Destiny (Waiting for Forever) (31 page)

“No, Brian. Nothing is okay,” I growled at him, and my heart broke a little when he flinched back a step. “Now go back to your real friends and leave me the hell alone.” I wanted to tell him it was killing me to see him with those other guys, that I wished it were me he was laughing and joking with, that it was my arms around him. That would make it hurt worse, and I couldn’t hurt any worse or I’d break.

“You are my real friend,” he said, and his voice was smaller. It reminded me of the day I told him I loved him for the first time. He’d seemed so small as he sat on his bed, devastated after he saw me kissing that girl. Just like that day, I could see it clearly in his face: he thought I didn’t love him anymore. The pain in his expression cut through me like a hot blade.

“Fine, if you won’t leave, then I will,” I said and strode to the door, not daring to hesitate. If I paused, even for a moment, I would pull him into my arms and beg him to forgive me. Bringing up an image of Steven’s rage-filled face gave me the strength to walk out and not turn back. I’d give my life to save Brian from Steven’s anger, but I was trying desperately not to let it come to that.

Not stopping as I bounded down the stairs, I passed Mike, who was on his way up, no doubt to check on Brian. He looked angry and sped up, starting to take the stairs two at a time. Damn it, I wished I could just get him to understand, get them
all
to understand that Brian was far better off without me in his life.

The sun hurt my eyes as I walked back outside to find Alex sitting next to the pool naked. With one foot dangling in the water, he reclined back, propped up on one elbow. The other foot rested on the side of the pool while he slowly stroked himself, fluffing for another shoot.

“Nick asked about you,” he said quietly as I approached. “I told him you went to the bathroom.”

“Thanks. I just needed a minute,” I replied and started to strip. When I had first started doing these shoots, I had felt incredibly self-conscious about being naked outside in front of all the guys. It still bothered me, just like our stripping appearances did, but over the last few months it had become easier to separate myself from it.

“I saw him follow you in. Did you talk?” Alex whispered as I sat down next to him on the side of the pool. Sighing, I shook my head.

“It’s not that easy. You know what Steven is like. There’s no reason to lead Brian on. He should get on with his life and forget about me.” I stared morosely into the depths of the pool and waited for Alex’s response, but he didn’t say anything. I glanced up and saw that he was staring over my shoulder. Turning, I saw that Mike was stalking toward us, and he looked furious. I didn’t see Brian.

I felt more than naked as he reached us and knelt next to me fully clothed. I felt inhuman, like a pet at his master’s feet. His hands opened and closed convulsively, like nothing in the world would please him more than punching me in the face.

“Why are you doing this to him? Why don’t you just cut his heart out instead? It would be faster than slowly torturing him,” Mike said in a quiet but deadly voice. I couldn’t believe he thought I would hurt Brian for some perverse pleasure.

“It doesn’t have anything to do with you,” I replied, trying to stay calm. If things got out of control, I couldn’t afford to lose my place with the studio. I worked for a couple of other studios when they called, but the work for Hartley was steady, and it kept Steven happy.

“The hell it doesn’t. He’s my friend, and you’re screwing him over!” A few people looked over to see who Mike had growled at. Alex started to stand, but I put my hand up to stop him. It didn’t need to turn into a pissing match.

“I’m not screwing him over. If he doesn’t get on with his life and forget about me, he could get hurt, and I don’t mean his feelings. Steven O’Dell has put me in the hospital, and he says he loves me. What do you think he’d do to a guy who wanted to take me away?” I asked him quietly. No one needed to know about my former relationship with Brian. Things would be simpler for both of us if it stayed a secret.

“He’s hurting so much. Brian thinks you don’t love him anymore because he’s doing porn, that he makes you sick. It’s tearing him up. He’s not sleeping, and he drinks but barely eats. You’re going to save him right into being an alcoholic,” Mike said and then stood up. “Give him something, anything, or it’s going to kill him.” He walked away without another word, passing Nick and Julio who were coming over to take pictures. Alex handed me a bottle of water, and I drank deeply, trying to get rid of the sick feeling in my stomach.

It turned out to be a very long afternoon.

B
RIAN
was another addiction. As hard as I tried to stop myself, I went back to the library the very next Monday and went straight for the computers. Little bits and pieces of Brian sat waiting for me in my inbox, and I wanted to savor them all. I’d spent the entire week going over that first e-mail in my mind. I remembered Father Matt. He had fed me and let me sleep on the floor even though the shelter was full. If those guys hadn’t tried to roll me, I might have stayed there a few days. I might have accepted his help to get on my feet. But I was small and scared and a couple of guys decided they wanted what little I had for themselves, so I ran.

I waited impatiently for the web page for my e-mail service to load, entered my username and password, and reordered my mass of e-mail to find the only name I wanted to see. The original e-mails were there, as well as a new one. Since I’d already done the laundry and started dinner in the Crock-Pot, I had all afternoon to sit and read, so I clicked the first e-mail, which was dated about a week after he would have gotten to San Diego.

Jamie,

I love you. It’s been killing me that I didn’t tell you that before you left, so I want to start with that. What your parents did shocked me so badly that I couldn’t really function. I know that sounds lame, but it’s the only thing that makes sense to me.

I haven’t e-mailed you before now because I didn’t know if you wanted to hear from me. Over the last year, I didn’t get a phone call or an e-mail, not even a postcard. I thought that maybe it was because I didn’t tell you that I loved you. But after I saw what the Sunshine Center was, I can understand that. If you’ve left that place and can find a way to get there, I’m staying at the Roadview Inn here in San Diego until I can find a place of my own.

No matter what happens, I won’t give up until I find you.

I love you more than anything,

Brian

I didn’t understand how he could think I wouldn’t want to hear from him. Of course, it wouldn’t have mattered if he’d sent the e-mails or not because I hadn’t had access to a computer while at the center, but I always wanted Brian. Those first few weeks in that place, I had thought I’d lose my mind. Brian had been a constant in my life for so long, and then I had nothing. My boyfriend, my best friend, even my parents had been taken systematically from me. I’d have given anything for Brian’s comfort.

Going back to the e-mails, I clicked the next one. The date on the e-mail was the beginning of September.

Jamie,

I found a place in Hillcrest. God, it will be so perfect, it’s a boardinghouse full of guys like us. We can be safe here, happy, and start our lives. The guys here are so nice, it’s like a little family. That’s what Mike said when he offered to drive me out to the Sunshine Center to see if you were there. We’re a family and we help each other.

A kid at the center told us about the delivery driver, and we found the guy. He told us where he dropped you off and we’re looking for you. I can’t stand the thought that you’re alone and scared. Please read your e-mail, we’ll come and get you wherever you are. I’ll take care of you, Jamie.

I love you so much,

Brian

God, if only I’d have checked my e-mails when I had ended up on the streets. My life would have been very different. I never expected Brian to get on a bus and chase after me, especially since he was always so unconvinced of my love for him. The next short note had no greeting, no signature, and it made me hurt for Brian just to read it.

Leo got a call today about a homeless man who had been murdered. I got so scared because I thought it might be you.

Where are you?

This is killing me.

The next e-mail was even shorter, like he just couldn’t bear to keep writing when no one on the other end was listening.

Hi Jamie,

Happy birthday, baby.

I miss you.

Gone were the promises to find me and talk of how wonderful our life would be together. He seemed to have given up and lost hope. I clicked on the last old e-mail, and my heart broke.

I’m cold and naked, shivering in the dark without the warmth and light of your love. I will keep searching for you and I will never stop loving you, ever. For the last year and a half it felt like my whole life was stolen from me. I feel empty and hollow without you.

Mike and Leo keep telling me that I need to live, but what do I really have to live for without you? I know they want me to kick back and have fun. I even went out to a club with them a few weeks ago. It feels like everything has changed.

I just can’t find a way to let you go.

I glanced around the computer room at the library to see that I was alone and then wiped my eyes. I loved him so much, and it hurt to read the pain in his words. More than anything, I wished I could go to him and tell him that I loved him and that everything would be okay. Only, I knew it wouldn’t. He might think he could save me, but he was wrong, and I refused to let him suffer for it.

I opened the last e-mail, the one sent in the last week.

Jamie,

I know you probably don’t want to hear from me right now, but I need to give you something. If you won’t accept help from me, please call the gay and lesbian center in Hillcrest and ask for Leo. I’ve told him about your situation, and he can help you.

I love you,

Brian

He had listed phone numbers for Leo and the gay and lesbian center, e-mail addresses and physical addresses, all in the hope I would find some balls and use them. I refused to let the hope kindle, because I knew I’d never use them. If I ran and Steven found me, he’d kill me. God, I hated being scared all the time, but Steven was right. I didn’t have a way out.

With a heavy heart, I began systematically cleaning out my inbox, starting with Brian’s e-mails.

N
EXT
to screwing guys on camera, stripping was one of my least favorite things in the world. Random, faceless strangers shoved money into my tiny jock with little regard for the pain it caused me. I’d gotten scratches, cuts, and even bruises from their overzealous tipping. What I hated most was knowing that, to them, I wasn’t human. I was just someone they wanted to nail. They didn’t know anything about Jamie; they only knew that Dylan was a hot bottom.

Steven had dropped me off about half an hour early at Big Boy’s, a seedy club where a lot of the guys made extra money dancing for the crowd. We were there for a Hartley-sponsored party, and Nick wanted us to do one song each. I didn’t know when it would be my turn, so Steven said he’d be back to pick me up after he “conducted a little business.” I knew better than to hope he got arrested because then he’d just be pissed when he got out. He’d been arrested once before, and they didn’t even keep him twenty-four hours. Our justice system was screwed up.

I stood backstage waiting for someone to take control of the mob of dancers milling around behind the curtain. The bare whitewashed brick set the backdrop for the offstage area, which was littered with discarded clothing, props, drink glasses, and other general debris. Alex found me near the back trying to hide behind a blood-red curtain. It was more than not wanting to deal with the drunken jerks trying to feel me up; I just didn’t want to be there. Brian stood off to my left with Mike and Emilio, and they looked over at me from time to time as they talked quietly. A few of the other guys kept looking at me too. I felt as if I stood in a spotlight, and I hadn’t even been on stage yet.

“Okay, listen up!” Julio called, and the murmuring and laughing slowly died down. “There are a dozen guys here tonight, so you’re going to need to pay attention to make things go smoothly. Come over here and see what order you’re going to go on. Write down what song you want to dance to. Remember who’s up in front of you and don’t leave the club until you’re finished. Got it?” A few of the guys nodded, while others muttered their agreement.

“I’ll go; you just stay here. I know what song you want,” Alex said and put a hand on my shoulder. He’d been tiptoeing around me for days since the photo shoot, trying to do what he could to make me happy. I appreciated the thought, but nothing would make me happy, nothing but Brian. Alex’s small frame made it easy for him to slip in between guys and get in line to see the list. I glanced over at Brian again and felt a stab of annoyance. Mike was standing against the wall with Brian nestling in his arms. They looked so comfortable with each other, so intimate that it was almost like they belonged together. Of course, I had no right to be upset, but it hurt nonetheless.