Desperation of Love (26 page)

I’ve made a lot of mistakes where Jordan is concerned. I’ve used her as a scapegoat for my own issues and insecurities. I owe her an apology. I’m very aware of this now, thanks to my sister-in-law, but I can’t go to her yet. I need to be in the right frame of mind for that. I need to let go of all the other baggage I’m carrying around before I turn my focus to getting her back. The only way I’m ever going to do that is to pay a visit to my mother, my adoptive mother, I guess. I don’t even know how to think of her anymore.

My father will always be my dad. He made some horrible choices, but at the end of the day, our relationship is what it is and I’ve always been okay with that. My issues, for as long as I can remember, have always stemmed from my contentious relationship with my mother. As much shit as I’ve given Jordan about allowing her parents mistakes to dictate her life, I’ve come to see that I’m not that much better.

The doorman to her building announces me and I make my way up to her floor. I don’t have to knock on the door. It opens as soon as I get to it. She stands there with a look of relief on her face.

“I was terrified that I might never see you again.”

“Why would you even care?” I hiss, walking past her and into her apartment.

She closes the door and follows me. “Because you’re my son.”

I turn around to face her. “You’re not my mother.”

“I am your mother,” she says with determination. If I didn’t know any better, I’d almost think she believed it.

“Be honest. You never thought of me as your real son. You never treated me the same way you treated Victor.”

She takes a few steps, cutting the distance between us in half. “I let a lot of things get in the way of being a good mother to you. That much is true, but I did love you. I still do. I had my eyes set on the prize, and Victor was the key to that. I lived my dream through him and you were sometimes a deterrent to that. You would distract him, get him into trouble, things that any normal child would do, but I couldn’t see it. I let ambition cloud my judgment and there’s no excuse for that. But I would have treated you the same way if you were my biological son. I can say that much without a doubt.”

“Was it really that important to you?” It’s a silly question, really. She got to live her dream when most people don’t even achieve half of what she was able to do. Sure, she used Victor to do it, but he loved it too for a long time.

“At the time, yes. Now, I wake up most days and hate myself for what I put my family through. Nothing is worth losing a son over.”

“Why then? Why didn’t you just tell me the truth? Tell me that my real mother died.”

“Because I didn’t want you to love a ghost more than you loved me. If I was going to take you in and adopt you, I was going to be your mother, and that’s it.” She goes over to the dining room table, picks up a manila folder and hands it to me. “That will fill in some of the blanks on your real mom for you.”

I sit down and open the folder. The first thing I see is a picture of my real mom. It’s strange to look at this woman who I’ve never known, will never know, but I see myself reflected in her. “I have her eyes,” I say out loud.

She sits down next to me and looks at the picture as if she’s seeing it for the first time. “You do. You have her nose too.”

“Patricia Ferrer?” I ask, looking at the name written under the picture.

“Yes.” She gives me a half smile. “That was her name.”

I browse through the papers, obituary, pictures of her and my dad, the names of her parents. “Are my grandparents still alive?”

“As far as I know. They used to send you birthday cards and presents, but we would never allow them to see you.”

I don’t have to ask why they kept my grandparents from me. It’s pretty self-explanatory. “What about aunts and uncles? Do I have any?”

“No. She was an only child. You should know that she didn’t know your father and I were married. She wasn’t a home wrecker or anything. Her parents wanted you, but legally, they had no rights to you once your father claimed you. They did try to get custody of you but the judge ruled in our favor.”

“Thank you for this.”

She nods. “It’s the least I can do.”

I hesitate for a second, but I opt to tell her how I feel because now I have a better understanding of where she was coming from. “I do love you, you know?”

She puts her head in her hands and lets the tears that she’s been struggling to keep away fall freely. I believe her story, believe that she loved me, but got swept away in her own dreams. I believe that she never meant to hurt me, and because of that, I wrap my arms around her and hold on tight.

“It’s okay, Mom. It’ll take time, but we’ll be okay.”

We stay huddled together like that for a long time. When we finally pull apart, I give her a kiss on the cheek. I have to let it all go. I need to let go of the weight that I’ve been carrying for so long and forget the past mistakes of my family and how they’ve affected me. It’s time to focus on my future now, and I just pray that everything will work out. I say goodbye to my mom, but before I leave, she stops me. “Don’t throw away the love of your life because of your pride.”

“I’m trying to work that out,” I respond, not giving away any more information than I have to.

“It’s not her fault that all of this happened. Maybe I shouldn’t have told her about you, but I thought she needed to know. She wasn’t happy about keeping it from you, but I made her promise. I told her that I would tell you the truth in my own time.”

“I know.”

“There’s nothing she wouldn’t do for you. She’d go up against all of us for you. When you have someone like that, someone who struggles with her own fears and demons, but is still willing to put her issues aside to fight for you, you hold onto that.”

I give her a smile and a nod. “I’ll call you next week. You can come by the house for dinner.”

“I’d love that,” she replies. I walk out the door, finally free of the past that binds me, finally free to grab onto what I want most for my future.

After Alex left me on the beach in tears, I pulled myself together enough to drive back home. I called Victor and told him that I saw Alex and that he was alive and well. I didn’t go into any further detail for fear of ending up in tears on the phone. I made myself a breakfast that consisted of two slices of raisin toast, of which I only ate one, and a glass of orange juice. Then, I took myself upstairs to my bedroom and crawled under the covers where I’ve been ever since. This is how my mom must have felt when my dad left her, broken and alone. I’ve dealt with my own abandonment issues in the past but this, this is just beyond painful. This is what I’ve been avoiding for all these years. I thought I would regret my relationship with Alex if it ended but I don’t. I just miss him. I wish that it would have worked out for the better, but one day with him meant more to me than months with any other man. My eyes are swollen and they hurt, but I wipe away the tears that keep coming. I couldn’t stop them now if I tried. As I allow sleep to claim me, I wonder if there will ever be a time when I don’t hurt for the loss of Alex.

I’m not sure how long I’ve been asleep, but I’m still groggy and it hurts to try and open my eyes. It takes me a minute to register the fact that I’m not alone. Someone is stroking my hair. It’s him. I’d know his touch anywhere. I can’t open my eyes, can’t stand to look at him for fear that it’s all in my mind. I’m afraid I’m so far gone that I’m starting to hallucinate.

“Princess, are you awake?” I hear him ask softly. The sound of his voice tells me that I’m not imagining things. The knowledge that he’s actually here causes a new surge of tears to spring up. I hate myself for having this kind of reaction, for being so weak after battling for so long to be strong. I bury my face in the pillow to hide my discomposure.

“No. Don’t cry,” he says, cupping my chin in his hand and repositioning my face so I have no choice but to look at him. He wipes away my tears with the pad of his thumb. “Look at you. I’ve put you through hell, haven’t I? I’m so sorry.”

“What are you doing here? I thought you hated me.”

“I was angry so I took it out on you, but I’ve never hated you. I never meant to make you believe that. I was wrong to have done that to you.” He begins stroking my hair again, and for the first time in weeks, I see something that I recognize. He’s looking at me the way he did before his world fell apart, with love in his eyes. “I made a lot of mistakes where you’re concerned. I pushed you away and made an impossible situation worse. Can you forgive me?”

A year ago I would have said no. I would have told him to go screw himself and kicked him out of my house, but this isn’t a year ago. Right now, all I can think of is that the door has been burst wide open for reconciliation. All I have to do is seize the opportunity and walk right through it, see what it really feels like on the other side of fear. I nod my head and wipe another tear away. “I love you so much. I missed you,” I whisper.

He smiles wide at me. I can see the relief wash over his face. It’s clear that he was prepared to come here and not have this conversation go his way. “I missed you too. And I love you, Jordan, I really do. But before you decide for sure, there’s something else I need to tell you.”

“What is it?”

“Back at the hospital, when I went back into your dad’s room before the surgery, he told me he knew that he was going to die.”

My eyes go wide and I sit up in bed. “What do you mean he knew he was going to die?”

Alex sits up as well, his back pressed against the headboard with me facing him. “He told me that he couldn’t explain it, but he just had the feeling that he wasn’t going to come out of surgery. He told me that he’d made a lot of mistakes with you, and that he wouldn’t be able to die in peace if I didn’t promise him that I would take care of you.”

I’m crying again now. I have to wonder if there will ever come a time when I won’t be crying. “What did you say?”

“I told him that I would take care of you and I would tell you that he loved you.”

I nod my head. “Thank you for telling me that.”

“You’re not mad at me for not telling you sooner? I wanted to. I just didn’t want to make his death any harder on you than it already was.”

“I get that. You were trying to protect me. It’s the same reason I didn’t tell you about your mom. I’m not mad at you, just sad for him because he had to go into that knowing that he would never see his family again. I’m glad you were able to give him peace.”

“That’s just it though. I failed him. I haven’t looked after you. I did the exact opposite.”

“It’s okay. You’re here now, right?”

He smiles. “I am.”

“And you forgive me, too?”

“Nothing to forgive, babe. I was an asshole,” he says. He knows that I’m seeking reassurance and he does his best to give it to me.

“But you came back for me,” I whisper.

“I had to come back for you,” he says, tugging at my hair. “You’re my brat.”

I move quickly and straddle him. “Just don’t leave me again,” I say, wrapping my arms around him and burying my face in the crook of his neck.

“Never.”

I look down at him, knowing that there’s more to be said before we can fully be happy together. I have to fill in the missing pieces to the puzzle, give him all the reasons why I’ve lived the way I have for so long. “I have something else to tell you.”

“You do?” he says, pushing my hair out of my face.

“I do. Before we can move forward, you need to know all of me. It’s the main reason why I’ve been such a mess at this whole love thing.”

“Okay.”

“When I was nineteen, Elle and I decided that we wanted to spend the summer abroad. There was this language arts program and every summer they organized a month long trip to Italy. Of course, my parents were all for it. They always gave me everything I wanted. I had been hounding my mother and father for a copy of my birth certificate for days so I could apply for my passport, but they were busy with work and kept forgetting. So, one morning while they were gone, I went through my mom’s personal files.”