Destination D (13 page)

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D
ee's eyes shifted to her feet as she admitted, “I was always comfortable with who I was. I wasn't always messed up like this, you know, I mean the lying…My parents taught me that if you worked really hard, the end rewards would be great.” Her eyes grew moist remembering.

The doctor listened intently as she continued, giving her a reassuring nod now and then whenever she paused with her story.

“I would meet people every day and talk on different topics, but inevitably the same question would pop up.”

The doctor looked at her mouth, careful not to miss any detail of what she was going to say next. She intrigued him. Dee was rambling today, but he listened very closely. “So what was the question that bothered you so much?”

“It was always the lead-in question, ya know? ‘So what's your background?' And I would tell them. But once they find out that I'm a college graduate and have a law degree, that questioning look always crosses their faces. And next comes the lead-in question.” Dee widened her eyes dramatically for effect. “But
why
do
you
do
this
for a living when you obviously have so much going for you?” she said, throwing her hands in the air.

“And what is your response?”

“I'm silent for a few seconds, and then I let out a loud theatrical sigh and explain that it's a lot less stressful and the pay isn't bad either.”

The doctor laughed out loud. “I wasn't expecting that one.” Dee's problems paled in comparison to other patients he treated. Dee, on the other hand, just needed someone to listen to her. Low self-esteem was her biggest problem.

“It's been so long since I dreamed of becoming a lawyer like my roommate,” Dee confided, changing the subject as her voice trailed off.

“I didn't realize you had a roommate. You've never spoken about her. I'm assuming your roommate is female.”

“Are you sure I've never mentioned her?”

“No, I don't recall that,” he said as he perused his notes.

“Hmmm, well, we both graduated from Spelman and then attended Columbia Law School. Together, we graduated in the top ten percent of the class.”

The doctor nodded. “Very impressive, the two of you. Very impressive.”

“Well,
she's
impressive anyway. She went on to become a lawyer, and a darn good one.”

“So, how come she's a lawyer and you're not?”

Dee looked down again and thought about his question. It was so hard to admit the truth. This conversation was becoming very draining. Having to talk about the demons that haunted her was a lot more difficult than she had thought. She paused, reflecting on how she would answer his question. “I just became very disillusioned.”

“Why is that?”

She grinned slightly. “I should have known that you were not going to just let me get away with that answer.”

He smiled back. “You were right.”

“Well, I just decided
not
to become what I
thought
I always wanted to be and instead chose a totally different path.” Dee quit talking for a moment as if she was having difficulty completing her next sentence.

The doctor could sense her uneasiness. “It's okay, just take your time, okay?” he said as he stopped taking notes. He rested his elbows on his knees and leaned in toward her.

Dee nodded and slowly took a deep breath. “When I took on this new path, I became disillusioned again. I felt that I was being questioned and that my real reason for choosing an alternate path was because I was so insecure with who I had become.”

“And your roommate?”

“What about her?”

“How did
she
feel about this sudden change in direction? I mean, you two obviously made a lot of plans together, right?”

Dee didn't want to talk about Pam anymore or even mention her name to him. If Pam knew about the secrets she was keeping, she would be devastated. And Lord only knew that Pam couldn't stand anyone talking about her business, even if it was only Dee.

“Dee, did you hear me?”

“Yes, I did. I don't want to talk about that.”

“I think we should. There is obviously something there that you haven't dealt with, and maybe this will help us understand why you feel like you need to lie.”

Dee exhaled and wiped the perspiration that was streaming down her forehead. She thought about how strained it had been between her and Pam since she'd first told her. She hadn't talked about it since their big blowout almost ten years ago.

Dee's voice started out in almost a whisper. “This is just between you and me, right?”

“Of course it is. It's completely confidential, I can assure you of that,” he said, making a scout's honor sign.

Dee smiled at his sense of humor and felt a little less apprehensive. After all, this was her psychiatrist and she should be able to discuss whatever she wanted with him. Besides, it wasn't like Pam was going to find out.

“Well, at first she was really angry with me, and then she got really furious.”

“Go on.”

“Well, I'm not the only person that she was outraged with. You see, there were
three
of us who had planned to open a law firm one day.”

“Who is the third person?”

“Her name is Amanda.”

“What happened to Amanda? Why didn't she keep her end of the deal?”

“Amanda got pregnant in her senior year in high school.”

“I see.”

“She really struggled through college and tried to hang in there with law school, but raising a child and keeping up with the courses became too much for her.”

“What is Amanda doing now?”

“I'm not sure, but the other day, oddly enough, her daughter was on one of my flights. It has been a while since I've seen Tracey.”

“Why is that?”

“You would have to ask, wouldn't you?” Dee smiled weakly. “Well, when Tracey was born, Amanda asked me to be her godmother. She was always closer to me than my roommate.”

“Oh? Why was that?”

“Because we just got each other, I guess. You know, back then my roommate was soooo intense. Even now I sometimes don't know how she does it. Amanda and I on the other hand, we're a lot more laid back. We wanted to be lawyers, but
she
ate, drank, and slept it. We didn't.”

“I see, so what happened to the relationship between you and Amanda?”

“I moved in with my roommate.” Dee chuckled.

“Huh?”

“I know it sounds crazy. I used to have my own place, and I was trying to save some money to buy a condo. But, with my travel schedule, I wasn't sure if it was the right move for me. So, she and I were talking one day and she said I could move in with her. That way I could save some money and she'd have some company.”

“Okay, so what does this have to do with your relationship and Amanda's?” The doctor was well aware that she was intentionally omitting her roommate's name. But he would get around to that at a later date. Dee was opening up to him and he didn't want to break the momentum.

“Things just got complicated. My roommate had gotten Amanda a job at her law firm. At first it was great because she was working with one of the firm's top partners. And then BOOM! CRASH! My roommate is the attorney she was working for!”

“I take it that was a bad move.”

“The worst! Amanda did not want to come by and visit when my roommate was there because she was giving her a hard time at work. Ultimately, things just got too complicated. I just heard from her daughter recently that Amanda no longer works with the firm, and I haven't spoken with her to confirm anything.”

“So, you and Tracey lost contact because of this?”

“Believe me, it was not my plan, but Amanda started pulling away. She would always have some excuse why we couldn't meet for lunch, or she was too busy to talk when I would call. Then she started making excuses for Tracey as to why we couldn't get together. She had a dance recital, or she was out with friends, etc. It was ridiculous! I just gave her some space and hoped that she would eventually see that just because I was living with her, it wasn't going to change the dynamics of our friendship.”

“But, it did?”

“Yeah, unfortunately.” Dee took a deep breath. “But, at least Tracey and I are in contact again.”

“How do you think Amanda will feel about that once she finds out?”

Dee shrugged her shoulders and barely looked in the doctor's direction. “I hope she's okay with it. After all, I have always loved Tracey. She knows that. I just think that my roommate and Amanda had issues, and for some reason Amanda thought that I was going to side with my roommate. So, she just took the high road without discussing it with me.”

“It sounds like your roommate has a very strong hold on the two of you. You and Amanda both have allowed her to put a wedge between you two. Do you and Amanda feel like you have failed her and feel guilty about it?”

Dee looked down at the floor and nervously started tapping her foot. “Yes,” Dee said softly. “But in her case, she took a heavier blow. She has had three people who were very close to her fail her.”

“Three?”

“I was the first, Amanda was the second, and her fiancé was the third.”

“Okay, let's leave the fiancé and Amanda out of the picture for now and discuss you. Have you thought about how you are going to work out the next part that solely has to do with you?”

Dee tensed up at his words. “What are you talking about?”

“Well, let's start with this,” he said, spreading his hands apart to refer to her situation. “Does your roommate know that you've been pretending to lead the life of someone you're not?”

“Goodness, no! She'd freak! I mean, she's barely able to trust again after her breakup with Greg. She's gotten over me not becoming a lawyer, but if she knew I was doing
this!”
Dee was embarrassed at the thought and hid her face in her hands. “Oh my, I don't even want to think about it,” she whispered.

The doctor looked at her empathetically and stopped taking notes for a minute. “Would it really be that bad?”

Dee took her hands from her face. She was astounded by his question. “Obviously, you don't
know
my roommate…” She could barely finish her sentence. It had been almost three years since she'd had to speak about Pam's ordeal. She was so deep in it that she felt like she had lost a part of herself on that day that Pam's baby died.

“I was with her, you know. It was just a few days after the wedding was called off. Greg had just been indicted for tax fraud and embezzlement. I just remember her screaming like someone was stabbing her. And when I ran into the bathroom to see what was wrong, the baby was lying there between her legs. I called 911 and they took her to the hospital. The doctor called it a spontaneous miscarriage caused by the hazards of emotional stress. After about two days they wanted to send her back home. I told them she had to stay. She was almost comatose. I didn't know what to do with her,” Dee said, shaking her head sadly.

“What about her family?”

“One of her sisters came by to check on her, but the incident between her and Greg was so overwhelming that it sent her mother into the hospital. Her family didn't even know she was pregnant.”

The doctor listened at the anguish in Dee's voice. He could see that this was an agonizing discussion for her, but it was important that he encourage her to get it out.

“So now do you see why I can't tell her? The lies she went through with Greg almost killed her. He lied to her about everything. Money, his business, himself—everything! Finding
this
out
about
me would kill our friendship forever. I just know it.”

The doctor resumed jotting down a few more notes, then folded his hands before speaking. “I can see how you might think that. And I'm inclined to agree with you for now. But, Dee, once you get this monkey off your back, what do you plan on doing? Lies have a way of coming back to haunt all of us, and no matter how hard we try to bury them, the truth always has a way of making it back to the surface.”

“You're right. I do know what I'm doing is not normal.”

“Then why do you think you do it?”

“I think it makes me feel better about myself. I mean, it's almost like I'm living someone else's life and I want to get out of this person and say ‘Hey, I'm a really intelligent woman who can do better for herself financially and career-wise, but I'm trapped in this flight attendant body and can't get out!'” She laughed bitterly.

“Can't get out? Or afraid to get out?” he asked.

Dee thought about what he was asking. The words froze in midair. She remained silent. She walked to the window, placed her hand on the sill and stared out blankly. “I don't know if
afraid
is the right word,” she whispered. She took her time to think about what she was going to say next. “If I were afraid, then I probably wouldn't have agreed to assist this guy with a lawsuit that he has pending.”

“What guy and what lawsuit?” The doctor's eyes widened when he heard this.

“He's a friend of Chris's. You know—the football player.”

“Yes, I remember you talking about him before. He's the one who thinks you're an attorney, right?”

Dee nodded and her embarrassment was reflected on her face. “Yes, he's the one.”

“And tell me more about this lawsuit.”

“I don't know all of the details, but it sounds like some woman's out to make him her baby's daddy,” Dee laughed.

“And he asked if you could represent him?”

“I already know what you're thinking.”

“Good, then I hope you figured out the answer as well.”

Dee stared at the carpet in silence. He knew from her body language that she was not going to give him the answer he wanted.

“I'm just going to talk with him. I do have a law degree, you know.”

The doctor looked at her with a raised eyebrow. “Yes, you do.”