Devil's Despair Box Set: Books 1-3 (102 page)

“Because it’s important to me that you do. Have you read yours?”

“No.”

“Why not?” he asks, running his hand through his hair then down his face.

“I’m not ready.”

“Squirt, you’ll never be ready.”

“I thought I was once. Trav kept asking me to, but then . . .”

“Yeah,” he says guiltily. “I know.”

“I wish you understood what he meant to me.”

Ace looks away, putting his hands together in his lap and focusing on my wall next to the door. “What he
means
to you,” he corrects.

“Yes.”

“I told her I’d watch over you,” he starts in reference to Bean. “She made me promise during one of our last talks that I’d help you through the loss of her when it happened and that I’d take care of you until you could do it for yourself. I didn’t do that.”

Rolling my eyes, I look to the ceiling, so tired of having this discussion. “I left you, Ace. If that makes you feel better, think of it like that. You didn’t kick me out, I wanted away from you.”

“Travis helped you heal,” he states quietly. “I didn’t.”

“You gave us the space to let him do it. You had to know if I moved in with him he wouldn’t let me suffer alone.”

“You’re so young, Sarah,” he tells me, trying to sound certain.

“I’m an adult.”

“You’re nineteen, Sarah.”

“An
adult,
” I reiterate.

“Fuck, this sucks. My life was easier when you were twelve,” he says, still not looking at me, but now studying the nightstand next to my bed. His eyes study the framed picture I have of Travis, Bean, and me, taken a few years ago.

“Not really. You didn’t like me any more or less then.”

His eyes come to mine and they undergo a marked, dramatic change. Any doubt and insecurity he felt in talking about Bean evaporates and in its place I feel a warmth from Ace I’ve longed for since she died.

“I’ve always loved you. But, you’re right. I didn’t always like you.”

“Well, there were times I hated you.”

“Yeah, I know. You hate me now. You made that shit fuckin’ clear tonight.”

“I love him, Ace,” I say with conviction. “I feel like you’re making this out to be a ridiculous relationship. It’s not! You used his past against him. It’s not any more his fault he had a shitty mom than it is ours.”

“I know.”

“I want you to know I won’t give up. I’ll get to him again and if he listens to me I’ll be with him with or without your blessing.”

If Travis would take me back and agree to let me leave all of those who betrayed us both behind, I’d go—willingly. I’d look forward to whatever life with him he’d let me have.

“You’d leave me?” The hurt in his voice can’t be mistaken.

The truth in mine can’t either. “Yes. You have Rae and Deck. I don’t want anyone but Trav.”

“Read the letter. Bean wanted what was best for you. You’ll see it.”

“She loved Travis. He’s what’s best for me,” I return quickly, ignoring his attempts to convince me to do what he demands.

“She loved us all, but it doesn’t make what he did right,” he replies.

“He didn’t do anything I didn’t want him to! Don’t you see that?” I argue, but it falls on deaf ears.

Standing up, Ace looks around my room. I haven’t unpacked and have no plans to. The bag I packed at Travis’s sits open on the floor in the corner. He eyes it briefly before he turns back to me.

“I don’t see you as an adult yet,” he starts softly. “But I’m trying.”

“Can I have him back?” I ask.

“I need time.”

“That’s not a no.”

“It’s not a yes.” Ace moves toward me again and bends down closer than I’m comfortable with. I feel his hand grab mine and squeeze. It’s a sweet gesture that I rarely feel from him. Normally, other than the day at Bean’s grave, our contact extends to roughing each other up in some way. It’s how we’ve always been and it’s our own version of affection.

“Tell Rae I’ll talk to her later,” I say, breaking the silence.

He nods and moves toward my bedroom door; he’s on his way to leaving me alone with the letter I don’t want to read.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow?” he asks.

“Maybe.”

“It’ll work out the way it’s supposed to. Bean would say that, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, she would,” I agree.

After Ace closes the door, I look down at the pillow and breathe out a heavy sigh. The envelope’s been opened; the edges have been worn thin. I realize now he’s read his letter more than once, probably closer to a dozen times. I close my eyes and imagine how many times he’s called on her for help just as I have. Then wonder if she ever spoke to him the way I wished she’d speak to me.

“Here we go,” I say to no one, and no one answers.

Except my Bean.

Ace,

There aren’t any words of comfort that I can offer to easily get you through this and by reading this letter you already know I’m finally spending my days in a place where I’m no longer suffering. I wasn’t going to live forever and no one, not even you, can escape death. When a person’s time is up, it’s up. My time came earlier than I had anticipated.

Although I’m not there in person, I’m always going to be with you in spirit. Right now I can do what I can to help guide you through the process of what comes next.

All your life I’ve watched as you grew into the man you’ve finally become. You’re a strong, proud person with the courage and strength that only the few you love have ever seen. Your heart has always been your own and, at times, you’ve given it much too freely to those who didn’t deserve it. I’m counting on you to stay true to who you are now, Ace. It’s important to those that love you.

You’ve spent your young years taking care of Sarah and me and it can’t be denied that you deserve your own happiness after all you’ve been through. I can’t thank you enough for all you’ve given me, Ace. It would be a tragedy for you not to understand that you and Sarah were the reason I lived such a long, fulfilled, and happy life; the two of you became the reason for my existence.

I’m sure by reading this you can imagine there’s more I’m going to ask of you, though.

Your little sister will need your time and attention for a long while still, I’m afraid. Your patience with her is going to waver, but your love for her will be to the light to her path in finding out who she truly is. It will be the anchor to the ever-changing emotional storm that she’s about to battle her way through.

For me, please love and protect her through this as you have so many times in the past when she needed it. Help her realize the person she’s destined to become. I can’t do this for her as I’ve always tried to do for you. She’s so young, and has a lifetime of happiness in front of her. Sarah has always been her own person and because of that she often has worn you thin, I know this. It will be challenging, but I have faith, Ace. You must hold on to my faith now, too.

Let Raegan shoulder some of your grief. You don’t lean on her enough, and you should. Let her take care of what she can. It’s every woman’s right and duty to help those she loves through troubling times. As women, it makes us stronger in the long run and helps us heal, as well.

And as your grandmother, I know all of this to be true.

Keep your wits and patience about you with little Decklan. He looks up to you in ways little boys look to their fathers for guidance and understanding. He’s learned so much from you already, so be firm but kind to him in the years to come. He’ll be watching and learning from you for the rest of his life. With a blessing, I hope he’ll grow up just as you did: surrounded by those who love him.

I’m so sorry for the grief and devastation I know you must be feeling. But if I know my boy like I think I do, you’ll come out of this an even stronger person for it.

If that’s possible.

All my love eternally,

Bean

I have to blindly fold the letter and put it back in the envelope. I can’t see anymore. My eyes and face, but mostly my heart, are covered in the loss of her again.

I realize now Ace is trying to do what Bean’s asked. He’s trying to protect me from possible heartache, but in doing so, he’s causing it himself.

The rest of the night I spend in bed without sleeping. With the playlist on repeat, I listen to every word of every song I’ve ever heard Travis play.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Travis

“HAVE YOU DECIDED
what you’re gonna do with this place once it’s finished?” Greg asks, loading up his truck after he’s helped pack it in for the night.

“Not yet. Thought about keeping it.”

“And moving in?”

“Maybe.” I’ve thought about doing exactly that.

Lacey called last night and told me what happened with Sarah. I told her she came to see me and heard Lacey’s voice became hopeful when she expressed how happy that must’ve made me. When I explained what I had done, ending it officially, she called me an idiot and told me I’m letting go of someone who loves me despite myself.

Lacey was right. Sarah doesn’t care about my childhood, my moody temper, my lack of relationships with women. She never questions why I am the way I am, but rather she just accepts me. None of my past matters to her, none of it she knows of anyway.

It doesn’t change why I’m letting her go without a fight.

Sarah deserves a life with someone who’s able to give her what she needs, and that includes Ace’s approval. Sarah’s young and she hasn’t truly lived her life for her yet. She’s hidden behind Ace and Bean for too long. She’s forgotten who she really is.

As I watch Greg’s truck leave the driveway, my body goes rigid when I spot Ace’s red and silver Harley pull into the drive.

You’ve got to be fucking bullshittin’ someone else.

After Ace parks the bike, he removes his helmet, puts the kickstand down, and walks toward me determinedly.

“Got a minute?” he asks without an official greeting and with attitude that isn’t needed.

I turn to look behind me. The door’s already open, so I answer, “Depends. If you’re here to threaten to kick my ass for doin’ somethin’ I’d do ten times over, then no, Ace, I don’t have a fuckin’ minute for you.”

“I came to talk.”

“Sure as fuck didn’t want to talk when you told me in front of everyone that I wasn’t good enough for Sarah.”

“Fuck,” he says, exhaling. Putting his hands on his hips, he adds, “Maybe this was a bad idea.”

“Thinkin’ maybe you’re right. I’m not sure you and I talkin’ about anything other than what a fuckin’ prick you are right now is a good idea.”

“If you were in my position, you’d have reacted the same.”

“Fuck you, Ace. It
was
me in that position, and yeah, I was pissed at Hayden. I had faith in Lacey, though. You have none in Sarah.”

“We’re not talkin’ about Lacey. And it’s not the same.”

“Isn’t it?” I snap back, wanting to lay Ace out where he stands.

Gathering his composure, he tells me, “I’m here so you can have your say.”

“Right,” I utter, turning toward the house and hearing his footsteps follow mine.

Once we make it inside and up to the kitchen, I grab two beers from the fridge. I shouldn’t be surprised he’s here. If Sarah told him about the things I said to her and he’s not upset, that would mean he’s come here to make peace between us, and attempt to find our friendship again; but that’s impossible.

What he’s done, not to me but to Sarah, isn’t something I’ll ever forgive or forget.

The house isn’t furnished, making us unable to sit in a relaxed position. Instead, we settle in the small kitchen, each resting against opposite walls.

“You’re fixin’ up your dad’s old place?” Ace asks, filling the room with fucked-up small talk.

Putting the beer down on the cooler, meant to be a makeshift chair, I ask with little patience, “What’s it you’re really doin’ here?”

“Travis,” he starts
with my name.

I can’t
not
smile when remembering Sarah explain to me that I say her name to calm her when she’s crazy. Apparently, he’s learned this trick from me.

Pulling me out of my reverie, Ace continues talking. “I came to talk to you about Sarah.”

Closing my eyes, I picture her broken face. “Well, I kinda figured that was the case.”

“She’s upset.”

He’s telling me what I clearly already know.

“Fuck yeah, she is. Jesus Christ, Ace. What’d you think? I told her it would be okay,” I start, feeling my body warming as the blood forces the anger out. “Then not long after, I told her we were done. Unsure how the fuck you could expect me to hold her hand through this shit when I’m not allowed near her.” I’m shaking. I’ve never really thought about hurting Ace the way I know I could now. “You asked, no you demanded, this be done and it is. So fuck you if you think I’ll help
her
hate
you
less.”

“I may have been wrong,” he returns quietly, eyes not on me but on the ground.

“You
were
wrong,” I correct, throwing my beer cap in the sink and hearing it clink before it settles at the bottom.

“I
may have been,
” Ace revises. “I’m here because I want to know how you feel about her.”

Clenching my jaw, I grab my beer and take a pull before I respond to his ridiculous request. Willing my voice to stay low, I tell him, “If you don’t already know how I feel about her, how I’ve
always felt about her
in one way or another, then you have no business being here and you should go.”

“Sarah’s my business. She’s my concern.”

“That’s the fuckin’ problem, isn’t it? That’s
always
been the problem.” I reply. “You’ve always had your
eyes
on Sarah, but really, do you know her? Do you know her heart?” I ask casually. “Do you know she can watch a ridiculous rerun episode of her favorite fuckin’ show with you, but not look at the screen because she’s just happy for the company?” I could stop, but I don’t. I keep going. “Did you know she still rocks herself to sleep at night? She does. She can’t sit still. All her life we’ve told her to be calm, stop bothering us, watch her mouth. All this time, Ace, she’s only been who
we’ve
made her. She’s never been Sarah!”