Deep Surrendering: Episode Nine

Deep Surrenderings, Episode 9

Copyright
© 2014 Chelsea M. Cameron
www.chelseamcameron.com

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are use fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, business establishments or locales is entirely coincidental.

No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. All rights reserved.

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Copyright
© Chelsea M. Cameron

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“Hi,” I said, my voice coming out as a squeak.

“Hello, Marisol.” I tried to figure out his mood based on the tone of voice he’d used, but couldn’t. Fin was good at keeping himself in check when he really wanted to.

“So, um, we talked. She told me about the money.” She told me a lot of other things, too. That he hadn’t seen her since that one time I knew about. That she thought I was good for him.

“She did.” It wasn’t a question, and he didn’t seem surprised.

“Yes. I just don’t understand why you’d do it, and why you’d hide that from me.” I wasn’t angry, just curious. I could imagine all kinds of reasons he hadn’t told me, but I wanted to hear it from him.

He sighed and I hopped back up on the bed. The headache was still lingering behind my eyeballs, so I dry swallowed two pills as Fin tried to put his words together.

“I’m not sure if I can answer why I did it. I just . . . did. Maybe it was guilt, maybe I felt sorry for her, maybe a million things. At the time it was mostly in rebellion. My father had paid for her the first time, and I wanted to make up for that and show him that my money had power too. And after a few years it just became a habit. I was also visiting her regularly and she helped me through a lot of dark times. Mostly with her body, but sometimes we’d just talk. I didn’t have anyone in my life like that, so I guess it was almost like therapy. Are you upset with me?”

“No,” I said immediately. “I’m not. If you’d lied to me and gone to see her, yeah, I sure as hell would be. But not over this. It’s really sweet in a way.”

Fin scoffed. “If I was really sweet, I wouldn’t have tied her up so many times. But she liked it as much as I did. I used to ask her if she ever wanted to leave the lifestyle, and she always told me that it was where she belonged.”

She’d said as much to me.

“But that’s the thing. You didn’t do anything that she didn’t consent to,” I said.

“I suppose. But I’m not some philanthropist, Marisol. I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life, and even if I gave all my money away and devoted my life to serving others, it still wouldn’t undo that.”

“Are you talking about Eduardo?” He had to know that wasn’t his fault. None of the “bad” things he’d told me about had been completely his fault. I wished I could make him see that.

“About him, about a lot of things. I know I keep telling you that I’m not a good person, but I need you to believe me. I can be better, but I can never truly be good. Too much has happened.”

I didn’t believe that for one second.

“Well, I think we’re going to have to agree to disagree on that.”

Fin chuckled. “And that, Marisol, is why you are an eternal optimist.”

I didn’t really think of myself that way. I tended to think about worst case scenarios a lot more than I should. But maybe Fin was my exception. I just saw something in him that he couldn’t see in himself, and I’d never stop reminding him of it.

“What else did you talk about?” he asked, and I filled him in on a few more things, but I kept some of it to myself. The talk with Sapphire had felt so intimate. She was the kind of person who could see under facades and through walls to what people were really like. It must come in handy in her line of work.

“She’s . . . something else,” I said. There really weren’t a whole lot of words to describe Sapphire.

“She is. She’s one of the only people I might actually call a friend.” As long as it was platonic from here on out, I didn’t have too much of a problem with them being . . . friends. Yes, it made me jealous and uncomfortable, but I could get past that for him. I could.

“Do you think you’ll see her again? I mean, not see her, see her. Just hang out. With no bondage.”

He laughed again. “I don’t know. It’s easier to talk to her when we’re in that place. It’s a safe space where you can’t be judged. Where every desire and whim and feeling is permitted. In the outside world, not everything is safe like that. I don’t even know how it would work, really.” Yeah, that would probably be a strange transition to make.

“I can imagine. Well, I can’t, because I don’t even know what a place like that would look like. I’ve seen movies and read books and everything, but I don’t know if my imagination is running wild, or if the reality would match the picture in my mind,” I said.

“You could go, if you wanted to. I’m sure Sapphire would take you around. During the day, when no one’s there.”

Now there was a proposition.

“I really don’t think I’m ready for that, Fin.” It made my stomach flutter uncomfortably when I thought about it. Definitely not. Playing with Fin in the bedroom was one thing, but seeing where he’d done things with another woman was too much.

“You’re probably right. It was just an idea. It’s not as scary as you think, Marisol.”

There was no way to know for sure, unless I went. “Maybe sometime. But I’ll probably have to be drunk and totally psych myself up for it.”

He was silent on the other end, and I checked my phone to make sure the call hadn’t dropped. Sometimes international calls could be finicky.

“Marisol, I need to go. I’ll call you again when I can. I hope you got the answers you needed from Sapphire.”

I’d gotten some of them, but I didn’t think I’d ever quite unravel the mysteries of Fin Herald. Not in this lifetime, at least.

“Okay. I love you. Bye, Fin.”

“Goodbye, Marisol.”

I lay back on his bed and stared at the ceiling. I had way too much information banging around in my brain. It was only eight o’clock, but I decided to call it a night and go to sleep. Knowing my thoughts wouldn’t give me a break, I took a sleeping pill to make sure I shut down. I’d get up and deal with everything else tomorrow. For now, I just wanted to sleep and not think for a while.

The pill was a good idea at night when I needed to sleep, but not so much the next morning when I actually had to get up. It was like pulling teeth to get myself out of Fin’s bed. I hadn’t even changed out of my clothes, and my hair was a wreck.

I stumbled to the coffeemaker and got it going. I’d need at least two cups before I’d even feel remotely human again. I pulled the French vanilla creamer out of the fridge and set it on the counter, sighing.

Fin needed to come back. Like, yesterday. I needed him here. Things with my mother were starting to look stable, but her mind was only going to deteriorate from here on out, and I didn’t know how to handle that.

Finally, I had two cups of coffee in me, and I was awake enough to get some food, get dressed, and head to class.

I wasn’t expecting to hear from Fin, so it didn’t surprise me when he didn’t call the rest of the day. I did, however, get a call from my father. Shit, I was supposed to call him last night.

He left me a voicemail since I was in class when he called, and I headed outside of the local café on my break to listen to it. I wished I could get him to embrace the text message, but that ship had probably sailed a long time ago.

I called him back. “Hey, Dad. I’m so sorry I didn’t get back to you. I feel just awful about it.”

“No, no, it’s fine. I understand you have a life and you’re busy.”

Well if that didn’t make me feel like shit, I didn’t know what would.

“It’s not fine, Dad. I should have called.” I sighed and then launched into the information I’d gotten from the woman at the nursing service. “So, if you want, we can set up interviews for tomorrow. Do you want to do them at the house? I think that would be best so they can meet Mom and see everything.” See what they were going to be dealing with, I didn’t say. I hadn’t thought past getting Dad some help. I hadn’t even thought about how my mother was going to take this. Something told me it wouldn’t be pretty. She didn’t take kindly to anyone telling her what to do.

Oh well. We’d cross that bridge when we got there.