Deceptions (32 page)

Tou cannot speak to me this—*

*My taxes pay your salary, Mrs Casey; you work for me. Please let me finish. As long as I am Penny's mother, I intend to do all I can to help her feel good about herself. I want her to feel confident that she can do things on her own, though not ashamed to ask for help when she needs it. I will not have her squashed into the subservient lump of humility you seem to require in order to feel powerfiil.'

'How dare—'

*I am not quite finished. I give you two choices. I can have Penny transferred to another sixUi-grade class and give a full explanation of my reasons to your principal. Or I will allow Penny to stay if you can convince me you will concentrate on teaching instead of tyranizing.'

Mrs Casey was silent, twisting her hands in her lap. The rigid muscles of her neck had given way and her head trembled like a dried flower on a bent stalk. Sabrina, in the midst of her anger, felt pity. She had guessed that complaints ahready had been made about Mrs Casey, and as the silence dragged on she knew she was right.

On impulse, she said, 'Why don't we talk about this over a cup of coffee? Is there a place in the school—?*

Mrs Casey looked up. 'You know there is. The faculty lounge where you helped with our Christmas party last year.*

'Of course. I meant a more private place.'

'No one will bother us/ She took a breath. 'Mrs Andersen. I have been a teacher for thirty years. Teaching is all I have. It is my only family; I have nothing else in the world. Of course, you cannot understand that; what do you know about being completely alone? We all need something to believe in. I believe in order and authority. But I have always wanted to be a good teacher. If I am not, then I have nothing at all.'

Sabrina's anger vanished. Only pity was left. I believe in myself, she thought. Mrs Casey has never been able to do that. She stood up. 'Coffee? I think we can find a lot to talk about.'

When Penny danced home from school on Tuesday afternoon she threw her arms around Sabrina, bubbling with the news that Mrs Casey had put her in charge of the puppet costumes once again, with Barbara Goodman as her assistant. 'And she said she was sony and even smiled!*

'And what did Barbara say?'

*Oh, she was glad; she doesn't know anything about costumes. Why are you sitting by the telephone? Is somebody going to call?'

'I was calling someone. But she wasn't home.'

'Then come and see my drawings. Mrs Casey says I can use all of them, but I have to change General Santa Anna. She showed me his picture in a book, so I know how to do it. Are you coming?'

Sabrina went upstairs slowly. She had been calling Stephanie to find out what she had been trying to tell her on Frid?.y, but no one was home, not even Mrs Thirkell. I'll call later, she thought; firom the bedroom. No one will bother me.

At dinner Garth looked at her quizzically. 'I heard a fascinating stoiy today about my wife.'

She tensed. 'Oh?'

'From Vivian Goodman.*

Vivian doesn't know anything. There's nothing to worry about,

'She told me she went yesterday to talk to her daughter's

teacher about a project that had her daughter terrified-she couldn't do it and didn't have the courage to say so. When she got there, another mother was talking about the same project. It was so interesting she eavesdropped. You didn't tell me you called Mrs Casey a tyrant.'

Sabrina shook her head. She had decided not to tell Garth about that talk because she didn't know how Stephanie would have handled it.

'According to Vivian, you were cool, collected and devastating. I wish I'd been there. Usually your emotions run high about the kids.'

Of course. Stephanie's anger would have overflowed. But it's easy to be cool and collected, Sabrina thought, when dealing with someone else's child. I can't take credit for being less involved than a mother would be.

*Why are you shaking your head?' Garth asked. 'Didn't you call her a tyrant?'

'What? Oh. Yes. I ... it just came out; she really was talking and acting like one—'

•Eton't apologize. Vivian tells me Mrs Casey has been terrifying her students for years. You're an amazing woman; I'm proud of you.'

She flushed with pleasure, then felt a little tremor of alarm. She was beginning to depend on Garth for praise.

'I didn't realize Barbara was Vivian's daughter,' she said, to shift the conversation. 'I didn't connect the names.'

'I thought you met them both at the class picnic last year.'

'Did I? I don't remember.'

And Fm getting tired of pretending, with no one to relax with, no one to talk to and just be myself. No one except Stephanie.

And why isn't Stephanie home? Or Mrs Thirkell?

Later, as she sat in the living room with Garth, reading and talking, the telephone broke the silence. 'Long distance for you,' Garth said, and she ran to the kitchen. Stephanie. Finally.

'Stephanie?' said her mother. 'We just got back to Washington. How are you? And how was the adventure in China? I

haven't been able to reach Sabrina in London, soyou'U have to give me all the news.'

Sabrina adjusted her thoughts from her sister to her mother. 'I thought you were in Paris. Or Geneva. Or somewhere.'

'Moscow, dear. Your father had a conference. But it ended early, so we came home. Now tell me about China.*

Sabrina talked briefly about China, once more describing Mr Su, the bronze lamp, the chess set, the intricate ivory carving Mr Su had given her of ladies of the court.

How can I do this? How can I fool my mother? Doesn't she have any suspicion at all?

'You sound tired, Stephanie. Is everything all right?'

Don't mention a broken wrist; she might want to come and help with the housework. And I don't know if I could fool her close up,

'I'm fine, Mother, just busy. You know how much there is to do after you've been away.'

'You're sure that's all? Are you and Garth;.. getting along all right?'

'Yes, of course. Why shouldn't we be?*

'You don't have to be so defensive. I detected vibrations in your last letter that caused your father and me some concern.*

'Everything is fine. Mother. I hate housework and love the house.*

Laura gave a surprised laugh. 'Is that new?'

'Maybe it just seems new, coming back fi^m China.' Sabrina plunged ahead, letting the truth pour out; she hadn't had anyone to talk to for such a longtime. 'I hate the laundry and I love the garden. I've hired a maid one day every two weeks and I'ni considering letting the house go to pieces in between.'

'Stephanie, this is not like you.*

•Probably not. I've felt different since the trip. I like the quiet rhythm of this life; I like not having to keep up with a social circle—'

'Is that a criticism of us, my dear?'

Sabrina paused. 'No. I never even thought of you. Are you worried about keeping up?'

•We always wony about keeping up. You knew that from the time you were bom. Sabrina understood it better than you, which is why she does so well in London. You could never have handled that pace.*

•*No. Where was I? Oh, yes. I like the people I know in Evanston and the way they're connected with the university and the town. I like the comfort of the shabby rooms in this big, wonderful house. I like my family around me. Lots of noise but lots of life. They keep me from drifting off.'

'Stephanie, have you and Garth taken up drugs?'

'Mother!'

'Well, you certainly don't sound like yourself. Why am I getting this list of likes and dislikes?'

'Because I can talk to you. Mother. And I thought you would want to know how happy I am. And that Garth and I aren't getting a divorce.'

'My dear, I never suggested—'

'That wasn't what you were worried about in my letter?'

'It may have been. In these days, one does worry about divorce. Look at Sabrina. I'm not sure which was her mistake - marrying Denton or divorcing him - but I don't think she's a very happy woman. Do you?'

Sabrina was silent.

'Stephanie? Do you?'

'Probably not. At least not a lot of the time.'

'So you see, I worry. Well, my dear, your father is calling me. We'll be at your house for Thanksgiving, as usual. Do you suppose we could get Sabrina to join us this year?'

'I doubt it.'

'I'll ask her anyway.'

Sabrina lingered in the breakfast room after hanging up. What I didn*t say. Mother, what I left out about my life, was this: I like being part of a community that accepts me for myself, not because of my looks and my sophisticated small talk, my elite shop, my social connections or my former marriage.

Oh, come on, a small voice jeered. Who's the commimity accepting for being herself? Sabrina Longworth? Or Stephanie Andersen?

She didn't need to answer.

On Wednesday Sabrina tried again to call Stephanie. 'Lady Longworth is out,' said Mrs Thirkell. 'Shall I ask her to return your call, Mrs Andersen?'

'Yes. I've been trying to reach her.'

'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mrs Andersen. I was visiting a sick sister in Scotland, and I believe Lady Longworth is redecorating a house on Eaton Square. But I shall make sure she returns your call.'

A wave of depression swept Sabrina as she hung up. A door had slammed in her face. Lady Longworth working on Eaton Square. Mrs Thirkell calling her Mrs Andersen. As if she had lost her place in that life. But / can*t, I won*t,Just because I like being here doesn't mean this is what I want. I'll talk to Stephanie tomorrow. Find out what is going on there.

And remind myself of where I belong.

But the next morning Penny woke with a fever and a hacking cough that terrified Sabrina. It's my fault, she thought; I didn't pay attention to how they dressed when they went outside. She called the pediatrician on Stephanie's list. 'Bring her in,' said the nurse. 'We'll take a look.'

Sabrina looked again at the list. Cos Building on Ridge Avenue. 'How do I get there?'

There was a puzzled silence. 'Oh, issomething wrong with your car?' the nurse asked. 'Perhaps one of your friencis—'

'Yes. Yes, of course. We'll be right there.' Frantically she searched the map she had been using for three weeks and memorized the route to the medical center across the street from the hospital.

'Not like you to get so upset,' the pediatrician said. She looked keenly at Sabrina. 'You look like you're under a lot of strain. The wrist? Or something else?'

'Could we talk about Penny?' Sabrina asked.

'Sure. Penny, you've got bronchitis; not severe, but it could get nasty if you don't take it easy. Bed for a couple of days, a vaporizer in your room and a lousy-tasting syrup to keep your cough loose. You and your mom should call on Saturday to let me know how you're doing. Any questions?'

Penny shook her head.

'I'm sorry,' said Sabrina, embarrassed by her rudeness. 'A lot has been going on. We'll call on Saturday.'

'Or before, if you need me. And relax. Penny's a tough little lady; she'll be well in no time.'

In the car, Sabrina shook her head. A bad case of overreacting. Stephanie would have taken it in stride. But I've never had a sick child before.

That night she and Garth went to the Talvias' for dinner, leaving Penny cheerfully propped up in bed, sharing dinner on a tray with Cliff.

*We bought you a present,' Linda said as they walked in.

'Another birthday?'

'Nope.' Linda laughed. 'But Dolores and I thought you needed cheering up, so we bought you this. It's cheerful.'

It was a robe of smooth polished cotton splashed with brilliant flowers: brighter than anything in Stephanie's closet; the kind Sabrina loved best. Her face lit in a delighted smile that made Garth draw in his breath as she thanked Linda. *I think I'll wear it to work. It's too lovely to hide in a closet all day.'

'You really like it? Dolores thought you'd say it's too loud.'

'It's not loud, it's beautiful. What wonderful taste you have.'

Linda beamed. 'How did you know I picked it out?'

'Because Dolores thought it was too loud.'

She wore the robe the next night, feeling more cheerful about everything. Penny's fever was down and her cough seemed better. Linda and Dolores had bought the robe for her, not Stephanie. In the past three weeks they had talked almost every day on the telephone and often met in one of their kitchens for afternoon coffee. Whatever name they called her, she was their friend. She still hadn't talked to Stephanie on the telephone, but it didn't seem so important now; if anything were wrong, Stephanie would have called.

'A lovely robe,* Garth said. 'It almost does you justice.*

She flushed. 'Thank you.'

'You look much better.'

*I feel better. And Penny is getting welL'

'No more headaches?'

'Not a one. And the bruises look bad but I hardly notice—' She stopped.

'Good,' he said easily. *I was going to sit out the conference, but I think, since you're doing so well, I'll go after all.'

'Conference?'

'I told you about... I did tell you, didn't I?'

'I don't think so.'

'October 6. Tomorrow. Berkeley for a week. Good Lord, did

I really forget to tell you? That's unforgivable, how could

I t

'It's all right, don't be upset. You probably told me and I forgot it.' But I wouldn't have forgotten, she thought. A whole wonderful week. No need for excuses in bed after I was stupid enough to say I'm feeling fine. 'I'm glad you're going,' she added.

'A week to yourself.*

She looked startled. How often did he know what she was thinking? 'No, I meant, if it's something you want to do, I'm glad you don't have to worry about us. We'll be fine. We are fine.'

'Are you going to the office on Monday?'

'I think so. Yes, of course. Why?'

'You'd rather not go at all.'

'I didn't say that.*

Tou've thought it.'

'I'll do what I have to do,* she said almost angrily. 'Anyway, I'll be socializing, too: I have a lunch date with Vivian. I meant to ask you: what's happening with Vivian's job?'

'Did I ever tell you my Theory of Universities? Like most institutions, each one is similar to a vat of molasses - slow and sluggish. If something goes wrong in one part, it spreads out and covers it up; if you try to make a dent in it, it oozes into the mark you think you've made. If you try to wade through it too quickly, you collapse from exhaustion; and if you try to beat it by plunging in and flailing away, you drown.'