Determinant -Guardians of Vesturon [3] (3 page)

“Come on January. How did you not figure all this out? You’re so perceptive. You have to know I am not your biological father. Lucky for you, your mother decided to give birth to you instead of having an abortion. You see, your very existence is the result of a rape.” Again, he gave me that smug smile.

His words, uttered with sheer joy, sucked the air from my lungs. I dropped to my knees in shock.
This can’t be true.
The fact that my mother was raped and I was the product of that nasty deed wasn’t the worst thing I was experiencing. It was the fact that the man before me, the man, who for sixteen years I thought was my father, was enjoying delivering this horrific news to me. His sadistic enjoyment of my pain was the very thing that was crushing my heart.
How can he act this way?

His thoughts assaulted my mind. I had always been able to pick up bits and pieces of things others were thinking, but now it was as if an information highway had been opened between us and I could hear everything in his head. It scared me because his thoughts were so vile and filled with absolute hatred.
What have I done to him to make him hate me so?
But wait…how could I be
hearing his thoughts so clearly?
I shook with fear. I had experienced this from time to time, but
never
like this. It was so…
explicit!

I fell back on my bottom and dropped my head into my hands.
I have to get out of here!
It was imperative that I put some distance between this man and me. His thoughts were so nasty and vicious they were making me tremble.

I slowly stood, still dizzy from his words and stumbled to the garage. My paltry belongings were strewn across the floor, making it obvious to me he hadn’t cared if he had broken anything in the process. One by one, I placed everything into my car. It was pitiful that everything I owned fit into the trunk and back seat of a Toyota Corolla.

The car cranked on and I backed out of the driveway and away from the only home I had ever known. I made it as far as the parking space of a nearby church. My tears were blurring my vision, making it impossible for me to drive.

I dropped my head to the steering wheel and cried.
Where can I go?
What will I do?
I had to work in the morning. Could I stay here and sleep in my car? What would I do for a shower? I didn’t have many close friends. My parents always discouraged any of my friendships and the few times I had spent the night out, I was never asked back. I’m positive now it was because I never reciprocated. I was never allowed to.

This sheer helplessness was overwhelming. As I sat there, I began to think about my ability to hear my father’s thoughts. It was frightening because I had literally been reading his mind. Was it because he hated me so? Was it a temporary thing? Or would it plague me forever?
What is wrong with me?
I was a freak…I had always felt I was different but now I knew for sure. Maybe that’s why they hated me so much. Maybe they had known about this aberration all along…maybe that’s why they had deposited me in the attic, segregating me from little Tommy and Sarah. They didn’t want me to infect them with whatever it was that possessed me. Maybe I
was
possessed…maybe the devil had invaded me. I didn’t feel evil. It was all so confusing. My head was throbbing.

I must have slipped into a light sleep because I awakened to someone tapping on my window. Whoever it was had one of those LED flashlights and he was shining it in my eyes, blinding me. My spirits briefly rose when I thought that perhaps it was my dad, coming to take me home.

I shifted my head so the beam from the light would not be directly in my eyes and realized there was a police officer standing next to my car.

“Miss, roll your window down please,” he ordered.

I immediately complied. “Yes, officer.”

The police always made me nervous and on top of my earlier episode, I found myself trembling. My heart was hammering in my chest, threatening to explode. I dragged my fisted hands across my eyes and face in a futile attempt to wipe away the mascara that I was sure had streaked down my cheeks.

“Miss, what are you doing here?”

“Um, nothing sir. I was just sitting.”

“May I see your driver’s license and registration?”

I fumbled around a bit before my hands landed on the required items.

“According to this, you live right around the corner from here. Is there any reason in particular why you’re parked here?”

“No officer.”

“I’m going to have to ask you to step out of the car.”

I did as he asked.

“Miss, have you been drinking?”

“No sir. I don’t drink.” I dropped my head and stared at my twisting fingers.

“Hmm.” He cocked his head to the side, inspecting me. I was assaulted by his thoughts and I immediately responded by taking a step back.

“She doesn’t seem to be intoxicated but it is graduation night and there’s been a lot of drinking going on. Why else would she be parked two blocks from her house? She must be afraid to go home.”

Without thinking, I responded, “Sir, I swear to you I’ve not been drinking. I don’t drink… I promise. I’m a good girl. I really am.” The stress of the entire evening, along with his presence overwhelmed me and I suddenly found myself sobbing.

“I think it’s best if you allow me to drive you home.”

“No…no, please. Officer, I promise I’ll go straight home. Please don’t drive me there.” I couldn’t bear the thought of the humiliation of having to tell him the truth.

“Miss, you’ve just turned sixteen. That’s much too young to be sitting out here alone at this hour. It isn’t safe for you to be out here like this. Now tell me the truth. Why are you here?”

After I could control myself enough to speak I decided to tell him the whole ugly story. There was no reason to belabor this any longer, as he was not going to leave me sitting there. I had nowhere to go. I felt like he had left me with no other choice.

“I can’t go home because my father—well he isn’t my father but I didn’t find that out until tonight—he’s kicked me out of the house.”

“Why? What did you do?”

I bristled with anger as I wiped the tears from my face. “I didn’t do anything except be the unfortunate offspring of my mother’s rape.” The more I thought about this, the more it angered me.

“Excuse me?”

“Yep, you heard correctly. My so-called father informed me tonight that my mother was raped and I happened to be the result of that. And then he kicked me out of the house. He said his obligation to me was over now that I had graduated from high school. Honestly, I believe he enjoyed saying those things to me.”

“Miss, are you sure you’re not making this up?” His cynical tone indicated his disbelief.

I sighed as I dropped my head and stared at the pavement. How embarrassing to have to tell some stranger that your family doesn’t want you to live with them anymore. To make matters worse, that stranger now thought I was making it all up. I drew in a quivering breath.

“No, I swear officer. I wish I were though. I came home from my graduation tonight. I’d searched for my family after the commencement but couldn’t find them.” I paused because I flashed back to earlier in the day. Initially, I didn’t even realize I had started speaking aloud. “When I woke up this morning, I thought this would be the greatest day of my life. My whole life…” I had to pause and swallow the gigantic lump that had lodged in my throat. “My whole life was spent trying to get my father to notice me…to get him to say one word of encouragement…have him tell me he was proud of me…anything. I never heard him utter anything positive to me. So today when I woke up I thought that this would be it. I was graduating today and giving the valedictory speech. They never even showed up. My mom didn’t even come. She took my little brother and sister to Carowinds to spend the night there. I’m only sixteen, I graduated two years early and I was the valedictorian. And they didn’t even come to my graduation.”

I was silent for a few moments, trying to regain my composure as my lower lip quivered. Then I lifted my eyes and asked, “Why in the world would anyone do that to her child?” It was a rhetorical question, but he answered me anyway.

“Miss, I don’t have an answer for you.” Then he did the oddest thing. He opened his arms to me but I backed away. Never in my entire life had anyone done that. My mother never held me…not to comfort me when I was scared or sick or even to show love. My father certainly never did. I was so unused to affection that I didn’t quite know how to respond.

“I’m sorry Miss; I didn’t mean to offend you.” He sort of shuffled his feet. I realized my reaction had made him uncomfortable.

“It’s okay…I’ve never…I mean, well never mind and you didn’t offend me,” I sniffled. I looked at him for the first time—I mean really looked at him. He had sandy brown hair and a kind face with soft hazel eyes. He was tall, maybe six feet or so and a bit on the heavy side. My guess would be that he was in his mid-thirties.

“Where will you go tonight?”

“I was planning on staying here in the parking lot until you blew my plans.” I made a poor attempt at giving him a lopsided grin. For some reason I felt really sad that I had made him feel awkward when he was only trying to comfort me.

“Look, let me make a quick phone call.” Before I could respond he was on his cell phone and seconds later he was speaking with someone. When he ended the conversation, he turned to me and said, “Follow me in your car. You’re going to stay with my wife and me tonight. I know it sounds weird and all, but I wouldn’t feel right leaving you out here by yourself.”

“Oh, I don’t think…oh no sir, I can’t do that. I don’t even know you or your wife. Please sir, can you just pretend you never came here…that you never saw me here? Please?” I was most uncomfortable with this. I prayed he would just leave me be.

“Look Ms. St. Davis…”

I interrupted him, “It’s January…please call me January.”

“Okay then, January. Look, if I leave you out here I’m going to feel miserable. But, that’s nothing compared to what I’ll feel when I go home and you’re not with me. My wife would kill me and you don’t know what it’s like being around her when she’s mad at me.” He gave me a wink then and I couldn’t help but give him a watery smile.

“That’s awfully kind of you sir, but I don’t even know your name. I’m not comfortable with any of this.”

“Well, I’m Seth and my wife is Lynn…Campbell. And if you don’t follow me, I’ll just have to handcuff you and drive you over in my cruiser here,” he said with another playful wink.

He made it impossible for me to refuse so I followed him for a couple of miles until we pulled into a driveway in a neighborhood that I wasn’t familiar with. The light over the porch was on and the door opened to a slightly heavy woman in a bathrobe. She had long brown hair and huge brown eyes. Her friendly smile eased my trepidation about staying with these strangers.

“Hi,” I said sheepishly.

“Come in, come in,” she said. We made our introductions and Seth left to go back out on patrol. He wouldn’t be finished until 2 am. Lynn and I sat at their kitchen table for another two hours while she held my hand (a first for me) and I poured out my heart to her. Then she led me to a small bedroom and I crawled into bed and promptly fell asleep.

When I awakened I was disoriented.
Where in the world am I?
At first I didn’t recognize anything until it all came crashing down on me. I couldn’t breathe and my heart started hammering in my chest. My throat felt like it was closing up on me. I struggled for air but the room seemed devoid of any. I stumbled out of bed, banging into things and somehow made it to the hallway before Seth intercepted me.

“What is it January?”

“Can’t breathe…” I strained to get the words out.

He took a long look at me and said, “You’re having an anxiety attack. Come.”

He grabbed my arm and tugged me into the kitchen. He quickly opened a drawer and pulled out a paper bag. In the meantime, I felt my vision darkening and pins and needles were piercing my skin everywhere. He pushed me into a chair and held the bag over my mouth. I looked up at him and he said, “Slowly take some deep breaths. You’re hyperventilating and this will calm you down.”

I began to breathe in slowly and at first it didn’t work. I started to panic again as I felt myself suffocating.

“January, I promise you’re going to be fine. Just keep taking long slow breaths.”

Seth continued to encourage and coach me and eventually, I began to feel the panic subside. My breathing eased and I was finally feeling some relief. I continued to hold the paper bag and lifted my eyes to his. He nodded and took the bag away.

“Better?” he asked.

I nodded, afraid to even speak yet. I sat there and then I took another deep breath and asked, “What was that?” I started to shake and I could feel my cheeks burn with embarrassment.

“You just had an acute anxiety attack. Don’t be alarmed though, you’re totally fine.”

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know what was happening,” I said.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about. I’m surprised this didn’t happen sooner, with what you’ve been through and all.”

“I’m so embarrassed. I feel terrible for putting you and Lynn out like I have. I think I need to be going.” I struggled to stand but felt the room start to sway.

The next thing I knew, I was laying on the couch with a cold cloth on my head.

“Are you back with us?” Lynn asked.

I nodded.

“January, when was the last time you ate anything?”

I couldn’t remember.

“Did you eat anything yesterday?”

I thought for a moment and realized I hadn’t. I had been so busy during the day and I was expecting to eat after the graduation ceremony. A pained expression must have come over me because Lynn quickly said, “Honey don’t you worry about it. I’m just going to whip us up a big Saturday morning breakfast.”