Destined to Change (16 page)

“What the hell do you want? I don’t have anything to say to you. Your wife said it all.”

“I need to explain, Loralei. Stacy and I are married, but we’ve been separated for over a year. She was addicted to heroin and that’s a big part of the reason why I came to stay with Uncle Jake. She has been in rehab for the last three months. When she got out, my mom told her where to find me. I had no idea she was coming here. I didn’t know where she was. I haven’t seen her in way over a year. She disappeared. I filed for divorce, but since we couldn’t find her to sign the papers, it hasn’t been finalized yet. I swear to you, Loralei, I would never hurt you like that. I considered myself divorced since we haven’t been together for so long.”

I couldn’t look at him. I had my hands balled up into fists at my sides. “That doesn’t explain the way you reacted when she came into my office yesterday. Jaxon, you acted like I wasn’t even there. The look on your face, well, you looked like a deer caught in the headlights. All I wanted was an explanation. You didn’t even try to stop me. You just let me leave.”

“I was so shocked to see her that I didn’t know what to do, Lor. She looks so different from the last time I saw her, I was in shock. I’ve been calling you non-stop since you left. Your mom asked me to give you the night to think things over.  I don’t love Stacy anymore, Loralei, and I haven’t in a long time. Our marriage had been over for months before she disappeared. Her addiction almost killed her, and me, in the process and it was all my fault. I introduced her to that life. I’m not a good guy, Loralei. There are a lot of skeletons in my closet. I was trying to turn my life around, and I thought meeting you and falling in love was a gift from God. Maybe a sign that I wasn’t as bad as I thought. That maybe I was worthy of being loved by an amazing woman like you. And then I fucked it up. I told you that day in the truck, I fuck everything up. I’m so sorry I hurt you Loralei, but I had to explain the situation. I know you hate me, and you have every right to, and you can do so much better than me, but I’m in love with you and I think I have been since the moment I laid eyes on you on that four-wheeler my first day on the farm.”

I couldn’t hold it in any longer. The tears started pouring down my face.

“I’m so sorry Jaxon. I’m so sorry that I didn’t pick up the phone.”

And then I started pounding on his chest. “Why didn’t you stop me? Why did you let me leave? Why did you let me come here alone? Why Jaxon? Why? You have no idea what I’ve done!”

I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t stand to see his face when the realization hit him. When he noticed the bed in shambles, or my clothes strewn all over the room, or my panties ripped to shreds at the edge of the couch. I couldn’t stand to see his face when he realized what a horrible person I was and what I had done to us, to our future.

Jaxon didn’t say a word. I watched as his jaw clenched and a tear came to his eye. I didn’t think he was sad, but I knew he was pissed. His hands were curled into fists, “Where the fuck is he?” I had never seen this side of Jaxon, he was beyond mad, he was shaking with anger.

“He’s gone. It was a mistake. I’m so sorry. I was so upset and I got really drunk and I just wanted to forget about you. I wanted to forget how much you hurt me. Jaxon, please understand; please know that if I had known everything you just told me this wouldn’t have happened. If you had stopped me yesterday or if I would have answered the phone. Please Jaxon, please don’t hate me! I love you. I’m so sorry!”

“I poured my heart out to you. I have been honest with you the whole time about how fucked up I was. But I guess I didn’t realize how fucked up you are. You waited ten years to have sex after you killed your boyfriend and had his babies and then you can’t give me one day? Just one fucking day to explain to you what happened before jumping into bed with some asshole you met in a bar?”

“You’re not the person I thought you were, and I can’t believe that I fell in love with you. Get your fucking hands off of me so I can get the hell away from you. I never want to see you again. Just pretend I died, you shouldn’t have a problem with that!”

With those words, Jaxon turned around and ran out of the room. He slammed the door so hard, that the pictures on the wall shook. I was sobbing uncontrollably. What the hell had I done? How could I have done that to Jaxon? Jaxon was right, I was totally fucked up. I was in love with him yesterday and instead of giving him the opportunity to explain what was going on, I had hooked up with some random cowboy. What kind of person did that make me? I knew the answer to that, the horrible kind.

I couldn’t move. I curled up in a ball on the bed and cried. I called Emma and told her what happened. I had to talk to someone about it. She insisted on coming to see me. She knew how important it was for me to attend the Cattle Barons Ball that night. The ball was the kick-off for the actual sale. It was where everyone got together and schmoozed and it’s where all of the deals were really negotiated. If you could get the seller to agree to something tonight, then tomorrow the deal was already made before the actual sale even began.

No matter how bad I felt, I had to go to this event. There was no way around it.  This was for the farm and it had to be done.  I was so thankful that Emma was coming to go with me.

I always splurged and bought a sexy new dress for this event. The sexier I looked the better price I could get on the new herd. It was sad, but true. I had to use my DD’s to get what I needed for the farm tonight. This year’s dress was candy apple red, floor length, with a deep v-cut in the back and it had a sweetheart neckline that accentuated my assets. The last thing I wanted to do tonight was to go to a party. But there was no question, I had to be there. And I would have to put a smile on my face, and pretend that everyone was hilarious and I was having a great time. I planned on drinking - a lot.

When Emma arrived she immediately went to work on my hair and make-up. I was so glad she was here to go with me. I really didn’t think I could face this alone. She didn’t ask me for any more details about what happened, but she knew the basics.

The event was always held in the grand ballroom of the hotel. When we stepped out of the elevator and headed that way you could already hear the band playing some old country music and you could hear everyone mingling around the room. The ballroom looked like a set from “Gone With the Wind”. The color palate was rich golds, dark greens, and deep burgundies. The walls were covered in velvet fabric. It looked like we were stepping into Tara.

This year’s big sale that everyone was interested in was from Cattleman Farms out of Ohio. They had the best herd this year, and I planned on taking most of them home with me to Harper Farms. George Davidson was an older, graying, overweight gentleman, who happened to be the controlling interest in Cattleman Farms, and therefore the man I needed to see about some cattle.

Emma, who was very petite, with short black hair cut in a pixie cut, was wearing her short little black dress to the ball.  She walked over to the bar to get us a couple of drinks. I was looking for Mr. Davidson. Before I could catch his eye I noticed another gentleman walking up to him. No, it couldn’t be. What the hell was he doing here?

“Well hello hon’, how are ya feeling? I heard you had a rough night last night,” Cade said in a snarky tone as I walked up to find him talking business with Mr. Davidson.

“I’m feeling just fine. That thing last night was so insignificant it didn’t have any effect on my day at all, but thanks so much for your concern.”

“It was definitely my pleasure ma’am. Well, George sounds like we got some more business to talk about, you wanna go grab another drink at the bar?”

I pushed right in front of Cade. “Mr. Davidson, I was really hoping we could get a chance to talk tonight. I would love to give you some information about Harper Farms. I believe our reputation precedes us.”

I pushed out my chest so my cleavage would just about pop out of the front of my dress. Cade and Mr. Davidson both noticed immediately. I didn’t know who looked hungrier.

“Harper Farms, huh? Yes, ma’am. I believe I would like to talk to ya a little more tonight. Why don’t you let me finish my discussion with Mr. Walker, and then I’ll come find ya?”

“Sounds like a great idea Mr. Davidson, or can I call you George?”

“Why of course you can, hon, I look forward to seeing ya real soon.”

Cade glared at me from the bar, but the glare quickly changed. It became more intense, more sultry, just damn hot. Why was he looking at me like that? Didn’t he understand that last night meant nothing, and I would never do that with him again? I thought I really loved Jaxon, I mean I did love Jaxon - but why was I drawn to this arrogant asshole?

It seemed like this event would never end. We had schmoozed with everyone in the room. We had been pawed. I had at least twenty offers to dance, buy me a drink, or take me up to their room. But the good news was I talked to George, and he had agreed to sell me half of his herd at a great price. Emma was having a good time drinking and dancing and pretending she was single. She would never do more than flirt, but she was really enjoying herself.

“I am really tired Lor. You about ready to go upstairs?”

“Why don’t you go ahead Emma, I’m not quite ready to go to sleep yet.  I’ll be up soon.  I’ll be fine, go get some sleep.”

“Okay, but if you need anything call me, I’ll leave my phone on.” She then disappeared down the hall.

Not moments after Emma disappeared I felt warm breath on my neck and then a tongue on my ear. I shuddered all the way down to my toes.

“Dance with me?” I turned to see Cade looking at me, waiting for my answer.

“I don’t dance, sorry.”

“You can just follow my lead.”

“I don’t think so.  Not tonight.  I think we did enough last night, don’t you?  And besides, I really need to get upstairs to Emma.”

He grabbed my hand and pulled me out into the hall. Before I knew what was happening, his tongue was in my mouth, his hand was sliding up my thigh through the slit in my dress. He murmured, “So wet”, when he ran his fingers inside my panties.

I didn’t know what came over me, but I didn’t stop him. I let him raise my leg up and press his erection against me. I let him kiss me and take over my mouth with his tongue, and then I let him slide his other hand down the back of my dress to cup my bare cheek. I didn’t want him to stop and the only reason he finally did was to say, “I don’t have a condom with me. We need to go to my room, now.”

In his room, we picked up right where we left off. He had me pressed against the wall with my legs wrapped around his waist as he held me up over his very strained erection that was about to poke right through his pants. I reached between us and unzipped his pants, letting them fall to the ground.

“Condom,” I said as I pushed his tightie-whities down his legs.

He carried me over to the nightstand, bent over and opened the drawer. There was a giant box of condoms in there. “Like a good Boy Scout, I’m always prepared.”

He put me down just long enough to put on the condom, and then he pushed me back up against the wall and held me up to where I was hovering over his erection. Our eyes met and he teased me by inserting just the tip and then he did this amazing thing with his hips and pressed in a little further. His eyes never left mine. Then a moan escaped his lips as he told me, “Hold on, wrap your arms around my neck.”

I did as I was told and he grabbed my ass and slammed me down on him. I screamed out “Cade - oh my god - Cade,” as I came again and again.

He was relentless; he didn’t stop pounding into me. It hurt, but in such a good way. Nothing like my time with Declan that was so sweet or my time with Jaxon that was so loving. This was just hard, rough sex. I really never thought I would enjoy that. When I had fantasized about sex, it was always gentle, but Cade was anything but gentle.

After he had given me too many orgasms to count, he let go and when he did he howled -
wow,
I guess I didn’t imagine that after all.

The next morning the light was so bright coming through the windows.  I felt his warm body pressed up against mine, and the realization of what had happened yesterday hit me. I had lost Jaxon forever. He hated me. I couldn’t blame anyone for this. It was all my fault.

The thought of laying there with Cade was literally making me nauseous. I needed to get out of this room and get back to Emma. I needed to call the kids and I really needed to talk to Jaxon. First things first, I had to get away from Cade.

I tried to pull out from under his big, muscular arm, but the more I tried to wiggle out from under it, the closer Cade pulled me back.

“Where ya tryin’ to rush off to, hon?” Cade whispered in my ear.

“I need to get back to my room. Emma will be worried sick, and I have to call and check up on my kids.”

“Kids? As in ‘more than one’?”

“Yes, Cade, I have nine year old twins.”

Cade looked like I had surprised the hell out of him. “But you’re too young to have kids that old, aren’t ya?”

“Obviously, I’m not that young, because I do have kids that old. I’m twenty-six.”

“Started young, huh?” he laughed as he kissed my shoulder.

There was no way I was going to go into the details of my life with this man. I didn’t plan on ever seeing him again, of course I didn’t plan on last night either.

I sat up and decided it was time to be honest with Cade. “This can never happen again, Cade. I am only in town one more day and then I will be heading back home to my kids and….” Cade interrupted me, “Asshat?”

Then it hit me - Jaxon, what I was going to do about Jaxon? He hated me now, we both said some horrible things yesterday and then I did the one thing that I knew would break his heart -
again
.

How could I sleep with Cade again? What had come over me? I knew that he was sexy and he made me feel like a completely different person, but how could I want to be with him? I didn’t understand why I wanted him, when I was in love with Jaxon. But was I in love with Jaxon? Maybe I wasn’t. Maybe I just thought it was love. Right now all I could think about was my need to get home. I needed to figure out what was going to happen with Jaxon. But most of all I just needed to get the hell away from Cade.