Diamonds & Desire: The Priceless Collection (26 page)

Her heart seized in her chest, then pounded erratically as she searched his gaze, wondering if he was finally going to say what she longed to hear.

His expression serious as he searched her gaze, he said, “I—”

“Savant.” Neil slapped a hand on Logan’s shoulder. “Do me a favor and give us a ride home? I’ve had a few and I hate calling a cab this far out of town.”

“Sure. We’re heading out now.”

“Thanks. We’ll meet you out front.”

Jordana could kick Neil for his terrible timing, but hoped the little interruption wouldn’t stop Logan from finishing what he was going to say.

The ride to Neil’s houseboat took forever, but once he and his date were out of the limo, Jordana practically held her breath waiting. She looked at him and smiled. “So, what were you going to tell me?”

He squeezed her hand, then moved to sit in the opposite seat and rested his elbows on his knees, looking down.

Her hopes started to sink. It wasn’t going to be what she thought. “Logan?”

“Your book. You should be so proud of yourself because the only reason you got a contract is because you’re talented, you went for it, and you earned it. There are so many others who never go for their dreams. The fact you did made me admire you so much more, Jordana.” He met her gaze. “When you told me you were offered a three book deal with Triton, I wasn’t surprised at all. One, because you becoming a published author was obviously a matter of time. And two.” He paused, and shifted his gaze away. “Because I made a phone call.”

She’d hoped for a confession quite different from the one he just made, was confused why he was bringing up her book contract, and it took her a moment to digest his words. Resting her hands on the edge of the seat, she asked, “What do you mean you made a phone call?”

He tugged at his tie, loosening it. “An imprint of Triton Press is based here in San Francisco, called Triton View. They focus on design, art, pop culture, and children’s books. Did you know that?”

She shook her head. “I only knew about their main headquarters in New York. That’s where I was directed to submit the manuscript.”

“And in New York was where your book sat in a pile, still waiting to be read. Triton View is located in the financial district, just a few blocks from my building. I’ve known a few editors come and go just through networking—”

“Are you telling me you knew one of the editors and called them about my manuscript?”

“All I did was request that your story be pushed ahead of the line. When you broke things off, I went out of my mind missing you. I wanted to do something for you that would make you happy. I’d hoped if and when they offered you a contract, you would reach out to me again. Honestly I’d planned to tell you right away. And then that mess with the photos and my mother happened and I didn’t care either way if what I’d done helped you.” He sighed. “When you told me the news—you were so ecstatic—I just couldn’t tell you what I did.”

The oxygen left her lungs. “I don’t believe this.” It crushed her more than he knew. For the first time in a long time, she’d thought she accomplished something wonderful on her own. Now, it didn’t feel as special. Unable to take his guilty gaze, she stared at the floor.

“Jordana, you got the contract because you deserved it. If your work had been garbage, no amount of favors would’ve sold it.”

She was quiet for a minute, torn. “What kind of favor did you offer?”

“I simply promised to introduce her to someone. Not a big deal at all. It was nothing.”

“Nothing? The fact you didn’t mention this until now is something to me.”

“Jordana.”

She looked at him, at a loss. “It doesn’t feel the same knowing you made this happen.”

He shook his head. “Only in part.”

“But I didn’t ask you for your help. When I told you I’d gotten a contract with Triton, you pretended to be surprised. There I was, so gullible and thrilled to have achieved something I’d dreamed of for years, but I didn’t earn it. You did. You could’ve told me, Logan.”

“What does it matter? What good are my connections if I can’t use them?”

“You still don’t understand. I don’t want your connections or influence. You’ve given me so much and introduced me to a world I never thought I would be a part of.” She dropped her gaze. “And now you’re telling me you played a part in getting me published. Our relationship isn’t equal and I don’t like that.”

His dark brows furrowed. “Are we in some kind of competition? I’m doing what I thought a man in a relationship is supposed to do. Giving you things, taking you places. It’s all I know.” He reached for her hand, tracing his thumb across her knuckles. “I finally have someone I want to do all of these things with and for.” She resisted, but he wouldn’t let go. “Are you really that upset?”

Her heart pounded, and all the emotions and questions she’d been struggling with the past month came to the surface. “It isn’t Triton alone. It’s everything. That you suggested I borrow a car you own. That I should get a place closer to you and you’ll help me with the rent. I don’t need my boyfriend controlling my life, no matter how much richer he is than me.”

His brows drew together, slightly shaking his head. “Controlling your life is the last thing I’d ever want, but why can’t I offer these things for you? Is it that awful?”

“It’s that unequal.”

He flinched, tone hardening. “I hope you aren’t referring to money. This is our relationship we’re talking about, not some business transaction. Do you really think I care about the measure of our bank accounts?”

She looked away, one feeling compounding over another. Insecurities taking hold. “I’m not talking about financially.” Stomach tied in knots, she forced her hand from his. “I’m scared, Logan. I’m scared I’ll lose myself in you. That if we keep going, everything I have will be because of you and the one thing I want the most, I won’t get.” The words were coming out her mouth before she could give them much thought. “I try to get close to you, to really know who you are. I can feel the weight of this enormous pressure you carry around with you. The price you pay to be Logan Savant, the CEO. But everyone knows him. When you shut me out, I don’t know what to say or do, and it makes me feel as if you’ll give me everything except what I want most.”

A period of silence grew between them, clouding the small space with tension. “All right,” he said, a stricken expression darkening his blue eyes. “What do you want?”

Swallowing the heat closing her throat, and her voice came out scratched. “I want you to open up to me, tell me how you feel about us, how you feel about anything. Even after what we’ve been through, I still feel a disconnect between us. Like I did before.”

“Jordana, you want me to cry on your shoulder and spill my guts about my problems? I don’t do that. With anyone.”

Frustration bubbled inside her. “Why not? If you can’t share yourself completely with me, then maybe we are too different, because that’s what I want.”

He sighed, sitting back. “I see. I’ve never been with such a complicated woman.”

That stung. “What’s so complicated about me wanting to be close to you?” Frustrated, she added, “Maybe you should be with someone who won’t ask for more than your body and your wallet—”

“I don’t want the kind of woman you’re describing. I’ve met countless of them. I want you. I’ll give you everything, Jordana. Except what I think you’re asking for.”

Love. I’m asking for love. Tears began to burn behind her eyes but she refused to get too emotional about this in front of him.

“I think you spent so much time taking care of Zack, you don’t know what to do when a man can take care of himself and you at the same time. Is that what you want? A man to depend on you?”

“I’m not talking about a dependent relationship. Haven’t you ever needed someone to be there for you? There’s a difference.” The last word came out broken.

“I don’t need anyone,” he declared with curtness. “I can’t be like that. It’s not who I am. I will do almost anything for you, but there are limits with me. Don’t ask for something I’m not capable of.”

She finally jerked her gaze to his. “I think you are capable of it. You just refuse to let me in.”

A long stretch of silence passed between them as he dragged his gaze to the window. “Maybe I can’t feel for you the way you want me to.”

A proverbial slap in the face. Throat closing, too afraid to speak, she pressed her lips together, lest she start crying. Maybe he couldn’t love her. Perhaps he wasn’t capable of it after all. This hurt more than anything.

“Let me take you home,” he said, and directed Tom to head toward her place, instead of his.

Neither spoke for the rest of the drive.

Logan walked her to up to her apartment, ever the gentleman, but didn’t say anything, didn’t kiss her or hug her. After she unlocked her door, she looked at him over her shoulder.

Their eyes held for a moment, before he headed down the steps.

Chapter Twenty-Six

Thunder rumbled and promised more rain. It’d come down all weekend without end, continuing into Sunday afternoon. The dark clouds wouldn’t break for the sun for even a minute. In a shadow of a mood, Logan crossed his living room after a vigorous run in the rain. With so many windows, and no sunshine coming in, his home sat pallor and lifeless as the weather. He swiped a towel over his face and neck then grabbed bottled water from the fridge, his thoughts no clearer than before he went running.

She’d accused of him not sharing himself with her, but he’d never been more open with anyone in his life.

She claimed he pushed her away. He’d never held any woman closer.

Their relationship was unequal? Never in his life did he feel more balance than when he was with Jordana.

Not telling her about what he’d done with Triton Press sooner? A regret. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he’d known it wasn’t smart to keep it from her, but surely she had to know her creativity ultimately did the hard work.

He took a shower, a long one, letting the water pour over his tense back. After dressing, he switched on the TV, even though he had no intention of watching anything. An ad came on about a bestselling author’s novel being made into a movie next month and his heart squeezed.

Jordana would be published next year. Ever since she told him the news, he’d been toying with several ideas of how they’d celebrate. A party at the Ritz with her friends and family, if she wanted. Or perhaps a trip to New York City. A two week cruise. He’d gauged what she would’ve liked the most, and decided spring in Paris would be perfect. Couldn’t wait to take her there.

Even though he’d been to France many times, he imagined it would be ten times better with Jordana at his side. The way she saw places and things, especially for the first time, was like viewing the world with new eyes, even if he’d seen it a thousand times already. Part of the reason why he hadn’t tired of taking her absolutely everywhere, and following her wherever she went. From the farmers market to the library to a duck pond, she exuded wonder and enchantment in everything. She lived for pure pleasure, and even when he was reluctant, she’d cajole him to do the same.

The way things were going now, it didn’t look like he’d be planning anything with her, let alone a celebration next spring.

He’d never planned something so far in the future with a girlfriend but he’d made the reservations without thinking twice. Why?

Because Jordana wasn’t just some girlfriend. She was much more. He thought she knew that. Hadn’t he been showing her in every way possible?

It wasn’t enough. She wanted to hear him say those three words. Three little syllables that so many people said at whim, on a daily basis, without meaning it. A simple declarative sentence that was hollow if the actions weren’t there to back them up. What was better? To say I love you or to show it?

If he showed her how much he cared, then why was he losing her?

The offer to help her pay her rent had been given on impulse. Desire was humming through his veins at the time, and the need to find a quick solution to her moving woes had come to the forefront along with his own selfish motive to bring her near him. The rents were exorbitant in his neighborhood, and even though he got the impression she was wise with her finances, she didn’t make enough to live within his sphere.

He, on the other hand, had millions to spare. It was a rational offer. It wasn’t as if he offered to pay for her rent entirely, just the difference. Essentially, he would be like a roommate, responsible for his half. After all, he’d be able to spend more time with her there since the commute would be cut considerably. She’d save money on gas, time on the road, and lessen the headaches of being in traffic. And she wouldn’t have to take on a real roommate to cover the expense. What was the problem here?

Not once had he ever considered doing this for a woman. No doubt the ones in his past would’ve jumped at the chance to have a place half paid for. But not Jordana. She didn’t want to borrow one his cars either, even though they sat in the garage most of the week. Again, he wasn’t giving them to her, just wanted to let her borrow one for an indefinite amount of time. The Jag, the Mercedes, and especially the Tesla were better than the decade old sedan she drove. Jordana deserved the best.

Her words rang in his head.

I don’t want to lose myself in you.

It wasn’t as if he’d tell her what to do, how to dress, where to go. Did she think he would assume he “owned” her like a kept woman if she said yes to these things?

He sighed.

No doubt that’s exactly what she thought.

Jordana had been independent and self-reliant since her parents died. She was used to taking care of others. Now someone wanted to take care of her and she refused it. Not unless he professed his love perhaps.

In his household, the l-word was rarely, if ever, used. He never heard his parents say it to one another, and had been told love was something for the sentimental and needy. The word held so much influence. It transferred, stole, and created power from one person to the next, and Logan knew by saying it, he’d be exposing a new vein.

Even though she was unlike any woman he’d ever known, it was scary to surrender to these deep feelings. She was perfect for him, but a strong man couldn’t submit to perfection.

Even his mother gave her blessing, something he didn’t expect. When Jordana told him how she’d confronted her, he’d been shocked to say the least, and impressed she stood up to his overbearing mother when most women wilted in her presence. Jordana even dared his mother to get to know her, and didn’t begrudge her because of her actions.

Jordana was truly one in a million.

“Do your best to keep this one, Logan,” his mother had instructed over the phone. “She’s got style and guts. I like her.”

Though her opinion hardly mattered, her shift in attitude toward Jordana made things a whole lot easier. Too bad he kept making things harder.

Neil texted him, asking if he wanted to meet for drinks, and Logan considered it, tired of his own miserable company.

Just as he grabbed his keys, a message on his phone indicated he had an email. He stopped to check it, in case it was work related.

The sender? VegasClick Photography. Curious, he opened the email:

Happy Holidays!

We apologize for the delay in sending your photo for the Stone & McAvoy gala. Technical difficulties. Hope to see you again!

The VegasClick Team

What photo? He opened the attachment and his heart tripped at the sight.

Whatever sign he needed to know Jordana was the one for him, to erase his fear, he got it.

***

Jordana waved goodbye to Casey and started the walk up to her building.

The search for a new place was triple exhausting. She’d found a couple apartments that were okay, but nothing she wanted to commit to. It was Christmastime and the very last thing she wanted to do was spend it home hunting.

Regret had kept her awake every night. She’d pushed Logan away and practically accused him of being too kind and generous, which now seemed so silly in hindsight. Of course she wouldn’t accept his offer, but she’d be sure to show her appreciation he even suggested it. Over the last couple days, she’d come to realize their relationship wasn’t as unequal as she’d perceived it to be.

It’d been fear Logan had all the power because of his money and the fact he had more influence in his world than she ever would. Those things translated to dinners at five-star restaurants, diamonds on her wrist, and meeting the movers and shakers of the Bay, but they didn’t bear much weight on their relationship.

Logan never flaunted what he could provide versus what she could, only asking for her company in his cold world of the upper class. Yet, she thought it was too much to ask because she wanted something in return.

It’d been premature and selfish to demand such a thing from a man who didn’t know love like she did. Who’d never witnessed it in his parents or in a woman who didn’t have a second agenda for his wealth and status. Even though she didn’t demand material possessions, she still behaved like a pouty, ungrateful child and she wished she could go back and react differently.

As she got to the top of the stairs, she noticed a package sitting in front of her door. It was small and rectangular shaped with no return address. She walked in her apartment, and after shedding her coat and hat, she opened it, revealing a shiny black box. Carefully moving away the delicate tissue paper, her lips slowly parted with a soft intake of breath.

It was a framed picture of her and Logan, taken in Vegas at the party. While she looked up at him with a mischievous light in her eyes, he looked down at her, grinning, his arm locked around her waist. The photographer had taken this without them knowing; she remembered the moment well.

She took the frame out, and a card fell to her feet.

Picking it up, she read:

The night I fell in love with you.

Her knees buckled and she sank on the sofa, hands trembling.

Just then, her phone rang. Logan. She sucked in a shaky breath and answered. “How did you ever find this?”

“I’ll tell you later. I’ll tell you everything you need to hear.”

She closed her eyes, and a tear escaped. At least it was a happy one this time. “Where are you right now?”

“Driving up and down your street like a crazy person.”

Her heart leapt. She went to the window. “How long have you been down there? I just got home.”

“I dropped off the box, left the car running, and I’ve been circling the neighborhood for half an hour trying to find a place to park. I was going to wait here all night until I heard from you.”

She laughed softly. “What if I hadn’t called?”

“I was going to beg next. Then I thought I’d seduce you. Make love to you. Show you how I feel. I still want to do all of those things.”

Gazing out the window, she smiled. “Come to me.”

“As soon as I can. If only I could park the car on the roof.”

She laughed and hung up. When she heard the knock on the door, her heart was pounding so hard she thought she’d never catch her breath. And still couldn’t when he stood there in front of her, handsome, with hunger in his eyes.

She sighed. “That took way too long.”

He swung an arm around her back and kissed her, and she slammed the door behind him. His kiss was so insistent, so intense, she had to hold onto him as he turned her once, twice, in her living room.

***

Her cheeks were cold, but her lips were warm, supple, and salvation. Her whimper urged Logan to deepen the kiss, outrun his hunger. She tasted like heaven, like home. A place he never wanted to run from again. God, did he love her. So much so, it stunned him. But not with panic this time, with hope. The hope his future wouldn’t be so bleak, so predictable, so lonely, as long as he kept loving Jordana. He drew back and gazed in her hazel eyes. This was his chance to make it right. Make her his.

“I want you to know—”

“Me first. Please, me first,” she interrupted, voice shaken. “I was wrong. I was pushing for more when I had no right. I’m sorry, Logan.”

He shook his head in disbelief. She was going to let him off the hook, but she shouldn’t. Not when she deserved a man who would love her thoroughly, daily, and without hesitation. A man who would say it out loud. “You pushed for more than I what was giving, and I needed you to, because it was the only thing you ever asked of me. You were right. All I was giving you were superficial things. The one time you finally asked me for something real, and there I was, refusing to give in. It’s all I know how to be. To hold back, to have the upper hand. That’s what I know about relationships.” He sighed, gripping her upper arms. “Which amounts to zero. It’s not a good excuse, but it’s true, and I’m sorry.”

She cupped the side of his face. “We’re both learning. It’s a process, but something we should go through together.”

His throat closed up. She was everything to him, and he’d almost lost her. It was hard to imagine why it was so difficult not to tell her how he felt before, as the words begged to be spoken now. “I love you, Jordana,” he told her, voice rasp with emotion. Her little gasp proved she wasn’t expecting him to say the words, even though she must’ve known—surely she must’ve known—he would say them now. “I’ve been wasting time not telling you and I’ve known for a while. I fought against these feelings like nothing I’ve ever fought before. Sounds stupid, but a little part of me loved you from the very first night we met. Something inside me knew I needed you in my life, and like the greatest fool alive, I tried to control it. And when I saw that picture tonight, it hit me. I loved you before I even made love to you. It’s written all over my face.”

***

As he gazed down at her, his blue eyes tender and sincere, she knew he wasn’t saying those three words simply for her benefit. He meant them.

Jordana’s eyes welled with tears as she threw her arms around him, hugging him tight. He wound his strength around her body, and love wrapped around her heart. “I love you, too,” she whispered.

“Thank God for that.”

What joy to hear it and to say it. “I’m sorry I got so upset about Triton. I wanted to earn a contract and I did, all you did was give it a little luck, which doesn’t happen to authors every day. Please don’t think I’m not a thousand percent thankful for what you did. It’s just…” she shrugged, and pulled back, chin beginning to quiver. “I’m not used to dreams coming true.”

“Well guess what, I’m only getting started.” He kissed her quick, and her emotions calmed, replaced with warm desire. “I want to become an expert in making you happy. I could become damn good at it.”

She laughed, shaking her head. “You’ve already outdone yourself.”

“Not even close. One thing you should know about me is that I’m never satisfied.”

“Oh?” Snaking her palms inside his coat, she started to move it off his shoulders. “Never?”

As he trailed his lips up across her jaw to her chin, his arms tightening, she inhaled sharp. With their noses touching, he replied, “Never. I’ll always want more of you.”