Could I fix you a plate?"

My stomach literally growled out loud in acceptance just as my mouth uttered, "No thanks. I appreciate the offer."

Maggie laughed. "Sounds like your stomach appreciates the offer. Have you eaten?"

Part of me wanted to stay and cry on her shoulder. To ask her what the hell was up with her son. To devour a plate full of whatever yummy goodness she was offering and seek comfort from someone who knows Cabe. Who loves him. Just to be near someone so close to him. Someone still connected to him. If she was still connected to him. I realized I had no idea if he was even talking to her after the mess with his dad. He had moved out, after all.

I wavered, but decided I couldn't stay. I knew I hovered on the verge of being a blubbering mess, and I didn't want to drag Maggie into my drama.

"I really need to go," I told her. "I just happened to be nearby, and I thought I'd say hi. I'm sorry."

Maggie wrapped her arms around me in an unexpected hug that almost broke down the shoddy dam holding back my emotions.

"Sweetie, you don't have to apologize. You're welcome to stop by here anytime." She released the hug but kept her hands on my arms. "Take care of yourself. Don't be a stranger."

I nodded and thanked her, barely making it to my car before the tears fell. I wanted to go back in there. To ask her where he was living now and how he was doing. But I didn't. If he wanted me to know, he'd tell me. He had come to tell me something. I just had to wait until he came again.

Thursday, May 8th

Jack sent an absolutely humongous bouquet of flowers to the office today. I seriously have never seen such a gorgeous arrangement, which is saying a lot considering I see flowers all the time in my profession. Everyone in the office swarmed around like bees to honey, oohing and aahing like they'd never seen a lily before.

They kept asking questions and grilling me mercilessly, except Lillian, who stood to the side and watched me with an eye that seemed to see right through me. I said as little as possible, not caring to get into any of the details.

The card simply read,
Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. And it makes me smile.

I smiled. I mean, I'm a girl. A guy sends you a bouquet like that just because he's thinking of you, it's gonna make you smile. Especially when the guy is a prince.

But try as I might to just be happy about Jack, my thoughts were consumed with Cabe.

Why wouldn't he text me back? What did he want to tell me?

The immense size of the bouquet prevented me taking it to my own desk, so it sat on display in the reception area. Just as well since I didn't want to stare at them and be reminded of the mess I'd gotten myself into.

I've got one guy who can't get enough of me and one who finds walking away from me much easier than I'd like. I can't seem to let either of them go.

Tuesday, May 13th

It had to be done. I decided last night, and then I worked up my courage all day today.

Jack has called every night since he left a week ago. We texted back and forth during my weddings this past weekend, and he insisted I call and wake him up when I got home from work after midnight Saturday night.

Last night, we'd talked maybe twenty minutes when he invited me to meet his parents.

"I'm heading up to their lake house, and I'd love for you to come. We're looking at the first weekend in June, but if you've got weddings, it could be another weekend. I just need to let my sister know so she can arrange her flight. They're all excited to meet you."

Perspiration immediately popped out all over my body. Like one minute I was fine, listening to him talk while I munched on a handful of Cheetos, and the next, sweat drenched my body and I felt sick to my stomach.

Meet the parents? His sister flying in just to meet me? Oh boy. It all confirmed what I already knew but didn't want to face. Jack was serious. About me. About us.

I'd sort of allowed myself to enjoy talking to him each day. To enjoy his company across the lines. It felt nice to not be lonely. To have companionship, even if it was long distance.

It's not like I don't like Jack. Or that I don't care about him.

But I knew with all certainty when he asked me to meet his parents that I'm not invested in this.

The ugly truth is I've been using Jack to mask my anxiety and pain over Cabe. Much as I used Jack in Paris for the same purpose.

When did I become such a heartless person? When did I become one of those girls?

Leading him on. Dangling a carrot in front of him. Just to get what I needed. What I wanted. Just to be secure in the fact that someone adored me. Someone wanted to be with me. To talk to me. To see me. To introduce me to his parents.

I stammered a half-ass explanation about June being crazy with weddings, but he pointed out I'd already said June was slow for us due to the heat and overcrowded attractions in the area. So then I fell back on my accreditation and the time needed for coursework, and he immediately reminded me I hadn't booked the course yet and he was willing to work around it.

I sat in silence then, running out of reasons and not yet ready to state the truth.

"Tyler?" He paused after saying it, and I held my breath. "Tyler?" He said again, but without a pause this time. "If you don't want to meet my parents, I mean, if you're not ready, or if it's too soon or whatever, just tell me. Communicate, okay? I'm sensing something on the other end of the line, and I just want to know what it is."

I bit my lip and listened to my inner voice rant and rave about the importance of being honest and not leading him on. But my outer voice said, "I'm just tired. I don't know what my schedule looks like, and it's stressful to try and plan anything right now. Maybe another time?"

What a bitch. The guy deserved better. Here he was, asking for honesty and being the charming prince as always, and I couldn't give it to him. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I wasn't ready to give up his phone calls, his laughter, and the way he made me feel.

It's weighed on me all day today that I'm not being fair to Jack. I do care about him. But I'm not in love with him. Not the way I was with Cabe. I don't know if I ever could be.

I'm not good for anyone right now, and I knew I owed it to Jack to 'fess up and set him free. It didn't mean it came easy, though.

I called tonight as soon as I got home, and we chatted back and forth about our workdays for a bit. Anxiety and dread twisted me in knots, and I finally decided the waiting was worse than the actual act.

"Jack, you're a great guy."

"Oh no. This sounds like the part of the movie where she kicks the great guy to the curb. I always hate this part, and I usually fast forward through it to get to where she realizes she made a mistake and comes back to him. Can we just skip to that?"

I smiled, and marveled again at the stupidity of my heart for not choosing to love this very special man.

"I'm not being fair to you, Jack. You deserve better."

"Isn't that up to me to decide? I can't think of anyone better for me, Tyler. You're amazing, and I feel like the luckiest man on earth for having the chance encounter we had in Paris. Like the universe was shining down on me that day. You can't tell me you didn't feel a connection."

I leaned my head back and looked at the ceiling, cursing the universe for sending me the guy who thinks I hung the moon and having me be hung up on a different guy at the time. Funny. Very funny. In a not at all funny way.

"Jack, I did. I felt a connection then, and I feel a connection now. I enjoy talking to you, laughing with you. I truly do. If we'd met another time, another place, a different phase in my life, I could easily see us together. See a future with you by my side. But I can't give you what you want right now. My heart still belongs to another, and it's not fair of me to keep taking from you without anything to give in return."

"Look, we don't have to go to my parents. Forget I asked. I didn't mean to freak you out or anything. I've just never felt this way about anyone before. I've always been wrapped up in my own needs and my own agenda, and I feel like all of the sudden the only thing I need is you. Nothing else matters."

We sat in silence as he waited for me to respond and I cursed my inability to be what he needed. When I didn't speak, he continued.

"I know I met you at a bad time. I know you and Cabe have a history, and there was a lot of ambiguity when I came along. But has anything come of it? Have you heard any more from him? I mean, are you really willing to keep sitting there waiting just in case he decides he wants you? I
know
I want you, Tyler. I have no doubts. I can't think about anything else. I know you feel something for me, too. Don't run from it."

I wavered, second-guessing myself. I've had no word from Cabe. No response to my attempts to contact him. So if he came to my apartment that night to say he had feelings for me, where is he now?

What would it hurt to keep talking to Jack? To keep enjoying his company? Why give him up when I may never hear from Cabe again?

I knew the answer, though. I didn't like it, but I knew it. Whether Cabe ever comes back or not, it wasn't fair to Jack to use him for my own selfish purposes. He is too great a guy to be a consolation prize.

So I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth together, steeling my resolve to put Jack's well-being ahead of my own need for security and companionship.

"Jack, I don't feel the same way about you as you feel about me. I don't know if I ever will. I do care about you, but I need to figure out what's going on in my life. You gotta stop calling."

He stayed quiet for a bit, and then he played the part of the prince right up until the end.

"I'll honor your wishes, but it's not what I want. So if you change your mind, you know where to find me. Please know no matter what the outcome is, I just want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved. I'll always wish it was me."

I hung up and realized I felt more relief than sadness. Which says a lot, I suppose.

Now if only I could figure out how to untangle the rest of my twisted heartstrings and truly be free to move on.