Deviations: Submission (34 page)

"He cares about you, of course he would." He did his best to be serious about it, to let Phan know that he understood.

"It was brave of you to go."

"It was ... necessary. I was scared, see? I was losing time, losing my job, losing it all-and I had nowhere to go and no one to lean on." Phan looked at him intently. "Tobias looked for me. When I didn't show up at the club again he asked around. He made a point of knowing when I could have company, when I was clean. And then he showed up and asked if I was going to stay straight."

"And then he took you on?" Noah was starting to understand their connection, that it went much further than a contract.

Phan grinned. "Nope. Wouldn't have anything to do with me until I convinced him I didn't want to drink anymore, that I knew I was going to need help to stay sober. Then he took 307

Deviations: Submission

by Jodi Payne, Chris Owen

me. Put me in deep submission for about two months, I think-it was wild. First time I didn't have to think, ever. The only thing that mattered was taking care of him. He picked my clothes, my food, told me when to sleep. All I did was the chores and stuff."

Noah sighed. "Well, I see what you mean by saving your life. Did you always live with him?"

"Pretty much. Didn't have sex with him for ... oh, months.

And we weren't lovers until damn near a year after he moved me in." Phan leaned back as Katie appeared with a tray laden with dishes. Chicken, rice, beef and vegetable plates filled the table in short order and Phan looked at it critically. "Better bring more water, Katie."

"This has that extremely spicy look about it," Noah remarked.

"Aw, come on, man. You like hot and spicy-you're with Tobias." Phan winked.

"No, spicy is good. Spicy is great," Noah insisted, picking up his fork.

"Okay, your turn. How come you need him so bad that you're freaked I'll take him away? Because that is so not going to happen. We've been down that road and it didn't work."

It was a fair question, especially in light of how honest Phan had just been with him, but that didn't make it easier to answer. "Call it insecurity. I'd had a couple of bad experiences in a row and I'd honestly given up on finding a Dom that suited me, let alone one that could deal with my issues. I'd been through almost everyone at the club. So when Bradford 308

Deviations: Submission

by Jodi Payne, Chris Owen

hooked me up with Tobias, who didn't know me at all, and I was actually about to give it up for him that night for the first time in over a year-I trusted him that quickly-it was frightening. And then to have him give me his pager number to meet again, when I was sure there was no way he'd want someone broken like me..." Noah sighed. That was far more babbling than he'd meant to do, but somehow Phan, too, inspired trust. "I firmly believe he has what it takes to put Humpty back together again, if you know what I mean. And now that I have it..." He poked at some rice, shook his head and went silent.

"You don't want anyone fucking it up. I get that." Phan poked at the chicken. "I don't know how much I can tell you about our breakup. I mean, it's his shit too, you know? I can try though, 'cause I don't think you'll get it until you hear at least part of it."

Noah looked up at Phan. He'd planned to ask, he wanted to know, but he didn't know how to bring it up. Phan thankfully, just did it for him. "So just give me your shit. He'll give me his when he's ready."

Surprisingly, Phan didn't agree right away. "Yeah, maybe.

He can be kind of ... well, he keeps it close. If he doesn't want to talk about it, he won't. And then he goes the other way, too, talking and talking..." Phan ate some rice and lifted his water glass. "But my part. Yeah, okay.

"So, after the first year, we're together. We live together, we're doing the D/s thing 24/7, but not full on, just ... I do for him, he takes care of me. I can do what I want, I just respect him enough to let him know where I'm going, you know?"

309

Deviations: Submission

by Jodi Payne, Chris Owen

"Sounds like a nice arrangement." Noah had to admit to himself that it sounded like a damn good arrangement, in fact. Noah started in on the rice, sipping water between bites, to avoid getting emotional about it.

"It was. And it lasted for three years like that. Except he didn't hit me hard enough, didn't use the bullwhip unless I begged so hard I thought I'd break, and then only because it broke his heart to see me like that. We started going to Bradford; Tobias would watch as I bled and tend to my wounds, both of us crying."

"Tobias did tell me that you needed more pain than he was able to give you," Noah said with a nod but avoided telling Phan that one of the first questions Tobias had asked him was if he was a pain slut. Noah was also well aware of Bradford's range, and tears could come quickly with him.

Phan shrugged, but he was looking at the table, not at Noah. "Man's a vet. He spends his time soothing animals, making sure they don't hurt. I don't think it's in his nature."

He glanced up for a moment and smiled weakly. "But we loved each other, right? So we tried to push the boundary another way. He took away everything, every right I had, every dollar, every means I had to live without him. And I signed the contract making him my owner."

Noah already knew that was the road to disaster for them and hated for Phan to have to rehash it, but he really did believe this was what he needed to know to get over this jealousy nonsense once and for all. He was sure he was almost there already and that this meeting had been an excellent idea after all. He decided to help Phan out by telling 310

Deviations: Submission

by Jodi Payne, Chris Owen

him the little he already knew. "Tobias told me it wasn't the right boundary, he told me it eventually led to your breakup."

Phan laughed humorlessly. "Yeah. Turns out I needed something he couldn't give me no matter what he took."

"I'm sorry," Noah said, reaching across the table impulsively, and with little regard for who might see, to touch Phan's hand. "How did you finally figure it out? Did you break the contract or wait for it to end?"

"I, um. I had to—" Phan stopped suddenly and blinked rapidly. "Sorry, kiddo. That part's his. But trust me-we were both hurting. Look-I love him, all right? I always will. But I'm not in love with him anymore. We hurt for a long, long time after we broke up, even tried to get back together once. But we split up for all the right reasons. I'm fierce about him, and I'll stand by him forever-but he's not mine." Bright blue eyes met his, and Noah found himself thinking that Phan couldn't live his life like this, so raw and open; he'd go mad. "He's yours. Do your best, okay? He deserves it."

Noah held Phan's eyes, thinking carefully about his response before finally answering him. "I promise," he said in all seriousness. "He does deserve it." He considered his words again and then gave Phan's hand a squeeze. "Listen, I can see there's no way I could pry the two of you apart if I wanted to, and you need to know that I don't. I don't want to.

I respect what the two of you have, okay? It's a really rare kind of friendship. I'm glad we did this, it's made a world of difference for me, and I hope you're getting something out of it, too."

311

Deviations: Submission

by Jodi Payne, Chris Owen

"I get to eat with a hot cop," Phan said with a weak grin.

He squeezed Noah's hand back. "I'm glad, too," he said softly. "You're doing what you have to do, and you're obviously serious about him. That makes me happy. Wanna know how to blow his mind?"

"That was going to be the million dollar question, after asking you why you broke up," Noah joked, helping Phan lighten the mood.

Phan grinned and finally let go of Noah's hand with a last squeeze. "You're sleeping chained to the bed, or in the bed?

'Cause you can do this two ways." He picked up his fork and attacked a dish of marinated green beans.

"Depends on the night, equal amounts of both so far,"

Noah answered.

"Okay, so if you're a smart little sub you've figured out you've got enough chain that you can get in the bed and blow him in the morning, yeah? And if you're in the bed chances are he's gonna do something anyway, right?"

Noah laughed. "Been there done that, a couple of times."

"Good. Now here's the thing. At night, before you go to bed, bring him tea-herbal stuff, no caffeine. For some reason tea makes him change positions more often closer to dawn-he could probably tell you why, but frankly I don't care. And right around when the alarm goes off he should be on his belly. If you're lucky, anyway."

Noah raised an eyebrow, pausing just long enough to say,

"This is getting interesting," before taking a bite of the spiciest chicken he had ever tasted. "Oh, my God." He dove for the water.

312

Deviations: Submission

by Jodi Payne, Chris Owen

"Watch the chicken, it bites back," Phan deadpanned.

"Anyway, if you can get him on his stomach, get in the bed from the bottom, same as you have to so you can blow him.

And then just ... lick him behind one knee. It'll shoot up and he'll be wide open. Go to town and listen to him scream-he goes wild. Better than any morning blow job."

"No way, really?" Noah knew he was grinning entirely too widely about something as simple as a rim-job but hey, if it made the man crazy he was all over it. "That's excellent advice; the blow job wake-up call was getting a little ...

overdone."

"He screams."

"He'll know what's up when I offer to bring him tea before bed." Noah laughed.

Phan shook his head. "Nope. I don't think he ever clued in.

Oh, and if you're sleeping in the bed?"

"Uh huh?" Noah braved the chicken again; it was hot, but man, was it good.

Phan winked and licked his lips, looking particularly naughty, sort of like a demented sprite. "Go to bed lubed if you can, or slip out when he's dead to the world and get yourself ready. When it's time to get him ... up, go down on him like usual, but just before he pops, crawl up his body and sit on his cock."

"Ohhhh," Noah breathed and felt his own cock react to that suggestion. "Oh, that is wicked. Lovely. You're far more creative than I am."

"Possibly just more of a pervert," Phan said with a wink.

"Is he training you to heel?"

313

Deviations: Submission

by Jodi Payne, Chris Owen

"Ouch, yes," Noah winced visibly. "Fucking clamps."

Phan snorted. "Be glad it's not your dick. Anyway, walk to heel all the time if you can-like when you go out to the stables or something? He doesn't even notice but it makes him ... happy. Content. And that earns you kisses and touches and sleeping in the bed."

"I've been doing a bit of that, mostly just for my own practice without those damn clamps." Noah grinned; this was fun. He wondered if Tobias would be pleased or not, but he figured the man had to know they'd trade secrets. "I'll do it more often. So, hot spots beside the obvious? I found the one on his right shoulder Saturday by mistake."

"Oh, that's a nice one. Another right above his belly button, and for God's sake don't forget his nipples. His fascination with yours is rooted in his own dick." Phan nodded thoughtfully and finished with the beans. "If you get a chance, ask to bring some of the dildos into the house. He really, really likes them, but for some reason he thinks they're an indulgence in the house."

"I wondered about that, I thought it was odd that he left most of the toys in the barn," Noah said putting his fork down. "That was delicious."

"Glad you liked it," Phan said with another grin. "I think that'll keep me warm for a few days. And yeah-he likes them out there, but if you can talk him into a few in the house that'll be a good thing for you both. He tends to compartmentalize without knowing it."

"Everything in its place," Noah teased. "So, hey, are you with anyone now?"

314

Deviations: Submission

by Jodi Payne, Chris Owen

Phan shrugged. "Not really. I play a bit, but it's not like what you have. Mostly I have a need and Bradford fills it.

We're friends, too, so that helps." He looked at Noah and tilted his head again. "You looked for this for a long time, kiddo. He'll do everything he can, and you're meeting him halfway, which is ... well, if it's not me, you'll do." He winked and raised his glass in a casual salute.

Noah shook his head. "I'm going to have to watch you, aren't I? Listen, you have my number, yeah? Let's do this again. I don't have enough friends in the scene, and it's nice to have a conversation where I don't have to watch my Ps and Qs once in a while." Noah waved his credit card at the waitress and she hurried over to collect it.

"Sure, if you'd like. Um. You going to get bent if we clear things with the man, though?"

Noah looked up and caught the grin on Phan's face. Little troublemaker. He laughed. "No. Next time I'll ask him before we make any plans." He patted his ass lightly. "I've learned my lesson, 'kiddo.'"

"That's Mr. Kiddo to you. Or even 'Phantom the fabulous'.

Possibly, 'Oh yes, right there, I love your tongue', if we play it right." And then he was just laughing and bouncing and so small that Noah remembered that he was, in fact, possibly crazy after all.

"Well, Phantom the Fabulous, I'd offer you a ride home but my feet are my ride. Where did you get a name like Phantom?"

"Mamma was a ghost and daddy was a spook." He appeared to be serious. "And like I said, I'm only a few blocks 315

Deviations: Submission

by Jodi Payne, Chris Owen

away, so I'm good. Thanks for supper, Noah. Tell Sir I said hi and I'll still lick his boots if he'll let me."

Noah signed the check and slid his card back into his wallet. "Will do. He'll probably call me tomorrow and ask me about it." He winked, standing and pulling on his jacket.

"Great to meet you, thank you for your candor, it's appreciated," he said and stuck out his hand.

"Not a problem," Phan said, shaking his hand. "Always nice to talk about Tobias. I miss him, you know? Take care of him."