Diary of a Mad Fat Girl (17 page)

“
You leave him alone this instant!” a
small, shaky voice cries from outside the circle of the Motorcycle
Mob. “You do not lay another hand on him or I will sue you for all
you’re worth, which probably isn’t much.”

“
And who are you, little lady?” Biker
Man asks when he sees Lester Finks, Richard Stacks’ long time
friend and lawyer, glaring up at him with beady, red-rimmed
eyes.

“
I’m his lawyer, you filthy sack of
shit,” Finks spouts, puffing out his chest, “and you’re going to
jail.”

“
What is this?” Biker Man asks, “a
citizen’s arrest?” and the Mob roars with laughter once again. The
biker closest to Lester picks him up, raises him over his head, and
passes him off to his buddy. I watch in silent awe as the Biker Men
toss Lester Finks around like a rag doll while the reluctant crowd
surfer screams like a little girl.

“
Lawyer man,” Biker Man asks, “you got
a wife?”

“
I- I‘m not married,” Finks yells as
he’s rolled over in the air again.

“
Oh, yes he is married,” Lilly offers.
“He’s got a sweet little wife and three little kids at
home.”

“
And a dog,” I say and, realizing my
opportunity, add, “and that piece of shit over there,” I point to
where Richard Stacks is huddled behind my rear bumper, “beat his
wife so bad she had a miscarriage.”

The Motorcycle Mob gets quiet and, for a
second, the only sound in the air is the music thumbing its way out
of the club. The biker holding Lester drops him and turns his
attention to Richard Stacks, who is attempting to crawl underneath
my car.

“
You beat a pregnant woman?” Biker Man
reaches down, grabs him by the foot, and pulls him out from under
the car.

“
She don’t know what the hell she’s
talking about,” Lester Finks crows, then flinches and takes a few
steps back as the Biker Men turn their attention to him. “He didn’t
know she was pregnant.”

“
Well,” Biker Man growls, “that just
makes it all better doesn’t it, little lady?” He glares at Lester
Finks. “Do you want me to tell you how I feel about
that?”

“
Uh, no sir,” Lester Finks mumbles,
apparently having lost all of his balls during his crowd surfing.
“I think I know. As a matter of fact, I’m sure I know.”

I hear sirens and Biker Man looks at Richard
Stacks then back at Lester Finks and they cower together like
scared puppies.

“
Saved by the sirens,” he growls, “but
we’ll keep an eye out for you two little titty-babies and see that
you both get what’s coming to you.” Biker Man looks at me, “Hey,
doll, what’s your name?”

“
Ace,” I say, shaking with fear,
excitement, and admiration. “Ace Jones.”

“
Ace,” he smiles, “I like that.” He
reaches into the pocket of his leather vest and pulls out, of all
things, a business card. “Give me a call sometime,
sweetheart.”

“
Okay,” I say, taking the card and
smiling from ear to ear. Turns out he owns a construction
company.

“
Let’s go guys,” he says and our
saviors hustle into the strip club.

Lilly stares after them with an agitated
look on her face, no doubt wondering why no one gave her a business
card.

“
C’mon, let’s get out of here,
Lilly.”

I get in the car and hear Buster Loo
growling like bear in the back seat. I look in my rear view mirror
and see Finks and Stacks engaged in what appears to be a heated
argument. I’m fantasizing about mowing them down when Richard
Stacks steps around, jerks the passenger door open, and starts
pulling at the camera again.

“
I’ve had enough!” I scream. “I have
had enough of this shit!”

I take the Pink Lady out of the console and
get out of the car. When Lester sees the gun in my hand, he takes
off running in a dead sprint toward the street. I know the police
will be here any minute, but I stay the course. I walk up to
Richard and press the barrel of the Pink Lady against his
skull.

“
I will blow your fucking brains out
right here if you don’t get your fucking hands off of her.” He
continues to wrestle with Lilly so I pull back the hammer and
finger the trigger. I glance down and see that Buster Loo has
joined the fray by snarling and snapping at Richard’s arm. When he
slaps Buster Loo into the back seat, I spin the gun around and
smash the butt of it against his temple three times. Pop. Pop. Pop.
I slam Lilly’s door shut and turn around to see an officer
approaching me with his weapon drawn and I imagine a red dot
floating between my eyes.

“
Hold it right there, ma’am,” the
officer yells. “Drop your weapon.”

I drop the Pink Lady in the parking lot of
Ladies4Gentlemen.

33

“
Jones and Lane,” the jailer booms and
his deep voice bounces back and forth between the cinder block
walls creating an ominous echo.

“
Right here, sir,” Lilly calls, waving
through the cell bars.

I look up and see Mason McKenzie and Ethan
Allen Harwood staring at us, eyes as wide as saucers. Mason looks
like he’s about to crack up and Ethan just looks shocked. Really
shocked.

“
What the hell?” Ethan says as he
takes in the wigs, the dresses, the stilettos.

“
Been tryin’ to hustle up a little
extra cash?” Mason asks and starts giggling.

“
Oh thank
God
y’all are here,” Lilly gushes and rushes out
of the cell as soon as the jailer opens the door. “I was starting
to feel like Paris Hilton and I think they were about to make us
strip and put on some of those nasty orange scrubs!”

Mason and Ethan look me up and down as I
exit the cell.

“
Just don’t,” I mumble. “Don’t say a
word and please tell me I can get my gun and the camera back
tonight.”

“
The gun and the camera,” Mason says
with exaggerated bravado. “Yes, those items are waiting to be
picked up, Miss Double-Oh-Seven.”

“
We have to get back to the car. I’m
sure Buster Loo’s little doggie nerves are completely shot by
now.”

“
It’s only been a couple of hours,
Ace,” Lilly says, clearly trying to make me feel better, “and he’s
got his furry little bed back there in the back floorboard so don’t
worry, he’s fine.”

Lilly and I pick up our personal effects
from a guard who looks like he’d offer us fifty dollars if he had
it and the four of us walk out the front door of the Shelby County
Jail.

“
Y’all wanna stop at a truck stop and
take a shower?” Mason asks after we climb into his Escalade. “Maybe
turn a few tricks, make a few bucks.”

“
Lot lizards,” Ethan drawls and shakes
his head. “That’s exactly what y’all look like. Y’all look like two
lot lizards.”

“
Very high end lot lizards,” Mason
adds.

“
Take us to a hotel,” Lilly orders.
“Did y’all come prepared to spend the night?”

“
We came prepared to spend this night
and the next one too ‘cause we are men,” Ethan says with much pomp
and circumstance, “and men are always prepared to spend the night,”
he turns around and eyeballs Lilly and me, “’specially after we
pick us up a few hookers at the jail house.”

“
Which club did y’all say you were
stripping- I mean stalking tonight?” Mason asks.

“
Ladies4Gentlemen,” Lilly says and
laughs at Mason’s stupid joke. “Just off Airways on
Winchester.”

“
What in holy hell were y’all doing
off in that part of town lookin’ like y’all do?” Ethan
demands.

“
Stalking Richard Stacks,” I
say.

“
Well, was it worth it?” Mason
asks.

“
I guess we won’t know until we see
how Chloe reacts to this,” I say and hand the camera to
Ethan.

“
Good word,” Ethan says, “that ain’t
no way for a married man to act right there.”

“
No,” I say, “and that’s the least of
his transgressions.”

Ladies4Gentleman is still rocking at 2 a.m.
and Buster Loo is indeed curled up and napping in his little fluffy
bed. Both guys hop out of the Escalade and Ethan walks around to
the driver’s side.

“
What are y’all doing?” I
ask.

“
I’m driving you,” Mason says,
matter-of-factly, “and Lilly is riding with Ethan and we are going
to the Peabody.”

“
What, Mason, are you serious?” Lilly
asks excitedly, turns on her stiletto heel, and hops in the front
seat of the Escalade.

“
Yes, you girls have been through a
lot and I know you’re tired and I think you’re both very brave for
what you did tonight, even if it was a
tad
bit stupid, so I got a room at the Peabody.
Reserved it on the way up here.”

“
How did you know we were planning to
spend the night?”

“
Common sense, Ace,” he replies
simply. “That’s it. Just good ol’ fashioned common
sense.”

I get in the passenger side of my car and
immediately start sulking because I feel like a teenager who just
got chastised by her parents in front of her friends. I silently
pray for the ability to start keeping my smart mouth shut.

“
Ace,” he says, after ten minutes of
riding in silence, “can we just be friends? Can you just give me
that, at least?”

“
Of course,” I say, looking out the
window.

“
Thank you,” he says, “and can I tell
you that you look smokin’ hot in that outfit?”

“
Can I tell you that it’s a man’s
dress?”

“
Well,” he looks at me, wide-eyed and
mischievous, then in his Forrest Gump voice says, “well, I just
don’t know what to say about tha-at.”

While Mason checks into the Peabody Hotel, I
walk around admiring the grandiose lobby and wondering if the ducks
ever parade around at 3 a.m. Just as a security officer starts to
give me the evil eye, Mason appears, takes my arm, and leads me to
the elevator.

“
She’s with me, sir,” he says with a
wink, “half price after midnight.” This gets a nod and a chuckle
from the guard who turns and goes on his way.

“
You understand that I have to have a
shower?” I say as soon as we walk in the room.

“
Oh, please,” he says with a smile,
“please, do you nasty girl.”

Two seconds after I get out of the shower,
there is a knock on the door and Mason peeps through the hole and,
in a very loud voice, says he didn’t order any prostitutes and if
he did he would’ve asked for two women, not a hot chick and tall,
ugly dude.

When Lilly and Ethan are finally permitted
to enter the room, I’m pleased to see that they have picked up beer
and pizza. We tear into that business like four pigs feasting on
fresh slop.

“
We’ve still got time to cut a little
rug at the Rum Boogie before the sun comes up,” Lilly says and I
moan in protest. Ethan walks out of the bathroom looking rather odd
but very comfortable in basketball shorts and a tee shirt. He
stretches out on the bed and asks Lilly if she’s crazy and she
resigns herself to the shower in defeat.

I finish off another piece of pizza and give
Buster Loo the crust then grab another beer and crawl into bed with
Mason. The male reasoning in the bed assignments was that we would
sleep with people we’ve slept with before no matter how long it had
been. And Mason paid for the room, so how could I argue?

“
Do not touch me,” I say and wiggle in
between the covers.

“
C’mon baby, put that blonde wig and
that man dress back on and let me spoon you,” he says and Ethan
starts laughing.

Lilly comes out of the bathroom and snuggles
up in the bed beside Ethan, who smiles and pulls the covers over
them both.

“
Hey you two, don’t be getting frisky
over there,” Mason says.

“
Don’t worry,” Ethan replies, turning
off the lamp. “I don’t like girls that wear man
dresses.”

34

I wake up the next morning and Buster Loo is
snoring on my shoulder and Mason McKenzie is spread over me like a
human blanket. I slide out of bed, look across the room, and see
that Lilly and Ethan are gone.

I get up and start the coffee maker, then
decide to take another shower because I still feel dirty from
wearing that drag queen dress and going into that filthy club. When
I emerge from the bathroom, Mason is leaning back on the pillows,
watching ESPN.

He looks at me and smiles, then pats the bed
and raises his eyebrows a few times.

“
Thank you,” I say, ignoring the
invitation. “Thank you for everything.”

“
Thank you for not being so mean,” he
says.

“
You want some coffee?” I
ask.

“
Love some,” he says. I pour him a cup
and join him on the bed. He drapes his arm around me and we sit
there drinking coffee and watching Sports Center and I hope he
can’t feel the vibrations of my heart which feels like it’s trying
to beat its way out of my chest.

He leans over, puts his empty cup on the
night stand, then turns and looks me right in the eye. I sit there,
petrified, hoping. He takes my head in his hand and pulls my face
next to his and I’m sure that I am going to faint. Instead of
kissing me, he buries his face in my wet hair and I swallow a sigh
of disappointment.