Depravicus (15 page)

"And I moved
down here from Scarborough when I was younger," she continued.

"I don't want
to know about Scarborough," he snapped. "Tell me about the
plan."

"Well, the
Reverend Mother asked us to trap you in Father Kosher's church. The
idea was to..."

"Yes, but is
she behind the plan?"

"No. Father
Kosher is behind the plan."

"And he's a
Russian spy, I suppose?"

"No. He used
to work for the water authority. Apparently the water authority has
an old score to settle with you."

"That's true.
The lying, fucking, cheating, bastard, crab-ridden... You mean to
say that all this is about the bloody water..." His words tailing
off as he heard a noise outside the shack, he leaped out of the
armchair.

Peering
through the grime-covered window, he frowned. "Fuck it," he
murmured, scraping the purple globe of his penis on the rough
wooden planking as he gazed at the Bishop and the dark-haired girl
wandering along the railway track towards the shack. "Keep very
quiet," he whispered as the unlikely pair approached. "One word
from you, and you'll find your non-lactating nipples stuffed up
your arse." Holding his breath, his heart racing, he ducked as the
Bishop walked up to the shack.

"This hut has
been here for over a century," he said.

"So, the
railway isn't used any more?" the girl asked.

"No, no. There
hasn't been a train along here for thirty years or more. Oh, the
door seems to be locked."

"Perhaps it's
stuck."

"Possibly. I
can't believe that we've failed to nail Entercock yet again. I just
don't understand how he's always one jump ahead. It was always that
way when he was in the priesthood. Every time I tried to get one up
on him, he..."

"I wonder
where Levan got to?" the girl sighed, kicking the shack door.

"God only
knows. At least we're getting somewhere, though. We know that
Entercock has a bar in his house. We also know that he advertises
soiled knick... worn underwear on his website. The legalities of
that are being looked into by PC Bridlington. And, of course,
there's Lana. Entercock will never guess that we've recruited her
as a spy. She's our inside man... Er, woman."

"I don't trust
her, or Levan."

"You don't
trust Levan? But I thought you two were the best of friends?"

"We are. It's
just that she keeps on about Entercock, how much she likes him. She
admires him."

"Admires him?
Is she mentally ill?"

"No, she's
cock-struck."

"We'll have to
watch her, then. Well, we'd better get back to the convent. No
doubt Levan will turn up."

As the Bishop
and Esra walked away, Will rubbed his chin - and his damaged knob.
Levan stared at him as he turned and faced her. She was obviously
pleased that he'd discovered the truth, he reflected, stroking the
weal-lined hillocks of her swollen vaginal cushions. He now knew
that she wasn't a threat, but to think that Lana was a spy... After
all he'd done for the girl, he mused. Well, he hadn't done a great
deal other than employ her in the bar. And fuck her tight arse.

"Now what?"
Levan asked.

"Now... I
don't know," Will replied. "I'll have to feed Lana some
disinformation."

"Who is
she?"

"She was a
waitress in the village tea shop. She now works in my bar. As a
spy, it would seem."

"Sack
her."

"No, no. That
would be too obvious. I don't want the enema... I mean, I don't
want the enemy to know that I know that they know that I know...
Fuck me, what the hell am I talking about?"

"Bollocks, as
usual. Let me go, and we'll draw our plans against them."

"You really
want to be on my side?"

"Yes, but I
owe you a damned good tit thrashing and a bloody good vaginal lips
whipping."

"Seeing as I
don't have..."

"OK, a cock
thrashing and a ball... Let me go. I want to see your bar."

"I don't wear
bras. Well, not very often. Did you say, bar? Oh, I see what you
mean."

Releasing the
girl, Will waited until she'd wrapped her torn clothes around her
naked body before opening the shack door and checking that the
coast was clear. The Bishop and Esra nowhere in sight, he took
Levan's hand and helped her climb the embankment to the woods. He'd
take her back to his place, he decided, praying that no one would
see him with a half-naked girl. After a few stiff drinks, and a
stiff cock, she'd be in a fit state to discuss the downfall of the
Bishop and the Reverend Slagger.

"Do you have
an iron?" Levan asked as they clambered over the garden fence and
dashed through the back door into the kitchen.

"An iron?"
Will echoed.

"My clothes
are crumpled."

"I don't know
about crumpled. They're ripped to shreds," he laughed as her skirt
fell to the ground and the remnants of her panties hung like a flag
without wind from her pussy. "You'll have to walk around with no
clothes on."

"Oh good," she
giggled, opening the fridge and grabbing a can of lager.

"Please, feel
free to help yourself," he said with more than a hint of
sarcasm.

"I always do.
So, where's this bar of yours?"

"In the other
room. Look, before we get pissed and spend the day entwined in
rampant lust, we have to make our plans."

"Can't we do
the entwining and lusting first?"

"All right...
I mean no, we can't."

"You could at
least allow me to have a bath."

"Oh, all
right. Upstairs, first on the..."

"I was
thinking of a tongue bath."

"For God's
sake, Levan. You don't seem to realize that... Go and have a
bath..."

As the girl
left the kitchen and went upstairs Will took her lager from the
table. Swigging from the can, he pondered the situation. Was it
purely coincidental that the Bishop and Esra happened to stop by
the shack and discuss their plans? Or had the episode been
contrived? Perhaps Levan was the man on the inside? Or the woman on
the outside. Lana the barmaid might be innocent, he mused. This was
all too much for Will's brain to handle. Spies, double agents... He
had to get his act together and determine exactly which of the
delectable morsels he could trust. Fucking them was easy, but
trusting them... Grabbing the ringing phone, he sighed as he heard
the Bishop's voice.

"Where were
you this morning?" the man asked.

"Let me
think," Will sniggered. "I was wanking in the bath until ten
o'clock and then..."

"Listen to me,
Entercock. A girl has gone missing. She was last seen in the woods
behind the village hall."

"Perhaps she's
still there."

"Of course
she's not still there, you blithering idiot. What have you done
with her?"

"Done, Bishop?
I haven't done anything with her. I don't even know who you're
talking about. About whom one is speaking, one has no idea."

"One knows
damned well... PC Bridlington is on his way to see you. Try lying
to him."

"Oh, I will.
Good day, Bishop."

No sooner had
Will replaced the receiver when the front doorbell rang. It was all
go, he thought, dashing through the hall. There was a slight
problem, he knew as he opened the door. Levan, the missing girl,
was in his bath - in his bathroom. But he'd lied his way out of
trouble often enough. Living with Josie, he'd become an adept liar.
Grinning at the Constable, he asked whether he could help him.

"I believe you
can," the officer replied, stepping into the hall. "I'm making
enquiries concerning a young lady."

"Good grief,"
Will gasped, closing the door as the man removed his helmet. "A
young lady? What on earth is the world coming to?"

"What do you
mean?"

"I don't know.
I suppose I meant, what is the world coming to."

"The young
lady in question..."

"You've taken
her in for questioning?"

"No, no. She's
missing. And don't ask what she's missing."

"I wasn't
going to."

"Yes you were.
She was seen in the woods behind the village hall earlier
today."

"And she
wasn't seen later?"

"Correct. Wait
a minute. How do you know she wasn't seen later?"

"Because you
said she's missing."

"Ah, so I did.
Let's not play games, Father. This is a serious matter, and one I
need to clear up without delay. I know you like your little joke,
making out you don't know what I'm talking about, but it's a waste
of valuable time."

"What is?"

"There you go
again."

"Where have I
gone?"

"Who's that
upstairs?" the Constable asked as a loud thud sounded on the
ceiling. "I know that Josie has gone to Moscow, so who's up
there?"

"Rats."

"Rats? You
have rats in the house?"

"No, I meant,
rats, I've just stubbed my toe."

"Will you
please tell me who's up there, Father?"

"My son."

"Your son? But
you don't have a son."

"He's long
lost. At least, he was long lost. He's now long found."

"I shall take
a look at this aforementioned long lost and since long found son of
yours."

Following the
man up the stairs Will wondered what the hell to do. At least
Lolita wasn't still tethered to the bed, he reflected, thanking God
for great mercies. As they reached the landing Will cringed. Levan
was in the bedroom, no doubt pissing about with girlie things such
as brushing her hair and fucking around with her nails and the
like. Hoping that the Constable would think her to be a male, Will
sighed as the man knocked and opened the door. What sort of son
would have a beautiful pair of firm tits and a shaved fanny?

"Aha," the
Constable breathed triumphantly, entering the room.

Fuck, Will
thought following him and expecting the worst.

"So, young
man. You are William Entercock's son?"

"Yes, I am,"
Levan replied, her eyes peeping over the top of the quilt as she
lay in the bed.

"And what, may
I ask, are you doing in bed at this time of day?"

"She's... He's
ill," Will broke in, gazing wide-eyed at the girl's shredded
clothes strewn about the room.

"Name?" the
Constable asked, taking his notebook and pen from his top
pocket.

"Entercock,
William Entercock," Will replied, kicking the girl's ripped panties
under the bed.

"Not you,
Father. I was talking to your son."

"Oh," Levan
murmured. "I'm... I'm Wilson."

"Wilson? I
thought you were Entercock?"

"Wilson, as in
Will's son. I'm Wilson Entercock."

"I see. And
your mother?"

"Er...
Motherson."

"Motherson?"

"I'm my
mother's son."

"This is all
most confusing," the Constable sighed, turning to Will. "What's his
mother's name?"

"Willswife...
I mean... Wilsonsmum, as in Wilson's mum."

"I detect an
air of willful lying in the air, Father."

"Willful was
my half sister. Will's full sister, as in half sister twice removed
to the mental home."

"I'll need to
examine the body, Father."

"Body?" Will
gasped. "What body?"

"Anybody. I
mean, your son's body. I need to determine his sex."

"I haven't had
sex," Levan returned.

"Neither have
I," Will broke in. "Not a lot, anyway. Look, Constable. My son is a
man. Any fool can see that by his cascading locks of long golden
hair, his sky-blue bedroom eyes, his pretty face, his succulent
glossed lips, his..."

"Is he
gay?"

"Er... Yes, he
is. He wanted to be a boy... A girl."

"I'm not
bloody gay," Levan returned. "Oh. I mean, I am bloody gay. I
forgot."

"You forgot
that you were bloody gay?" the Constable asked incredulously.

"His breasts
must have confused her," Will smiled. "Er... Her breasts must have
confused him. Would you like to examine me?"

"Certainly
not, Father. I know very well what you are."

"Shit! Who
told you... Ah, I see what you mean. I have to say that your line
of questioning is most confusing, Constable. It's obvious to me,
and should be to you, that this girl is a girl... A boy."

"Is she? I
mean, is he?"

"Of course
she's a boy. Now, was there anything else?"

"I forget why
I came here now."

"You came here
because a boy is missing."

"Ah, so I did.
I'll bid you and your daughter good day, Father. I'm so sorry to
have troubled you."

"Not at all.
My husband and I are always pleased to see you. And my daughter...
Son."

"There was one
other thing, Father."

"Yes?"

"Have you seen
anyone suspicious roaming around the village of late?"

"Apart from
you, I've seen no one suspicious. There again, the Bishop has been
moving in mysterious ways of late."

"Really?"

"Oh, yes.
Mysteriously suspicious ways. Suspicious ways of great mystery,
even. In fact, I saw him this morning acting in a most mysterious
suspicious manner behind the village hall with a girl."

"That might
well be the missing boy I'm looking for."

"I'm sure it
is, Constable."

"Can you tell
me which way the Bishop went with the boy?"

"Right up his
anal... They went down to the disused railway track."

"You've been
most helpful, Father. I shall go down to the railway and search for
clues."

"You do that,
Constable."

"Good day,
Miss Wilson."

"Er... Good
day, Constable," Levan smiled.

"You make sure
your mother looks after you."

"I'm sure he
will."

Waiting until
the police officer had left the house, Will plonked himself on the
edge of the bed and sighed. He couldn't take this, he knew as he
held his hand to his aching head. Will's son, Will's mum, Will's
full half sister twice removed to the mental home... It was enough
to drive a man to drink. Shaking his head as Levan pulled the quilt
down, revealing her weal-lined breasts, Will walked to the window
and moved the net curtain aside. Watching PC Bridlington pumping up
the back tyre on his bike, he wondered what the world was coming
to.