Derailed (12 page)

I scooted back before turning and propping myself up with an extra pillow. “Fancy office you have here.”

“I don’t have a need for one.”

“Yeah, me either. Not anymore.” For the first time in ages, I didn’t need to study. It still felt like I was on an extended vacation, and I was going to wake up with a list of assignments a mile long.

I spent a few minutes finding the right site and looking for some flowers I could actually afford. I wanted something nice though. I wanted to make up for shutting Mom out. I hated hurting her, but I didn’t know what else to do. She knew how much it upset Dad when we fought, and I worried that every time she saw me, she remembered how horribly I’d behaved. She tried to reach out to me over and over, but I didn’t know how to have a normal relationship with her anymore.

“This is kind of natural, isn’t it?” Ben brought me back to the present. I looked over to see him smiling with his hands behind his head, reclining comfortably.

“What is natural exactly?”

“This.” He moved a hand out to gesture at us lounging on his bed. “It’s nice to just sit with you like this.”

“Oh. Yeah, it’s peaceful, I guess.” I didn’t need to tell him that he was right. I was dying to say something about the sailboat photo though. He beat me to it.

“Do you remember when you took that picture?”

“Not specifically, but I think I have a copy of it somewhere.” I finished, finally selecting a small arrangement made up entirely of purple, Mom’s favorite color, and set aside the laptop.

“You took it the day after you told me you were going to Boston.”

“Oh.” I looked away from him, not wanting to relive that conversation. I ran my fingers over the blue madras pattern of his quilt, messing with a string that had come loose.

“I freaked out on you. I know that. I called you selfish and accused you of using it as an excuse to get away from me. I must have sounded like a fucking psycho.”

“I wasn’t surprised by your reaction. We considered ourselves pretty serious back then.”

“Why’d you decide you wanted to go so far away? Until then I always thought Chapel Hill was your dream school.”

“I don’t know. Part of it was just wanting to try something different, I guess.”

“And the other part?” He sat up on an elbow, leaning toward me.

“I didn’t want to be left behind.”

“Left behind by who?”

“You.”

He sat up. “What? How could you have thought for a second I’d ever leave you behind?”

“You were so focused on your band. I figured that if you ever really got a break, you’d leave and never look back at anything—including me. I refused to be
that
girl.” We hadn’t bothered to turn on the lights, and with less direct sunlight streaking in, the room became progressively darker.

“You actually thought that? You honestly believed I could ever want anyone but you in my life? That I wouldn’t take you anywhere I went?”

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I have? I was seventeen. How many high school relationships make it past graduation?”

I looked away from him and out the window. I watched a bird strut back and forth on the branch of a tree. I wondered why it walked so slowly when it could fly instead.

His hands found mine. “I never would have left you.” He tugged on my arm a little as he leaned back again, still holding one of my hands. “I guess that was the difference between us.”

“What do you mean?” I turned toward him.

“I never believed there was anyone else out there. I knew completely that no one else would ever make me feel the way you did. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and from the day I realized I loved you, I never even considered a future without you.” He exhaled loudly. “But it wasn’t like that for you, was it? You wanted to make sure you weren’t missing out on something better.”

His words stung, getting me in a place that was already so riddled with emotional scars that I wasn’t sure I could take any more. He was right, of course. I had been looking for more, never satisfied with what I had. Maybe that was my problem in life. I always looked ahead to greater things.

I searched for words, but couldn’t find any, so instead I leaned back and dared to look over at him again. His eyes weren’t accusatory, but they did reveal a level of pain I hadn’t expected to see. He opened his arms, and I let myself fall into them. I hurt so badly that I would take any comfort I could get, even if it would hurt more later.

“I’m sorry if I upset you. There’s just so much I’ve wanted to say to you, but never had the chance. I had a plan to get you back, you know.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I was going to propose to you that first Thanksgiving when you came home. I bought the ring and everything.”

“What?” I pulled away from him so I could see if he was serious.

The wistful expression on his face proved the sincerity of his statement. “I was going to propose to you out back on your dock—on the exact spot where we had our first kiss. I was so sure that it would show you how serious I was and that you would realize that you could rely on me, that I could take care of you.”

“And I didn’t come home that year.”

“No, you didn’t. But Shayna and her husband did. She told me you weren’t home and didn’t give me any details. Her husband followed me out and said, man to man, I needed to know the truth—you were spending Thanksgiving with your new boyfriend’s family.” Ben’s face twisted into a pained expression as he replayed the exchange.

“Oh god, Ben. I’m sorry you found out that way. I didn’t even think about what it would be like for you. I was so focused on moving on and never looking back.”

“I kept the ring. I always felt that getting rid of it meant I was really giving up. Even when I found out you were engaged—which pissed me off royally, by the way. You see that spot where the paint is messed up over there?” He pointed to an indent in the wall by the door.

“Yeah?”

“That’s where I punched my fist through the wall when I heard you were getting married. But you know what? Even then I couldn’t fully give up. I mean, people call off engagements all the time, right?” He paused, looking at me for agreement. My eyes returned to the mismatched paint on the wall. Somehow that physical manifestation of the pain I’d caused Ben was like an accident scene. I couldn’t look away.

“Even as I lived my life pretending you didn’t exist, I kept waiting for you to come back to me. I thought I was dreaming when I first saw you at Marney’s, and you told me you were single.”

My chest hurt, and my throat felt like it was closing up. “Ben I don’t know what to say…”

“But I wasn’t dreaming. You are really back, and you’re lying here on my bed with me.”

“Ben—” I tore my eyes away from the wall.

“No. Don’t. Don’t remind me that this is just a casual thing. I get that. And I’m okay with it—at least for now. I just need to have you with me in any way I can get you. Don’t let this scare you away. I don’t expect any more from you.” He pulled me against him again, but this time the gesture wasn’t to give reassurance. He kissed me roughly, his hands equally rough as they kept me at his side. I’m not sure where things would have gone from there if his phone hadn’t rung.

He composed himself for a moment before answering. “Hi, Mom.”

I suppressed a giggle. Awkward. “Yup, Molly’s with me.”

“Umm, sure. We can pick those up. You want us to come right over?”

“All right, we’ll be there soon.”

“We’re okay, right?” he asked after hanging up. “I haven’t completely scared you off, have I?”

I wanted to tell him it wasn’t okay, that I couldn’t be with him if he still had feelings that strong, but I was getting so damn tired of lying all the time. I didn’t want to stay away from Ben. I didn’t want him to stop loving me because I loved him. I just wished I had more to give or that I was strong enough to walk away before I did more damage. But maybe the damage was already done. Maybe he really meant it when he said he’d take me in any way he could. Maybe he could accept me as broken and messed up as I was. I kept all those thoughts to myself. “I’m still here, aren’t I?”

“Yeah, you are.” He smiled before getting up and pulling me to my feet, catapulting me into his arms.

Chapter Twelve

Ben’s parents were waiting for us on the side porch. His mother stood up and hugged me the second she saw us. “It’s so nice to have you here, Molly. I was so happy to hear you were back.”

“Thanks, Mary. It’s nice to be home.” Even though Ben’s dad was always Mr. Mathews, for some reason I’d always called his mother by her first name. I was prepared for a cold reception, not the warm welcome I received, so I didn’t know how to act at first. “Thanks for inviting me for dinner.” Mary hadn’t changed at all. Her long brown hair was pulled back into a low pony tail, and she wore her usual style of casual dress.

“Of course, sweetie. I just wish we didn’t have to twist your arm to get you here.”

Ben jumped in quickly. “Mom, I never even asked her. It’s not like she kept refusing.”

“Yes, but you said you knew she would refuse.”

“Which is true, so please drop it. She’s here now, it’s over.”

I took the argument as a cue to take a seat in one of the Adirondack chairs I’d always loved.

“Can I get you something? I made some sweet tea.”

“Yes, please. That would be great.” She poured me a glass and had Ben hand it to me.

“I can’t seem to get any real answers from my son.” She turned to glare at him. “What brings you back to town?”

“I quit law school and needed a place to catch my breath for a while.” I wished I had a better answer, but that one would have to do. I took a few sips of my tea.

“Do you plan to stay in town long?”

No matter how many times someone asked me the question, I still didn’t have a good answer. “I don’t know. I took a job at Marney’s until I can figure something out. This was a last minute decision.”

“What did you study in school again?” Mr. Mathews asked.

“Political science. Yeah, I know. It’s not really going to help me get a job.”

Ben laughed, taking a seat in the chair next to me.

“If you want more hours than Gail can give you, I am sure I can find you something at the marina. If nothing else, I could hire you to take some new pictures for our advertisements.” Mr. Mathews appeared eager to help.

“Oh, thanks. That’s awfully nice of you, but I’m okay really. Plus, I would take those pictures for free.”

“Not a chance. I’ll pay you. Why don’t you stop by my office sometime, and we can discuss the details?”

“Sure. I can do that.” Maybe I could make some money from photography after all.

“Great. I have to say it’s nice to see you two kids together again. You’ve always made such a good looking couple.” He smiled.

Together again? What had Ben told his parents?

“Dad, we aren’t really a couple. I told you that,” Ben stammered.

Mary leaned forward in her chair. “And if you recall, I told you that no girl like Molly actually wants a strictly sexual relationship.”

Oh my god. Oh my god. This conversation wasn’t happening. Women like Mary didn’t say things like ‘sexual relationship.’ “Could you excuse me for a second?” I sped inside and to the half bath off the kitchen, closing and locking the door behind me.

I splashed some water on my face, trying to figure out how I was going to get myself out of this incredibly awkward situation. I didn’t have my car, and I was on the opposite side of town from my house. I could conceivably walk, but it would take a while. Getting stranded without a car was becoming a pattern.

Before I could work myself up too much, there was a knock on the door. “One minute.”

“Molly, it’s me, honey,” Mary called.

I reluctantly opened the door, trying to compose myself.

“Why don’t we have a little chat? Want to help me husk the corn? Mark just took Ben out front to look at some problems he’s having with the landscaping.”

“Okay.” I didn’t see any other choice. I hoped she didn’t realize just how embarrassed I was.

I took a large bag of corn from the counter and followed Mary back out onto the porch. Removing the first ear, I set to work.

“I didn’t mean to upset you. Sometimes my big mouth gets me in trouble.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” I reassured her.

“Yes, I do. But that doesn’t change anything.”

I smiled a little before returning my attention to the corn.

“You know he still loves you, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I know.”

“And you still have feelings for him that go beyond physical attraction, don’t you?”

I sighed. “Being able to deny it would make things easier.”

She laughed lightly. “I thought so. What I don’t understand is what’s holding you back. Are you still stinging from your breakup? How long ago did it happen?”

“It’s been months.” At least that part was true.

“I’m sorry. I know that must have hurt.”

“It did; it does.”

“But you shouldn’t let that stop you from trusting someone else. Ben’s a good man. He has his faults just like he always has—just like we all do—but you’ll never meet someone more in love with you then he is. And in case you didn’t know, there is nothing more powerful than that for a woman.”

“I’m not ready.” There was something more powerful—guilt.

“Well, he isn’t going anywhere. And I mean that. I don’t think he’s letting you leave again. If you decide to leave Clayton Falls, it’s going to be with Ben at your side.”

I shifted uncomfortably. I couldn’t take the serious conversation, not after the one Ben and I’d just had. I was grateful when I heard voices approaching. My relief disappeared when I saw that Jake was with them. I guess I should have expected he’d be there, but I didn’t want to deal with him.

“Nice to see you.” Jake pulled out an ear of corn and took a seat next to me to help husk.

I looked at him quizzically. Had his family told him he had to be on good behavior or something? “Uh, hey.”

“How are things?”

I couldn’t keep the sarcasm away. “So you’re nice to witches now?”

Jake smiled. “Oh, I guess you heard about my tirade at Gill’s the other night. I’m sorry about that. I honestly didn’t remember it until Tom gave me hell the next morning.”