Detour from Normal (37 page)

With negative emotions, we are doomed to battle each other forever. With negative emotions, my notion of Utopia would have been a failure before it started. So I was constantly on the lookout for a sign of someone else that had lost all negative emotions as I had. I watched the news and observed people around me. I found no one anywhere I looked. At one point I thought that perhaps Tim and Dana were like me but eventually realized that wasn't the case. There was no one else like me. I was unique, alone.
I am the only one,
I thought to myself.

It was torture to be the only one: to see all the opportunities and possibilities, to have them within reach and yet have it all be meaningless. Everyone thought I had lost it, that I was completely gone when I talked about the things I did. I hated more than anything to admit that they were right. I hated it because what I wanted was for them. I wanted them to have those wonderful opportunities. I wanted all the people of the world to have them.

So reluctantly I made the decision to let go of Utopia and things beyond it. I needed to get back to normal life: to be a good husband, father, and provider and stop dreaming of things that were impossible. Farewell, Utopia. You will always hold a special place in my heart, but the journey sadly has reached its end.
But manic visions are not so easily forgotten by the mind...

Chapter 31

CREAM

It was June 14, 2011, my last night at Gracewood. Unbelievably, shortly after the court hearing, Dr. Davis informed me that he was willing to let me go as soon I was in compliance with my medication and he was satisfied that I was medically stable. For days I'd been having a rough time. The lithium and Risperdal didn't agree with me at all. My heart frequently raced, my head ached, I was dizzy, and my mouth felt like someone had poured dry desert sand into it. My blood pressure rose, and I was hot all the time. Instead of getting better rest, I tossed and turned even more at night. Rather than feeling cured, I felt I'd been poisoned, but my blood lithium levels were fine and that was good enough for Dr. Davis. In his mind, he'd succeeded once more. So the next day, June 15, I was going home.

On top of the issues I was having with my medications, helping Matthew was taking its toll. That last night I lay there in the dark in anticipation of his call, unable to sleep. I looked over at his still body lit only by the sliver of reflected light from under the room door. He seemed dead, but I knew it was only a matter of time before he needed me once more. In between helping him, minutes seemed like hours and hours like days.

Just when I thought he wouldn't call out, he did, and I once again tracked down a nurse, and crawled back into my bed only to lay sleepless once more. Finally, it grew light. I got up, used the bathroom, quietly slipped from the room, and made my way to the main area just in time to catch the morning news.

I took a seat on the sofa by the nurses' station as I had on many mornings at Gracewood as the world was waking up. Two female patients were there as well. They were the same two who were there many times when I'd come out early. Oddly, that was the only time I ever saw them or took notice of them, so I didn't know their names. Right on cue, one of the nurses pointed the TV remote through the glass of the nurses' station, powered on the TV, and switched it to CNN. "Turn it up!" the three of us yelled in unison. The nurse pressed the volume button on the remote, and when an indicator on the screen hit twenty-four, I gave a thumbs-up, trying to save my ears from the excruciating levels I knew the two women enjoyed, but I was quickly outvoted. As soon as the nurse stopped, they both yelled, "Turn it up!" in unison. I grimaced as the indicator continued incrementing. I sighed with relief when they both finally gave a thumbs-up at thirty.
I can handle that,
I thought to myself. I sat back on the sofa and waited to hear what was new in the world.

"The relationship between the US and Pakistan is on the ropes this morning. I'm Christine Romans. The CIA informants who helped the US track down bin Laden have been arrested by a Pakistan military spy agency."

I always felt that Christine ran the show in this three-ring morning circus. She was the consummate professional, quickly reining things in whenever they got too far out of line.

Christine's dark blue pants were a departure from the short skirts she and Kiran usually wore. Pants or no, she still crossed her legs—predominantly right over left, as opposed to Kiran's left over right. I was glad I was a man and didn't have to worry about such things. I looked at Ali's knees at table level; they were a comfortable foot and a half apart.

"The showdown with the president—I'm Kiran Chetry House Speaker John Boehner is warning that the US could be breaking the law with its military operation in Libya. We're live at the White House with reaction."

"An anchorman lands an interview with the Dalai Lama. Then he decides to tell him a Dalai Lama joke. I'm Ali Velshi. The Dalai Lama didn't get the joke. We'll see if you do on this
American Morning."

"Good morning everyone, it is Wednesday, June fifteenth," announced Christine.

Christine, Ali, and Kiran then traded off stories. First Christine reported on the police use of tear gas and water cannons on demonstrators in Greece. A video clip showed the hapless protesters running amok as they were blasted with water jets and enveloped in fog from tear gas canisters. Next Ali reported on a US drone strike that killed four suspected militants (according to intelligence officials). Supporting footage showed a compound and a barely visible vehicle in a video supplied by the military that was used to confirm the strike. The video displayed a rectangular targeting box around the building and a vehicle with a bright spot at the center from the laser targeting system. Suddenly a missile streaked into the image, and the screen went white. When the camera
recovered from the flash and the smoke cleared, there was only a hole and debris where the building and vehicle had been. Though I secretly cheered for America every time I saw such a video, it was chilling how casual the media had become about showing people being killed.

The news was pretty action packed to that point. It sure beat having to listen to Weinergate for days on end. I wished Congressman Weiner would resign and put us all out of our misery.

Kiran piped up next with a report about NATO air strikes targeting Tripoli. There was no information about targets or casualties, but there was a report of NATO aircraft dropping leaflets telling Moammar's forces to leave.
Yeah, I would leave if someone dropped leaflets on me,
I thought. Seriously though, I was rooting for the citizens of Libya, even though, like most Americans, I didn't know squat about them. Things quickly took a turn for the worst after that as the anchors focused on the fact that President Obama didn't get permission from Congress to carry out the bombing of Libya. That could have been an interesting story in itself, but in this case it just gave a few politicians an opportunity for some free airtime.

In a short while, I was yawning. I needed sleep badly and, if CNN was going to deliver it, hallelujah. I curled up on the hard, gray, simulated leather sofa, rested my head on my arm, and closed my eyes.

"Ahem" That sounded like someone was clearing his throat. Tap, tap. Now he was tapping a stack of papers on the edge. I'd like to say I opened my eyes and sat up, but instead I found myself already sitting up on the sofa as before. The room was strangely quiet. There was no one there but me. I turned to look at the nurses' station, and it was empty. The entire place seemed deserted. It was devoid of any living sound. Even the two female patients were nowhere to be seen. For some reason
this seemed perfectly acceptable to me. I turned to the television, and Christine, Ali, and Kiran were still there. It seemed they were caught at the tail end of a break and didn't yet realize they were again live.

"Hello and welcome back to this
American Morning
with Ali Velshi, Kiran Chetry, and myself, Christine Roman. In technology news today, we are excited to introduce a new software product called 'Cream' from Web Immersion Technologies. Here to discuss this exciting product is our special guest, the founder and president of Web Immersion Technologies, Mr. Tucker Hartford. Welcome, Mr. Hartford."

"Thank you. It's great to be here, Christine."

"Mr. Hartford," Kiran injected, "I understand that you have both a BS and an MS degree from Stanford."

"Yes, I have a BS in computer science and an MS in artificial intelligence," Tucker replied.

"Your location near Silicon Valley couldn't be better," said Christine.

"As a matter of fact, many business partners and several colleagues in the area are acquaintances from my school days. Being near Silicon Valley, and Apple in particular, has been extremely beneficial. Apple has been involved almost from the start and has supplied iPads and technical support for beta testing. Many companies in the area have provided input during product development."

Ali spoke next. "So, Mr. Hartford, can you tell us a little about Cream?"

"I'd be glad to. Cream is an artificial intelligence-powered web servant developed to ensure that everyone will have the best imaginable experience possible on the Internet."

Christine asked the next question. "Mr. Hartford, I didn't think artificial intelligence had been invented yet. Are you the first to develop it?"

"My apologies, it's more of a specialized intelligence, nowhere near self-aware, and is nothing anyone should fear. It is dedicated to one purpose: to serve better. It is pivotal to the future success of Cream."

"Excuse me, Mr. Hartford, but how did you arrive at the name 'Cream'? Is it an acronym?" asked Ali.

"Not at all, it pertains to cream being the best part, the part that rises to the top. When cream rises in milk, it doesn't do it instantaneously; it has to work over time. Cream works that way with the Internet: by allowing the cream of the Internet—the best of the Internet, if you will—to rise to the top."

"I understand the rising to the top part," said Ali as he nodded his head, "but what exactly is Cream?"

"Cream is software that you download for free to your computer. You install it just as you would any other software, then simply click on the Cream icon to open a 'Cream portal.'"

"A what? What's that?" asked Kiran.

"The Cream portal is the gateway to the Cream web."

"This is starting to sound a little too creamy," said Kiran. Everyone laughed.

"Bear with me; it's a good cream, I assure you," said Tucker as the laughter subsided. "Seriously though, the name grows on you. I guarantee that when you use Cream, you'll be thinking of that cream rising in the gosh-awful Internet we have now. That's the point, to motivate the Internet to get better."

"So how does it do that, or should I keep my mouth shut?" asked Christine.

"Do you really want us to answer that?" asked Ali, chuckling.

"OK, OK, go ahead, Mr. Hartford. Sorry for the interruption," said Christine.

"All right, getting back to the point where you've loaded the software and you execute it for the first time. You'll notice immediately that the interface is simple and clean, reminiscent of web browsers you use every day: Windows Explorer, Firefox, or Google, for example. The beauty of the Cream portal is that, from the beginning, it continually improves, becoming friendlier and smarter with use. Even better, it adapts to your specific likes and needs. Eventually, it will be the best and, dare I say, most perfect web interface that you've ever used."

"Is that all Cream does?" asked Ali.

"No, that's a part of the experience, but it's only the beginning. The real work is done by the Cream web, the heart of the dedicated intelligence. There, powerful servers continuously fend off the harsh realities of the real Internet to ensure Cream users have a friendly, positive experience."

"Like pop-ups, spam, and viruses?" asked Kiran.

"Yes, and even more. Are you familiar with eBay and Amazon?" asked Tucker.

"Sure," all three answered in unison. "That was weird," said Kiran, laughing.

"Well, eBay created a safe environment for buyers and sellers by implementing a ranking system. By treating each other with honesty and respect, users improved their rankings. Amazon did something similar by using product ratings to ensure a good buyer experience. Those companies proved that when people are rewarded for good behavior and honesty, bad behavior and deception fade from the picture. The whole environment continually improves."