Derailed (20 page)

“Maybe a little too much testosterone,” Shayna added.

“Do you want to shoot some pool?” Ben asked. “It looks like a table is about to open.”

“Sure, I haven’t played in ages.” I played during college a bit, but I had barely gone out over the past year.

“I’m up for it.” Gavin pretended he was included in the invitation.

“Let’s play teams,” Shayna suggested.

Tom pointed to Shayna. “She’s a good partner, Gavin. Trust me.”

We walked over and claimed the table. Gavin broke, and I grabbed a cue.

“You said you hadn’t played in a while. Do you need a refresher?” Ben asked from right behind me. I remembered when he’d first taught me to play at the table in his basement. We didn’t stay focused on pool for long back then. I had to think about my answer. I didn’t want to make Gavin more uncomfortable, but I realized Ben was trying to stake his claim. Ben’s feelings seemed more important at the moment. Besides, there was no reason to leave Gavin with the wrong idea.

“I suppose a little help can’t hurt.”

Ben’s arms came around me as he lined my body up to his. “Remember it’s all about the positioning.”

I called a bank shot to the corner pocket and watched as I sunk the ball.

“Good job, baby,” Ben cooed in my ear. I had a feeling he was looking right at Gavin.

I sank one more ball, but then missed the third.

Shayna dominated, getting shot after shot, doing a little triumphant jig each time. My sister was such a ham sometimes.

The game moved quickly. Gavin got perpetually more frustrated as Ben constantly found an excuse to touch me.

By the time we finished the game, I knew I had to talk to Gavin. He deserved it.

“Gavin, do you have a second?”

Ben tensed beside me.

“Sure,” Gavin answered, handing his cue to the pair ready to claim our table.

“I’ll be right back,” I told Ben and Shayna. Ben didn’t look happy, but Shayna placed a reassuring hand on his arm. She understood what I was doing.

I followed Gavin out to the parking lot.

“I’m sorry. He can be like that.”

“It’s all right. I’d be doing the same thing if I were him. Besides, I owe you apology for the other night. I know I said some things I shouldn’t have.”

“It’s okay,” I reassured him. “No harm done.”

“But I have to know. What’s going on with you two? Are you still just ‘keeping it casual’?”

“We’re going to see where it goes.”

“I see.”

I swallowed, trying to find the right words. “I just don’t want things to be awkward. We’re still going to be seeing quite a bit of each other with the wedding and all.”

“We’ll likely be seeing each other long after that, unless you aren’t sticking around.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” I said confidently.

“Good. By the way, a smile looks nice on you.”

“Thanks.”

“So, we should probably get back inside before Ben comes after us.”

“That’s probably a good idea,” I agreed.

“But if for some reason things don’t work out with Ben, I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’ll remember that.” I gave a small smile before we walked back inside.

Relief passed over Ben’s face when I walked back over and leaned up against him. His arm came around me immediately, as did a light kiss on my forehead. “Everything okay?”

I noticed that Shayna had wandered off to catch up with some more friends. Kelly and Tom were in their own little world. “Yeah, I just wanted to make sure Gavin knew that you and I are together now.”

“I figured, and that was the nice thing to do. If it were up to me, I probably would have done something less polite.”

“Yeah, I bet. He’s not a bad guy, just not the guy for me.”

Ben leaned in to whisper in my ear. “There’s no way you can come home with me tonight is there?”

“No. Shayna’s only here for the weekend. I need to spend it with her.”

“I get it. But that doesn’t mean I won’t miss you. You’ll call me if the nightmares are too bad, right?”

I refused to lie to him. “Probably not, but it’s nice to know I can if I need to.”

“I’ll take it, but only because after this weekend you’re spending all your nights with me.”

“That sounds good.”

“Because it is good.”

Shayna and I left a little while later. Ben kissed me goodbye in a more public display then I was used to, but Gavin had already left, so I wasn’t worried about upsetting anyone.

We headed home fully intending to go straight to bed, but somehow we stayed up for hours talking over ice cream. I really couldn’t remember a time when we’d talked so openly. Shayna sounded incredibly happy. She loved her job, and being a mom seemed to really fulfill her. Although her husband could be pretentious sometimes, he made her happy and that was all that mattered. The more she opened up about herself, the easier it was for me to be real with her.

“I saw your camera out on the counter. Does that mean you’re getting into photography again?”

“Yeah, I think being here brought that side of me back. It feels good.”

“Art can sometimes be a form of therapy, you know.” She handed me the carton of ice cream, licking off her spoon before she could make a mess.

“Dad used to say that.” I thought about the hours Dad spent down in his darkroom in the basement. As a little girl, I’d watched him develop his photos. He bought me my first camera at seven, and it was the one thing we really had in common. I remember how crazy he thought I was when I decided to start taking digital pictures—but eventually he understood that it was an art form in itself.

“Is it weird for you to be here, knowing he’s gone? It’s always weird for me.”

“Weird isn’t the right word.” I took a spoonful of ice cream, choosing my words carefully. “It started off painful, but now I almost feel closer to him, if that makes sense.”

“It makes sense. He’d be impressed by how strong you are.”

I laughed dryly, putting the carton with my spoon on the side table. “You mean he’d be disappointed in how much of a failure I am.”

“That’s not true.”

“Don’t mess with me, Shayna. I’m twenty-two, have no idea what I’m doing with my life, and I’m living in our parents’ house.”

She curled up her legs under her. “But you’re living and breathing. You made it through something terrible, and you’re finding your way.”

“Whatever you say.” I wrapped myself up in a blanket. “He still wouldn’t be proud. But you know what? No matter what I did, it never would have been good enough for him.”

“Don’t say that. He was always proud of you. He was only tough because he wanted what was best for you.”

“I wish he didn’t die hating me.”

“What?” She sat up and moved close to me. “Dad didn’t hate you. Mom told me all about your fight, but that didn’t mean anything. He loved you, Mol.”

The tears started, and I couldn’t stop them. I fell into the hug Shayna offered.

“I’m a mom now. I can tell you on good authority that a parent’s love for their children really is unconditional. You meant the world to him, and nothing could have changed that.”

Shayna’s words should have comforted me, but my guilt over his death wasn’t something that could be healed easily.

“I’m glad Ben is making you happy.” She eased the conversation into less emotional territory.

“Yeah, me too.”

We talked about Ben for a while before we went upstairs to bed. I’d never felt so close to Shayna before. Maybe we were going to have that adult sibling relationship my mom had sworn we’d have one day.

We spent the rest of the weekend in much the same way: catching up on each other’s lives and just enjoying being together. It was the most time either of us had spent at the beach in years, and we spent all day Saturday lying out and swimming. I was glad Ben respected my need to spend time with her. We talked for a few minutes Saturday night, but that was it.

Neither Shayna nor I were looking forward to saying goodbye on Sunday. Shayna needed to return her rental car before the flight, so she had to leave before lunch.

She took my hand before walking out the front door. “I expected to find you on the floor when I got here. I’m glad I was wrong.”

“So, you are actually admitting to being wrong?” I smiled.

“There’s a first time for everything. But seriously, you’ll make it through this. You’re going to be okay.”

“I don’t know about that, but I’m holding in there.”

“I’m glad you decided to give Ben another chance. You were right. He has changed.”

“But he’s also stayed the same in all the important ways.”

“I’m proud of you.” Shayna wiped away some tears. “I don’t think I would have been strong enough to deal with what you went through without self-destructing.”

“You would have dealt. You deal with what you have to.” I tried to sound more confident than I really felt.

“You’ll come visit us, right?”

“Yes. I promise. But you need to go before you miss your flight.”

She pulled me into a hug. “Take care of yourself.”

“You too.”

I stood on the front step watching Shayna pull away. I never would have believed it at the beginning of the weekend, but her visit was exactly what I’d needed. I thought about what she said—maybe I really would be okay.

Chapter Twenty

“I can’t believe I’m really getting married.” Kelly and I reclined on two lawn chairs in her backyard after the rehearsal dinner. Things had gone perfectly at the church, and we’d all enjoyed a fun barbeque afterward. Ben and I were the only ones left. Things weren’t too awkward with Gavin, but he was still really stiff with Ben. I understood and was glad that no one said anything about it.

“This time tomorrow you’ll be Mrs. Tom Farell.”

“I’m not old enough to be missus anything.”

“Then call yourself Ms. because either way, it’s happening.”

“I know, and I can’t wait.”

Watching the look of pure joy and excitement on her face made me smile and tear up simultaneously. I really was so happy for her.

Ben walked over to us, leaning down to match my eye level. “I need to head out to rehearsal. I hate to make you leave if you’re not ready, though.” He looked at his watch. “Maybe I could wait ten minutes?”

“No, it’s okay. Go ahead, I’ll just walk home or make Kelly drive me.”

Kelly rolled her eyes. “You wouldn’t have to make me.”

“All right. It’s going to be really late, so don’t wait up.” Ben smiled. He loved saying things like that. Although I had initially planned to resist his offer to start spending nights at his place, I’d caved easily. We weren’t living together exactly because I kept most of my stuff at my parents’ house, but I hadn’t spent a night alone since Shayna went back to Seattle. We’d fallen into a comfortable routine, and I hoped it wouldn’t change anytime soon.

Ben left, and I spent another hour chatting with Kelly before she drove me the short distance home. Tom was leaving to spend the night at Gavin’s because Kelly insisted that they sleep separately the night before the wedding. As modern as Kelly could be, she still had some old fashioned girl in her.

“Sleep well, bride-to-be.” I reached over to hug her before getting out of the car.

“I doubt I’ll sleep at all, but I’ll try.”

“So you want me over at eleven, right?’

“Yes, but feel free to come earlier.”

“All right, good night.”

***

Ben was still at rehearsal with his band when the email showed up. The time stamp was listed as 12:00 a.m. on the dot, but I didn’t check it until 12:04. I’m not usually such a detail oriented person, but I’d never forget that it took me four minutes to see it.

The name jumped out at me, stabbing at my heart and making me feel light headed. My first thought was that it was a cruel joke. It wasn’t until I got up the nerve to open the email that I realized it for what it was—his note.

Dear Molly,

This is probably going to be a hard day for you, or at least I think it will be. I don’t know if you ever wanted to marry me, but I know you don’t want to now. You may have convinced yourself you wanted to postpone it because we don’t have the money, but you can’t fool me. I’ve known you long enough to know when you’re in denial.

I never thought things would turn out like this. I was supposed to be living it up, making an impression at the firm. Instead, my job’s maybe a month away from gone. We were supposed to be in love, but that part’s only half true. I love you, but I don’t believe you actually love me. I’ve tried to figure out if there’s someone else—but I don’t think there is. I think there’s just the idea of someone else.

I know you probably won’t understand my decision, but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be a failure.

I hope you find your happily ever after one day—you deserve it.

I’ll always love you.

Adam

I didn’t make it to the bathroom. I got sick right there on the kitchen floor. I had a fleeting thought that at least it wasn’t the carpet. The good thing about the mess was that it kept me momentarily distracted. I got out the mop and made a bucket of cleaner. The floor was spotless when the contents of the email finally set in.

I poured myself a cranberry vodka. The second glass didn’t even have cranberry juice. The alcohol numbed the pain a little, but not enough. I took an extra swig straight from the bottle. I wanted Ben, but I wasn’t sure how I could face him. It was one thing when I could pretend it wasn’t my fault—but I had my proof. What kind of person sends his fiancé his suicide note on their wedding day? I couldn’t believe he’d had the wherewithal to do it. I couldn’t believe he’d made me wait so long.

I had my note. It should have felt like closure. That’s all I’d wanted with my dad—closure. But somehow this note didn’t make things any better. I only felt worse. Drunk, angry, and unwilling to sit in the house any longer, I went out. I was in no shape to drive, so I walked. I wasn’t sure where I was headed, but I kept going. I was halfway out of town when I realized where I was.

Remnants of a party were spewed all over the grass beside the tracks. A whole case of empty beer bottles rattled as I pushed over the box to sit on it. I guess these kids were neat enough to put them back in the cardboard. We never were. I heard the faint sound of a train whistle in the distance.