Desire (6 page)

He said this place was sound proof, that they spared no expense. I don’t know how that is possible. Someone has to be hearing this. What if they call the police? What am I going to say? How am I going to convince them to not hurt this madman screaming in the fetal position, surrounded by whips and chains, clamps and jewels, leather and metal
all stained with his blood?

“I don’t want your fucking pity!” he screams as I crawl toward him.

“You never said good morning,” I whine, trying to sound needy and hopefully getting his attention. “You never gave me a hug.” Beautiful, dumfounded eyes stare up at me. “Yeah, I still want you. You can’t get rid of me that easily.” His face contorts like he’s going to finally let himself cry instead of rage, but I know that he won’t. Bloody hands stain my shirt as he pulls me into his lap and buries his face in my shoulder. “I’m exhausted,” I whisper, nuzzling into his neck. “I don’t feel very well, I really need more sleep.”

“Me too,” he mumbles.

“Please take me to bed. Hold me. I’m way too tired for sex right now, we only slept for a few hours.” It’s not even a lie.

With a deep breath, he lifts me into the air
and carries me out of this hellhole, shutting the door behind him with his foot. I hope it never opens again. He won’t let me be the big spoon or even turn to face him, but his breathing evens out as I bring his hands up to my lips and kiss every wound that leaves a coppery taste on my lips. Hopefully he won’t fight me when I get a chance to clean them.

He’s out like a light, but I couldn’t be more awake. My movement disturbs what appears to be a relatively peaceful sleep and he groans when I leave.
After several attempts, I’m finally able to turn the knob but I can’t go back inside for a few minutes. A bomb went off in here. Quietly, I begin sifting through the rubble for the twisted treasures, rehearsing what I should say to the authorities that are bound to show up at the door.

They don’t come. The box is almost as full as it was before, but I only found one of those ruby nipple rings. I’m far too exhausted to look for the other one.

3

Isaac

“No!”

Maya. My pulse is racing and my eyes are open, but I’m not exactly sure where I am. Holy shit my hands hurt. Remembering why wakes me up pretty quick. When my eyes focus on her, I’m already trying to
rouse her by gently stroking her hair, which clearly isn’t enough.

Her groaning is sort of freaking my shit right now because I can’t figure out if it’s one of her horny noises or one of her fearful noise.
Then I remember that those aren’t mutually exclusive and I understand her completely.

“Maya!” I shout, shaking her
by the shoulders.

She
’s trembling in my arms, but she’s awake, her confused eyes meeting mine. But her breathing, I can read that so well. She was about to come. Should I pretend I was touching her in my sleep? Even though I’m sure she’d appreciate the excuse, I wouldn’t be able to do that. At this point it doesn’t matter because she can already tell that I know and she’s hiding her face in shame.

What the fuck do I say? Probably nothing, so I’ll try holding her tighter. She doesn’t like it. Fuck. Finding myself at such a loss, I try to think of what she would do because… shit. Maya probably
gets confused like this all the time because of me. I’ve got to pull my shit together. I’ve got to keep my head in the game. I’m supposed to be the fucking Coach here, she’s just a Rookie.

“Hey, look at me. I need to tell you something.” Well, that was quicker than I expected, I was hoping for at least
a few seconds before I was actually staring into her eyes because I still need to come up with something to say. “Me too,” I blurt out automatically, covering her confused face with kisses that I hope she finds comforting. “It was just a dream, baby.”

Her first breath is a relieved sigh but that quickly turns into sobbing. It’s getting easier to hold her while she cr
ies. I don’t get angry and anxious anymore, I just feel… motivated. Yeah that’s a good word. Determined. Protective. I don’t like her sobbing, but I sure do like that feeling. I need it.

She’s calming down and starting to drift
off again, but I can’t let her fall asleep right now. What if she doesn’t make any noise and she’s just stuck in there. Newly formed scabs on my knuckles tear open when I sit up and bring her into my lap. She’s so fucking tiny and she isn’t eating nearly enough calories to keep up with all the sex. It barely feels like I’m carrying her. I hate it when these bastards want them this skinny. It’s not fucking healthy.

Neither one of us wants to hear the television right now. I’m not sure what to say to break the silence.

“Are you hungry?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Do you want to try to make the perfect biscuits again anyway? I think I know what went wrong last time.”

“Yeah,
okay,” she whispers, her body relaxing as she pulls herself closer into mine.

I’ll have to give in to the compulsion to hold her for a little while here before we get up. I love it when she tries to hide from the world in my arms. It makes me feel invincible because I’m sure that she feels safe. I wish that wasn’t an illusion. I’ll keep pretending that I’m the only one of us that knows the truth for just one precious minute longer.

4

Maya

I take a big bite out of the best biscuit I’ve ever had. He really nailed it this time. “These are perfect.”

“Thanks.” His bloody knuckle
s catch my eye as he eats. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“You don’t have to apologize to me, Isaac.”

“I’m not sorry that I did it. I actually feel a lot better.”

“I’ll help you put it back together. I found
most of the jewelry.”

“You went back in there?”

“Yeah. I was paranoid someone would see it.”

“It won’t look odd to leave the playroom
wrecked like that when we leave. I’ve done that before.”

“You have?”

He nods. “Your nightmares have been pretty bad the last few days. You said you didn’t remember them.”

“I lied.”

“What are you dreaming about?”

“Don’t. Please.”

“I need to know how violent he is with you.”

“He doesn’t hit me or anything like that. He’s
just a pushy asshole in bed.” I search his face for his usually angry reaction, but it isn’t there. “How long do we get to stay here, Isaac?”

“Three days. Any sooner and it won’t look right.”

“Okay.” Now I’m the one that isn’t reacting normally, waiting for the panic that overwhelms me whenever I think about this ending.

“I was always going to cut if off around Day 24 anyway. It wouldn’t make sense to Luke if you made it through the last week.”

“I would have if you didn’t. That was supposed to be pretty screwed up, if he thought I did some of that...”

“He won’t. I’m going to fall on the sword for a lot of this and make it look like I was too soft on you
. And you’re not allowed to worry about me. I can sell it,” he says with such authority I’m not even tempted to argue.

“
I’m going to miss you like crazy, but I’m kind of ready for this to be over.”

“Yeah, me too.
Maybe it would be better if you left sooner to go see your brother. I’ll cover for you.”

“I thought we had three days?” I
whine, finally getting a smile out of him.

“We do, but… I don’t really trust myself around you right now.”

“Isaac, you would never—”

“Hurt you? Yes, Maya, I would. We are getting torn apart and
that hasn’t quite sunk in yet. When it does, I am going to get extremely… territorial. Possessive. And very, very angry. I can feel it coming. I’m not going to let myself fuck you when I’m like that, it’s too dangerous.”

“I can handle it.”

“Well, I can’t. I’m sort of hanging by a thread here.”

I knew he couldn’t have recovered so soon. He needs a break. “So we won’t have sex then,” I suggest. Isaac looks at me warily. “What, you think I don’t want you without it?”

“Something like that, yeah.”

The urge to reassure him is overwhelming. I get up and walk behind hi
s chair, wrapping my arms around his shoulders to hug him tightly. “I’m not leaving you until I have to. Sex isn’t all we are, Isaac,” I murmur, kissing his cheek. “We never got around to that 80’s movie marathon.” He breathes out a laugh and reaches up to toy with my fingers. “And there’s quite a long list of food you promised to make for me.”

“Yeah, there is,” he whispers, leaning his head back into my neck.

“I want to stay as long as we can.”

“Me too.”

“Is snuggling off the menu, too?”

“That will never come off the menu
.”

Rising from his chair, he turns around and scoops me into his arms, carrying me to our cuddle chair. I’m expecting to ignore his erection, but
I notice it isn’t there once I settle into his lap. That’s never happened before and I hope he doesn’t mistake my concern for disappointment. My own arousal is also absent. I have a thousand questions I need to ask him. I’m ready to hear the master plan that will keep me safe from Luke’s rage. I want to know if he has some way for us to be together after Luke lets me go. And most of all, I need to know if he’s okay, because I’ve never seen his face so lost before, or his eyes this sad, and he only holds me this close when he’s inside of me. Some of the scabs on his knuckles have reopened and I want to bandage them.

But I can’t say a word, I don’t want to push him. He asks me what I want to watch and I pick out something funny. It takes a while, but he starts to laugh and so do I.
We’re practically experts at ignoring the inevitable to take pleasure in the present.

********

I can’t believe I’m leaving tomorrow. Isaac has been pretty quiet the last two days, but he’s almost back to normal. He slept a lot as usual. He finally confirms my suspicions that he was an insomniac before coming here, even with the pills, and he probably has a massive sleep debt.

If he wasn’t so depressed, the lack of sex would actually be a treat. It’s ironic really, this entire time he’s supposedly been resisting the urge to fuck me
. Now that he has the official go ahead to do whatever he wants, we’ve just been lounging out in pajamas watching movies and eating so much we’d be too stuffed to have sex anyway. Although in a way, I guess that is doing whatever he wants. Normal is his kink after all.

But it’s time to talk now. I can’t wait anymore. He’s been cooking up more than food the last few days and I need to know the plan. It’s just so hard to bring up.

“Isaac,” I murmur, locking eyes with him as he turns from the sink after dinner. I don’t even have to ask, he must be able to see it on my face.

“Okay,” he sighs, leaning forward to kiss my forehead. He gestures for me to sit down
at the table and takes the seat across from me, which is unusually far away for us. Not a good sign. “I need to ask you a few things.”

No,
I
need to ask
him
a million questions that I’ve been holding back for days. “Me too.”

“I know. But I’m not really in the mood for an interrogation.”

“I don’t want to interrogate you, Isaac.”

“Yes
, you do, Maya,” he shoots back. I sigh. We haven’t just been avoiding this conversation because it’s bound to make at least one of us very anxious. This will turn into a fight, possibly a big one. “The difference is, you don’t need to know anything about me to keep me safe. I do.”

“That’s not fair.”

“But it is true.”

I start to argue back, but I can’t come up with any
thing to say. He’s right. “Fine,” I concede. “I’ll answer your questions. But I’m tired of being in the dark. What’s the plan so far?”

“It’s pretty simple. I tell you what to do and you listen to me.”
His voice reminds me of the Isaac I met when I first came here, the one that always wore a mask. He doesn’t sound like himself at all.

“Why are you talking to me like this?”

His face contorts and falls into his hands. Without a word, he gets up and heads to his room, probably to take something. He’s gone so long I decide to go get him, but then I hear a loud thud come down the hallway, another sound I haven’t heard for a while. Dammit, I thought we’d moved past this. I guess we just took a break.

“Let’s try this again,” he says, reappearing with a forced smile.
At least he’s trying to be nice. “I’m not going to lie and say the controlling aspects of my personality aren’t flaring up. But that’s not all it is. I don’t want you to worry about anything if you don’t have to. I’m going to take care of it, you don’t need to have it in your head.”

“
Then you don’t understand how my head works, Isaac. Because not knowing is way,
way
more stressful for me. I’m not built to blindly follow orders, I thought we figured that out together.”

“Were you like th
is with Luke? Would you have trusted his judgment without questioning him like you’re questioning me?”

So that’s what this is about.
“I can’t think of a similar situation, but if you’re asking me if I just listened to whatever he said, then no, I didn’t. And when I did, it was because I was afraid of him. Is that the way you want me to feel about you?”

He shakes his head no. “You should be afraid of me. You always should have been, but you weren’t. I want to promise you that I’ll let you go once you figure out how bad I am for your life, but I can’t. I will try, though.”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit.”

“I’m not sure who I am anymore. It’s like there
are two people in here. The nice guy, the sweet one who likes to laugh while he fucks you gently… you’re the only one who’s ever seen him. It’s been easy for him to win out over the monster in me in this happy little bubble, but once we’re gone I don’t think it will work like that. The shy guy that falls apart every time he looks at you, the one you fell in love with, he’s not going to be able to protect you.”

“Everyone has two people battling inside of them, Isaac. You’re not as weird as you think. Just a little more intense, an
d I like that. I love you. That is not going away. And if you think you’re going to be a monster when you fall into my arms after not seeing me for a month, you’re going to be pleasantly surprised.”

“
They both love you. Just in very different ways. And one of them doesn’t really care if you’re scared of me if that means you’ll listen.”

“Well, lucky for you, I do trust your judgment
a lot more than mine in this situation, so hopefully it won’t be an issue. But we will lose what we have between us if it turns into you barking orders and me cowering. So let’s compromise.” I take a deep breath. “You can have the final word about the getting rid of Luke stuff,” I agree reluctantly, ignoring that tilted smile that crosses his face. “Most of the time, as often as I can stand it,” I grumble. That just made him cockier and way, way hotter. I refuse to get turned on right now. “But I get to ask a lot of questions about what you’re doing and where you’re going and you are really going to try to answer them, especially about
her
, without using my anxiety as an excuse to be evasive.”

He rolls his eyes at me. “That’s quite a catch. You’re lucky that you are, too.”

“You found out you that you can be a sweet, loving boyfriend while you were here? Well, I found out that I can be a really possessive bitch.”

“
Do not use that word
,” he snaps.

“It is extremely accurate. Do not tell me what to do.”

“Maya.” He takes a deep breath, but it doesn’t do much to cool his temper. “I think we’re going to learn a lot more about each other soon, so here’s a fun fact about me. I have a very low tolerance for sexist language. You know why. That word in particular is a pressure point for me. I don’t want to hear it in your voice ever again.”

Well shit. How am I supposed to argue with him about that? But his tone is really pissing me off
and the fact that it makes my clit throb is so frigging annoying. “That won’t be a problem, it’s not a favorite of mine. But knock it off with the commands. They’re a pressure point for me.”

“Oh, I know they are,” he smirks.
He has a lot of nerve.

“Don’t make me say red, Isaac.” Now that snapped him out of it, that arrogant grin falling away in a heartbeat as his eyes fill with guilt. “Don’t ruin the game. That isn’t who we are. That isn’t what you want, even if your
ego does.”

“Fuck,” he whispers.

“And it most certainly isn’t what I want.”

“I know. Sorry.”

I can’t help but smile. My boyfriend’s back and I’m not going to be in trouble. “It’s okay. So what do you want to know?”

“
This little exchange told me quite a bit, actually. Luke is extremely controlling with his girls, but he isn’t that way with you, is he?”

“Not really, no
, especially considering what he’s into. I mean, he made a lot of decisions. How often we saw each other, where we went when we did, that sort of thing. But he never told me what to do, where to go, who to hang out with, or anything like that.”

“
That is very surprising.”

“
The stuff he wanted was fun to do,” I confess, wounding Isaac. “Outside of bed, I mean. He paid for everything, he was older, he lived in a different world and I was usually excited to visit. It wasn’t hard to get along with him at all.”

“So you didn’t fight a lot?”

“No. Practically never.”

“Did you spend a lot of time together?”

“No. He’s a workaholic, so am I. We were lucky to see each other maybe two nights a week. I typically got one weekend a month.”

“Until you started doing the submissive thing, right?”

“Yeah. And that started over winter break, so my schedule was wide open.”
Like my legs.

Isaac’s jealousy flares visibly and I do my best to hid
e a cocky smile of my own. “What about the summer before that?”

“We actually worked together, sort of.
I took an internship at his firm in their legal department to help me figure out if I wanted to go into the field.”