Destiny (Waiting for Forever) (30 page)

“B
ABE
,”
Steven said quietly from next to me, causing me to jump. I looked at him, trying to shake off the fear and the horror I had felt watching the life leave George’s eyes that night. It had been months, but I still had nightmares about him.

“Sorry, Steven, I was just thinking… about my parents,” I lied, and he put his arms around my waist, pulling me back against his chest.

“I’ll take care of you, baby. You don’t need them anymore,” he said in a gentle voice. Taking my hand, he pulled me back toward the table that I’d set for us.

“Food’s ready, hon. Let’s have a nice dinner.”

Eighteen

T
HE
new Marshall novel captivated me as I sat on the balcony of Steven’s apartment and read. I hated lying out there in next to nothing, but Nick loved bronzed blonds and hated glaring tan lines. The front door opening in the middle of the morning shattered my peaceful silence, and immediately, I felt fear. Steven never came home in the middle of the day, even though he worked in the building.

“Jay? Babe?” Steven called from the living room, and I tossed my book onto the small table next to the lounger and hurried inside. Whatever he wanted, it would be worse if I kept him waiting.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as I stopped an arm’s length from him. When my eyes adjusted from the change of sunlight to the dimness of the living room, I saw he hadn’t taken off his shoes. Something loosened in my chest with the realization that he wasn’t staying.

“Nothing’s wrong, babe. Nick called. He wants to do some stills this morning. After that, he said some of the guys brought stuff to throw on the grill, so it looks like an all-day thing. I need my truck today to go pick up some equipment for the building, but he said that a couple of the guys live pretty close, and they’ll swing by and pick you up.” Steven’s eyes roamed hungrily over my nearly naked body, and he stepped closer. I had to force myself not to back up.

“What time?” I asked as his arms wrapped around my waist and I felt his hands on my ass.

“He said they’d pick you up in about half an hour. God, you’re gorgeous,” he murmured into my neck and began to kiss me. More out of habit than any real desire, I wrapped my arms around his neck and nuzzled into the kiss. When he pulled the back of my skimpy swimsuit down to rub my bare skin, I backed away slightly.

“I need to get in the shower if they’re going to be here in half an hour,” I whispered in his ear, not wanting to upset him.

“I know,” he said as he straightened up again with a small smile. “I just like to touch you. Go ahead and get in the shower. I need to get back to work. I’ll be there to pick you up this afternoon after my shift.”

“Okay,” I replied and surprised him by giving him one final tender kiss to keep him happy. The light stayed in his eyes as he turned and walked out the front door. As it closed behind him, I sighed and walked into the bedroom to pick out something to wear.

I tried not to hope that Brian would be at the studio.

Twenty minutes later, I sat on the couch with one leg bouncing. Steven hadn’t left me anything, and it had been days since that night of drugs and sex. I thought about taking something from my hidden stash but decided I didn’t need it
that
badly, and I didn’t want to be high in case I saw Brian. The bruises on my face and back had faded until they were barely noticeable, and maybe with an afternoon away from Steven, I could be normal. I would never be the same Jamie that Brian had known in Alabama, but maybe if he was determined to stay, he could learn to be friends with the Jamie I had become. I knew that staying in contact with him was dangerous, but now that he had come back into my life, I couldn’t stay away from him. I needed him so badly.

My skin started to itch, and I scratched at it absently as I thought about that book in the back of the closet. One day when Steven left for work, I had cut a rectangular hole inside one of my paperbacks and hid a small bag of coke. Since then, I had added more stuff, just a little at a time. A few pills, a little grass, and a tiny bottle full of Jack. It sat all the way on the back of the shelf under a stack of other books.

Instead of going for the book, I stood up, walked over to the balcony door, and opened it. Stepping out onto the balcony didn’t diminish my craving, but the fresh air helped to clear my head. That book felt like a magnet against an iron core. It called to me, tried to draw me to it. Sometimes I was able to resist, especially if I didn’t think I could come down before Steven got home, but some days were worse than others. I gripped the balcony railing and looked down, wondering for the hundredth time if I should just jump. My life had been destroyed; I had no future. I was just a whore and a junkie. I was going to get Brian killed because I couldn’t let go.

My body started to ache for the fix I knew lay just feet away. If I just took something small, I could still be straight enough to talk to Brian if he was at the shoot. Looking at my watch, I saw that I had less than five minutes, so for the moment, I let go of the railing and my thoughts of death and went to the closet.

The doorman called up just as I set the stack of books back on the shelf.

“Hi, this is Thomas from downstairs, sir. There is a Mr. Jesse Espinoza to see you,” he said in a clipped, rather disapproving voice.

“Send him up, please,” I said and thanked him. Looking around the living room for my shoes, I smiled at the thought of seeing my Brian again. It killed me to remember why we would see each other today. He was selling his body because of me, sleeping with strange guys to stay here. My chest ached, and for a second I couldn’t breathe. I’d loved him all my life, and he was so much better off without me.

The knock on the door startled me, and I answered it to see a young Hispanic guy I’d not worked with before. His black curls complemented the mocha color of his skin, and his brown eyes were kind, but what struck me the most about him was his smile. He looked genuinely happy to see me, which I couldn’t understand because I didn’t think we’d ever met.

“Hi, Jamie, I’m Emilio. On set, they call me Jesse, but you can call me Em,” he said brightly as I slipped into my shoes.

“Hey,” I said quietly. After checking to make sure I had my keys and wallet, I followed him out the door. It didn’t occur to me that he’d called me by my real name until the elevator opened on the first floor. I didn’t say anything about it in the silent lobby, but I tried to make myself remember that I wanted to ask him when we got to his car. Rather than going to the parking garage, as I expected, he walked out to the curb, where a battered black Jeep idled. As I got closer, I saw that Corey sat in the front seat and he was half turned to talk to Brian in the back. My steps faltered on the sidewalk, and I felt suddenly shy. After my awkward phone call earlier in the week, I had no idea what to say to him, especially in front of his friends.

“Hey, man,” Corey said when I reached the Jeep. Emilio opened the door and motioned for me to hop in the back with Brian. Climbing into the back, I sat as close to the door as I could and fastened the belt.

“Hey,” I said to the group in general and watched with apparent interest as Emilio climbed in. If I didn’t look at Brian, I wouldn’t feel that overwhelming urge to either kiss him or crawl into his lap.

“Jamie,” Brian whispered and leaned over toward me. I panicked, pulled away, and tried to shrug him off.

“Steven works in the building. He could be watching us,” I replied furiously, and immediately Brian sat straight up in his seat. I seriously doubted that he was, but the excuse worked to distance myself from Brian.

“Let’s just go,” Corey said, and I heard a note of frustration in his voice. I didn’t know if the frustration was directed at me or Brian, but I didn’t say anything. Once he’d thrown the Jeep into gear, he pulled smoothly out into traffic. I looked back at the building and thought about what would happen if Steven had seen us. The fear and the drugs made my heart slam against the inside of my chest, and I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm down. I hated feeling scared to breathe.

“Jamie, are you okay?” Brian asked. I heard the concern in his voice. I finally looked over at him, and aside from the tan and the leaner physique, he looked just like I remembered, just like I dreamed. When my eyes met his, I couldn’t answer. I’d never been a good liar, especially with Brian. I couldn’t tell him I was fine, because I wasn’t. Instead, I just said nothing.

As we pulled onto the highway, he reached between us and wrapped his hand around mine. He didn’t say another word until we pulled into the drive at the studio. For nearly twenty minutes, we simply sat in the back of that Jeep holding hands like nothing had changed. Mostly, we listened to Emilio and Corey, whom Emilio called “Mike.” Brian chuckled a few times at their bickering, like an indulgent brother, but never joined in.

Alex waited on the porch, and I wondered if it was because he was waiting for me, or if he just couldn’t stand being inside. The guys gave him such a hard time. He seemed to clash with them like oil and water, maybe because he tried too hard to fit in or maybe because the guys took their lead from Brandon. Brandon and Alex were polar opposites and probably couldn’t agree on the time of day if asked.

With catlike grace, Alex sprang off the porch before the Jeep had even stopped. He waited, bouncing on the balls of his feet, while we all got out. Rather than going into the house, Mike and Emilio stopped next to Brian when he waited for me.

“Hey, Taylor,” Brian said and smiled at Alex as Mike and Emilio stood nearby and waved.

“Hi, Brian, and actually, it’s Alex,” Alex told him before walking right up to us and pulling Brian into a hug. I heard him whisper something to Brian, who smiled at him. “Guys, Julio has everything set up in the backyard to do some stills. They have burgers and chips and stuff for after. We should go back so they can get started.” Without waiting for Brian, Mike, or Emilio, I nodded and followed Alex as he walked around the well-manicured corner of the big house toward the backyard. Music blared as we approached, and the babble of voices got louder.

“Nick! They’re here,” Brandon shouted over the grating female voice on the radio. I didn’t recognize the song, but the singing was painful. Mike, Emilio, and Brian followed us around to where about fifteen guys were hanging out around the pool. A couple were holding huge white shades that I knew were used to help with the lighting.

The yard went quiet as Nick turned off the radio and called for our attention.

“Okay, guys, let’s start with some action shots. There’s a football over there, with a volleyball and a couple of Frisbees. Play around for a while and let us get some nice, sweaty pics,” Nick said with a loud clap of his hands, and the guys wandered over to the sports equipment he’d indicated. Brandon grabbed the football and got Brian, Mike, and Josh to join him in a game. Emilio picked up the volleyball and started hitting it to two guys I didn’t know. Alex found one of the Frisbees and threw it to me. I nearly missed it as I watched Brian pulling off his tight T-shirt. The light caught in his hair, and he looked simply beautiful.

“Hey, stop staring and play catch with me,” Alex teased with a smirk and waited for me to throw the neon-green Frisbee. I rolled my eyes and let it sail on the air toward him. Nick and Julio snapped pictures for the next hour, stopping to give us specific instructions or position us. My stomach burned when I saw Mike with his arms around Brian’s waist in a mock tackle for the camera. A few minutes later, Julio had Mike and Emilio stand on either side of Brian, each with an arm thrown around his shoulders. My heart nearly stopped at the beautiful smile on Brian’s face. Genuine and natural, he was probably happier than I’d seen him since we had been together back home.

“I have to hit the john,” I told Alex and stormed into the house. The door slammed behind me, but I didn’t pay much attention. Taking the stairs two at a time, I walked into the green room and took several deep breaths. The room spun as I tried to get myself under control, and I put my head in my hands. I couldn’t keep up the pretense much longer. For the last few months, I’d been able to come here, do my job, and force myself not to feel. I’d buried my emotions so deep that the people around me just figured I didn’t have any. With Brian here, I couldn’t do it anymore. Being around him, seeing him, made me feel everything so strongly. At that moment, all I felt was pain.

“Jamie?” Brian asked from behind me. I didn’t turn around because I didn’t want him to see how out of control I was.

“Go back downstairs, Brian,” I said in the calmest voice I could find. It sounded cold in my head, but at least it wasn’t trembling.

“Is everything okay?” That goddamn patient concern was still there, and it infuriated me. I didn’t understand how he could still care about me, still want me after everything he’d seen.

I turned around and felt the rage breaking the surface, like the ocean during a violent storm. All I could see was Mike’s hands, every other guy’s hands on him.