Defy (20 page)

him past the guise I’d been holding up to the world since my par-

ents died. How could I do that when all I had done for so long was

train to guard him — and make sure he never realized that deep

down inside, buried where no one could see, his best fighter was

actually just a frightened girl?

He hesitantly lifted his hand, as though he were going to stroke

my face. His fingers hovered near my skin. I held my breath, waiting

for his touch, longing for it, frightened of what it would mean —

A shout from across the camp startled us, and I jumped back,

my heart in my throat. Damian still stared into my eyes, unmov-

ing. This time, I was the one who turned and f led.

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 twenty-two 

T
he sun hadn’t even risen above the trees yet, but the heat

was already starting to swell around us as Rylan and I shoul-

dered our packs and fell into line. Lisbet and a young boy, whom

I guessed was her son, were in front of us, and one of the men car-

rying a scythe marched behind us. The boy darted in and out of

line, up and back, with seemingly boundless energy. From what I

could tell, he thought this was a grand adventure, not a miserable

march across the jungle.

It was a fairly big group, large enough that I couldn’t see the

beginning or the end of the line of people under Eljin’s command.

I didn’t see the prince again for the rest of the morning, except

from a distance when we stopped for lunch. Nor did I see Tanoori,

though I tried to keep an eye out, wary of the burning hatred I’d

seen on her face the night before.

I couldn’t stop thinking about Prince Damian. The way he’d

looked at me, the things he’d said — even before we were abducted.

How he’d claimed we were alike. I was terrified that I was let-

ting my guard down too far with him — it didn’t matter if he

knew I was a girl. Or that, if I was being truly honest with myself,

I was growing ever more attracted to him. It was forbidden. I was

his
guard
.

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Rylan walked beside me, but we didn’t speak much, conscious

of the ears all around us. We continued for hours, with no breaks,

over the moist dirt and ground cover, skirting tree roots and

branches, ducking when monkeys screeched overhead. At one

point, a bush rustled beside me and I jumped back, my encounters

with both snake and jaguar haunting my every step.

“Are you okay?” Rylan asked, reaching out to touch my elbow.

“I’m
fine
,” I responded, yanking my arm away. “Just because

you admitted you know I’m a girl doesn’t mean you need to treat

me like one.”

The concern on his face immediately disappeared, replaced

with a mask of indifference. He nodded and turned away without

another word. He didn’t speak to me again for the rest of the after-

noon. I wasn’t even sure why I’d snapped at him. I was confused

and frustrated with myself. After so many years of never letting

myself slip up, was I now expected to act like the girl everyone sud-

denly knew I was? With each painful, silent step, I felt worse and

worse. It didn’t help that I was hot and sweaty and tired.

As the sun began to arc back down toward the earth, the boy’s

earlier enthusiasm began to wane. He started whining and Lisbet

had to keep calling after him, telling him to hurry up when he

began to lag farther and farther behind.

“Jax, come on,” she said for the tenth time in an hour.

“But I’m
tired
,” he moaned, and plopped down on the ground.

Lisbet reached down for his arm, trying to pull him up, but he

slipped out of her grip. “No. I’m not getting up. I don’t want to

walk anymore.”

Rylan and I both stopped, causing the men who were march-

ing at our backs to run into us.

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“Keep moving!” one shouted, but I didn’t obey, concerned

about Lisbet and her son.

I was about to say something to the boy, see if I could coax

him to get up, when Prince Damian’s familiar voice came from

behind, startling me.

“Jax, hop up off the ground. If you’re that tired, I’ll carry you

on my shoulders, all right?”

“You don’t have to do that,” Lisbet said, but her eyes were full

of gratitude as Jax jumped to his feet, his face eager.

“Really? You will?” He bounded over to Damian, who stood

a few feet behind us.

I turned to stare at the prince in shock, unable to believe he

was serious.

“Of course I mean it,” Damian said. “I don’t offer to do things

I don’t intend to follow through on.” He smiled at the boy, a smile

I’d never seen before — gentle and affectionate. Then he knelt

down on the ground and helped Jax clamber up his back, until he

sat atop Prince Damian’s shoulders.

“You’re so
tall
,” Jax said in wonder when Damian stood back

up. “I can see forever!”

“What’s the holdup?” I heard a shout from ahead just before

Eljin stormed into view.

“Nothing. Everything’s fine now,” Damian said as he began

to stride forward, with Jax on his shoulders.

Eljin stared at them in open amazement — amazement that I

was sure was mirrored on my own face. Lisbet hurried to walk next

to Damian, visibly relieved now that Jax was taken care of.

Rylan and I followed as well, a few steps behind them. I could

hear snippets of conversation between Jax and Damian every once

158

in a while, and even laughter. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever heard Damian laugh before. Watching him with Jax, hearing him laugh with the

boy made my chest ache beneath my breastbone. It made me miss

Marcel. And for some reason, it made me think of this morning, of

the moment Damian reached up to touch my face.

Finally, when the sun had fallen below the tree line, the line

halted and Damian helped Jax climb back down.

“Can you carry me again tomorrow?” he asked eagerly.

I didn’t hear Damian’s answer over the shouts of the guards next

to us, telling us where to set up our tent. This time, there was no

clearing in which to make camp. Instead, we had to pitch our tents

in whatever space we could find. The jungle felt impossibly close,

almost suffocating, as darkness descended. I sat in our tent alone,

after Rylan had been summoned to help find dry wood for a fire.

When the f lap opened, I didn’t even look up, expecting Rylan

to return.

“I’d never guess you would be the type to sit around and

mope.” Tanoori’s voice took me by surprise.

I jumped to my feet, ready to fight if she had come to take her

revenge on me. But she stood by the entrance to the tent with

her hands held up, empty. When I was sure she wasn’t armed, I

relaxed slightly. “I don’t mope,” I said.

“Oh please.” Without asking, she sat down on the end of my

bedroll. “We might not have been friends before, but I did know

you for years, Alexa. And even though you’ve cut off your hair

and you dress like a boy, I can still tell when you’re moping. You

might as well sit down and tell me about it.”

I glared at her, but finally my exhaustion won out over my

pride, and I plopped on the ground as far away from her as I could

159

get. “Why would I tell you about it? You threatened to kill me last

night.”

“Oh, that.” She waved her hand with a nervous laugh. “I

wouldn’t really have shot you. I was still mad at you for that rather
unpleasant
interrogation. And allowing me to be sentenced to

death.”

“And now you’re not?”

“Well, I suppose I am still, but I didn’t die, so . . . And I real-

ize you were only doing your duty.” She glanced down at her

hands in her lap. “None of this has worked out the way I thought

it would. Besides, there aren’t too many people our age in the

Insurgi.”

“Is that the name of the group you’re working for — the one

that hides near the Heart of the Rivers?”

Tanoori looked up at me, her brown eyes bleak. “I never

thought they’d ask me to try and kill anyone. But if I thought it

would end the war, I’d try to do it again.”

“I’ll never let you kill him,” I said. “Whether you think it’ll

stop the war or not.”

“You like him, don’t you?” Tanoori’s expression was innocent,

curious. But I could feel an underlying urgency to her question.

Was it her own desire to know or had she been sent by some-

one else?

“Until recently, I couldn’t stand him.”

“But now things have changed?”

“I . . . I don’t know. He isn’t the man I thought he was. I’m

not sure what I think anymore. But whether I respect him or

despise him doesn’t matter; I’m a member of his guard. I won’t

let you hurt him.” I wasn’t about to tell her about my conf licted

160

feelings toward the prince. I trusted her as much as I trusted the

jungle at night.

“You’re not the only one. The sorcerer seems pretty intent on

keeping the prince alive now, too.”

“So Eljin doesn’t work with you — with the Insurgi?”

She shook her head. “The first time I ever saw him in my life

was when he saved it.”

I’d been sure that she and Eljin were working together. If not,

then why had he rescued her?

We were silent a moment and I took the opportunity to study

her. Her hair was thinner than it used to be. She was obviously

undernourished: I could see the outline of her ribs beneath her

shirt, and her elbows jutted out when she crossed her arms. I won-

dered what had happened to her, what had driven her to join a

rebel group and become this strange, unpredictable girl.

“So, you joined the Insurgi, and now you’re here with this

group — whoever they are. But
you
were trying to kill Prince Damian, and these people are trying to keep him alive. Why are

you here? And what do they want from him?” I watched her

intently.

“I don’t know what they want. When Eljin saved me, he took

me to Lisbet and she brought me to this group. I wasn’t given a

choice to return to the Insurgi. And no one will tell me what

they’re up to.”

She didn’t seem to be lying, but she kept looking down at her

hands, instead of meeting my gaze.

The tent f lap opened again and this time, Rylan walked in. I

noticed the way Tanoori nervously watched him, her eyes follow-

ing his every move.

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“I got a fire going and Lisbet said the food would be ready in

a little bit,” he said as he tossed his bedroll onto the hard ground.

Then he turned to Tanoori. “What are you doing in here? Aren’t

you supposed to be helping make dinner or something?”

She jumped up with a nod. “Sorry, I’d better go.”

I wasn’t sure who she was apologizing to or for what, but then

she was gone, leaving me alone with Rylan.

“Is that the girl who tried to kill Prince Damian?”

“Yes, it is.”

He stared after her for a minute, then shook his head. “If they

want to keep him alive, why would they rescue the girl who tried

to kill him and bring her along?”

“I don’t know.”

Our eyes met and locked. All the tension from the long day of

not speaking rose up again.

“I’m getting sick of saying
I’m sorry
,” I said.

“Then quit doing things you have to say sorry for,” he

responded. But he looked like he was trying to contain a smile.

I stood up and began to pace the small perimeter of our tent.

“I honestly don’t know how to act. I don’t know what to do.”

Rylan stood still, watching me. “So many people suddenly know

I’m a girl that it seems ridiculous to keep pretending to be a boy.

But it’s all I’ve done for three years.”

“Just be yourself,” he said.

“I don’t even know what that means anymore. Who I am is

who I’ve had to be to survive. And if Iker and the king ever find

out . . . or Deron . . .” I stopped and stared down at the ground,

fear churning the bile in my stomach. Death or worse would await

162

me if King Hector and Iker found out, we both knew that. And I

had no idea what Deron would do.

Finally, Rylan moved, coming over to where I stood, and

took my arms in his hands. He looked down at me with such ten-

derness that my heart constricted. “Everything is going to be

okay, Alexa. I won’t let anyone hurt you. I promise. Not even

the king.”

I stared up at him, my heart in my throat. What was wrong

with me? A week ago, I wouldn’t even let myself admit that I found

any man attractive. And now my heart couldn’t seem to remember

how to beat normally whenever Rylan or Damian came near me —

or when either of them touched me as Rylan was right now.

“Are you two planning on eating?”

Rylan jumped back as though he’d been burned and I whirled

around to see Tanoori holding back a f lap of our tent, her expres-

sion shadowed in the darkness.

“Yes, sorry. We’re coming.” Rylan recovered first, striding out

of the tent and over to the fire, where Lisbet and Prince Damian

already sat on a log someone had pulled up.

When I started to walk past Tanoori, she leaned toward my

ear. “For just barely admitting you’re a girl, you sure do get around fast,” she said, her voice so low, no one else could have heard her.