Depths (13 page)

“
So,
”
he
began,
“what do you do for a
living?
”

I hated that question.
It
’
s such typical small talk. Not to
mention that I wasn't exactly living the high life with my job.
Anytime you say what your job is, it
’
s
like you get judged as a person based off what you do.

“
Well, I work for a company that
sells uh...
”
I paused and cleared my
throat nervously.

Cars, high end electronics, insurance any of those
is better than what you really do.

Just be yourself!

He cocked his eyebrow, waiting for me
to continue.

“
Ahem, sorry about that. Uh, we
sell copy machines.
”

Unimpressed was an understatement of the expression
on his face. He sucked on his teeth again, quickly glancing to his
left and then back at me.

“
You sell
…
copy machines? Do people even still
buy
copy
machines?
”

The mocking tone in his voice wasn't disguised at
all.

I saw her poke her head in from
the kitchen, which connected to the living room. She mouthed
“
I'm so sorry,
”
to me
and went back.

“
I guess they do, otherwise we
wouldn
’
t sell
them. Well, I mean, the company does. Sells them I mean. I don't.
I'm a uh, security guard.
”

“
Security guard? For a copy
machine store?
”
He raised his eyebrows as
he said this, like he was in disbelief that something that stupid
could actually exist. I knew how stupid it sounded, shit,
I
’d have the same look on my face if
someone told me that. I hated my job. And while getting paid to
essentially do nothing isn't really a bad thing, it definitely
doesn't help you feel like you do something that actually matters
or leave much of an impression on people.

I could feel my face getting red and my palms were
sweating even worse than before.

“
Yeah, I know right?
”
I said as I scratched the back of my head
nervously.

“
Dinner is ready!
”

Oh thank God.

The sound of her voice made me
feel better instantly. I can't stand awkward situations. Like being
in an elevator with one other person. It
’
s so strange, I mean, what are
you supposed to do? You can make small talk which can make both
people feel uncomfortable, or you can stare off to nowhere which is
still awkward. There
’
s really no good way to handle it.

I followed Mr. Green to the other side of the house
into the dining room and sat at the seat closest to the wall. I
caught her eye again as she came into the room with a big platter
of roast beef in one hand and a plate of potatoes in the other.

We both smiled at the same time
and I mouthed
“
thank you
”
to her.

Mr. Green sat down directly across from me.

Great. I already knew he wasn't impressed at all
with me.

Just be yourself!

Shut up.

I was back inside the room again. My head was
racing. With every thought that passed through my mind, the room
changed with it. It morphed from inside different houses to outside
on a grassy hill, back to my house to inside the security room at
Copymate Copy Machines. Sunshine, dark rooms, cool breezes, summer
heat that made me sweat. I saw old classrooms and teachers, friends
from over the years. My parents and my family. Inside of a car and
driving, or just walking.

The room changed with every thought that I had.

Concentrate.

How am I supposed to do that?

“
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO
THAT?
”
My own voice boomed and echoed
around the room and the words spelled themselves out as I thought
it.

You need some help. I can help.

“
Yes, please! Help!
”
I screamed out loud.

“
YES PLEASE HELP!
”

Give me a face, and a body. I'm just the voice
inside your head right now. Build me a body and I can help. It will
be easier if you use yourself as me.

“
How?
”

“
HOW?
”

The voice engulfed me. My head felt like it was
splitting open. As soon as I thought it, I heard a sickening crunch
and the top of my skull started splitting down the middle. I felt
the skin stretch and rip and blood began pouring down my face.

Concentrate dammit! Put your head back together!

I could barely hear him over my screaming. The pain
was excruciating.

Put it back together! Concentrate on creating me and
it will stop!

I tried to clear my head but nothing worked. Every
time I saw a new change in the room, it triggered a new thought
which in turn triggered a new change followed by a new thought. How
do you think about not thinking? I tried shutting my eyes so I
didn't have to see the room but I just saw myself in my mind
shutting my eyes so I didn't have to see the room but I just saw
myself in my mind shutting my eyes so I didn't have to see the room
but I just saw myself in my mind shutting my eyes so I didn't have
to see the room.

Concentrate!

And suddenly everything just stopped.

Let me help.

As he said it, I could finally focus. He needed feet
to stand on and legs. He needed a body and arms and a neck. And
lastly he needed a head. I could see him now. He looked just like
me. At first glance, he seemed to have the same tired look in his
blue eyes that I did, only they were much sharper. A kindness that
glossed over his true intent and a slight malevolence I couldn't
quite place. I realized he wasn't wearing anything but as soon as I
thought that thought, he was dressed the same as I was. He looked
at his arms and hands, curling and uncurling his fingers in
decadent delight at the discovery. He closed his eyes and
inhaled.

“
Let me help you,
”
he said, focusing his eyes on me.

Get me out of here.

“
I'll show you how.
”

How did he hear me?

“
Because I
’m you. So let's get us
out.
”

He knelt down next to me and put his hands on my
cheeks. They were cold. I looked at him, at myself, and my head
stayed quiet.

“
It can be a little hectic in here
sometimes can't it?
”

I wanted to say something, but
it
’
s strange looking at another person who
looks just like you so I just stared back blankly.

He stood up and nonchalantly walked around the
perimeter of the room, talking as he paced.

“
So many things going on at once,
it's hard to keep track of everything. But we need to keep track of
what's happened don't we? We're in here for a reason
right?
”

He stopped from across the room and looked at me
again.

“
We're in here for a reason,
aren't we?
”
He asked again.

I nodded my head yes.

“
But the question is
why
… I think we need to retrace our steps,
go back over everything that has happened the last couple of days
and figure out why we're here. If we can do that, then we can get
out.
”

What the fuck was he talking about?

The door. The door! I looked to my side remembering
the door I had first used to get into this room.

The Voice In My Head followed my
eyes to the door. His face was unimpressed as he said,
“
Do you really think it's that easy? Try
it.
”

He motioned with his head at the door.

I stood on shaking legs and used the wall to
balance. It was hard to keep focus, the room felt like it was
constantly moving and flickering between one scene to another.

The door was parted, allowing a thin ray of light to
fall upon the floor. Shadows moved across the ray of light and I
could hear noise.

I had to move slowly to keep from stumbling over the
changing landscapes.

The door opened before I could even knock and she
stood in the doorway with a smile.

God she's beautiful.

One...

I stood at my front door suddenly not remembering
why I was outside in the first place. It was kind of cold and I
didn't have a jacket.

Thing...

I gripped the door knob, perhaps it was open?

To another...

I put my ear to the door and listened. I could hear
ragged breathing just outside as if whatever it was out there had
its head pressed against the door just like I did.

I opened my eyes...

I already knew what I would see when I opened
them.

“
No.. That's
impossible
…”

“
NO THAT'S
IMPOSSIBLE.
”

The words echoed around.

THE WORDS ECHOED AROUND.

I could hear footsteps behind me. The Voice In My
Head had followed me through the door.

I COULD HEAR FOOTSTEPS BEHIND ME THE VOICE IN MY
HEAD HAD FOLLOWED ME THROUGH THE DOOR.

“
You're losing focus again. Try to
keep your thoughts focused on one thing.
”

I tried to calm my breathing and I pictured myself
in my mind being calm in my mind being calm in my mind being calm
in my mind being calm....

“
Stop it!
”

He slapped me across the face and it stung.

“
Listen to me.
We
’re in here for a reason. This room will
reflect whatever thoughts you have in your head so stay focused. I
can help, but I can
’
t do all the work. If
you start panicking and freaking out then I can
’
t do a whole lot. Stay calm and focused and I can at least
keep things
…
Settled down. If you want to
leave from here I suggest you start listening to me.
”

“
I want out.
”

He smiled at me.

It was still impossible though. I
had walked through the doorway in the white room into the same room
I had just left. The door was still open but I couldn't see past
it. I walked back to the doorway and stepped through
…

…
Into the same room.

“
Told ya' it wouldn't be that
easy,
”
His voice rang out behind me. I
turned back around to look at the doorway again, and just like it
was before, I couldn't see past it. I walked back through it into
the same room I had just left and saw the Voice In My Head standing
there with his hands in his pocket.

“
Why isn't the room changing right
now? I'm thinking all kinds of things.
”

“
Let
’
s just say I
’
m doing the driving right
now.
”

“
So then how do I get out of
here?
”

“
Like I said, we'll have to figure
out why you
’
re
in here in the first place.
”

He took his hands out of his pockets and looked at
his nails, wrinkling his nose before trying to dig out whatever was
underneath them with a nail from his other hand.

He continued,
“
so why are you in here? What did you do, what happened to
you?
”

“
Shouldn't you know the answer to
that?
”

He laughed.

“
If I'm the voice inside your
head, then what am I?
”

“
What do you mean?
”

“
I mean just that. If I'm the
voice inside your head, then what am I?
”

I shrugged my shoulders, I had no idea.

He sighed as he said,
“
It means I'm your conscious
thoughts.
”

I just stared.

“
You really are clueless aren't
you?
”
He put his head into his hand and
pinched the bridge of his nose,
“something
or someone put you into this room. If you don't know what it is
then I don't because you're blocking it from your conscious
thoughts. Does that make a little more sense?
”

I nodded my head.

“
If we can go back in your
thoughts and remember what happened to you, we can get
out.
”

“
How? How will that magically get
me out of here? And I thought you said I was blocking it
anyways?
”

“
Yes I did say you were blocking
something from your memory. That thing is the barrier preventing
you from leaving through that door.
”

Strangely, he was starting to make
more sense.
“
Now,
”
he began again,
“
I can only guide
you so much in your memories. If you start losing focus, there's
only so much I can do to steer you back on track. If you haven't
figured out a piece of the puzzle from your memory, you can always
start the memory over again. The more of me you see in your
memories, the worse you're doing because that means I'm actually
entering your memories with you in order to try and control them
better. Got it?
”

“
Sure
…
Wait, one more thing.
”

He raised his eyebrows.

“
You said you were my conscious
thoughts. If that
’s the case then how do
you know all of this? How do you know more than me?
Shouldn
’
t you know the exact same as me
and know just as much as I do?
”