Desire (25 page)

“I kn
ow,” I lie. It’s the total opposite for me, the end is so close I can taste it.

“Can we just
leave the door open?”
No
. “In a year or so… this will be farther away, just a blip on the radar. It will be easier to start over, to find our way back. I mean, who knows what could happen, right? We’ve taken long breaks like that before.”

It’s the best I’m going to get.
“Yeah, we can do that.”

“Okay.
We’re officially on a break again.” He nods, breathing raggedly as he gives me a sad smile and squeezes my hands. “You take care of yourself, kiddo.”

“You too,” I whisper.

“And you call me if you need anything, understand?
Anything
.”

I try to tell him that I will even though I won’t, but he pulls m
y face into his and kisses me. Not rough and demanding, but sweet and tender just like he used to, running his thumb over my cheek as his arm wraps around my waist to dip me backwards. This is how I got into this fucked up situation, I remember now. I have really missed him. I resist the automatic urge to kiss him back too hard. That guy I used to sneak off with when no one was looking is gone. Forever. This kiss is just an echo.

Head held high, h
e walks out my door, hopefully for the last time. I shut it behind him and lean my forehead against the cool surface, breathing deeply for a few seconds. I have to look at Isaac’s eyes now. I can only imagine what he’s thinking, what he’s feeling.

When I turn around, Isaac is
standing in my bedroom door with a completely flabbergasted expression. “Fifteen?” he asks quietly, eyes narrowing. I nod back sheepishly. “Were you ever going to mention that?”

“I tried.”

“You could have tried harder.”

“I’m really sorry.”

“You’re really sorry? Are you fucking kidding me?” he snarls. “I needed to know that. This is a lot more complicated than I thought.”

“I know,” I peep.
“That’s why I didn’t say anything.”

“Are you still in love with him?”

“No,” I answer quickly. “Isaac, no. Not at all.”

“But you were for
a long, long time, weren’t you?”

“I’m not really sure anymore.”

“Oh, but you’re
sure
that you don’t have any feelings left for him now?”

“I am.”

“Seven fucking years!” he shouts, striding over to the coat rack and grabbing his jacket.

“I
t wasn’t like that, we hardly ever saw each other for the first five. I dated other people, it’s not what you think,” I explain as his hand rests on the doorknob. “Isaac, wait. Please. We have to talk about this.”

“Yeah, we do.
Two fucking months ago!
” he roars.

“Please don’t leave,” I squeal, grabbing his arm. He rips it away.

“I can’t handle being around you right now, Maya. I need to process this.”

“Isaac!”

But the sound of the slamming door muffles my plea. He’s gone. They both are. Despite my best efforts, I am a hysterical wreck by the time Piper gets home, blubbering out the whole story before she gets a word in. She was going to meet some guy at some gym, but she insists on staying home with me instead. I calm down a few hours later and call Isaac, but he doesn’t pick up. It’s too risky to give into the urge to call and call and call until he finally answers in case something is wrong. How am I supposed to fall asleep wondering where he is and who he’s with? He wouldn’t get so angry that he’d have revenge sex with her, would he?
Anybody but her, please
. I play WoW until four in the morning, hoping that he’ll log on. He doesn’t.

24

Maya

I almost trip scrambling to get to the secret phone when it finally rings. It’s been two days and he was supposed to visit me on both of them. “Isaac?” I answer breathlessly.

“Hi.”

“I’m so sorry,” I squeal, bursting into tears immediately. I cover my mouth so he doesn’t hear it.

“Me too. I shouldn’t have left you hanging like that.”

“Will you come over?”

“Are you crying?”

“Not really,”
I fib, even though I obviously am. “It’s not your fault. I was just so worried about you. About us. Are we okay?”

“Yes.
Of course we are.”

“But you didn’t answer
. What if something happened, what if he came back and—”

“I knew you were
okay, I’d never leave you—” He stops himself. That doesn’t make any sense. How would he know? “I figured you’d call a few times in a row if something really bad happened,” he explains, but there’s something off in his voice. He is keeping something from me.

“Are you done with me?”

“Maya,
no.
Calm down, baby. We are fine, I just needed to cool off.”

“That’s all I needed to know,” I
mumble. “You don’t have to talk to me. Take your time, I’ll be here.”

“Fuck that, I need to see you. I was going to tell you to meet me somewhere, but I don’t want you driving upset.”

“I’ll pull myself together. I’ll meet you wherever you want.”

“I’ll be at your place in an hour. Ehhh, better make that two, just to be safe.”

“Okay.”

“Hey. Stop crying, I’m not that pissed off, I just had to think. We’re fine. I love you.”

“Love you too.”

At least I have enough time to take a shower, something I haven’t had the will to do since I last saw him. Cleaning up
my room wouldn’t hurt, either. But it takes
forever
for him to get here, every time I look at the clock I can’t believe how little time has passed. That knock is music to my ears and it’s fifteen minutes early. I moan pathetically when I see him, sobbing as I throw my arms around his neck.

“I’m sorry, this is really shitty of me. I have no right to be crying right now.”

He breathes out the start of a dismissive laugh, kissing my temple. “Do we seriously need to have the right to have any emotional response talk again?”

“Maybe,” I squeak, letting go so he can actually walk in the house. Is that an overnight bag?

“How was school?”

“Okay, I guess.”

“Are you hungry?”

“A little bit.”

“When was the last time you ate?”

“Recently…”
I answer vaguely, looking at the ground and shifting on my toes.

He closes his eyes, rolling his lips together to suppress a smile. “How am I supposed to stay mad at you when you’re so fucking cute? Get over here.”

Pulling me into his arms, he skims his fingers across the nape of my neck and rests his forehead against mine. I peck the end of his nose and apologize a dozen times and try to explain until he presses his finger to my lips. Junior insists that he acknowledges her presence loudly and we both laugh.

“Don’t you want to talk about it?”

“Of course we need to fucking talk about it. Sit down,” he orders, gesturing to the couch. “What the hell was that, Maya? I was completely fucking blindsided, I can’t believe you kept that one from me. That was
critical
fucking information.”

“I know.”

“You started dating when you were fifteen? That would have made him, what, 27?”

“
Yeah, he was 27. But we didn’t start dating, we just… slept together. And, um, I was
almost
fifteen.”

“
You were fourteen? That is so fucked up.”

“
Looking back, yeah, a little.”
Not more fucked up than you and Gloria.

“Did he…”

“No. It was consensual.” That’s only half true. “Well, for the most part,” I add quietly.

Isaac blinks at me in disbelief. “For the most part? Maya… what the fuck happened. Gory details.” I hesitate. “
Now
.”

“It wasn’t that big of a deal,” I
tell him, fidgeting with a loose thread on the couch. I really hate this memory, I never think about it because it’s so vivid. Isaac seems guilty when he sees my anxiety, he must have just remembered how my stupid computer brain works. “We were at Piper’s parents’ lake house, which is huge. He was flirting with me across the table all through dinner and when he got up to leave, he motioned for me to follow him. And I did. There were a lot of people around and most of them were drinking, nobody noticed we were gone.”

T
hat’s not entirely true. Gloria noticed. She winked at me and distracted Piper’s mom just in time. “We were just supposed to make out, well, I guess I just assumed that. We were kissing, it’s not like we discussed it or anything. I got a little nervous when he pulled my top off because I was wearing a ridiculously padded bra and there wasn’t much, you know? He looked a little disappointed, but we just went back to making out for a while and when he stuck his fingers inside me…”

I shudder, drawing in a ragged breath. Isaac scoots closer to me on the couch. “Baby, it’s not actually happening.”

“But that’s what it feels like it for me, though. It’s hard to explain, like I’m in two places at once.”

“I would not put you through this if it wasn’t
extremely
important, okay? I’m not punishing you or anything.”

“Okay,” I whisper, wrapping my arms around my chest as I lean away. It’s disconcerting
to have him touch me right now and I’m so thankful he doesn’t make me say it out loud, withdrawing his hand from my shoulder. “So he pushed them in suddenly and pretty roughly. It didn’t really hurt, it was more of a shock, um, for both of us apparently. He asked if I was a virgin and I told him no and…” I swallow, blinking as little as possible because I don’t want to only be there. “He got so pissed off. I was really confused and started to say something, but it… happened really fast and… okay it wasn’t actually that quick, but he was really, really sweet and snuggly when it was over.”

“Maya… I’m
so sorry.” Slowly, he inches his hand toward mine on the couch. “I don’t understand how you can see that as remotely consensual.”

“Well, I went with him, I knew we were going to do something. I didn’t say no and…” I bring my knees to me chest and hide my face. “I, um, liked it.”

“It does not seem like you enjoyed that at all.”

“I
mean I… had an orgasm,” I confess.

Isaac inhales sharply and I peek ove
r at him through my hair. “Maya, that is not a form of consent. That is a physical response that you have no control over. People have orgasms when they get… like that all the time. It’s very common.”

“
No, that can’t be right. Some part of you has to be enjoying it, something in you wants it.”

“
Please trust me when I say that’s not true,” he whispers, and a chill creeps across the back of my neck. “You laugh when you get tickled, but that doesn’t mean you enjoy it or that you want it to happen.”

I sit up
. It’s like a light bulb just flipped on. That makes so much sense to me. “That’s a very,
very
good analogy. That is exactly what it feels like.”

“Yeah… I know.” His hand inches away. “
You dream about this, don’t you?” he asks quietly and I nod back. “Does he do it a lot?”

“It happens all the time.” His eye
s widen. “I mean with him,” I clarify to his relief. “It, um, seems like he does it on purpose. He gets a kick out of it, almost like it’s funny. I don’t want to do something, but he does it anyway and I get off, so I can’t make a big deal out of it afterwards.”

Isaac swallows loudly, gritting his teeth as he runs his hand through his hair. “Maya… that shit is not okay. At all.”

“I’m not a victim here.
I stayed with him,” I reply, trying not to get defensive “I knew stuff like that would happen, but I still went over there. It’s not yes or no, it’s more like a sliding scale.”

“Okay,
maybe
I can understand that interpretation now, but not when you were that young and inexperienced, no fucking way. And that confusion obviously set up a pattern for the rest of your relationship, didn’t it?”

“I guess.”

“How well did you know him when that happened?”

“Um… we flirted with each other a few times that summer, but I met him when I was ten.”

“
Ten?
” Isaac’s eyes flare.

“He didn’t do anything, I swear. But we kind of had a moment.”

“It is official now,” he growls. “I am going to fucking kill him.”

“Not that kind of a moment. Geez, I’m not that disconnected from reality.”

“Sorry, but I need you to prove that to me,” he says reluctantly.

“It’s not a difficult memory.” It’s actually still one of my favorites, but I don’t need to be that specific
. I’ve put him through enough. “Luke had only been out of college for a year and already made his firm a shit ton of money. Um… someone brought him by to show him off and—”

“That someone was my father, wasn’t he?”

“Yes. Anyway, I was sneaking around listening to the grownups. Luke wasn’t there, but I saw him spying on the group from two decks above them and he saw me hiding in the bushes. He smiled at me and put his fingers to his lips to say ‘shhh’. They were talking about how awesome he was, but then they made fun of him, well, his family, his upbringing. He looked
devastated
, they were being so awful. You know how petty rich people can be when they’re threatened.”

He rolls his eyes and snorts. “Yes, I do.”

“Then Piper started having one of her fits. She was screaming and throwing stuff, including a
lit
candle, which went through the window into the middle of where they were sitting. She was fighting with Ashlyn, that’s why I was hiding to begin with. Her father got up and everyone followed him. I was just so mad. Luke was really cute and he actually talked to me which none of them ever did. He was watching me, I sort of wanted to impress him and get a little revenge on his behalf. So I took the hose and sprayed all the chairs so their butts would get wet when they came back. And I put a dead beetle that I had in my pocket in your dad’s drink because he said the meanest things.”

“You were just carrying around a dead beetle?”

“Yeah, it was a big one too with super spiky legs and everyone laughed at him when he almost swallowed it. And their butts did get really wet, but nobody said anything. They all just sat there looking uncomfortable.”

“Maya,” he chuckles. “
Please stop being so fucking adorable.”

I bite my lip.
“The next morning, Piper’s cousins were making fun of me and Luke was around. And then, okay, looking back, this is pretty fucked up, but at the time it was
awesome.
Later on that day, he totally tripped her cousin Steve while he was carrying his lunch. It went everywhere and
no one
believed him when he said Luke did it. Because what kind of grownup trips a twelve year old? Steve wouldn’t drop it, so he ended up getting in even more trouble and he couldn’t go swimming that day. He had to stay inside with his grandfather and watch some lame ass World War II movie.”

“Do you always sound like a kid when you relive childhood memories?”

“Yeah, actually, I do sort of regress and tell it from whatever perspective I remember it.”

“
Did anything else happen at the fucked up lake house I should know about?”

Yes.
“I don’t think so. Those were the only two times I saw him there. And your father wasn’t around the second time, by the way. Luke was working for someone else by then.”

“When did you actually start
dating?”

“He kept in touch after we had sex, online mostly. I was kind of hung up him. We secretly started seeing each other when I was seventeen. It lasted a few months, but he
got bored and broke up with me. A year later when I was out of high school, we almost started dating officially, but he got flack for me being so young, so it went back to secret. Well, until Piper freaked out when she realized that we were still together, and she doesn’t know about that first time by the way, so keep that one to yourself please because she would feel horrible. We decided to wait a year, but he was with someone then. That didn’t stop him from seeing me a lot. They broke up for unrelated reasons, he assured me, and we started dating when I was twenty.”

“You know who that was, right?”

“No, actually. He wouldn’t tell me.”

Isaac
winces like he’s afraid I’ll react badly. “Christina.”