Dial L for Loser (7 page)

“
No pictures!
” Kay, the production assistant, appeared out of nowhere.

“How could you do this to me
again
?” Hadley smacked the top of the watercooler, her cheeks streaked with mascara.

“Stop being so dramantic.” Abby popped open her blue ring and checked her reflection in the tiny mirror inside. “Anyway…” She snapped it shut. “You can’t prove anything.”

“Yes I can,” Hadley continued, sobbing. “I heard those girls talking about it in the bathroom. Everyone in the whole studio heard the news, thanks to Calgary’s microphone!”

“I must have missed that,” Abby smirked. “While I was in the photo booth having text-sex with your boyfriend.”

Hadley charged headfirst into her stomach.

“Ooph!” Abby grabbed her abs and gasped for air.

“Now put your hands together for the stars of the upcoming feature
Dial L for Loser
, Hadley Durk and Abby Boyd!” Merri-Lee stood and applauded.

“Now!” Kay nudged the girls toward the set, ignoring their scuffle. “Hurry!”

“You might as well take this.” Hadley pulled off her
J’ADORE GABOR
shirt and whipped it at Abby’s head.

“Maybe if you did that more often, Gabor wouldn’t have cheated on you!” Abby shouted.

“Ladies, we’re live!” Kay shouted. “Go! Go!”

“
Hadley Durk and Abby Boyd!
” Merri-Lee repeated, her eyes searching the set.

Hadley folded her arms across her black demi-cup bra.

“
Now!
” shouted Kay.

“I can’t go out like
this
!” Hadley stood firm in her striped Keds.

Kay nudged her. “You should have thought of that before! We’re
live
! Now
go
!”

“I am so not going out there with that illiterate maneater,” Hadley insisted.

“Yes! You! Are!” Kay shoved the shirtless actress onto the set, then circled back for Abby.

Once they were both on the rotating stage, Kay rested her head in her hands, shoulders shaking.

“Well, talk about a publicity stunt.” Merri-Lee smiled awkwardly as beads of sweat congregated above her top lip.

“This isn’t a publicity stunt, Merri-Lee.” Hadley snapped her own bra strap. Her eyes were puffy and her cheeks looked like they’d been slapped by a wet oil painting. “I
gave
Abby my shirt before the show.”

“Why, might I ask?” Merri-Lee winked at the camera, letting the home audience know she was on the case.

Abby put her arm around Hadley like they were full-on BFFs. “Because our characters in the movie go to a party in their bras, and—”

“This has nothing to do with
Dial L
and you know it.” Hadley turned her back to Abby.

“Don’t do this.” Abby placed a hand on her shoulder but Hadley shrugged it away.

Massie, Dylan, Alicia, Kristen, and Claire grabbed one another’s wrists as tears gathered in Hadley’s eyes.

“This is so intense.” Kristen swallowed.

“Shhhhh,” everyone hissed.

“Abby stole my boyfriend.
Again!
” Hadley spoke directly to the camera.

The audience gasped.

“Explain how Gabor sticking his tongue down my larynx at an animal rights benefit is
me
stealing
him
?”

Merri-Lee forced a laugh, like a seasoned anchorwoman. “Unfortunately, we have to take a break, but when we get back, celebrity chef Rolo DiSanto will teach the girls how to make tofu lasagna.”

“Dial L for Lasagna,” Massie blurted from the side of her mouth.

The girls cracked up.

“Sounds delicious.” Calgary air-rubbed her stomach and licked her lips.

“Don’t go anywhere. We’ll be right back.” Merri-Lee held her smile as the show’s theme music began playing and the stage manager signaled the audience to cheer. When he lowered his arms, the applause died. So did Merri-Lee’s smile.

“Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on here?”

Kay raced to the set with Hadley’s red studded shirt. Seconds later, the stars were surrounded by a mass of hysterical producers.

“This cahn’t be happening,” declared a male with an ahdorable British accent.

Massie turned around and locked eyes with Rupert Mann, the director of
Dial L for Loser
, whom she immediately recognized as number three on
People
magazine’s “Ten Hottest Bachelors in Hollywood” list. He ran a hand through his ink-black hair, pushing his too-long-on-purpose bangs out of his cobalt-blue eyes.

“A deep tan and a good night’s sleep and he could have
easily
made number one,” Dylan whispered.

“Point,” Alicia said.

Rupert unwrapped a stick of Big Red and folded it into his mouth.

“Hi,” Massie blurted by accident.

“Do I know you?” he asked, unwrapping another stick of gum.

“Uh…” Massie paused, her mind racing. “Yeah, I was an extra in
Hurry Up and Wait.
I’m Massie, remember?”

“Roit, roit, of cose.” He ran a hand through his thick black hair.

Claire suddenly remembered why everyone worshiped Massie Block. She was totally fearless.

Boop-boop.

Boop-boop.

Rupert reached into the front pocket of his Diesels and answered his phone.

“Of couss I sawr it, you twit,” he spit. “The entia flip-pin’ country sawr it.… Hold on, I’ve got anotha call.… Hullo… Yes, I sawr it.… I know we start shooting in a week. Don’t you think I know that?… Hold awn, I’ve got anotha call.… Hullo…”

“’Scuse me.” A chubby production assistant in a white apron squeezed by with a silver cart of ingredients. He positioned it on set between Hadley and Abby.

“What do you think they’re saying out there?” Claire asked.

“Only one way to find out.” Massie suddenly pulled her onto the set.

“What are you doing?” Claire pretended to struggle, in case anyone was watching.

“Puh-lease. Do you really think anyone is paying attention to
us
?”

She had a point.

The producers, managers, and agents were too busy shouting at one another to notice that Hadley was slicing

the air with an uncooked lasagna noodle.

“You’re crazy!” Abby shook her head in utter disbelief.

“Oh,
I’m
crazy?” Hadley lurched forward and poked Abby’s arm with the noodle’s sharp corner.

“
Ouch!
”

Then she stuck her hand in the Pyrex bowl of shredded mozzarella.

“Don’t even think about it!” Abby warned.

“Okay, I won’t!” Hadley whipped a fistful of white cheese at her face.

Abby gripped the bowl of tomato sauce.

“Ehmagawd.” Claire lifted her hand to her mouth.

“This is history in the making.” Massie watched in awe. “Take a picture.”

“Don’t even think about it!” Kay hissed as she hurried by.

“
We’re back in twenty seconds,
” announced the deep voice over the PA system. Massie and Claire ran back to their seats.

“Throw that at me and I am so off this movie.” Hadley put her hands on her hips and stood still.

“Promise?” Abby lifted the bowl.

“
We’re back in ten.
”

“Oh, I promise.” Hadley squinted, legs planted firmly.

“Hey, everyone!” Abby shouted. “Meet Chef Boyar-Hadlee.” She lifted the bowl of tomato sauce and dumped it on Hadley’s head.

“Awww, bloody ’ell!” Rupert whipped his phone onto the studio floor. It split wide open. “Bloody, bloody ’ell!” He kicked it across the floor. A pregnant audience member waddled out and scooped the phone off the ground. She lifted it above her head and her section broke into applause.

“
In three… two…
” The stage manager pointed at Merri-Lee as the audience cheered. They were back on the air.

“I’m done!” Hadley stormed off the set. “Good luck finding someone who will work with
her.
”

Like a true professional, Merri-Lee made no mention of Hadley and focused all of her attention on Abby as if she had been the only guest all along.

Massie lifted her Motorola and snapped a picture of the sauce-covered actress as she ran by.

“May I?” Rupert plucked the phone from her hand.

“Sure.” Massie nudged Claire, who immediately took three shots of her grinning next to the red-faced director while he screamed, “What the bloody ’ell do I do now?” into her crystal-covered Motorola.

“Who is responsible for this?” He shouted with such force that a gob of spit landed on the mouthpiece. “Find me that person! I want that person!”

Dylan slowly backed away, then took off toward the rear exit.

Seconds later, Rupert stormed out of the studio, taking Massie’s beloved phone with him.

T
HE
B
LOCK
E
STATE

M
ASSIE’S
B
EDROOM

Friday, March 13th

7:25 P.M.

“Look at all these flowers.” Alicia tightened her black satin robe as she bent over a Jonathan Adler vase and sniffed an enormous bouquet of pink roses. “Are you sick or something?”

Massie rolled down the waistband on her white satin pajama bottoms. “My public misses me. Can you blame them?”

“You’re like a celebrity.” Claire plugged her Elph into Massie’s computer. One by one, pictures from their morning at
The Daily Grind
appeared on-screen.

“Today Westchester, tomorrow the world!” Massie stroked Bean as she mentally marked the pictures she was going to include in her first-ever Pretty Committee newsletter. The mass e-mail would be the most effective way to stay in the hearts and minds of the wannabes at OCD, now that daily face time was no longer an option.

“I like the one of us outside Village Studios, the shot of me and Hadley, the shot of me and Rupert. That’s probably it. The rest are too dark.” Massie shook her new bottle of Naughty Navy nail polish, wishing Abby and Hadley could see her now.

Flower arrangements and gift baskets with cards begging for her speedy return to OCD filled the nook by her bay window. Balloons were tied to the bedposts, and a menagerie of “Missing You” stuffed animals added a warm splash of color to elegant white furniture. Even without the gifts, the walk-in closet, forty-two-inch flat-screen TV, marble bathroom, and life-size mannequins of her and Bean would have rivaled the amenities available in the finest hotel suites in the world. And maybe, just maybe, if Abby and Hadley could have seen all this they would have been a little less interested in Claire and a lot more interested in her.

“Is that it?” Claire asked as she dragged the three shots onto the newsletter Massie had drafted earlier that afternoon.

“I guess.” Massie pouted. “I wish there were better shots of you guys.”

“I know,” Alicia whined.

“At least you’re in the picture in front of the studio,” Claire said. “I’m not in any of them.”

“I gave you photo credit.” Massie pointed at the screen. “See?”

Claire nodded as she examined her microscopic shout-out at the bottom of the page.

THE PRETTY COMMITTEE NEWSLETTER

Hey! Thanks times ten for the ah-dorable gifts. We heart them all, especially the you-know-what from you-know-who.

Everyone has been calling and e-mailing asking what we’ve been up to. So here’s a summary of our week.

Monday:
Hung out with Abby Boyd, Hadley Durk, and Rupert Mann (who borrowed my phone and never gave it back) on the set of
The Daily Grind
. Best time! (See pictures below.) The fight was in-sane. You ahb-viously read about it by now. OMG!

Tuesday:
Spent most of the day with Hadley. She was so upset about Gabor. Sorry, I pinky-swore I wouldn’t say more than that.

Wednesday:
Shopped in NYC with Abby, Alicia, Kristen, Dylan, and Claire. Mostly Fifth Ave. Did you know that Abby brings her iPod to stores so they can play her favorite songs while she shops? I’ll ask her if I can forward the playlist. It was awesome. We were dancing all day.

Thursday:
Spa day at home with the girls.

Friday:
Lunch with the girls at Dad’s golf club, then snack shopping for Friday night sleepover.

The girls are here now and everyone says hi. How is school? Any tests?

Have fun! We know we will.

Love, Your Pretty Committee

MASSIE
       DYLAN

Claire       KRISTEN       Alicia

*Photos by Claire Lyons.

“What’s with the whole ‘you-know-what from you-know-who’?” Claire asked. “What did you get?”

“Nothing,” Massie smirked. “I made that up.”

“You made it all up, didn’t you?” Alicia asked.

“Well, do you remember shopping with Abby?”

“No.”

“We’re fighting a war here.” Massie selected her newsletter-distribution list, and sixty-seven names appeared in her address bar. “Imagine going back to OCD and finding Da Crew at our lunch table. Or the Country Club under our tree.” She hit send.

“That is,
if
we get back to school.” Kristen threw down her
Philosophy for Dummies
book.

“Can I try these prunes?” Dylan poked the cellophane on a fruit-and-nut basket.