Deeper Water (22 page)

‘When will they start?’

‘I’m not exactly sure, but it could be as early as next week. The burning won’t start yet, but they’re going to start felling the trees and stockpiling the woodchips.’

‘How come no one’s talking about it?’

‘They are, Mema.’ He fished the phone from his pocket and checked the time. ‘There’s a lot of talk about it around town ’cause of the potential to generate cash.’

I guess we hadn’t heard.

‘Mema, I’ve got to go. I thought I’d be done days ago but I’ve still got things to sort out.’ He fished some cash from his pocket, handing me three tens. ‘Here’s the money I owe you from the other day. I meant to pay you back when I brought the dog but I forgot.’

I had the notes in one hand and his printout in the other. My throat constricted, it was hard to swallow.

‘You’ll tell your company it’s no good?’ I stammered out. ‘The ones you consult for?’

‘That’s why they pay me.’ He looked at my face. ‘They won’t buy in, but they aren’t the only possible investors.’

He moved to stand. I followed, tucking all the stuff he’d given me into my pocket. Hamish paid at the counter. I didn’t even think to offer him my share. He had a few words with the dimpled girl and I walked out to stand on the street. When he met me on the pavement we both looked at the ground.

‘You know what the funny thing is?’ he asked me, and I shook my head, still all foggy and slow like I’d taken a knock.

‘Those little endangered frogs, they don’t look much different from cane toads when they’re small.’

I watched his face then, focusing in, and he glanced up a bit shy.

‘He emailed me some pictures. To compare. When they are little they look almost the same.’

I don’t know why, but I felt this was Hamish’s way of saying sorry. A sideways, lopsided apology.

‘Well, goodbye Mema,’ he said, and I could tell he was trying to decide whether to hug me. I didn’t much feel like having him that close. I lifted a hand to wave and he lifted his, mirroring me.

‘Come find me in the city if you ever get out.’ He nodded, looking grave. ‘My email’s on the page.’ He pointed at my pocket. ‘Come find me. I want you to.’

I waved my hand and just like that he turned around and walked away. I watched his shiny new shirt from behind, but he didn’t look back. Not even once.

I stood outside the Savoy, stunned and blinking, as if the sun was shining in my eyes, though I was well under the front awning. I couldn’t get my bearings. The street of my town rose around me, buildings large and surreal.

Tomorrow Hamish would be gone. Anja was still missing. And the trees were going to burn.

I stumbled on towards the post office, not knowing quite why. I didn’t see the man till he was right in front of me.

‘Hey, Mema.’

I looked up, startled, ’cause I didn’t know his name.

‘Wanna come for a walk to the river?’

He was youngish, stocky, dry lipped and greedy looking. Something about his eyes disturbed me. I shook my head and tried to walk past.

‘What? Too good for me?’ He grabbed my arm.

‘What are you doing?’ My voice came out quiet, swallowed.

‘Heard you been fucking Billy’s brains out.’ The words dropped from his mouth like they were nothing special, but my cheeks stung as though I’d been slapped. He stepped up real close. ‘Thought you might be up for it. Like mother, like daughter.’ His grip on my arm tightened.

‘What?’ I tried to twist myself free but he held on.

‘I’d give ya something,’ he hissed. ‘I heard Billy doesn’t even pay.’

I stared at him a moment, seeing the hardness in his smile. His fingers were digging into my skin. I tried to wrench myself free but he held firm, pulling me even closer.

‘Don’t fight it,’ he whispered. ‘I know ya want it.’ He stepped sideways off the edge of the footpath, tugging me along after him. ‘Come on, Mema,’ he urged, and I realised he was prepared to drag me.

Must have been instinct, but I kicked him then, in the shins with my old black boots, and he grunted, loosening his grip. Jerking away, I stepped around him real quick and ran. I loped down the street, everything blurring with tears. When I burst into the post office I couldn’t breathe. The air was stuck in my throat. I was clogged with tears.

‘Honey,’ Rosie said, taking me in. ‘What happened?’

I could feel the grip of the man’s fingers on my skin, the force of his hold. His words echoed around in my head.

Like mother, like daughter.

I lifted my arm to cover my face.

Heard you been fucking Billy’s brains out.

What Billy and I had done was so private, so unspeakable, I’d never thought he might talk about it. Or how those words would come to light. What they’d sound like once they moved from the cover of night. The morphing of something beautiful into something plain and ordinary, dirty even.

I heard Billy doesn’t even pay.

I pressed the heels of my palms against my eyes and Rosie carried a chair out from behind the counter and hovered beside me making comforting sounds. I sat down, but I couldn’t speak, only cry, odd hiccupping sobs. Her husband stood against the back wall, sorting mail, envelopes in hand. He peered at me, detached but curious.

‘I’ll go check the street,’ he said after a minute, stepping outside.

‘Something give you a fright?’ Rosie asked, tentatively touching my shoulder.

I nodded, but there was no way I was talking about it.

‘Snake?’ she asked. ‘Or something else?’

Rosie had worked in the post office as long as I could remember, but I’d never been physically close to her. She’d never come over to the other side of the counter. I’d only ever seen her from the waist up. As though she was half a person. She was bigger than I’d thought. Solid and hearty.

I shook my head, my sobbing slowing. Embarrassment creeping in.

‘Not a snake.’ My voice croaked. It was an odd thing to get precious about—but I would
never
be scared like that by a snake.

‘You have a run-in with someone?’ Rosie asked, looking me up and down.

I shook my head, snuffling my nose against the back of my hand.

Rosie passed me a tissue. ‘I’ve known you since you were just a little thing and I’ve never seen you do anything but smile.’

I blew my nose a little and rolled the tissue into a ball, looking around for a bin.

‘Your mum used to come in here in all those pretty clothes, bells tinkling round her ankles, pop you right up on the counter. Such a happy thing you were, always holding out your little arms for a cuddle. Used to make my day.’

I remembered a lot, but I had no memory of that.

‘I always used to watch you tagging along behind those big brothers of yours.’ Rosie stood beside me talking, lightly rubbing my shoulder. ‘Saw you got a postcard from one of them. That’s good news, hey? Nearly broke your mother’s heart to see them go, one by one like that. She just plain wilted.’

I nodded, still holding the tissue.

‘She wasn’t your classic beauty, your mum. But she had something.’

This took me by surprise.

‘When she first moved here with that fella of hers—Sophie’s dad—all the blokes in town … well, they all went wild.’ Rosie sighed. ‘But that was a different time, all that fresh blood flooding in from the cities, everyone trying new things. They shook things up around here, I can tell you.’

‘Bloody hippies …’ I muttered, knowing that’s how the town saw us.

Rosie smiled. ‘It was a good thing, Mema. Town needed a shake-up.’

I couldn’t help remembering how big the world had once seemed. Full of people, full of promise. They’d all moved on to some other more forgiving place.

‘You remind me of her at your age.’ Rosie said that like it was a good thing. ‘I guess people must say that all the time.’

‘No one,’ I sniffed. ‘I’m all dark, like my dad was.’

Rosie raised her eyebrows. ‘No, you’re pretty in just the same way as your mum. Colouring’s a little different, but that’s nothing. People get fooled so easy.’

I felt like she was trying to tell me something but I didn’t know what.

‘She’s strong, your mum. Took care of the bunch of you all on her own. You never see her turn to drink like half this town, even when life throws her a bum deal.’

That was true enough.

‘And the way she took on Jim’s girl after the mother died. Tried to keep her safe. No one else lifted a finger.’

Anja.

‘You seen her lately?’ I asked, remembering why I’d come.

Rosie’s fingers stilled on my back.

‘The wildcard? She’s usually with you.’

‘I haven’t seen her for a bit.’

‘Oh.’ Rosie peered out the window behind me, checking the street. ‘Well, she was hanging about in town making eyes at that newcomer, but I haven’t seen her for a few days. Jim’s been causing trouble at the pub, but that’s nothing new.’

Rosie’s husband stepped back in from the street. ‘Couldn’t see nothing. That Tony what’s-his-face was lurking around, though.’ He looked at me sharp. ‘I told him to fuck off. He say something to ya?’

I shrugged. ‘I don’t know who he is.’

‘Best to stay away from him,’ Rosie’s husband said. ‘He’s …’

‘A bit of a fuckwit,’ she finished for him. ‘Let’s not beat around the bush.’

I guess that much was true.

‘He hightailed it,’ the man said, watching me real close. ‘He didn’t touch ya, did he?’

I thought of the man’s grip on my arm, the way he’d pulled me. No one had ever touched me like that.

‘I just—’ The wrongness of it made my belly roll. I shook my head to try to clear it.

‘You want a glass of water?’ Rosie asked, gesturing to her bloke to go and get it. They lived out the back and he went over and came out with a glass, handing it across the counter to Rosie who gave it to me.

Sipping the water, I wondered about Anja. Where she could be. ‘You haven’t seen Anja in town? For a few days?’

She shook her head.

‘Child services should have done something,’ Rosie said. ‘Not left her up there. She needed protection.’

I knew Rosie was right, but if they’d taken Anja away I’d never have gotten to know her.

‘Your mum tried to take her in, you know, as a foster carer, but it wasn’t far enough away, she just kept on running back up the hill.’

No one had ever told me that. Funny the things you didn’t know, even when it was your own mum. I sat there sipping water, imagining Anja really was my sister. We’d always pretended to be related.

‘I hope she gets away someday,’ Rosie said, moving back behind the counter. ‘This place isn’t right for a girl like her.’

I took a last sip of the water, wondering what sort of girl this place was right for.

‘Thanks, Rosie,’ I said, standing up and putting the glass on the counter. My hand was still shaking. ‘I better go. Sophie’ll be waiting.’

‘Alright, sweetheart. You take care now.’

From the doorway, I peered outside, scanning for Tony, but there was no sign of him. I looked back at Rosie one more time before I stepped out the door. It was odd, but I felt like she could see inside me, all my secrets. Like I was suddenly laid bare.

All the way home I could smell smoke. I was so dazed I was thinking it was inside my brain, but then Sophie wound down the car window and sniffed the air.

‘I think there’s a fire,’ she said, peering along the road. ‘Strange, when it’s been so wet.’

I sat up straighter, looking around. The air was a touch hazy.

‘Maybe someone’s burning off,’ she added.

Sophie hadn’t said anything when I’d arrived at the park all puffy-faced. I’d run the whole way, watching out for Tony, but no one stepped into my path. I was out of breath when I got there. Sophie just put her arm around me and gave me a squeeze. I didn’t know how to tell her what had happened.

‘No Anja?’ she asked, now we were back on the road.

‘Rosie hasn’t seen her.’

‘You see the flood guy in town?’

Nodding, I felt my chest tighten.

‘Bumped into Lorraine.’ Sophie paused a second, I could feel her weighing her words. ‘She said he had a thing going on with that waitress girl.’

I looked back out the window. What could I say?

‘That sucks, Mema.’ I guess it was sweet of her not to say I told you so.

‘It’s alright,’ I said, thinking of the smoke and what was going to happen to the trees. They hadn’t started chipping the camphors yet, so it couldn’t be those that were burning. And the mill always had a smoky plume. Surely if they were already camphor-burning it wouldn’t make the whole sky hazy.

‘He wasn’t right for you.’ Sophie said that real quiet, tentatively. I didn’t know if it was true. I didn’t know anything. ‘Baby-girl,’ she whispered, ‘the first one’s always hard.’

That made me think of Billy. I wanted to cover my face again but I didn’t. The haze was getting thicker, the sky white not blue. ‘Shit,’ Sophie said, ‘I hope it’s not close to us.’

Suddenly it was plain smoky and we wound the windows up.

‘It must be close,’ I whispered, peering towards home. We were quiet then and I turned to check the babies. They weren’t asleep yet, but hypnotised-looking, eyes all misty.

Sophie switched on the local radio to find out if there were any reports, but there was just an old country song playing. She put her foot on the accelerator and we surged forward. I could feel her anxiety mingling with mine. It seemed airless inside the car, but I didn’t want to wind the window down.

In the back, Lila started to grizzle. I turned around and clutched her foot.

‘It’s okay, little one,’ I murmured, but I was worried. ‘We’re nearly home.’

Sophie was pale as we drove up our driveway and saw how thick the smoke was, but we both breathed out when we saw the house come into view.

‘Baby-girl,’ Sophie said absently, looking around for Mum, ‘I better drop you here and run. Check that my place is alright.’ I still couldn’t see any sign of fire, just lots of smoke. ‘I’ll whip over and come back.’

I stepped out.

‘Alright.’ I nodded, shutting the door and peering down at her through the window. ‘But don’t be long.’

Watching her drive off, I wondered if I should have tried to make her stay, but it was too late now, she was gone. I looked around for Mum and found her out the back, up a ladder clutching the hose, filling the gutters with water.

‘Mema,’ her voice was shaky, ‘can you hold the ladder for me?’

Rushing over, I grabbed the metal sides. Mum didn’t much like heights.

‘What’s happening?’ I called up to her.

She didn’t answer, just adjusted the hose.

‘We never get fires in the wet season. It only flooded two weeks ago. Everything’s still soggy—’

‘Mema.’ Mum cut me off. ‘You got to stay here with me.’

I nodded. I was holding the ladder, where else would I go?

‘You promise me?’ She looked me hard in the face. ‘Promise.’

‘I promise.’

‘It’s Jim’s place, darling.’ It might have been the smoke, but Mum’s eyes looked teary. ‘It’s got to be deliberate.’

Anja.

My whole body started to tremble. I was clutching the ladder so hard my fingers turned white. I couldn’t let go. Mum started clambering down towards me and when she got close to the bottom she turned around and tugged me free and into her arms.

‘The forest’s still damp, hopefully it won’t take. Frank’s gone up there. The fire engine’s coming.’

I couldn’t speak. My face was frozen.

‘Jim’s in the lockup in town. Frank said he got in a brawl last night at the pub.’ Mum was staring at the mountain behind us. ‘The wind’s blowing up the mountain now but the minute it changes, we’ve got to get in the car and drive.’

‘Anja?’ I choked out, hanging onto my mum like a life buoy.

She couldn’t look at me, but the lines on her forehead were hard and deep.

‘No one’s seen her,’ Mum croaked. ‘Come on, you got to help me pack stuff in the car. I’ve got Thor and the pup in there already.’

It was Anja’s fire. That much I knew.

‘Where’s Sophie?’ Mum asked, still holding on to me. She peered over my shoulder, like she’d expected her to be right there.

I shook my head, trying to clear my brain. ‘She went back to check the cabin. We didn’t know how close it was.’

I could feel Mum’s body tense around me. ‘Why would she do that?’

‘We didn’t know where the fire was,’ I stammered out.

‘The wind’s blowing it the other way from her.’ Mum stared in the direction of Sophie’s cabin even though you couldn’t see it from our house.

‘Do you think she’s in it?’ I whispered.

‘No, she’ll just grab the photos and get the kids out. She’s got her head screwed on right.’

‘
Anja
.’ My eyes brimmed. ‘I mean
Anja
.’

I pulled myself free of my mother’s hold.

‘Please don’t go up there, Baby-girl.
Please
.’ I’d never heard her plead. ‘Frank’s already up there. You can’t do more.’ Her voice was breaking at the edges. ‘I can’t have you all scattered. You stay here.’

I looked up the mountain. The bush was so thick, there was nothing to see. Just the smoke around us, filling the sky. I didn’t say a word, but the tears started slipping from my eyes. Mum reached out and swept them away with the flat of her hand, rough, like she used to do with my brothers.

‘She’ll be okay, she’s as wily as a cat,’ Mum said softly. ‘Maybe it was time she burned that place down.’ She pulled me up the steps and inside the back door. ‘You got to grab what you want. We don’t have time to dilly-dally.’

I looked around the house. All our things scattered about. There was nothing I needed. Mum started rushing around but I just stood stock still. Then I went to my room. My clothes all hanging where I’d left them, my unmade bed with the dirty towel, all my sticks and rocks and nests. I couldn’t make any kind of decision. What to take and what to let go? I looked out the window, the rolling green of the hills, smoke settling like mist, and then I saw it. Smoke drifting up in a new column. And straight away I knew what it was.

The shack.

I was out the door and running before Mum could think to stop me.

‘Mema!’ I could hear her yelling behind me, but I didn’t even slow. I knew she couldn’t follow with her bung knees.

The smoke spiralled in the distance, billowing up in curls. I focused on it as I ran, the heat of the day bearing down on me, nothing but Anja in my mind. When I got closer I saw the glow. Panting, my face slick with sweat, I ran towards the fire till I could see the lick of the flames.

Stopping then, I watched the burning shack. Even from a distance it radiated heat. Fire flickered out from the crooked windows, caressing the edges of the open door. Parts of the roof thudded to the ground, all the debris hissing and crackling within. In the distance I could hear the wail of the fire engine heading up the hill, but it barely registered.

The burning shack stood on open ground, not hemmed in by the bush like Jim’s place on the hill. There were a few big old camphors along the fence line, but not close enough for the fire to spread—it’d just burn itself out. I scanned the paddocks for Anja and saw her sitting a little way off, clutching her knees. From this distance she looked lost and small, crushed. Keeping well clear of the heat, I moved towards her. When I got close I saw she had a big metal petrol container. She was perched beside it on the grass. They were heavy, those things, hard to carry. I had a vision of her dragging it cross-country.

‘Anja,’ I called out softly. She turned towards my voice, eyes a little glazed. She was smudged with black and at first I thought it was soot, but when I reached her I realised it was bruising. All along the side of her face, her arms. One black eye, busted lip.

‘He gotcha real bad,’ I said, rage rising inside me. If Jim was here I swear I would have struck him down. I wanted to touch her but I didn’t know how. I stood there, hot and helpless beside her. She seemed to focus on me then, take me in.

‘All along I thought it was him,’ she whispered, ‘but it wasn’t.’

I crouched down. ‘Who?’

‘The flood guy.’

I didn’t know what she was getting at. Her blonde hair was sticking to her cheeks. I stretched a hand towards her but she flinched away from my touch.

‘It was
him
.’ She was twitching a little, eyes large and spooked. ‘Billy.’

‘Billy?’ I guess I mustn’t have been thinking straight to ask that.

Her fist clenched, gripping something.

‘What you got?’ I asked, holding out my palm.

She looked at me, face brittle, and then she uncurled her fingers. I could see them there, sun-bleached and stiff, my crumpled undies. The ones I’d left at the shack days before. I was hot already, half-baked by the fire and the sun, but I could feel my face start to burn. I leaned forward to grab them but she sprang away out of my reach.

‘How could you?’ She choked on the words. ‘With
him
?’

I had no answer to that. All I’d done with Billy flashed before my eyes. It seemed a world away, in the cool of the darkness. It didn’t hold up in the light of day.

‘Anja …’ I didn’t know how to set things right. ‘I just …’

‘We were happy, weren’t we?’ she asked, eyes filling up.

I nodded, holding out my hand, willing her to move towards me. She looked away, staring at the fire. I stepped up a bit closer and she took off then, straight down towards the shack.

I could hear myself scream and then I was running too, right into the heart of it. Up close the heat was blistering and we both stopped short. I grabbed at her arm, clinging on hard, but she wrestled with me, elbowing herself free. Losing my balance, I crumpled sideways onto the scorched grass. From the ground I watched as she lobbed my undies straight into the fire. They were swallowed up without a sound—a millisecond in time—and the shack began to slowly sag and collapse inwards, a new blast of heat bursting out. Anja stood there mesmerised, watching the whole thing burn. I tried to scramble up, but the way I’d fallen I was struggling, the heat pulsing against my face.

‘Anja,’ I called to her, and she pulled me up, tugging me backwards along the grass towards the petrol container. Once we were there, we carried it further back, under the shade of the nearest tree, and collapsed together onto the ground. The container was empty now, so it wasn’t so heavy. The shape of the shack had vanished. All that was left was a bonfire.

Anja turned towards me, her fury gone.

‘I can’t stay here, Mema. Dad’ll kill me.’

I shook my head, curling on my side to face her. ‘No, he’s in the lockup.’

‘I burned his place down. You know how long he’s been building that.’ Her lips turned up at the corner. The smallest smile. For the first time I noticed there was no lipstick. I don’t think she was wearing make-up at all. ‘When he gets out he’s going to fucking kill me.’

‘You can live with us.’ I smoothed her hair back from her face. Up close, Anja had freckles. I couldn’t usually see them under the foundation. She looked young, just a girl. ‘Mum won’t mind.’

‘I should have left years ago.’

I knew I’d cry then, even if she wouldn’t.

‘There’s something wrong with me, Mema,’ she whispered. ‘I can’t stay away from him.’

‘He’s your dad.’

She grasped my hand, holding my fingers to her lips. ‘No, it’s more than that. It’s like a sickness. I fight it but I never win.’

I didn’t know what to say to that. I could feel them, all the tears welling up in the back of my throat.

‘They’ll charge me with arson.’

‘They’ll know he deserved it. They’ll take one look at your face.’

Anja shook her head slowly. ‘I have to go. Today.’

She leaned towards me then, kissing me softly on the mouth. All I could do was cry.

We both sensed him before we could see him. Sitting up we watched as he materialised at the side of the paddock, walking slowly towards us.
Billy.
He glanced at the burning shack, but he didn’t stop. We sat there huddled together, Anja and me. I didn’t bother trying to wipe away my tears.

He stopped at the edge of the shade, just looking at us.

‘Burning shit?’ he said finally, and Anja flicked her sweaty hair half-heartedly, staring him down.

He looked at the ground for a minute and I took in the contours of his face. He was beautiful, even in the hot sun, even in the broad daylight. My stomach dipped strangely.

‘So, you guys lezzos or what?’ He asked it straight up, but I could see he was hurting. Then I thought of the man on the street, of what he’d said to me.
Heard you been fucking Billy’s brains out.

I shook my head, lips trembling, mouth wet. ‘We just … love each other.’

Anja gripped my hand hard.

‘You fucking around with me, were ya?’ he threw at me. ‘Why’d you do that if you loved her?’ He kicked at the dirt, tearing up tufts of grass. ‘You playing with me?’

A game. I wriggled free of Anja’s grasp. ‘I …’

‘She was just trying it out,’ Anja said, looking at me sideways. I knew that’s what I’d told Jim in the hut. Out there in the open paddock it shamed me.

There was silence between us, stretching out.

‘But weren’t you?’ I asked Billy, finally, stumbling to my feet, pulling Anja up beside me. ‘Isn’t that what you were doing? Trying it out?’