Diary of a Mad Fat Girl (24 page)

“
I said for you to cease and desist
immediately,” Mrs. Bobbie Sue Stacks screams.

“
With all due respect ma’am, I don’t
know who you are and I don’t want to be rude, but if you would stop
shouting at my crew and me right about now, that would be
great.”

“
You gather up that crew and get out
of here,” Bobbie Sue yells, walking toward him. “And you,” she
stops when she sees me and starts waving that fat, crooked finger,
“You are the reason for this entire mess!”

“
Me?” I say and look at Chloe, who is
motioning the moving men back to work.

“
Hey, Bobbie Sue,” Chloe says and when
Bobbie Sue Stacks turns around, Chloe hauls off and slaps the
ever-loving shit out of her. Bobbie Sue staggers back and opens her
mouth to say something, but Chloe grabs her by the collar and pulls
her up close to her face. I get so excited that I almost pass out
right there on the sidewalk.
“Bobbie Sue, I’m leaving Richard and there is not one damn thing
you can do about it. Now if you want to play dirty, I can play
dirty too, but you might want to run over to the hospital and speak
with Richard before you start that fight, because last night when
he signed the divorce papers giving me everything but the
house-”

“
My Richard would
never
sign anything over to you,” Bobbie Sue
snarls.

“
Oh, but
your
Richard did,” Chloe says, “now get your ass
out of here before I take it upon myself to make your son’s dirty
laundry public knowledge and trust me you old hag, there is plenty
of it.”

For some reason Bobbie Sue looks at me, so I
give her the finger.

“
You will pay dearly for this-” she
hisses to Chloe.

“
I won’t pay for a fucking thing,”
Chloe says, “and if you threaten me one more time, I’ll make what I
did to Richard looks like child’s play compared to what I’m about
to do to you!” Chloe takes a step toward her and Bobbie Sue takes a
step back. “Now get the hell out of here or
you
will pay in ways
you
never thought possible.” She looks at me,
“Ace, do you still have those pictures of Rich from the strip
club?”

“
That and so much more,” I chirp,
delighted to be involved in the conversation.

“
Would you like to see those?” Chloe
asks, pushing Bobbie Sue backward. “Or would you like to
leave?”

“
I’ll leave,” Bobbie Sue Stacks
stammers, “but you’ll hear from my lawyers.”

“
Will I?” Chloe says, getting in her
face. “Will I?”

“
No,” she mumbles, “no you won’t.” And
Bobbie Sue Stacks scurries to her Lexus and drives away.

I look around and see faces in almost every
window of the surrounding houses. Peepers everywhere, but no one
dares to venture outside. I guess they don’t feel like tangling
with a three man team of crazy women.

“
Now,” Chloe says, turning to me,
“back to work.”

“
Yes, ma’am,” I say, tickled pink that
finally, after missing in action for over eleven years, the real
Chloe is back on the scene.

“
What are you going to do with all
this stuff?” Lilly asks, eyeballing the stacks of boxes in the
carport.
“Well, I’m keeping most of it for my new project.”

“
What’s that?” I ask.

“
I’m starting a shelter for battered
women,” she says, “with Richard’s 401K money.”

I can’t help but laugh. The irony never
ends.

“
You need some help?” Lilly asks.
“Seeing as how I’m unemployed.”

“
You’ll get your job back,” Chloe says
definitively and looks from me to Lilly and back. “We are all going
to be just fine.”

“
I hope so,” Lilly says and doesn’t
sound convinced.

“
Well, I’ve got grass to kill,” I say
and start spraying.

44

It’s almost dark when I get back home and I
haven’t heard from Mason since I dropped him off at Ethan’s. When I
open the gate, Buster Loo bursts out the doggie door so I get down
and roll around with him for a while. He pulls the pony tail holder
out of my hair and we waller around in the grass, then he runs and
get his rubber starfish and we play a game of speedy-dog fetch.

On the third throw, he disappears into a
cluster of shrubs and I’m about to go inside when I hear a truck
pulling up in my driveway. I can tell from the rumble that it’s
Ethan Allen Harwood.

I step around the house and see that Mason
is with him, so I shake off like dog in an effort to get rid of
some of the grass trimmings that are most certainly stuck all over
me.

“
Good Lord, Ace,” Ethan says, getting
out of his truck, “you been doin’ yard work on all
fours?”

They laugh and I smile because, what else
could I do?

“
Come here,” Mason says, motioning,
“check this out.”

I look in the back of Ethan’s truck and see
the biggest grill I have ever laid eyes on.

“
What is that?” I ask.

“
This, my dear lady,” Ethan says, “is
your new grill.”

“
Is it my birthday or were you two
planning on roasting a buffalo?”

“
We’re going to have a cook-out,”
Mason says, smiling, “to celebrate!”

“
It’s Tuesday.”

“
Who cares, it’s not like any of y’all
have jobs,” Mason laughs.

“
Ha ha, Mason,” I say dryly, “your
comedic genius is overwhelming.”

Ethan drops his tailgate and they both hop
in the back of the truck and grab that gargantuan grill by its
stainless steel handles.

“
Are we going to invite anyone or will
it just be the three of us and the dog?”

“
Already got that taken care of, baby.
Everybody will be here in about an hour,” Mason says and winks at
me and I think I might faint. “Ethan, we’re gonna need a fork lift
to get this thing outta this truck.”

“
Naw, we don’t,” he says, walking
around to the driver’s side, “just hold it steady there for a
minute.”

“
Are you for real?” I ask
Mason.

He pulls me up close to him and gives me a
short, but very hot kiss. “I told you what my plan was the first
day I got here,” he whispers and squeezes my ass. “So you better
believe I’m for real.”

“
Hold it steady,” Ethan yells and the
tailgate of his truck slides out and then slowly down toward the
ground.

“
Holy shit!” Mason hollers and puts
both hands on the grill. “Look at this!”

Ethan walks back to where we are, glowing
with that special look of pride that comes from a man receiving a
compliment on his truck. He and Mason set the grill onto my
driveway and Mason rolls through the gate and into the
backyard.

“
Now this right here is what I call I
grill,” Ethan says as he and Mason take turns twisting knobs and
admiring features.

“
What’s wrong the one I have?” I ask,
looking over at my knee high charcoal grill. Ethan shakes his head
while Mason rolls his eyes.

“
Well, I gotta run,” Ethan says. “Can
I leave him here with you without you trying to smother him with
perfume?”

I gawk at Mason, then at Ethan.

“
Is nothing sacred anymore?” I
ask.

Ethan laughs and takes off toward his
truck.

“
Mason,” I ask, looking at the grill,
“what the hell?”

“
You needed a grill.”

“
Says who?”

“
Says me,” he takes me by the hand.
“C’mon, baby, take me to the grocery store.”

“
Just take my car,” I say, tossing him
the keys. “I’ve gotta get a shower because I’ve been spraying weed
killer all day.”

“
Weed killer?”

“
Yes, I covered the lawn at Stacks’
residence while movers emptied the house.”

“
Yeah, I heard about that,” he says
and smiles while Buster Loo jumps and bounces and whines at his
feet.

“
I’m sure you did,” I smile at him.
“Hey, take Buster Loo with you before he has some kind of brain
stroke and has to be put in a psychiatric hospital for
dogs.”

“
I’d love to!” Mason says and Buster
Loo, as if understanding the exchange, races over to the gate and
starts clawing at it like he’s trying to land a part in Shawshank
Redemption for Chiweenies. Mason gives me a quick hug and whispers,
“Good to have the family back together again.”

“
Nutty as they might be,” I say, not
willing to admit I was thinking the same thing.

“
She can speak for herself can’t she?”
Mason says and Buster Loo starts barking his fool head off. “See,”
Mason says, picking up the little dog, “he agrees with
me.”

45

Two hours after the arrival of my new grill,
cars line the street and my back yard is packed with folks drinking
beer and eating hot dogs. Deputy Dax shows up with Lilly and he’s
acting all funny and weird like he feels out of place. I make a
point to make him feel at home and instruct Mason and Ethan to do
the same and he loosens up a little. He gets back to his usual self
when Sheriff Jackson shows up and starts carrying on about some
bizarre incident they witnessed at a road block.

I look around and see Chloe making her way
toward J.J. Jackson. I smile to myself when I realize how happy she
must be to finally be rid of ol’ pork chop Dick Richard. Lilly
comes up and gives me a big hug and tells me how great the party
is.

“
Don’t I always have great parties?” I
ask her.

“
That you do, my friend,” she
says.

“
Hey,” I say, nodding toward Deputy
Dax, “How’d you pull that off?”

“
Well, it’s not so much the
how
as the
what
,” she smiles, “and, you know, I used to be
an underwear model and all and that ol’ girl, well, let’s just say
she’s not on my level,” she pauses, looks over at Deputy Dax and
sighs. “I just went over there and ran her off. And after she left,
I did what I had to do to convince him that
I
am what he needs.”

“
Really? Well, good job on that,
sister,” I say and she’s smiling from ear to ear like a goon.
“Lilly, please tell me that he doesn’t have a list.”

“
He didn’t till he dumped me,” she
laughs, “but don’t worry, I threw it away. And I’m not going to
show him the notebook.”

“
You have got to stop that crap,” I
tell her. “That damned book of yours needs to be
burned.”

“
What needs to be burned?” Dax asks,
sneaking up behind us. He wraps a beefy arm around Lilly’s thin
waist and she smiles and bats her eyelashes like a school
girl.

“
Those wieners don’t need to burn,” I
say quickly and run over to where Mason is standing by the
grill.

“
By the way,” I ask as he flips the
dogs, “what are we celebrating?”

“
Success, baby,” he says. “Because I
accomplished everything I came up here to do.” He closes the grill
cover and looks at me. “Chloe’s divorce will be final in a few
weeks, Lilly just signed a three year contract with Bugtussle
School District-”

“
Three year contract?” I interrupt.
“Since when does a high school teacher get a three year
contract?”

“
Since Mason McKenzie came to town,
babe.”

“
Oh, you are too much.”

“
Am I?” he says, giving me a quick
smooch. “Am I?”

I squeal with laughter and he takes my hand
and pulls me into the house.

“
Hey, baby,” he says, smiling, “I’ve
been meaning to ask you something.”

“
Yeah,” I say.

“
Been meaning to ask you for a while
now.”

“
What’s that?”

“
Do you really wanna know?”

“
I really wanna know,
Mason.”

“
How bad?”

“
Really bad.”

“
Really, really bad?”

“
Really, really, really and truly
bad,” I say.

“
Okay then,” he says and pulls a
small, felt box out of his pocket. I get a little dizzy and start
thinking that this is it. This is the day that I will finally pass
out and die for real. He gets down on one knee, and I feel the
sting of oncoming tears.

“
Ace Jones, will you marry
me?”

“
Why, yes, Mason McKenzie,” I say and
tell myself to keep breathing. “I do believe I will!”

He slides the ring on my finger, kisses my
hand, and smiles.

“
Finally!” he says.

“
Finally!” I say.

The End

SPECIAL THANKS:

To Brandon, for constantly reassuring
me that I wasn’t out of my mind for trying to do this and for
patiently allowing me all the time I needed to get it done. To
Mandi, original list maker and co-conspirator in the root beer
shenanigan, for entertaining the character of Gloria Peacock for so
many years. To Molly, for still being friends with us after the
root beer shenanigan. To Sandy, for
willingly accompanying me on many a wild adventure and
consistently blaming me for any and every consequence thereafter.
To Tina, my impromptu editor, for stepping in at a moment’s notice
and doing an unbelievable job on such an arduous task. Thank you
all
so
much for the support and inspiration.