Determinant -Guardians of Vesturon [3] (5 page)

My job at the bookstore, on the other hand, wasn’t so great. It was exhausting work hoisting and unpacking the heavy boxes and stocking the shelves. The manager, Karl, was okay I guess, but he wasn’t Lou. I suffered through it though because I was jonesing for that textbook discount along with the extra cash.

“January, you’re going to have to hustle a bit more. Tomorrow things are going to pick up and everyday will get busier and busier,” Karl said.

“I’m working as hard as I can Karl. I can’t lift the heavy boxes as easy as the guys can,” I retorted. He expected me to have super strength. I was half the size as some of the others. “Maybe I could do a different job.”

“No, I need you here, doing this. Textbooks are heavy. You knew this when you accepted the job.”

“Yes, sir. I’ll do my best,” I mumbled.

“See that you do.”

Between the two jobs, I barely had time for anything but sleep. For two weeks, every night I crawled between the sheets and crashed. My sleep was anything but refreshing. I awakened each morning feeling every bit as weary as I did when I went to sleep. I attributed it to my mounting uncertainty on whether I could pull off going to school full time and working two jobs.

The day arrived when I could move into my dorm. I packed up my meager belongings and drove to my next residence. I felt like a vagabond due to four moves in the space of three months. It was a good thing I didn’t own much. That was my way of keeping the glass half full.

I was the first of my suite mates to tackle this event. I’d be rooming with Carlson Kittredge from the Raleigh, North Carolina area. My other two suite mates were Madeline (or Maddie as she preferred to be called) Pearce, whom I knew from high school, and Catherine (Cat) Newman from Asheville. I rapidly moved my few belongings in, made up my bed with the set of sheets and comforter the Campbell’s had given me as a going away gift, and headed to the bookstore for my shift. Things were heating up there as more and more students arrived for the semester.

I was starving and exhausted by the end of my shift, but I made my way to the Purple Onion to work. My mouth watered as I thought about what I would soon be eating. My shift didn’t end until midnight and by the time I returned to my dorm, everyone was asleep.

The next day, Sunday, was pretty weird. Everyone was gearing up to start class on Monday but I was so busy with work, I didn’t even think about checking out where my classes were. I was carrying a tough load: Biology, Chemistry, Physics, Calculus and English. Everyone else was excited about parties and meeting boys, but I was worried about whether I could manage it all. My anxiety was obvious by my ragged nails and chewed up lower lip.

“Did you check out where your classes are January?” Cat asked me that evening. “Maddie and I did but I am still so nervous about getting lost and being late. I know I won’t sleep a wink tonight.”

“Same here,” Maddie agreed. “I wish I had at least my first class with one of you.”

Carlson piped in, “What are y’all so worried about? Just ask a cute boy where you should go if you get lost. That always works for me!” Sweet as she seemed to be, evidently Carlson didn’t have a clue. Maddie must have been thinking along the same lines because I glanced her way and caught her eyes rolling. I chuckled.

I shook my head saying, “I didn’t have a chance today. By the time I got off work, it was dark.”

“You work too much girl,” Carlson said.

“I have to. It’s my only means of support,” I confessed as I dropped my eyes to the floor. I started wringing my hands as this was headed to an area in which I had no desire to venture.

Even though I tried my best to ignore my ability to hear thoughts most of the time, I knew it would be asked and I just
knew
the question would come from Carlson. “What about your parents? Isn’t that what parents are for anyway?”

Bless Maddie! She darted her eyes my way, but then answered Carlson before I even had a chance.

“Carlson, not everyone is lucky to have parents with unlimited amounts of cash to dole out to their kids. Everyone has their own situation. Please think about that before you throw out comments like you just made.”

I felt the corners of my mouth turn up.

“Gracious me, I didn’t mean to offend anyone. I’m so sorry!” Carlson exclaimed.

Like I said, she really didn’t have a clue.

“Well, I’m just saying,” Maddie concluded.

I looked at Maddie, smiled and mouthed a “Thank you” at her. She nodded.

“I’m sorry January. I meant no harm,” Carlson added.

“No problem Carlson. Don’t worry about it. Some of us are luckier than others so do me a favor and thank your parents. You’re one of the lucky ones,” I replied.

That night I fell asleep thinking about Tommy and Sarah, wondering if they were missing me as much as I missed them. My stomach clenched every time I thought of how their sweet faces looked when last I saw them. I reminded myself to write them a letter the next day.

*****

The first semester sped by and Thanksgiving was the following week. Seth and Lynn begged me to join them in Spartanburg, but I declined their kind invitation. Even though we spoke frequently, and I missed seeing them, I had no desire to return there. My memories of it did nothing but bring me down, making it a depressing thought altogether.

I loaded up my work hours again. Lou couldn’t have been happier because the Purple Onion was open on Thanksgiving and everyone was vying for the day off. I said I would work as long as he needed me so some of the others could spend time with their families. All my roommates would be gone so I didn’t mind doing it. Besides, those extra greenbacks would come in handy.

Maddie was going to Cat’s for the holiday and Carlson was heading home to Raleigh. I had applied for permission to remain at school so I was the only one in our suite. While it was a bit disconcerting, it didn’t bother me much. On a whim, I decided to try to call my parents (as I still thought of them) hoping, but not expecting, to speak with Tommy and Sarah.

I punched in the numbers on my cell phone before I lost the nerve.
Please let Tommy answer the phone. Please, please, please…

“Hello.”

Oh no, it was my mom!

“Hi! It’s me, January. Happy Thanksgiving.” My voice shook.

“What do you want?” Her tone indicated this wouldn’t go far.

“I was hoping to speak with Tommy and Sarah.
Please
Mom, let me speak with them. I won’t say anything bad, I promise. I just want to hear…”

“I TOLD you not to EVER come around here again. I meant it. And that goes for phone calls too. Don’t EVER bother us again!” The phone slammed in my ear.

Her mean spirited words left me shaken and rattled, not to mention how they had thoroughly spoiled my Thanksgiving. What I wouldn’t give to hear Tommy and Sarah’s voices. The gnawing ache in my belly reared its angry head again.

I had avoided thinking this way, but I finally had to admit to myself that phase two wasn’t working out quite the way I’d envisioned. I never had time for anything fun because I was working, going to class or studying. In frustration, I threw my cell phone across the room.

Maddie and Cat were great. They both tried to get me to open up, but honestly, I simply didn’t feel like discussing it with them, or anyone else for that matter. It humiliated and embarrassed me to even admit to myself the horrid circumstances of my birth. I was sort of close to both of them, but definitely not that close. I wanted this secret buried and buried deep so it would never resurface.

“January, I’m worried about you and your schedule. You’re burning the candle at both ends and I’m afraid you’re going to burn out soon,” Maddie commented one day. Her concern was genuinely written all over her face.

“I’ll be fine Maddie. I appreciate your concern but honestly…”

She placed her arm on mine and halted my words, “Do you want to talk about it? I know something’s wrong and I may not be able to help, but I’m a good listener.”

I felt guilty not giving her what she wanted, but I couldn’t bear to open up that topic. I just couldn’t do it. I hung my head because I dared not look into her eyes. Tears were close to escaping and if that dam broke, no telling when the flood would end.

I cleared my throat and finally eked out, “Thanks Maddie. Your concern’s touching, and I do appreciate you…I really do. But I’ll be fine.” I had reined in my emotions so I was able to look her in the eye. Her pity was palpable. I had to get away from her…and fast or I would lose it. I turned and quickly walked away.

Maddie had dealt with issues of her own, losing both of her parents by the time she was eighteen. Cat, on the other hand, grew up in a houseful of rambunctious kids—four to be exact, with Cat being the second oldest. Her home life might have been warm and loving, but her family’s financial situation wasn’t the best. I didn’t know the specifics, but I knew it was bad enough that she might have to move home to Asheville. I know either of them would have been great sounding boards for me, and perhaps it may have eased my anxiety a bit, but I simply couldn’t bring myself to speak of my situation with them.

The one thing I did talk to them about was how fiercely I missed my little brother and sister. I craved their company…yearned to hear their sweet voices and hold their warm little bodies in my arms. Not being able to at least talk with them made my belly fist up in knots every time I thought of it. I often wrote them sweet little notes, but I was positive my mother didn’t pass them along. I swore to myself that someday, I would find a way to talk with them and they would learn the truth from me.

Christmas was fast approaching and finals were consuming my every spare moment. I wasn’t sleeping much and couldn’t wait to get my exams behind me. It seemed that’s how I spent the entire semester…hoping time would fly and move me to the next stage.

My grades were finally posted online and I was not pleased with my results. I made a 3.2, which was okay, but not nearly high enough for my standards. I should have expected as much with the hours I was working. I was averaging three to four hours of sleep per night. At this rate, I wouldn’t make it to forty. College wasn’t turning out to be the great experience I had prayed it would be.
Way to go January!

Everyone left and I found myself back in the little efficiency motel for the holidays. The university closed the dorms for the three-week period.

Maddie called me the day after I received my grades.

“How did you make out with your grades January?”

“I ended up with a 3.2,” I said sullenly.

“That’s awesome!” Maddie exclaimed.

“Not really. If I want to get into med school, I need at least a 3.8 or better.”

“January, you’re so smart, you’ll get those grades up. I know you will. I can’t believe you did that well, with all the hours you work. I don’t know how you did it.”

“Thanks Maddie. It wasn’t easy. I will say that,” I said earnestly.

“That’s an understatement. Well, I’m getting my stuff ready for my backpacking trip. I’m up on the trail for Christmas and then I’m going to drive down to the Keys for some fun in the sun!” her voice radiated excitement.

“I’m so jealous. Soak in some rays for me, will you?”

“You bet!”

“Hey, be careful up there. Don’t forget to take that bear pepper spray stuff you talk about!”

Maddie started chuckling. “Don’t worry, I won’t! I’ll see you in January, January!”

“Ha ha! Very funny!”

*****

As I drove to work one day, I marveled at the view. Initially, I had dreaded this drive, thinking I would hate the time in the car every day. I couldn’t have been more mistaken. The drive between Cullowhee and Waynesville was magnificent. The constant changing hues of the sky, coupled with the glorious peaks of the Smoky Mountains were a sight to behold. Cat and Maddie bragged about it all the time, saying how unmatched the splendor of the mountains was. They frequently hiked and backpacked in the national park, and examining the views as I drove, gave me a better understanding of why they loved it so much.

I was getting extra hours again at the Purple Onion and I was having a grand time. Since I didn’t have classes or exams to worry about, I was truly enjoying my burden-free vacation and the gorgeous drive to work made it feel special.

“January, what are you doing for Christmas?” Lou asked me a few days before the Holidays.

“I was planning on working,” I replied as I carried a load of plates into the kitchen.

“No, that’s not what I meant. I meant for Christmas dinner. We close at five that day and I was wondering what you were doing afterward.”

“Oh.” I hadn’t bothered to give it much thought. Truthfully, I had avoided thinking about it altogether. What I wanted more than anything was to see the joy on Tommy and Sarah’s faces when they came downstairs to see what Santa left for them.

“Um, nothing I guess,” I mumbled. I had a feeling where this was heading.

“Well, the wife and I want you to come to our place. It won’t be fancy or anything, and it’s just the two of us, but you know the food will be good.”

“Oh, Lou, that’s awfully kind of you but…”

“No buts January. You already said you weren’t doing anything and we’ll have more than enough food. You know Diane...she’ll have enough for an army,” he insisted.

“Thank you, but…”

“I told you January, no buts. You’re not going to make excuses to get out of this one. It’s settled. You’re coming home with me right after we close here. And if you want, you can spend the night. We have plenty of room and that way you won’t have to drive home.” He was not going to take no for an answer.

“Are you sure?” I asked hesitantly. I didn’t want to burden them.

“I wouldn’t have asked you in the first place if I didn’t want you to come. Now quit jabbering and get back to work,” he said with a wink.

I wish Lou and Diane were my parents. They fussed over me that night and I’d never felt anything like it before, except maybe for my short stay with Seth and Lynn. That gnawing ache in my belly had lifted and I ate more than I had in a long time. Maddie always mentioned the “warm fuzzies” and I think I finally got what she meant by that.