Destiny (17 page)

"But … Why did you say you didn't experience it when you did, Naran?" Lorand blurted, agitation giving him a bewildered expression. "Were you trying to fool me into something?"

"I didn't want you to feel left out, Lorand," Naran said at once, her expression so full of commiseration that it was impossible to doubt her. "I know much too well what feeling left out is like, and I'd only wish the feeling on my worst enemy. Not on someone I care so much about."

Lorand went silent as his skin darkened, and suddenly he wasn't able to make eye contact with any of us. I thought it was just embarrassment over his having accused Naran of something underhanded, but Jovvi seemed to know better.

"What you're feeling right now relates directly to the problem, love," she said, her tone relentless despite the compassion on her face. "Tell me why your discomfort is ringed with so much guilt. And I'd also like to know what all that jealousy inside you is about."

We all waited to hear what Lorand would say, but he stood silent as he continued to look down at the ground. The silence dragged on for a very long moment, and then I got the strangest idea.

"Lorand, we once had a discussion about how you felt about Jovvi being a courtesan," I said slowly, trying to get my thoughts in order. "You said you hated the idea of her lying with other men, but that can't possibly relate to her lying with Vallant and Rion. They're not other men, they're part of the whole that makes up our entity. It would be like resenting your own lying with her."

"And I seem to recall a time not long ago when you happily went with Naran while I paired with Jovvi," Vallant said when Lorand made no comment on what I'd said. "You told me you weren't bothered at all, and you were also actin' like it. You can't mean you were lyin'?"

"I wasn't lying, not really," Lorand blurted, finally looking up. "I knew in the beginning that we had to lie with each other to make our Blending bond strong, and that time you're talking about was to help out a brother as well as a sister. But now it looks like we'll have to lie with each other on a regular basis, and that's not the same thing at all. It's just not the same."

Once again Lorand was looking away from the rest of us, while
we
were busy exchanging glances. Vallant had obviously been right to say that Lorand was the way he had always been, and that was the whole trouble.

"So Naran and I both love you but you don't return the feeling," I heard myself saying to Lorand, and somehow a trace of hurt ran through the words. "You haven't merged with the rest of us in the entity because you don't want to be a part of us the rest of the time."

"But that isn't true," Lorand said at once, his expression now stricken. "Of course I love you and Naran, or I couldn't have lain with the two of you. That's not what's … disturbing me."

"I believe
I
see the point of disturbance," Rion said, a small bit of revelation in his tone - along with something else. "Your lying with Tamrissa and Naran is perfectly acceptable, but Jovvi's lying with Vallant and myself is not. Would you care to explain how that can be? You've used the term 'brother' at least as often as I have, but obviously the word has a different meaning for you than it does for the rest of us."

"But - don't you see that it doesn't
matter
if I consider you brothers?" Lorand said, his brows having risen with surprise. "I had brothers at home too, but I didn't share a woman with them. No man shared his woman, because doing something like that just isn't right."

"No, Lorand, this time
you're
the one who isn't right," I said quickly, annoyed with myself for not having seen the truth sooner. "It's clear now that you may have left that farm district physically, but inside your head you're still living among those narrow-minded provincials. The rest of us have grown, but you're still a little boy who worries what the neighbors will think."

"What Tamrissa means is that you're not lookin' at the matter in the proper light," Vallant added hastily as Lorand actually frowned at me. "Sleepin' around, especially after you pair up with a woman, isn't acceptable behavior in my home town either, but men boast about doin' it and women pretend they never indulge. If a woman is caught sleepin' around, her reputation disappears instantly. But Lorand - haven't you noticed that we're not sneakin' around behind each other's backs? We're not playin' sex games, we're doin' what we have to in order to make our Blendin' as strong as it can be. And we only do it in our merged pairs - or at least that's all the rest of us do. Are you sayin' you indulge with women other than our three?"

"Of course he doesn't, but not for the reason the rest of us don't go looking," I said while Lorand tried to babble out a very embarrassed denial. "
He
doesn't go after other women because he's still a little boy who worries what a bunch of people he doesn't even like may say about him. And more than that, he worries about what those stupid people will say about Jovvi, the woman he considers his. If
he
gets caught with one of the other women in our pairs, he can grin while his loutish friends congratulate him in private. But if Jovvi is caught with you or Rion, Vallant, he'll be humiliated in front of everyone. After all, we all know what people think of
sluts
and the men who associate with them."

"It was Korge who did this, wasn't it, Lorand?" Jovvi said, shock staring from her gaze. "Tamma is right about the way you feel, and it all stems from that act Korge put on to keep the members of the other council Blendings from lying together. No one else took him seriously, but his attitude threw you right back into your original way of looking at things. You're ashamed of all of us, and ashamed to be considered one of us."

"And that's why you haven't merged with us in the entity," Naran said while Lorand stared at Jovvi silently with a stricken expression. "You think it's wrong to do what we do, so you've held yourself back."

"And you'll probably continue to hold yourself back, which is fine with me," I said, the words hard as I interrupted whatever else Naran may have wanted to say. "Since you're such a better person than the rest of us, you can relax from now on. If anyone ever suggests that I lie with you again, I'll burn them to ash just to show how firm my refusal will be."

After having told him exactly the way I felt, I turned and walked away from all of them. It had been impossible to miss how hurt Jovvi felt, and her pain had fed my anger to the flaming stage. At one point I'd thought we were all through with being hurt by anyone but outsiders, but obviously I'd been wrong.

"Tamrissa, wait," Vallant called from behind me, his voice filled with disturbance. "Lorand isn't feelin' things like that on purpose. He's just reactin' to the way he was raised, which is always the hardest battle we ever have to fight."

"Garbage," I countered with a very rude sound, pausing to turn and glare my disdain. "Rion and I also had to fight the way
we
were raised, but we managed it because we didn't consider ourselves morally superior.
He
does, and if I ever need my life saved again and you let
him
do it, I'll never speak to you again. I'd rather be dead than be saved by someone so …
good
."

The shock on Lorand's pale face said he knew I wasn't lying or just speaking to hear the sound of my own voice. I meant every word I'd said, and I was
glad
he knew it. What I didn't understand was how I could have ever considered that man a friend and more…

I began to take another step away from the group when I became aware of something that anger had kept me from noticing sooner. One of our associate Blendings had their entity on watch, and some part of me knew exactly where that entity was. Which meant that the entity I now sensed probably wasn't one of ours. I didn't know
exactly
where the new entity was, but there was no doubt about its being very near.

The enemy was right on top of us, and our strongest Blending members were barely speaking to each other, not to mention being totally unready to fight!

Lorand swam in confusion and helplessness. It had been something of a shock to learn that he was the only one who hadn't … merged during the last time they'd Blended, but the following conversation had made things worse rather than better. He hadn't known himself precisely what he was feeling, and he'd been horrified when Tamrissa actually put those feelings into words. It wasn't possible to deny what she'd said, and then she turned and started to stalk away.

"Tamrissa, wait," Vallant called, saving Lorand from having to fight to say the words himself. "Lorand isn't feelin' things like that on purpose. He's just reactin' to the way he was raised, which is always the hardest battle we ever have to fight."

"Garbage," Tamrissa denied with a snort, pausing to turn and stare at Lorand with disgust. "Rion and I also had to fight the way
we
were raised, but we managed it because we didn't consider ourselves morally superior.
He
does, and if I ever need my life saved again and you let
him
do it, I'll never speak to you again. I'd rather be dead than be saved by someone so …
good
."

Lorand felt as though someone had stabbed him in the chest with a very long, sharp knife. Tamrissa had been his friend almost from the first day they'd met, and since then she'd become something a good deal more … complex in his life. He loved Jovvi with every fiber of his being, and when Jovvi had looked her pain at him it had been almost more than he could bear. Now Tamrissa had added to his anguish, in a way that a simple friend could never have done. The beautiful Fire magic user was vitally important in Lorand's life, and now she had taken herself out of it.

And what was happening was all
his
fault! He'd thought he'd outgrown the provincial attitudes he'd been raised with, but it had suddenly been made clear to him that he'd just buried those prejudices. Intellectually he knew that he and the others weren't just not doing wrong but were doing what was necessary, but some mindless part of him refused to accept that. That mindless part
knew
right from wrong, just the way his former neighbors in Widdertown did. Right was what
they
thought it was, no matter the opinions of others…

"Is anyone else sensing what I am?" Rion suddenly asked in a very soft voice. "Please answer quickly."

For an instant Lorand had no idea what Rion was talking about, but then an awareness pushed its way through the chaos in Lorand's mind. There was a Blending entity not far away, but it was too tenuous and … stealthy, for want of a better word, for it to be one of their associates. It looked like
they
were being scouted in the same way they had scouted the enemy earlier.

"We've got to take care of this," Jovvi said, visibly pulling herself together. "Are all of you ready?"

"What about Tamrissa?" Vallant protested, then he shook his head. "No, never mind. I can see that she already knows about our visitor, and she's ready and waitin'. That means there's nothin' keepin' us from doin' it."

Nothing but me
, Lorand thought very briefly before the rest of his thoughts were submerged into the entity.

Chapter Eleven

The Rion entity looked around as soon as he was formed. There was an intruder in their midst, something his flesh forms had become aware of in a very satisfying manner. The Rion entity was pleased, knowing that his maturation was proceeding in a proper manner.

But maturation was hardly the most important consideration at the moment. More to the point was the intruder, which had thinned itself to so diffuse a point that the Rion entity's associate entities had no idea that it was present.

I think we ought to attack it, to teach it not to do this again,
the Rion entity's Tamrissa part said at once.
Making it cautious can only help us.

The probabilities council against such an action
,
the Naran part put in as a response.
The results of such a doing narrow our options far too much.

Yes, you're quite right,
the Rion entity agreed as he, too, studied the probabilities.
It seems that an attempt to communicate would be the least restrictive action.

I agree,
the Jovvi part of the Rion entity put forth.
We may even get some useful information.

Before the rain begins,
the Vallant part added.
Once the rain does begin, all flesh forms involved will be less flexible.

Less willing to listen to reason
,
the Rion entity clarified for his own sake.
Very well, let us attempt communication.

It was very difficult to perceive the intruder entity in its present state, but knowing of its presence let the Rion entity float forward almost a foot of distance before he directed a thought at the intruder.

-For what reason have you and your flesh forms invaded this place?
-
the Rion entity sent. -
We are fully aware of your presence, therefore you need not remain silent.-

-You surprise this entity,-
the intruder responded, a superior amusement to be felt behind the communication. -T
hose others have no idea that this entity is present, which should be the case for you as well. You will be useful to this entity once you have been properly subdued.-