Dial L for Loser (6 page)

“Gabor and I have been in love since Christmas.” Hadley popped a strawberry into her mouth.

While Massie was nodding, pretending to follow the story, she pinched Claire’s wrist and murmured, “Picture” from the side of her mouth. Claire snapped a quick shot.

Kristen and Alicia rushed to either side of Hadley, hoping to be in the next one, but Massie growled and they backed away.

“Next weekend we’re going to the Swiss Alps so he can show me the resort that put his picture on the lift tickets.”

“You’re so lucky,” Kristen chimed in. “I would love to date a pro snowboarder. They have the most ah-mazing clothes.”

“And they’re faithful.” Hadley sighed, “I’m over dating actors. All they do is cheat.” She glared at Abby.

“Ew! What is
that
?” Abby pointed at the floor. “It’s revol-sive!”

Everyone knew about Abby Boyd’s vocabulary, otherwise known as the “a-bby-c’s.” She had been making up her own ah-mazing words in magazine interviews and on talk shows for as long as Massie could remember.

“It looks like a ferret.” Hadley sounded amused.

Abby snapped her fingers in agreement.

Alicia, Claire, and Kristen burst out laughing. They knew exactly what that “revolsive” thing on the floor was.

“Um, I think you dropped your weave.” Abby pinched the long brown extension and laid it on Massie’s shoulder.

“Thanks.” Massie rolled her eyes, trying to quell the tornado of humiliation that was swirling inside of her.
Why this? Why now?
This was supposed to be an “OMG” moment, the moment when Abby Boyd found her future BFF, Massie Block… not her hair.

“My stylist is so fired!” She dropped the extension in her Gucci and turned away to hide her burning cheeks.

“I hear ya.” Abby’s smile was sympathetic. “I had those stupid extensions for a while. Then it hit me.” She snapped once. “Long brown hair is so commonstream. So I axed it.”

She took off her fedora and tousled a new short blond Sienna Miller 2006 cut. It was the exact opposite of the dark, rib-dusting ’do she’d sported in
Us Weekly.

“Ehmagawd,” Massie heard herself say. “When?”

“Tuesday.”

“Hey.” Alicia smacked Massie’s arm. “Isn’t that the same day you put yours in?”

Massie nodded, wondering if Alicia’s lawyer dad could sue the trashy tabloid for printing old photos.

“I did the same thing.” Kristen pulled off her Pucci head scarf and flaunted her boy cut.

“Ehmagawd!” Massie wanted to scream. Kristen
hated
her hair!

“Don’t you feel so much more sophisticated?” Abby lifted her wrist to her mouth and bit into her pastel-colored candy bracelet.

“Totally.” Kristen fluffed her uneven layers. “Ever since I got this cut, people think I’m fifteen.”

“And a guy.” Massie couldn’t help herself.

Alicia and Hadley burst out laughing. Kristen’s cheeks turned bright red.

“Heyyyyy.” Dylan inserted herself into the conversation. “Wha’d I miss?” A red curl was stuck to her lip gloss.

“Abby and I have matching haircuts.” Kristen beamed.

“And look at Hadley’s shoes.” Claire pointed. “We have the same Keds.”

“Ah-dorable!” Dylan shouted. “You
have
to show my mom
.
It’s like that special she did called ‘Bankrupt and Beautiful,’ about regular people who spend their savings to look like celebrities. She won an Emmy for that.”

Massie rolled her eyes. Dylan was ahb-viously showing off.

“How do you feel?” she smirked. “Did you make it to the bathroom in time?”

“Yup.” Dylan didn’t seem the least bit embarrassed. “Glad that’s over.” She grabbed her butt cheeks. “I had to grow a tail in the biggest way.”

“Ew!” Alicia cracked up.

Hadley dropped her plate of strawberries on the glass coffee table.

“Sorry.” Massie apologized on Dylan’s behalf. “She didn’t mean to—”

“Did you just say ‘grow a tail’?” Hadley knit her arched eyebrows.

“Yeah.” Dylan giggled.

“That is so effing genius.” Hadley high-fived her. “Gabor is going to love that!” She whipped out her Motorola Sidekick and began thumbing the keypad at top speed.

“Classic.” Abby snapped three times.

“Isn’t it?” Massie tried to laugh with them. But nothing came out.

V
ILLAGE
S
TUDIOS

G
REEN
R
OOM

Monday, March 9th

8:50 A.M.

“Audio!” shouted a scruffy blond dude in a faded New York University tee. He was in the center of the bustling green room craning his neck. “Abby? Hadley?”

Claire tapped Hadley’s bony shoulder. “I think that guy’s looking for you.”

“Meow!” Abby shoved Hadley aside. “Over here, cow-boy.” She waved.

With a quick nod, he hurried toward her.

“He looks more like Mickey Mouse in those big head-phones,” Claire said.

Everyone cracked up except Massie.

“I’m Erik.” He sounded out of breath. “I need to get these mics on you. We’re live in ten minutes.”

He ran a thin wire up Hadley’s
J’ADORE GABOR
shirt, then clipped a tiny round microphone to her collar. “Thanks.” She smiled.

His cheeks flushed.

“My turn.” Abby stuck out her chest like he was their plastic surgeon. “You are too cute. And I never go for blonds.” She grinned. “Tell me you’re single and I’ll stuff you in my Balenciaga and take you back to Beverly Hills.”

“Ehmagawd, I have a Balenciaga too!” Dylan beamed.

“It’s right over—” She started spinning in circles like a dog chasing its tail. “Ehmagawd, it’s gone! I must have left it in the bathroom.” Her panic-filled eyes begged for help.

Unsure of what a Balenciaga was or how to react when one goes missing, Claire plopped down on the white couch, hoping her ignorance would go unnoticed.

“I’ll find it,” Massie volunteered, probably to show Abby and Hadley what a good friend she was.

“Let me help.” Alicia raced to Massie’s side.

“I’ll wait here.” Claire brought her knees to her chest, the way Abby had earlier.

“Me too.” Kristen joined her.

Massie hooked her thumbs through her belt loops. “I think you should come with us.”

“It’s cool, they can hang.” Hadley twirled one of her braids.

Claire smiled graciously.

“No,” Massie snapped. “It’s not.”

Claire and Kristen exchanged a glance.

“I’m serious.” Massie stomped her foot. “Dylan needs us right now.”

The girls exchanged another glance while Massie stood above them tapping her foot. Alicia’s arms were folded across her C-cups.

“You’re right.” Kristen pulled herself up to stand.

Claire sighed and did the same. She was too embarrassed to say goodbye to Hadley and hurried off.

“I don’t understand why we
all
have to go.” Kristen pulled her book bag out from under the food table and followed Massie into the hall.

“Because we’re BFFs and we help each other in emergencies.”

“Point,” Alicia sneered.

“Sorry,” Kristen murmured.

“Found it!” Dylan shouted when the girls entered the bathroom. She was leaning against the silver trough sink, cradling the red leather bag like she had just birthed it from her loins.

“Cool, now can we go back?” Claire gripped the door handle.

“No,” Dylan whispered. “Close it. Close it.”

“Why?” She stepped back inside.

“I have some news that’s worth at least, hmmmmm.” Dylan bit her lip and searched the ceiling. “One thousand gossip points.”

“Shut up!” Alicia slapped her arm. “I only got five hundred for ‘Lara Davis pees her bed.’ And there’s no way yours can beat
that.
”

Dylan stuck out her hand. “Bets?”

Massie swatted her hand away.

“I’ll decide when I hear it.”

“Okay, so after I grew a tail, I went to say hi to Sheena, my mom’s stylist.” Dylan started off whispering but quickly returned to her regular tone. “And she told me that Abby was on her Sidekick, like, the
entire
time she was getting her hair done.”

Massie fake-yawned. “Borrr-ing.”

Everyone cracked up.

“Stop laughing.” Dylan punched her Balenciaga. “That’s ahb-viously not the best part.”

“Hurry up, then.” Kristen checked her cell phone. “The show is live in, like, three minutes.”

Dylan took a deep breath, then continued. “So, Sheena saw that Abby got an e-mail from her friend Suki, who asked if she hooked up with Gabor after their date last night.”

“Wait, isn’t Gabor Hadley’s boyfriend?” Claire asked.

“Ex-actly!” Dylan gave her a playful shove, accidentally knocking Claire into the tampon dispenser.

“Ehmagawd, so what did Abby say?” Alicia flapped her hands like a cuckoo bird in flight. “Did she hook up with Gabor?”

“Abby wrote back, ‘Of course we hooked up, we always do.’”

Everyone’s mouths hung open, but no one said a word.

“It turns out Abby and Gabor have been hooking up behind Hadley’s back for
weeks
.”

“Ehmagawd, first Palmer, now Gabor!” Alicia pounded her fist on the steel trough.

“Abby is pathological.” Kristen sounded disgusted.

Claire wondered if anyone knew what
pathological
meant, but everyone nodded in agreement so she did too.

“You totally earned your gossip points.” Massie whipped out her PalmPilot and added one thousand to Dylan’s score.

“
All personnel to the studio floor. We are live in two minutes,
” a deep male voice announced over the PA system.

Suddenly, a toilet flushed.

Claire’s spine stiffened. Gossip rule number one is: Never dish in a public bathroom. Even
she
knew that.

“
Ehmagawd
.” Dylan fanned her mouth like she had just bitten into a chili pepper.

“Run!” Massie whisper-yelled.

“Not to worry, girlies, your secret’s safe with me.” Calgary Edwards, Merri-Lee’s ah-nnoyingly perky cohost, raced out of the stall as though flames were shooting out of the bowl. She pumped some L’Occitane Verbena Harvest soap, turned the faucet with her elbow, and scrubbed vigorously. “I’m a vault.” She shook the water off her hands, then hurried out.

The girls burst out laughing the second she was gone.

“
One minute to live, folks,
” the voice announced. “
Places.
”

“Ehmagawd, the show’s about to start!” Kristen tossed her book bag under the trough.

“Follow me.” Dylan grabbed Massie’s wrist and led everyone through a maze of hallways. She parted two heavy black curtains and suddenly, voilà!—they were on the set of
The Daily Grind
.

“Wow,” was all Claire could say. She had spent hundreds of mornings watching Merri-Lee and her guests chat about movies, music, and fashion from
The Daily Grind
’s famous rotating stage. And now she was
there
, close enough to touch it.

Everything looked the way it did on TV, only smaller. As expected, the panoramic photo of the New York skyline hung behind Merri-Lee’s desk. Her cappuccino cart was in arm’s reach of her leopard-print wing chair, and the guest couch was covered in white faux fur. The flat-screen monitor she used to interview her guests on the West Coast was getting a quick spray-down with Windex, but other than that, it looked the same too. The only thing that seemed different was the audience applause. It was ten times louder in person, especially once the band busted into the show’s jazzy theme. Everyone put down their complimentary coffee, jumped to their feet, and started dancing. Claire shook her hips, wishing Cam could see.

“Kuh-laire, we’re VIPs!” Massie hissed. “Stop acting like
them
.” She tilted her head toward the audience.

“Sorry.” She stopped moving and did her best to look bored and unimpressed.

“Ready, girlies?” Calgary smoothed her sexy tan business suit.

“Ready!” Claire responded as if they were about to take the stage together.

“’Scuse me, Calgary?” Erik, the scruffy audio guy, gently placed a hand on her back. “Remember to turn your micro-phone off when you use the ladies’ room. You are patched through to the house speakers, and we can hear—”

“Oh no.” Calgary smacked her own forehead. “Could everyone on the studio floor hear me tinkle?”

He lowered his head and nodded.

“IT’SSSSS
THE DA-ILY GRIIIIIND
!” the show’s announcer roared.

The audience exploded with applause.

“THE WEEKEND IS FINALLY OVER, AND IT’S TIME TO GET DOWN TO SOME SERIOUS BUSINESS!”

That was Calgary’s cue. She strode on set swinging her emerald-green alligator briefcase.

“She is so busted,” Massie said into her cupped hands.

The girls giggled into their palms, tears gathering in their eyes.

“Imagine if she had the thunda from down unda?” Dylan burst out into hysterics.

“We wouldn’t have to imagine,” Alicia snorted. “We’d hear it.”

They cracked up even harder.

“Ehmagawd, look.” Kristen’s smile faded.

They followed her gaze to the watercooler on the side of the set and saw Hadley jumping up and down on Abby’s gray fedora.

Massie twirled her long ponytail. “Serves Abby right for cutting her hair!”

“That hat belonged to my grandfather!” Abby shouted. “Give it!” She tugged one of Hadley’s braids. “Back!” She tugged the other.

“Well, Gabor was
my
boyfriend.” Hadley kicked Abby’s shin.

She grabbed her leg. “You can have him. He kisses like a snapping turtle.”

“AND NOW FOR EVERYONE’S FAVORITE BOSS, MERRI-LEE MARVIL!”

Dylan’s mom bounded onto the set from the far side of the stage. Her red wavy hair bounced with every step she took. She blew kisses to her fans, completely unaware of her feuding guests. Once she was seated in her leopard-print chair, Merri-Lee held her yellow mug in front of her lips and waited for the audience to quiet down.

“The show is starting.” Claire tugged Massie’s tunic.

“Puh-lease. This is way more exciting than
The Daily Grind
. It’s an
Us Weekly
cover in the making. Quick, where’s your camera?”