Defiled Forever (9 page)

Twenty

Matthew meets me at the center of the net and gives me a little kiss on the cheek to apologize I guess for his beating me easily. We laugh and agree to sit a while and have something cold to drink and maybe some lunch. He grabs our racquets as I make my way to pick out a good table in the shade. Even though we are deep into fall, the sun still beats down like it is the middle of summer and LA is enjoying record breaking heat.

The waiter is there pulling out my chair and asking what we would like to drink when Nikolai walks right up to me and I am so shocked at seeing him here I can’t deflect at all when he leans down and kisses my mouth with a fast brief kiss in greeting.

“Nikolai!
What are you doing here?” I ask with my eyes going to seek out Matthew who is just a few steps away and obviously witnessed the entire thing. Oh no.

“Lauren? Is everything ok here?” Matthew asks and he is clearly uncomfortable.

“Yes. Matthew this is Nikolai.” I don’t offer last names.

“
Grekov
.
I know you aren’t a member here. How did you get in?” Matthew asks and the entire time he is looking around for help.

So Nikolai was right when he said Matthew knew him and was out to get him.

I’m a guest here with friends. Don’t worry Lawson everything is legal and above board. You won’t need to make a citizen’s arrest.”
Nikolai, ever the smart ass.

“We were just going to sit down if you’ll please excuse us.”
Matthew, ever the gentleman.

Nikolai surprisingly nods in agreement and turns and walks away. As soon as he is out of earshot Matthew starts in “How on earth do you know Nikolai
Grekov
Lauren?” “Do you know who he is?” Do you know what he does for a living?”

“I’m not sure Matthew. I saw him in a club once.” (They call this being creative with the truth.)

“I really don’t like him and I don’t want to talk about him.”
“Ever.”

“He kissed you on the mouth like he knew you quite well.” He accuses.

“He caught me off guard. It’s a Russian or a European thing. Please can we not talk about him?”

Reluctantly Matthew agrees, but our perfect day is ruined. I can tell Matthew is full of anger and curiosity. I hope he doesn’t sense my rapid heartbeat and how distracted I am.

Oh my God. I realize I love Nikolai. I hate him more but there is a feeling all over me that I only get in his presence. Therapy stat! Lose the love. Build the hate.

I want to escape this place and not risk seeing Nikolai again, but Matthew insists we have lunch here and I agree so as not to raise suspicions. We order and I excuse myself to wash my hands before eating.

The ladies room at the country club is nothing short of luxurious.
All cream and gold.
I let the cold water run on my wrists and make an effort to calm my nerves and get my game face on to go back out there when the door opens and Nikolai predictably strolls in.

“Get out. Get out and stay away from me or I will call the police Nikolai.” I am only meeting his eyes in the mirror. I refuse to turn around and face him.

“Does Lawson know you would let me fuck you in here right now?”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“Is he your dream come true? Tell me, is he everything you ever wanted?” He snarls at me.

“Does he know that this is probably what you came in here for? That you hoped I would follow you?” He sneers and now his hands find my hips from behind.

I move out of his reach and he arrogantly turns leaning against the counter.

“Let’s pull the little tennis skirt up and the panties down and see if I’m right Lauren. I bet every penny I have that you’re wet for me.”

“Oh so now I’m Lauren. Last time I was the Judge’s daughter. Remember that? I hate you Nikolai.”

And I turn to go out the door quickly but he catches me halfway out the door by my hair not caring who sees. Fortunately, no one witnesses as he drags me back inside. Still holding my hair he kisses me deeply forcing his tongue inside my mouth. I refuse to kiss him back and wipe the back of my hand across my mouth when he lets go of me.

“Leave me alone Nikolai. I mean it. I will have you arrested and tell them everything I know if you come near me again. Stop following me. Stop stalking me. I hate you.”

His face goes dark and his grey eyes turn almost black as he says “Be careful who hears you say stuff like that. Those words can get you killed.
And not by me.”

I return to our table, flushed and lips swollen I’m sure, but Matthew is oblivious to all of the drama going on. His biggest concern seems to be his precious club is allowing the wrong kind of people in.

We make small chit chat and we never see or hear anything from Nikolai for the rest of the day. I have to lose the love and build the hate. I am stronger now and I love and respect myself for it.

Twenty One

Time flies even more now that I am in school. My job, my studies, my classes all keep me too busy to concentrate on anything else. The election is drawing to a close and I am certain Matthew has this in the bag. There have been no further run-ins with Nikolai. He has moved on to trap another fly it seems. I wish her luck, whoever she is. Matthew only brought the subject up once again by asking me one night while we sat on the sofa at my house watching a movie.

“Do you see
Grekov
on a regular basis?” He asked out of the blue.

“No! What do you mean do I see him?”

“I mean, I don’t know what I mean. Is he a friend of yours?” He asks.

“No! I told you I don’t like him at all.” I say.

“Good.
Because I plan to get him a life sentence.
He is the worst kind of lifelong criminal. He is the source of so much crime and corruption in this district and all over the world really. They are a big organization and I am going to bring them down.
Starting with him.
I’m going to bury him.”

I made no comment and just stared at the movie until it finished. Out of all the men in the world to choose from I had to get in the middle of this deal.

Having no contact with Nikolai doesn’t mean he has quit stalking me. I feel him no matter where I am or what I do. He stays back and in the shadows but I know he is watching me. The whole thing is feeling worse every day, not better. I feel suffocated by everything.
Matthew’s suspicions.
Nikolai’s stalking.

The aching loneliness I feel in bed some nights.
All of it.
Suffocating.

My father has left me home alone a few weekends and Nikolai stayed away.

I tell my therapist everything. I just can’t move on. My grades are suffering. For the first time in my life I am in danger of failing.
Trauma.
That is what my therapist and my father, and everyone calls it. Poor

Amanda she doesn’t have a clue about what all has gone on and she
says
I am losing it. She thinks maybe there was something from my childhood that I have blocked out. Oh Geese. I want to share the whole sordid story with her but too much has happened now. If I go all the way back to the beginning she would be hurt. I’ve held my secrets too long.

A homeless man, asking for money, was a little too aggressive one night when I was walking from the gallery to my car. I was only slightly afraid as I reached for some change in my purse. A tingle of excitement ran through my body at the thought of Nikolai coming to my rescue again. As the man walked away with the few dollars I gave him, I caught a glimpse of the familiar
hoodie
standing against a brick building nearby. He made no move to approach me so I got in my car and drove home.

I am twenty one and legal now as the holidays are approaching.
None of these things that I have always looked so forward to in the past, spark the least bit of interest for me now.

We have a final fund raising political event coming up this weekend and Matthew is beside himself with excitement. He is in his element. Ahead in every poll and getting love form everywhere for being the youngest blah
blahblah
and such an upright outstanding young man blah
blahblah
.

I decline the majority of these events but as this is the last big one, I agree to go. I am sorry that I look forward to his winning and moving across the country to Washington for most of the time.
Shame on me.

Daddy says he will be attending with his usual cronies and the event is snowballing into something huge and the feeling of suffocating grows stronger in me. Daddy says he notices the changes in my personality these past few months, and suggests I need a better therapist or maybe medication. I assure him I am fine.
Just so busy with everything.

The night of the fund raising event is finally here and I look at myself in the mirror. I haven’t worn a formal gown very many times in my life before. I feel like a princess. What girl wouldn’t?
Even a suffocating one.

The soft delicate green of the dress flatters my hair and skin. I thought I was pretty much a black or white girl when it came to formal wear, but when the sales lady insisted I try this on, even though I called it a prom dress from the nineties, I fell in love with how sophisticated and flattering it was.
Nothing like a prom dress.
Beautiful.
My hair is up and I wear subtle jewelry.
All diamonds.
Small solitaire earrings my Father gave me when I graduated from high school. A solitaire necklace I got when I turned twenty one earlier this month, and a tennis bracelet from my sweet sixteen.
All fitting my personality.
I am not a flashy girl.

Matthew is beyond handsome when he arrives to take me, wearing a sharp Tom Ford Tux. Father has already left with his friends and promises to dance with me later. We are on our way in the backseat of the limo. (How crass.) All I can think of is how badly I want this to be over with. I am not a good partner for a politician. No matter how badly Matthew and my father wish otherwise. This is so not me. Trying to be the pleaser is suffocating me now.

We eat dinner and listen to speeches for what seems like hours before the dancing begins. My Father takes the first dance with me. I smile until I feel like my face will break. The feeling of suffocation only gets stronger as this night drags on. In his speech, Matthew referred to me as his “girlfriend” and how much I mean to him and what a great asset I have been to him and how I have been a partner at his side throughout his campaign and he could not have made it without my support. A victory for him is mine as well. What the hell? I have no clue what he is even talking about. I feel like I am being wrapped up in a package for public consumption. The entire thing is an invention.
Invented by Matthew and even my Father.
I continue to smile as my Father finishes our dance telling me how proud he is of me.

Of course, Matthew is there for the second dance and I feel myself stiff and unyielding in his arms. He is so
fake
. Why have I just been going along with him all these months? I continue to smile and get passed from one dance partner to the next. The room is too crowded and I need air badly. When I get the chance I finally step out onto the open terrace.

I walk as far away from the doors and the small crowd of smokers as I can go until there are no people and very little lights. I inhale deeply but the air out here has a lot of smoke and here, now, in my secluded spot there is especially cigar smoke. I go through the exercises that are now so
routine
to calm myself and put my game face on.

I inhale again and I am overwhelmed with that oh so familiar smell mixed with cigar.
Nikolai.

Before I turn around he says “You are so beautiful.” From way too close.

I turn and there he is, almost touching me, with a cigar in hand.

I finally snap.

“Nikolai what are you doing here? What do you want?” I say not caring who hears or notices.

“You know what I want. What I have always wanted. I want you.”

“No Nikolai! You don’t. Stop this! That is never going to happen again. We are never going to happen again. You did this Nikolai! You did this! Just because you were able to make it impossible for me to think straight in the past, I am not stupid! You made sure I went to that club and saw you with those women! You did that! You set the entire thing up! You wanted to be sure I got the message! The Judges daughter! Well guess what? I got the message! You moved on! I moved on! This is me moving on! You stay away from me Nikolai! I Hate You!

And just that moment Matthew is there between is. His arm goes around my waist. He is protecting me from Nikolai even though I was the one on the attack.

“What are you doing
Grekov
?” He asks.

“Just talking to the love of your life Lawson.
Butt out.” Nikolai replies and puts the cigar out on the banister to free his hands.

“I have a security detail here and I am having you thrown out.” Matthew says calmly and I curl into him feeling grateful that he showed up.

Nikolai is furious. He cannot deal with this. I know him so well in some things. And this savage anger I know so well. He has an uncontrollable temper. He snarls behind his scary fake smile at us.

“I just wanted to congratulate her.
And you too.
It sounds like you are on the verge of a wedding. I am sure you will be very happy.”

I know Nikolai isn’t finished by a long shot and tremble in fear at what I think is coming next.

“It takes a lot to make Lauren happy.
A whole lot.
I should know. I know her every secret. I can tell you what she tastes like. I’ve fucked her in every hole over and over and she always takes more.
Greedy bitch that she is.
I don’t think you are old enough to really handle her Daddy issues, but I guess we are all the same when she is bent over our knee getting her ass spanked.”

Everything is swirling and off kilter in my vision and I feel like I am going to do the Victorian thing and faint dead away. But that would be too easy. Matthew is still holding me around the waist but I felt him turn to ice at Nikolai’s words. Two burley security guards each have a hold of Nikolai’s arms and he tells them he was just leaving as the three of them walk away.

I turn tear filled eyes to Matthew and feel sorry for him. I feel so ashamed.
Embarrassed.

“Let’s hope your Father doesn’t hear about any of this. There was no one but you and I out here, but you know things have a way of getting out. Compose yourself and let’s get back to the dance floor before anyone misses us. Matthew says showing his only concern was public image. I thought that he would be gutted by Nikolai’s words, but he seems completely unfazed. It is crazy but if he and I were married he wouldn’t really care that I did all those things with some other man. He would only care if people found out about it.

“Matthew, I feel ill. I’m sorry but I have to leave now. I have to go home. I’m so sorry. Please.”

“Of course.
I apologize. Let me send you home in my car. Do you have a key to get inside of your house when you get there?” He asks. That is Matthew.
Always practical.
Never ruffled.

He walks me out to the waiting car and driver instructing him to take me home and return here for him later. He assures me he will make excuses to my Father for me and I should take some aspirin or something as soon as I get home. A kiss on the forehead goodbye and I know I never want to see Matthew again. His coldness is
almostscarier
than Nikolai’s violence.