Deceptions (22 page)

Lakeside defenders had moved in to close Cliffs path to the goal, and one of them slid feet first into him, knocking the ball away. 'Got it!' cried a teanunate, and kicked it to the waiting Pat Ryan, who ran it down field, with none of Cliff s grace but wiUi the lumbering determination of an eleven-year-old about to win a bet. And in the last seconds of the game, with a triumphant howl, he kicked the ball past the goalie, making the winning score for his team.

At first Cliff would not ulk about it. 'Coach chewed me

out/ he said once they were home. He sulked in his room while Penny set the table. Sabrina made a salad and took out the stew she had had cooking slowly in the oven all afternoon. Garth thought of asking when she had begun to enjoy soccer as a game instead of a duty, but he knew she could say bitingly, as in the past, that if he spent time with his family he might notice changes in them. So he let it go.

Cliffs sulking was a cloud over the dinner table. 'Punishment or reprimand?* Garth asked, ready to sympathize.

'None of your business,' Cliff said sullenly, his eyes on his plate.

'Chfford!* Sabrina was outraged. 'How dare you! Look at me. Look at me, I said!' Startled, he looked up. 'Who do you think you are to talk to your father like that? I thought we could talk about the game, what happens when you forget you're part of a team, but we won't talk about anything until you apologize. Now!'

'I didn't forget!* Cliff said hotly. 'I was trying—*

'Vm waiting for your apology.'

'Look, Mom, 1 had an opening to the goal—*

'Cliffi'

She stared him down. From the comer of her eye she saw Garth watching her. Apparently she had gone too far and wasn't behaving like Stephanie. But for the moment she didn't care. Garth had flinched at Cliffs rudeness, and she had reacted instantly. She would not have him hurt, not after last night* on their front porch, when he had given her understanding and affection, privacy - and time.

'Sorry,' Cliff mumbled.

*I couldn't quite make that out,' she said calmly.

'I'm sorry!' Cliff shouted. 'I'm benched for the next game.'

'Too rough/ said Garth. 'Half a game would have been sufficient.'

'Yeah, sure, tell that to the coach.*

'Maybe I will.*

'No, thanks anyway. Dad, he'd just give me more shit if you did.*

'Cliff!' said Sabrina.

Garth held back a smile. 'Some words are better fw the locker room than the dimier table.'

'Yeah, okay, sorry.' He turned to Sabrina. 'What did you mean, I forgot I was part of a team?'

'You wanted to make Pat Ryan lose his bet, so you made a grandstand play, which a good team player wouldn't do.'

'I did not —'

'You had a teanunate with a clear shot at the goal. But all you cared about was scoring the winning goal yourself.'

'But I thought I could. There was an opening—'

'With the whole other team closing in on it. And you knew it.'

'I had a chance.'

'With a miracle.*

'So what? At least it was a chance. Aren't I ever supposed to take chances?'

'Of course you should.' Sabrina smiled, almost to herself. 'Taking chances can be wonderful. But you have to evaluate the risks. Know what you're getting into. Otherwise, you're just being foolhardy.' She looked at him thoughtfully. 'You're a fine player, Cliff. You move well; you have good control and timing. But if you act like a one-man team, you're sunk, no matter how good you are.'

Cliff looked puzzled. 'How come you know so much about soccer? I thought you didn't Uke it.'

'I read a book. I felt silly not knowing what was happening.' Quickly Sabrina turned to ask Penny about the history test she had quizzed her on at breakfast.

Garth watched his wife as she talked. How lively and animated she was, as she had been last night at the Goldners'. Lively and animated with eveiyone, in fact -except her husband. Probably she'd been that way for a long time, but he didn't think it had been so obvious before her trip. He felt diminished, not important enough for her liveliness, not even important enough anymore for her to pretend.

Sabrina glanced at him as she poured coffee. What was he glowering at? Which of her mistakes?

'What did you do today?' he asked.

'Oh - Dolores came over for coffee/

'Something special? Or just to talk?'

'She's mapping a campaign to make Linda happy. Isn't it curious how Dolores tries to arrange us the same way she arranges her flowers? Do you suppose one day she'll enter all of us in some contest like Midwest Marriages Fall Competition?'

He laughed. 'Would we win?'

'Does Dolores ever lose?' she countered. 'I did do something special today. I went upstairs to my old office.'

'And what did you find?'

'Dust. Memories. But it was exciting to go through the records, and I was thinking maybe I could start up in business again. I read the Evanston Review, and there are estate sales all over the North Shore. I suppose it's inflation, and people moving back to the city, or into smaller places when their children go to college ...'

Her voice trailed away. Garth was looking past her, his face smooth and uninterested. He had glanced at her once, long enough to see her bright eyos that matched the excitement in her voice; long enough to think to himself that she had more enthusiasm for a defunct business than she had for him. 'If that's what you want,' he said distantly. 'It seems risky, though, unless you know why you failed before.'

A wave of fuiy swept Sabrina. She had cared enough about his feelings to risk giving herself away when Cliff was rude to him, but as soon as she mentioned the estate business he turned cold. He hadn't asked how she might make it succeed this time, or if he could help her. He reminded her of Antonio talking about her 'little shop'. Now she knew why Stephanie was angry at him; he cared for nothing but himself. She was surprised at how hurt and disappointed she was.

'I'm going to the lab,' he said, pushing back his chair. 'If you're up, I'll stop in later to say good night.'

She nodded. Just what she wanted: a quiet evening at home. But still she had a sense of loss, and as the front door clicked shut, the house loomed around her and she felt very much alone.

The atmosphere was strained at breakfast; even Penny and Cliff were subdued. Sabrina quizzed Cliff for his daily

spelling test, longer than usual since the Friday list included words from all week. Penny asked again about Mrs Casey, and Sabrina said she would be seeing her next week. 'Early dinner tonight. Mom, okay?' asked Cliff. 'We both have parties to go to.' Then they were gone and she and Garth were alone.

He opened and shut his briefcase. 'I'm sorry about last night. 1 have no right to criticize you for lack of interest in my work if 1 show none in yours.'

What lack of interest? she thought. Of course Stephanie is interested in your work. But she didn't want to quarrel; she missed the comfort of Garth's smile. 'Thank you,' she said.

'If you want to talk about it now—'

'It can wait.' She looked at his briefcase. 'Should you be going?'

He kissed her cheek. 'Department meeting in half an hour. See you tonight.'

At dinner Garth was restless. Penny and Cliff charged in and out, getting ready to go to separate parties, and as soon as they left he stood and went to the window. 'How about a walk? I've been sitting in my office all day, watching students frolic by the lake. Do you recall why I decided to graduate those many years ago instead of remaining a perpetual student? I've forgotten.'

'So you could give exams instead of having to take them.'

He nodded. 'I was a practical youth. Which reminds me, I brought you something.' He left the room and came back with a paper bag. 'Compliments of the university. Which asks only that you make that excellent steak often.'

She pulled out a porcelain mortar and pestle. 'Wonderful; of course I will. What is it used for in the lab?'

'I have no idea. I stole it from the chemists. You might boil it for two or three days before using it.' Laughing, she took it to the kitchen. Garth followed, carrying their cups and the coffeepot. 'How about that walk?'

'I should clean up; Peimy and Cliff left in such a hurry—'

'It can wait. Please.'

'You're not going back to the lab?'

*No, did you expect me to? Do you have other plans for the CYening?'

'Of course not. I'd like to take a walk.'

The sun was low on the horizon and the air was soft and warm, with the fresh smell of the lake and the dusky fragrance of fall flowers. As they crossed the park, the water stretched before them, calm and densely blue beneath the fading sky. Far out, a few sailboats gleamed sharply white against the dark waves. Silent joggers ran past groups of boys playing touch football, and a small dog ran through the bushes, charging squirrels. Beneath the trees, lovers walked.

Garth took Sabrina's hand as they turned to follow the shore. In the slanting rays of the sun, their shadows stretched far over the water, mingling and separating. Sabrina leaned down to tie her shoe, and when she stood up she stepped to the side, a little distance from Garth. They walked that way, not touching.

'Vivian told me she saw you the other day.* said Garth.

•Who?'

'Vivian Goodman. She said you met at the Art Institute.'

'Oh. Vivian. I forgot to tell you. She said you'd been wonderful to her, but she's still worried. Can you do anything more or is it all up to the vice president now?*

He slowed and looked at her. 'Did Vivian tell you the story?'

'Weir - Stephanie didn't know about it! Why notl - 'she could tell that I was interested—'

'You pretended to be interested.'

'I was interested.' Her hands were cold. 'She's very strong, but a lot of things are getting to her-she might have to move, her children would have to change schools, and' - What was her husband's name? - 'and Hans just quit his job. I admire her and I Uke her. Of course I was interested.' She plunged ahead, taking a chance. 'If I didn't seem interested before, probably it was because it was different, hearing about it from you and hearing it from her.'

'You didn't hear it from me. You weren't interested enough to listen.'

That's what I mean.'

She knew that made no sense, but Garth let it pass. 'I haven't talked to the vice president yet. Next week, I think.' He began to describe the members of the tenure committee he headed. Sabrina listened and at the same time considered her sister's marriage.

Last night she had been furious at Garth's lack of interest in her estate business. But was Stephanie interested in Garth's work? She didn't know. If Stephanie wasn't interested, she must have good reasons. But I don't need to know them, Sabrina thought; they're between Stephanie and Garth. I won't even think about it. She concentrated on what Garth was saying; when he described William Webster she laughed at his pungent words and understood Vivian's admiration.

It grew dark, and they walked leisurely in the pale glow of the Victorian lampposts lining the lake-shore path. They were silent, but it was a comfortable silence. Sabrina felt the quiet strength of the man beside her, his undemanding presence. He was a companion. She was not alone, but still she was a separate person, allowed to be herself.

And just who is that? She smiled in the darkness. For a little while longer, both of us.

'Daddy says yes,' Penny reported on Saturday morning, 'if you say yes. A bike ride and a picnic. Please, can we go? I can collect leaves for my science class and Cliff wants to find a toad.'

'Why not? It sounds like fun.' I haven't ridden in years, she thought. But no one ever forgets how to ride a bike. They packed bread and cold meat, cheese and apples, and chilled cans of ginger ale.

'What about dessert?' Penny asked.

'We'll buy donuts on the way.'

'You didn't forget! Cliff said you'd forget, but you didn't!*

Forget what? 'Why should I forget?'

"Cause you've been forgetting things lately and Cliff said you'd forget that we always get donuts on picnics, but I said you wouldn't and I was right, so can we go now?'

'Yes.' Sabrina handed her the baskets. 'Will you and Cliff help your Dad fasten these on the bikes?'

'Aren't you coming?*

'As soon as I finish cleaning up.'

As she put away the leftovers and wiped the counter, Sabrina mused about donuts. Had Stephanie told her? Or was it simply one more thing she couldn't explain?

'Mom!' Cliff bellowed, and she joined the three of them to begin her first bicycle trip in almost fifteen years.

She hadn't forgotten. And her legs were strong from playing tennis. Within a few blocks she knew she could ride as far and as hard as the rest of her family. Riding behind the others, she put her face up to the blue and gold sky and let her body find its own rhythm, muscles in harmony, while her mind drifted.

No one had told her about tlie donuts. Or the nightgown and bathrobe, or settling down to read in the bedroom armchair. Curious certainties. Was it because they were twins? She and Stephanie always read new studies and reports on twins, laughing at some because they were so foolish, recognizing the truth in others. But no one had ever tried the experiment of having twins take each other's place and live each other's lives. If they had, would one twin suddenly say, as she had on her second night here, 'I'll think about both of me tomorrow'?

She wondered if Stephanie had felt the same in London. We'll talk about it, she thought, when we meet at the airport on Monday.

Monday. Day after tomorrow. The week was slipping away. It wasn't enough, really. She'd barely had a chance to get to know Penny and Cliff and feel part of a family. And she hadn't had a minute to look at her London life from this distance, to tiy to sort it out. Wasn't that the main reason she'd agreed to the switch? To slow down her roller coaster life—

'Stephanie! Watch out!'

'Mom! There's a—!'

'Mommy!'

Sabrina heard their shouts, and the squeal of tires, and swung her head to the right to see a pickup truck bearing down on her. She swerved, cutting her wheel sharply to the left, skidding in the diy dirt on the road. As she tried to