Destined to Feel (26 page)

— Oliver Wendell Holmes

Alexa

My world instantly transforms as I board this luxury cruiser. It is the most incredible boat I have ever laid eyes on, let alone set foot upon. Beautiful timber decks; both outdoor and indoor dining and lounge areas. A spa on the starboard deck. Our speedboat has miraculously disappeared into a purpose-made garage; it’s as if the large cruiser we are now on has swallowed it up entirely.

Jeremy introduces me to Martin, who was apparently protecting us at Avalon, and from what I understand will be accompanying us for the foreseeable future if Jeremy and Leo have anything to do with it. And to Salina, who looks small, strong, smart and savvy. I shake her hand warmly because it looks as though she could give Jeremy a run for his money. I like her instantly. And then I meet the rest of the crew, including a chef, the captain, and a few boathands to help out with all the things that generally need doing around a boat.

All the while, Jeremy’s arm is anchored around my shoulders. To be honest, it’s too much to absorb just now, but then again, I have felt like that for a while. The wild ride continues.

‘Do I even ask how you managed to arrange this?’ His arm is still protectively around me, as if he’ll never let me go. I don’t want him to.

‘A good friend of Leo’s…it isn’t being used until next month so he was more than happy to lend us both boat and crew for the next week if we needed it — which we did.’

‘Aha. Okay then.’ I slide my fingers along the lounge suite as we make our way deeper into the boat. There really are some obscenely wealthy people in the world. I’m a little overcome by my situation, compared to the looks on the faces of those people lining up to allow the use of their bodies for drug experimentation.

‘Are you okay, Alexa, do you need to lie down?’

‘Yeah, I think I do, actually. There is just so much we need to discuss, Jeremy, I honestly don’t know where to begin.’ The events of the past week have drained me both physically and emotionally. And now I’m on a dream cruiser with Jeremy — I feel like I’ve been dropped out of Dorothy’s tornado and landed in Oz.

‘I know, sweetheart, I feel exactly the same way. I thought you were…well, for days… I didn’t know…’ Tears well up in his eyes and he can’t continue. I hug him tight so he knows I’m here, so he can feel I’m here, finally, with him. I can only imagine how I would be feeling if the situation had been reversed, not knowing whether he was dead or alive. You wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.

‘Can I use your phone, Jeremy? I really need to speak to Elizabeth and Jordan. It feels like it has been forever and they should be home and awake now.’

‘Of course, I’ll go and let the crew know we’re ready to sail. I’ll be right back.’ He stares lovingly into my eyes, gives me another lingering kiss and reluctantly lets go of my hand.

The relief when I hear their chirpy little voices is as overwhelming as it is calming; finally the knots in my stomach begin to unravel. They are happy, talkative and completely unaware of anything I have been through. It sounds like the messages Xsade sent on my behalf were fairly generic and inconsequential. Thank god! I send a prayer of thanks to the universe.

They miss me as much as I miss them and they really try hard not to talk about a big surprise they have for me. It works, sort of… My heart swells with love for them. Robert confirms everything is going fine, that yes, they are eating well and that my mother has been sending over additional meals just in case he has been too busy to cook. I laugh at the joyful, mundane, everyday life of parenthood and wouldn’t give it up for quids. I can’t help but think that so much has been going on over here and they have been none the wiser, their lives chugging along normally. This knowledge is enormously reassuring and I’m eternally grateful they haven’t been dragged into any of this mess.

Jeremy returns and I hand him his phone back with a smile on my face and love in my heart.

My relief is monumental. ‘Thank you.’

‘Everything okay with the kids?’

‘Everything is great. They have no idea what has been going on here and are very excited about some surprise for me, which is so cute.’

‘I can’t wait to meet them properly. They certainly sound like real little people these days.’

‘They are gorgeous, Jeremy. You get to realise how much children mean to you when you are taken away from them.’ My voice quivers and his arms are around me in seconds as I bury my head into his chest in tearful happiness. ‘You know, the one thing I missed and thought about more than anything, was not being able to kiss them goodnight. There is no greater privilege for a parent than to be able to tuck their child in and give them a kiss goodnight while they fall sleep. So peaceful and angelic, their little cherub faces dreaming their sweet dreams.’ His finger gently catches the last tear cascading down my cheek.

‘I’m so sorry, Alexa. I never meant for any of this to happen, or to put you in danger. Can you ever forgive me?’

‘I love you, Jeremy, I always have. Don’t doubt for a second that I’ve been through a lot, but it has worked out. We are here and we are together. All that is missing is my children, but speaking to them was the next best thing. We will get through this.’

The pain etched on his face is almost crushing. I stand on my tiptoes to kiss his lips, his chin, his cheeks in an attempt to smooth away his anguish. It takes a moment for him to soften, but I’m happy to persist until he kisses me back and we become lost in the moment. God, I’ve missed him.

‘Would you like me to run a bath for you?’ His lips caress the nape of my neck so perfectly as he utters these words, his hands gently resting on my hips. I immediately consider where else I would love his lips and hands.

‘Absolutely. I haven’t had one for ages and I’m looking forward to getting out of these clothes. I must stink.’

‘You actually smell surprisingly good. Let me help you with your clothes.’ He drops the cardigan from my shoulders, sliding it down my arms and unzips the back of my dress, letting it fall to the floor. I’m left standing in my new black underwear that I bought especially for this trip. Finally, he gets to see it. ‘New?’

‘For your eyes only…’ I say cheekily as I look into his eyes in the mirror above the basin.

Then I remember that isn’t exactly true — other eyes have seen them before him. He smiles while absorbing my body until a frown shadows his face.

‘What’s wrong?’ I ask, sensing a change in his demeanour.

He slips a strap of my bra over my shoulder, lowering the cup covering my breast. He stares in shock at what he sees, running his finger down from my breast to my stomach. I catch a glimpse of what is causing his reaction just before he turns me around to face him directly. Oh dear. Nothing like this has ever happened between us before. I remain silent and still as he continues a close inspection of my entire body. His fingers linger along the tops of my legs and stop at my inner thighs before he finally speaks.

‘What did they do to you?’

I’m not sure whether to be embarrassed, angry, upset, thrilled or proud. Combinations of these emotions flow through me as though I’ve just taken a spin on the jackpot on a lottery machine. Jeremy’s eyes look as though he is going through a similar process albeit with vastly different emotions. I wonder which one he’ll settle on? I decide to cut to the chase before his mind comes to a complete stop.

‘They did many things, Jeremy. None of them harmed me; some of them scared me a little.’ I remember my inauspicious journey to the chateau. ‘But when I was in the facility, it was mutually agreed, and to be honest, I learned quite a lot about myself.’

‘But you have small bruises all over your body. If I didn’t know better I’d say they were love bites.’ I can’t help but smile at his use of such a teenage word. ‘You think it is funny?’ He looks unamused.

‘A little, I have to admit.’ I am unable to keep the smile from my face. ‘Don’t you?’

‘Alexa, you were abducted right in front of my eyes, shuffled from country to country, vanished for over three days and I thought you were dead and you now have bruises and marks on your body. How can you stand there smiling and tell me they didn’t hurt you?’ He sounds distraught as he turns me back around and raises my arm so I can see the marks on the inside of my upper arm as clearly as he can.

‘I promise you, Jeremy, they didn’t hurt one bit.’ I raise my eyebrow and wonder where this will take his analytical thought process.

‘You, you…enjoyed it?’ He looks utterly astonished.

‘Surprisingly, much more than I would ever have believed.’

‘With other men?’ I hesitate. ‘Please, I just need to know, tell me the truth. How did you get these?’

‘From two women.’

‘And they didn’t cause you pain?’

‘Quite the opposite, actually.’ My eyes are wide open, awaiting his response. He has always wanted me to explore the ‘other side’ — that is, with women — and I’d never been brave enough. On a few occasions, he’d gone so far as to provide me with the opportunity, but I never went there. And now I have, well, sort of…at least, they did with me.

‘Oh, well… I suppose that is different, then.’ I can sense his entire body and mind absorbing this new information. His previous fear and anger is making way to curiosity and fascination.

‘I can assure you, Jeremy, you’ve put me through worse…and better, admittedly.’ This time I can’t help but laugh. I’ve never seen him so unsure of himself and his emotions. It’s strangely empowering.

‘Jeremy,’ I say clearly, ‘a bath would be great, thanks.’

‘Hmm, yes, a bath, of course.’ Still not entirely at ease with our conversation he goes about his business of making a bath, which gives me an opportunity to inspect my body and the bruising more thoroughly. It’s not too bad, although there are a lot of them I must admit, more than I would have thought. ‘Your earlier comment was quite accurate, Alexa.’

‘What was that?’ I yell out so he can hear me over the running water.

‘We do have a lot to discuss.’

This should be interesting.

I can’t describe how incredible the bath feels for my body. I melt into the steaming water, and once again the aroma of lavender and jasmine fill the air and my body finally feels as if it has the opportunity to release the tension it has been harbouring for days. I’m not surprised when Jeremy undresses and joins me. I get the sense that he isn’t game to leave me for more than a few seconds, in case I should vanish again from his grasp. I know this is where I belong but I also know we have much to resolve between us before we can move forward. He cradles my body between his legs and wraps his arms possessively around my shoulders. I let my head rest against his chest and feel more secure than I have in days, but I’m not sure that it is the truth. I have to ask: ‘Am I safe now, Jeremy? Is there any risk they will find me?’

‘That’s a good question, sweetheart. Let me explain to you everything that happened after we left Avalon.’

Over the next twenty-four hours, Jeremy explains everything that he was planning to tell me personally during our scheduled meeting in London — before our plans were more than rudely interrupted.

He tells me about the blackmail letter and for a moment my head swirls. I flash back and remember my difficulty in interpreting his sense of urgency and underlying fear during our weekend away, and now fully understand why it was so difficult for him to resolve. Sometimes the decisions we make in life are to protect the ones we love, to distance them from potential pain. Not knowing whether the blackmail threat was real or not, and not knowing our true intentions and feelings for each other, confused us both and clouded the decisions we were willing to make. If only we had trusted each other enough to have a ‘real’ conversation.

If only I had known that he had known about Robert’s sexual tendencies while I remained completely naive. I may have not been so hesitant or nervous. I barely had time to think about anything that weekend, so much was coming at me, so blindly, so fast. It had been so long since Jeremy and I had connected emotionally, let alone sexually…both of us weren’t as sure of ourselves as perhaps we should have been. Hindsight is a great thing, but it doesn’t alter the past or the decisions we made. Would I change anything? I’m not sure. I’d never put my children in danger, so maybe he made the right decision on my behalf, regardless, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a lot of fun playing that weekend. More fun, in some ways, than I had ever had as an adult to date. Is that irresponsible?

I have to acknowledge that I willingly agreed to partake in the experiment and can’t deny gaining many personal insights and learning a lot as a result. After all, I’m always trying to live a life without regrets. What I haven’t come to terms with is the ‘uniqueness’ of my red blood cells. This is a complete shock. The potential healing ability that Jeremy describes is almost unreal to me. I ask him whether it has been genetically passed to my children, but he’s unsure and, at this stage, unwilling to conduct any tests on them to find out. He has become even more protective since he is now aware of the heightened risks and dangers. It’s almost as if he is taking the approach of ‘the less we know the safer we’ll be’, which goes against the grain of his career. But I suppose he has never loved anyone like he does me, and the fact that I know that now, beyond any shadow of a doubt, makes me the happiest woman on earth. I smile and hug myself indulgently. Even if I have weird blood that people want to steal…then a deep shudder travels down my spine at that thought. Once again, I find myself unconsciously stroking my ever-present bracelet. Jeremy assures me they are investigating a way to modify it to ensure it can be traced underground or underwater, since the Xsade facility, located
under
Lake Bled, blocked the signal. I hope they do, I never want him to lose me again!

After a few days sailing at sea, I feel refreshed and alive. The ocean air has been good for my lungs and the sun has added a little colour to my otherwise pale skin. I feel hesitant about returning to London so soon after everything that has happened so we decide to sail to Barcelona while we still have use of the boat. My bruises have pretty much cleared up, thank goodness.