Deeper (29 page)

“Ha,
really now? I don’t seem to recall you complaining about my grip on other
appendages of that sexy body of yours.”

“Oh
well that’s different,” he said, winking at me.

I
smiled and took a deep breath, enjoying the moment of comfort before the next
inevitable contraction hit me.

I
felt like I was dying, like my body was being ripped apart from the inside
out…and I was cherishing every moment of it.

It
was close to six in the morning and I had been in active labor for almost seven
hours. Dr. Mitchell had checked my progress at four o’clock and I was fully
dilated and ready to push. I thought that the end was close and that we’d
finally get to meet our baby, but after pushing for just over two hours nothing
was happening. I kept hearing the words “vacuum”, “forceps”, and even “cesarean
section” but I blocked everyone out. I had waited so long, went through much
worse pain, to be in this moment and there was nothing, nothing at all, that
anyone could say to me that would convince me to have any interference in
delivering my child. No matter how painful this experience was, it was a sacred
and beautiful one and something I probably would never have again. I was bound
and determined to feel every single bit of it.

“Okay
Jessie, get ready to push again,” Dr. Mitchell said and I leaned my head up,
readying myself. “You’ve really got to push as hard as you can because you’ve
not made any progress in the last thirty minutes.”

“Okay
I can do it,” I answered and I caught a glimpse of Kris’ terrified expression
before I took a deep breath and pushed with every bit of strength I had.

Kris
held onto my hand for dear life as I pushed hard, the pain ripping through me
to the point that I was nauseous. When I stopped to take a breath, I looked
into Kris’ eyes and his face was white and ashen. He looked completely
panicked.

“You
only have a few seconds before you have to push again, Jessie. You made some
progress but you just have to keep it up,” Dr. Mitchell stated.

“Jess,
baby, maybe you should think about letting the doctor do something to help
you,” he said, practically pleading.

“No
Kris, I want to do this on my own. The baby’s almost here,” I said, barely
getting the words out before I felt another contraction. I leaned up again and
pushed with all my might and the burning was so intense that I thought for a
moment that I was going to faint.

“Good,
Jessie, keep going. The baby’s head is almost out,” said Dr. Mitchell. “Kris,
do you want to see?”

I
looked at him and almost laughed. I knew he wanted to see it but I could tell
he was terrified of how horrible it would look.

“Kris,
it’s okay. I don’t want you to miss it,” I told him.

“Jessie,
it’s almost time. Get ready. Kris, if you want to watch come stand behind me,”
Dr. Mitchell commanded.

Kris
looked back to me and I nodded at him. “Go. I’ve got this,” I said and leaned
my head up again and pushed with every bit of energy I had left.

“Keep
pushing, the baby is almost here!” said the doctor and I looked over at Kris as
he watched the birth of our child. I expected him to still look freaked out or
scared but his expression had changed and he was staring in amazement.

I
took another deep breath before I gave one final push and suddenly, through the
craziness, I felt instant relief from the pain followed by the single most
beautiful sound I’d ever heard in my life…our baby’s first cry.

“Well
hello there, little one! Kris, do you want to tell Jessie what it is?” asked
Dr. Mitchell.

My
eyes met Kris’ and he had tears streaming down his cheeks. With beaming pride
and so much love, he reverently told me, “It’s a boy. Jess, we have a son.”

My
heart swelled in that instant and suddenly I was in love with two boys…I had a
son. Tears were rolling uncontrollably down my face and I smiled at Kris as the
doctor placed my newborn son on my chest. I protectively placed one arm around
him while I gently traced the perfect curves of his tiny face with my
fingertips.

“Hello,
sweet boy,” I said softly to him and tried to soothe him as he cried. “It’s
okay angel, Mommy’s got you.”

Kris
quickly moved to us and I expected him to lean down and kiss our son’s head but
before he did he pressed his lips to mine, his bottom lip quivering as emotion
consumed him. I could taste the salt of his tears as he gave me several quick
kisses. “You’re amazing, Jessie Engle. I love you so, so much.”

“I
love you too,” I answered, beaming at him.

He
moved to our baby and kissed his forehead gently, whispering, “Hello little
man. You’re beautiful mommy and I have been waiting a lifetime for you.”

“He’s
gorgeous, isn’t he?” I asked.

Kris
looked up at me and blinked away happy tears before saying, “He’s absolutely
perfect. Thank you, Jessie.”

I
smiled at him. “What are you thanking me for? We made this little angel
together. Everything beautiful we’ve ever done in our lives we’ve done as a
team.”

He
leaned in and kissed me gently. “We always will.”

We
spent a few moments bonding with our son before a nurse carried him over to be
weighed and checked out. He weighed seven pounds and two ounces and was
twenty-one inches long. Once the nurse brought him back and placed him into my
arms, he was wide awake and I finally got a look at his eyes. My heart clenched
as they were a perfect mix of blue and green. I knew there was a chance that
his eyes would change but I had a gut feeling that they would stay that color
and would be the cause of many broken hearts down the road.

“So,
Mommy, does this little guy have a name yet?” Dr. Mitchell asked me.

Kris
and I decided on two names, one for a girl and one for a boy, and we both
agreed to use our initials when naming the baby. This was probably our one shot
at having children so we wanted to give the baby a piece of us and decided to
use the initials of both our first names for our child.

Kris
looked at me for approval and I nodded at him, letting him know I was still
okay with the name we’d chosen. “We do. Kallum Jace Engle.”

Dr.
Mitchell smiled and answered, “That’s a great name, I like it.”

Kallum
squeaked and blinked his eyes a few times. “I think he likes it too,” I said
softly. I gently stroked his soft hair with my thumb and rocked him gently in
my arms. “Welcome to the world, Kallum. I promise your daddy and I will do
everything we can to make sure you have everything we never had. You will
always have a warm bed, a full tummy, and lots of family and friends that will
remind you every single day that you are loved and wanted.”

Kris
kissed my forehead as I wept with joy. I’d never known this kind of happiness
in my life, never thought it was ever possible. Despite my blissful feeling, I
shed tears for the little girl we lost. Even though it had been ten years since
we lost her, her spirit was still felt in every breath I took and one day
Kallum would know about her. Until then, I planned on making sure he knew he
had an extra angel up there looking out for him.

Soon
Kallum was all clean and snug in his blanket and I was all stitched and ready
to move to my recovery room. As soon as Dr. Mitchell told us that it was time
to go, Kris asked, “Do you want me to call everyone?”

“Yes,
definitely. I’m sure everyone is awake by now. I can’t wait for everyone to
meet him,” I answered, still lightly touching his perfect little face.

He
leaned in and kissed my lips, lingering a few moments before pulling away. “I
don’t think you’ll ever know in your whole life how much I love you.”

I
beamed at him and replied, “Believe me, I think I do. I loved you long before
you knew.”

“Thank
God you did.”

“I
always will, Kris. Always.”

He
smiled and swallowed hard. He kissed me once more before saying, “Always. I’ll
be right back.” He moved to the corner of the room and began calling all of our
family and friends, one by one and beaming with pride as he told them that our
son had arrived.

I
watched him call each one of our family to tell them we had a son as I cradled
Kallum to my chest. For a brief moment, I closed my eyes and took a deep
breath.
This
was my dream. It wasn’t about being rich or famous. I just
wanted to be a wife and a mother. This was the only thing I’d ever really
wanted and I think in that moment I loved my husband even more.

I’d
lived a life that no child should. I’d been hungry. I’d been cold. I’d been
scared. I’d been beaten. I’d never have guessed that the day that I stared out
the tiny, dingy window of my old apartment and wished that I could play with
the handsome, blonde boy that lived down the hall from me that I was looking
into my future.

Kris
had promised long ago to make all my dreams come true and he absolutely did. I
was a truly blessed woman.

The End…for now!

Here
I am, writing acknowledgements for my eighth book…that blows my mind. I am
still in such awe that anyone would want to read my books, let alone love and
embrace them as much as you all have. I am humbled beyond belief and truly
blessed to get to tell these stories and share them. Thank you to all the
readers who have loved any and all of my characters. I put a piece of myself
into each and every one of them and to hear you love them touches my heart.
Thank you.

Thank
you to my husband James and our three daughters. Everything I do is for you…for
us. Every sleepless night, long drive, longer work hours…you are the reasons
for everything I do. I love you all!

Thank
you so much to my amazing Rebel family! Jennie and Sammy…you two ladies have
been there for me when I literally wanted to burn down the world. It’s been an
incredibly hard year for my family and even when I wanted to shut down and
completely give up, you wouldn’t let me and reminded me that there really are
caring and loving people in this world that will fight for you until the end. I
love you two beyond measure.

To
Shona…what a blessing it’s been to know such a sweet, caring, loving woman like
you! You’ve touched my heart with all of your kind words and comfort chocolate
(I promise not to send you the dentist bills, lol) and the only regret I have
in knowing you is that you don’t live closer to me so I can hug you!

To
Terri Anne Browning, the author that I look up to the most! It still amazes me
that you are someone I am honored to call a friend. I have been a hardcore fan
of yours since I found your first book and read the first sentence and my
admiration will never cease. Once again, I have to give a special thank you to
Mike Browning for being such an awesome friend…you both are hands down the
coolest married couple on Earth and I love you both!

Thank
you to my Rebels for all the support and love! You have all been so incredibly
patient with me while I wrote this book. It took such a long time because not
only did I want to get this story right but I suffered the loss of my brother
during the writing process. You are the BEST readers any author could ask for
and thank you a million times over for all the love!

To
my wonderful beta team…Jennie, Shona, Melanie, and Maria. Thank you ladies for
your continued support and all the feedback! You helped shape this story and I
appreciate all the advice!

Thank
you to all of the fellow indie authors I have met during my journey. I have
learned something from each and every one of you and admire you all so much.

And
last but never least…thank you readers. I go without sleeping, eating, showering
(gross I know, haha), and time with friends and family to make sure you have a
(hopefully) good story to read to take your mind off things for a while.
Because of you I get to do something I’ve loved to do since I was a kid and get
paid for it. I am forever humbled by the support and promise to do my best to
make you proud.

Jessie
and Kris both endured years of abuse from their parents. While they are
fictional characters, abuse is a very real problem. Abuse of any kind is in no
way okay and we all need to band together to put an end to this. If you suspect
someone you know is being abused physically, emotionally, mentally, verbally,
or sexually, please encourage them to get help or contact your local police to
report it. Abuse will never end if no one breaks the cycle.

I
encourage all of you to please donate to a special trust account set up for my
late friend Casey Krebs’ children. She was an amazing mother and wonderful
friend who was taken way too soon due to domestic violence. She would have done
anything for her children and I want to help them now that she can’t. The
information is below…please donate if you can.

PrimeTrust Financial Account
#980224

3700 W. Bethel Ave.

Muncie, IN 47304

Phone Number: (765) 281-6003

www.primetrustcu.com