Death of Cupids (The Blood of Cupids MC) (14 page)

Grace

“Ryan?”  I barely whispered.

“It’s Mark.”

“No. No.”  My hand was to my mouth, hiding my shock.

“Grace, what’s wrong?  Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”  I nodded.  “I just… I just need to go
upstairs.”

He leaned in closer.  “Is that an invitation?”

An invitation?  An invita…?  My head was spinning
and my ears were ringing.  Ryan?  Was it really Ryan?  My
Ryan?  Or were my eyes playing tricks on me?  Had I just been longing
to see him for so long that I was now hallucinating his face?  And if it
were he, what would I say to him after six whole months apart?  Could I
say anything to him?  How was I feeling?  Why was there overcoming
sense of hatred flowing through my veins? 

“Hello.  Earth to Grace!  Are you inviting me up
to your bedroom?”

“What?”  I heard enough of his words to snap me from my
stream of questions.

“You, me, bedroom.”  Mark leaned into me, closing his
eyes.

Was he that drunk that he had completely forgotten that I
had just pushed him off of me?  I had too much to deal with for these
games he was playing.  I would have to address it another time, when he
was in a more sober state.

“Mark, I had a wonderful time tonight, but I’m going
upstairs alone.” 

I rushed through the words.  I didn’t want to be out
there any longer than I needed to be.  I didn’t want to look up again and
see my husband, who had been missing for six months, casually drinking a
beer.  I needed to collect my thoughts and decide what to do next.  I
quickly squeezed Mark’s hand, said another goodbye, and pushed through the
door.  I grabbed onto the handrail and pulled my way up the steps.

As I stepped into my apartment, I began talking to
myself.  “Okay, get it together, Grace.  Maybe you made the whole
thing up.  Maybe you saw what you wanted to see.  But what if it was
Ryan?  What if he had found his way home and was waiting for me?  Why
didn’t I run across the street?”

I didn’t get to ask myself any more questions.  When I
turned around, he was standing in the doorway.

“Who the fuck was that?”

“Ryan?”

“Answer me, Grace.  Who the fuck was that who I just
watched you make out with?”

I couldn’t think.  I couldn’t breath.  I just
wanted to cry.

“I thought you were dead.  I thought… I thought Sean…”

“So now you’re just going around fucking whomever doesn’t
mind that there’s a baby,
my baby
, inside of you?”

Why was he talking to me this way?  Why was I letting
him talk to me this way?  Why did I so badly want to throw my arms around
him and forget every minute I had spent without him?

But he had let me down; he had abandoned me.  I
couldn’t just forgive him.  I wasn’t that kind of girl.  I couldn’t
be that kind of girl.

“No.”

“No what?  No, you’re not fucking everyone? 
Because the way his hands were all over you hinted at something otherwise.”

“You have no right to speak to me that way.  You… You
disappeared.  You left me.  You left me alone with this.”  I
grabbed my belly.

“And you didn’t think I had a good reason to do that?”

“Well, when I thought you were dead, I assumed it was a good
enough reason.  Now, I have no idea.”

“You know what, fuck it.  This is exactly what I wanted
to know.  Goodbye, Grace.  Have a good fucking life.”

Oh, there was no way he was getting away that easily. 
I ran to the door, slamming it before he could walk out on me again.

“You do not get to do that, Ryan Cassidy.  You’re going
to tell me what the hell is going on here.”

Nothing.  Did I not deserve an explanation?  After
six months of not knowing, did I not deserve even a hint?

“I woke up in a hospital bed, where the nurse told me that
he had found me passed out, drugged, and alone in the emergency waiting
room.  I tried to call you, but your phone was disconnected.  Then…
then, I found your bloody wedding ring in the pocket of your jeans.  What
was I supposed to think, Ryan?  Huh?  Tell me, what was I supposed to
think?”

His face dropped as I lost control and started to cry. 
He took a step toward me, but I batted him away.  “No.  You stay
there.  You don’t come anywhere near me.”  Aloud I said to stay away,
while inside I was screaming for him to pick me up and never put me down.

“Grace, just…”

“No!  I knew that you had to be dead because that would
be the only way you would ever leave me, the only way you could ever abandon
me.  I knew that you loved me too much to leave me alone, especially like
this.  And now, and now I find out that I know nothing.  You
actually, you truly left me.”

“I had no choice.”

“You always have a choice.  We’ve been through enough
together to know that there’s always another way.”

“You didn’t see you that night.  You didn’t see how
helpless you were.  It was the only way I could protect you.”

“I didn’t need protecting; I needed you.”

“I thought you were going to die.”

“I did die!”

We stood there, staring at each other.  Neither of us
said anything, until the silence became more painful than the months of not
knowing.

“Every day I died a little more.  Every day that I
waited was worse than the one before.  And now, today, seeing you here,
alive and healthy, you’ve really killed me, Ryan Cassidy.”

“You have no idea the sacrifice I made to keep you out of
harm’s way all this time.”

“And was that really more important than being with me?”
He slowly stepped into me.  “How could it not be?  With me, you were
shot, beaten, tortured, and drugged.  What has happened in the past six
months?  Anything?”

I looked into his eyes as I took a step closer to him. 
“No.”

“Exactly.  Because I can keep you safe when that’s what
I’m focused on.  I can’t when I’m blinded by you.”

“I never asked for that.”

“I can’t live any other way.”

“This is not living!  You can’t say that this is a way
to live.”

“You’re alive.  That’s all that matters.”

“Not to me.  That doesn’t matter at all to me. 
You, of all people, should know that.  You don’t get to choose how I live
my life.”

“I made a vow to protect you, to…”

I cut him off.  “To honor me, to listen, and to respect
my wishes.  Did you do any of that?  No.  Because you’re
selfish.”

“And what you’re doing isn’t selfish?  Are you thinking
about me at all in your quest to get yourself killed?  Are you thinking
about our baby?  Because that’s what I’m doing.”

His words put a pain deep in my chest.  I hated that he
might be right.  I didn’t want to admit it.  What could be more
important than us being together? 

“It was a decision we should’ve made together.”

“What aren’t you understanding, Grace?  I was
there.  You were going to die if I didn’t get you to the hospital.”

“And then you just left me?”

“I had to.”

“And at no time in the last six months were you able to let
me know you were alive, that you had to leave me?”

“It was part of the deal.”

“So why is today different?  Huh?  Why do you get
to come here today?  Are you back?  Is it over?”

“No.”

“Then why the fuck are you in my home, Ryan?”

I lifted my hand to slap him, but he caught my wrist in his
grip and pinned it above my head, against the wall.  His fiery breath was
beating on my face as he pushed closer to me.  I tried to fight him with
my other hand, but he grabbed that too, twisting my arm behind my back and
forcing me to arch closer to him.  I angled my face toward him, letting
him know that although he was stronger than me and could restrain me, I was not
afraid of him.  I still believed what I believed and he couldn’t change
that.

“I’m not supposed to be here.”  He breathed the words.

“And yet you are.”

“I didn’t mean to… I didn’t plan on…”

“Spit it out Ryan.  Give me your pathetic excuse.”

“Who the hell was that guy, Grace?”  He exploded.

“No.  You do not get to lecture me on why we can’t be
together and then get angry that I’ve moved on.”

He straightened when I said it:
I’ve moved on. 
It
wasn’t true.  I didn’t think I would ever be able to move on from Ryan,
but he didn’t need to know that.  I wanted to hurt him.  I wanted him
to feel the pain that had consumed me. 

“You’ve… moved on?”

“I have.”

A pause.

“No.”

Another pause.

“Yes.”

And then came the passion I had so fully missed.

“Well I haven’t.”

He dropped my wrists from his grip and wrapped his sprawling
hands around the back of my neck.  His lips attacked mine, and I quickly
succumbed to his will, collapsing forward into his chest.  His hands moved
down my back, supporting me with one hand while the other cradled my
thigh.  I allowed him to take my weight as he lifted me off my feet and
pushed me up against the wall.  He kissed my fingers, my palms, and my
wrists.  He nibbled his way up my forearm, biting down when he reached the
inside of my elbow.  His tongue tickled my bicep and teased my
shoulder.  I saw his eyes light up with an idea as he lowered my feet to
the ground, making sure I was still steady against the wall.  He then got
to his knees and playfully nicked the hem of my shirt with his teeth.  As
his kisses made their way up my swollen belly, he tore the cloth more and
more.  He danced around my slowly fading scar until he reached the top of
my shirt.  He quickly bit down once more through the stitched fabric,
groaned with passion, and allowed my shirt to fall to either side of my
yearning body. 

“Wow.”  He gasped, staring at my chest.

“I know, right?”  I teased, partly gloating. 

I watched as his hands felt my changed body for the first
time.  He cupped each curve with such intensity, as if he was studying a
piece of art.  Between the paths he traced with his hands, he stole small
kisses from my lips.  He wrapped his arms around my ribs and lowered his
mouth to my ear.

“You’re even more beautiful than I remember, Grace Cassidy.”

I softly smiled, but more of me wanted to cry.  Why had
I been living without my husband, without his touch for so long?  Why had
I been fighting through these months alone?  Why had… but the tears had
already begun to fall.  They landed on his shoulder as he kissed my
cleavage.

Ryan stood, swiping the tears from my cheeks with his thumb.

“I don’t need to ask you why you’re crying.  I know,
Grace.”

“I still don’t understand.”

“I don’t know if you could.”

“Can you try to help me?”

“Grace, I made a deal with the devil.  I don’t want you
to know any part of it.”

There was a kind of sadness about the way he said it. 
It made me realize it wasn’t over.  Whatever he was doing was still going
on.  Whatever had been keeping him away from me was going to continue to
keep him away.

“How much time do we have?”

He pushed my hair from my face.  “We can have tonight.”

I nodded, but still wanted more.  “What if… What if we
could keep this up?”

“We can’t.”

“No, listen.”  I begged.  “You can sneak away like
you did today.  No one would know.”

“And what if they found out?”

“Well then, we’d fight.  We’d fight like we always do,
Ryan.  You and me.”

“How long could we keep that up?”
“I don’t care.  I don’t care if it kills us.  As long as I’m with
you.”

“Grace.”  He kissed me.  “You have to see that I
can’t let that happen.  What would happen to our baby if you and I went
down fighting?  It’s not fair.”

“This isn’t fair.”  I pushed him away and walked toward
the bedroom, my torn shirt swinging at my sides.

He followed closely behind me, but allowed my temper
tantrum.  When I had stopped pacing, he motioned for me to join him at the
edge of the bed.  I stepped up, nestling my thighs between his open
knees.  Ryan sat his hands on my hips and looked up at me. 

“I know deep down that I have to let you move on.  What
I did today was unfair, and I’m sorry for that.  I let my rage get the
best of me.  But you, Grace, you can have a life ahead of you.  You
can fall in love again, you can start a new family.”

“I can’t do any of those things without you.  Don’t you
see that?”