Death of a Coupon Clipper (9 page)

What a busy week it’s been—what with work, coupon clipping, and cat sitting for Mrs.
Tubbs! I’m sure most of you know by now that poor Mrs. T had an unfortunate car accident,
and is recovering in the hospital. She wanted me to let everyone know that she is
on the mend and will be up and about and back on the road in no time! So watch out!
Kidding.

Anyway, the other evening, shockingly enough, I found myself with a little spare time,
so I decided to clip some more coupons for the upcoming extreme-couponing show to
be filmed here in Bar Harbor. Whenever I decide to clip coupons, I find myself turning
the house upside down to find my favorite pair of scissors, which I swore I had placed
back in the top left drawer in my brother’s kitchen. I’m staying with him while some
issues at my own house are being worked out.

I just love his kitchen drawers, mostly because they are so neat and orderly. Everything
has its place—unlike my own kitchen drawers at home, which look like the aftermath
of a small grenade.

Of course the scissors were nowhere to be found, so I glanced around the room, taking
in the beautiful pristine white walls, lovely built-in cabinets with the open fronts,
not to mention the beautiful black-and-white checkerboard-tiled floor, which he and
Sergio painstakingly put in themselves.

I happened to spy some cans of paint sitting next to the doorway of the pantry and
I remembered that my brother had told me they were going to paint the walls. They
hadn’t been able to find the time yet, since Sergio was away visiting family and Randy
was so busy at his bar.

That’s when a genius idea struck me! It was only 5:30
P.M.
and Randy wouldn’t be home until after 2:00
A.M.
If anyone knew how to paint, it was me, especially given the fact I had recently
updated every one of my rooms in my house in a variety of colors! What a wonderful
way to repay my brother’s kindness for allowing me to crash at his place!

I quickly emptied the pantry shelves; then I searched the garage and found all the
rollers, canvas for the floor, and even an old pair of extra-large white dungaree
overalls to protect my favorite slacks from JCPenney. And so I began painting the
white pantry walls the bright cherry red they had chosen, while singing along at the
top of my lungs to some Trace Adkins I was blasting through the stereo speakers from
the living room. That’s another great thing about my brother’s house. It sits right
on the water; so during the winter, with the howling winds gusting in from the ocean,
no one can hear my atrocious singing voice!

I realized much too late that because of the cranked-up music, I couldn’t hear a commotion
brewing down the hall in the living room.

I managed to finish painting the first coat, and figured I could do the second coat
tomorrow night. Time for a break. I grabbed the half-full can of paint and stepped
backward out of the pantry door to survey my work.

With the music still blaring, I didn’t hear Leroy barking as he barreled down the
hall toward the kitchen. But then, I suddenly sensed something and turned to my left
just as poor Leroy came crashing into the kitchen, a wild-eyed look of terror in his
eyes! Right behind him, hissing furiously, in hot pursuit was Mrs. Tubbs’s Persian
cat, Blueberry, whom I’ve been looking after for her. Leroy launched himself right
into the air, straight at me. Without thinking, I let go of the can of paint to catch
him! What happened next unfolded in slow motion. The paint can hit the floor and tipped
over and a torrent of cherry red paint spilled out.

Blueberry tried skittering to a stop, but he couldn’t slow down fast enough and slid
right into the ever-growing circle of paint, his flabby body skidding to a stop right
in the middle, his fur sopping up the paint like a giant sponge. I dropped Leroy,
who scampered away from the scene to hide in another part of the house. Blueberry,
I believe at this point, was in a mild state of shock. He was on his belly, frantically
trying to escape the sticky paint, unintentionally soaking up so much of it that he
began to resemble Elmo, the furry red Muppet, from
Sesame Street
! Only not as adorable.

In the silence that followed, my head was filled with disturbing visions of a fat
cat bounding away, tearing through the house, painting everything in sight with his
long, dripping red fur. I hurled myself on top of the startled cat, who let out a
bloodcurdling screech. He flipped open claws so long and sharp that he reminded me
of sexy Hugh Jackman in those
X-Men
movies! Again, only not as adorable.

That’s just about the time my brother, who made the fateful decision to leave the
bar early because it was a slow night, strolled into his kitchen through the back
door to find me lying on top of a twenty-five-pound cat, both of us covered in cherry
red paint.

I thought he would see red (pun definitely intended because it’s always best to make
light of a potentially stressful situation). But I have to give him credit. He did
not freak out and took it all in stride. (Personally, I think he may have been shell-shocked.)

As we cleaned up the mess and washed off a growling Blueberry in the kitchen sink,
Randy just quietly shook his head as I promised that I would make it up to him, and
I would start by whipping up his favorite shrimp-and-pasta dinner the next evening,
praying I had not worn out my welcome.

On the bright side, Randy did love the paint job—so, hopefully, I bought myself a
few more nights! Oh, and I found the scissors right where I had left them: in the
living room, on the end table, next to my giant pile of coupons. Oops.

The following night, true to my word, I prepared my shrimp pasta dish. Lucky for me,
given our goal this month to make meals on a budget, I bought the frozen shrimp on
sale and with a two-for-one coupon! All was forgiven!

We also both had a big craving for cherries that night, which neither of us could
explain, so I trotted out my reliable cherry screwdriver recipe for our predinner
cocktail!

1½ ounces cherry vodka
Orange juice
Splash of grenadine
Cherry

 

Fill a Collins glass with ice and pour in your vodka, then fill with orange juice
and a splash of grenadine. Stir and top off with a cherry.

8 ounces linguine
10-ounce package of frozen peas, thawed
12-ounce package uncooked
shrimp with tails on, thawed
¼ cup butter, divided
2 to 3 cloves garlic, minced
Pinch of salt
½ cup white wine (you can use chicken broth if you prefer)
¼ cup lemon juice
1 teaspoon lemon zest
¼ cup fresh chopped parsley

 

Cook your pasta according to the directions, adding the peas during the last five
minutes of cooking, then drain pasta and peas.

 

Meanwhile, in a large skillet, melt 1 tablespoon butter over medium-high heat. Add
the shrimp and pinch of salt, cook and stir shrimp just until they are light pink,
about 5 minutes, adding the wine during the last minute of cooking.

 

Stir in lemon juice, zest, and remaining butter. Then add your pasta and peas, stirring
until heated through. Remove from heat; stir in parsley. Serve and eat immediately!