Dear Lover (2 page)

3

Feel deep into your heart. Feel your tremendous yearning. Although you may sometimes reduce this deep yearning to shallow neediness—the need to be loved by a man or by yourself—actually this deep yearning
is
the openness of love. This yearning is the hole through which the divine love that lives open as the universe can be felt to emerge. Your boundless depth of love comes to light through this hole of yearning when you trust open as love’s ache.

Deep heart yearning is not a problem to be solved, but a divine pull to open as devotional surrender, as wide as all, now. With or without a man, whether or not you feel worthy, you can offer your heart’s openness through your yearning, right now, as you are.

This capacity to offer your open love is indestructible. No amount of rejection or betrayal can destroy this offering of love. You may still at times feel hurt, tortured, and mangled in the fearful denial of love that your man, friends, and family may inflict on you, but their denial need not instigate yours. In the face of rejection and unlove, you can continue to open as the full strength of your heart’s yearning and devotional surrender, opening in spite of the hurt that your unprotected heart feels, opening in the midst of emotional upheaval, yours and others’.

Devotional love is unstoppable, if you will only offer yourself wide open in the midst of suffering. If you are in a relationship, and your man is being a jerk, you may offer love’s yearning as a strong demand: “I love you, and I won’t tolerate less than your fullest consciousness.” You may yell at him, and your rage may shake the house, but your heart need not close in the midst of love’s fury.

When you love somebody fully, your heart’s wrath may naturally be evoked in response to their repeated refusal to offer their deepest gifts. Anger may be your deepest expression of love in a moment of being frustrated by your lover’s chosen limits and numb denial.

In any case, whether you are angry or hurt—beneath and through
all
emotions—your love yearns. This indestructible love is the same love,
or openness, that yearns at the heart of all beings. Even when you are tense or upset, you can practice surrendering your body and heart to be breathed open by this love that yearns in everybody’s heart.

4

Your yearning attracts and inspires love. If you allow your deepest yearning to show through your entire body, you will attract and inspire a deep man. How would a deep man love you?

A deep man is acutely aware of death: his, yours, and everyone’s. Because he is always practicing to let go of everything, his consciousness is free, and he can be totally present with you. He can truly see you, he can feel your deepest heart, and he can enter you completely. As if this were his last moment on earth with you, he is unafraid to lose everything in his full offering of love.

Imagine that such a man were making love with you. He can feel his deepest purpose. Right now, he wants to open with you in utter heart surrender. From his deepest heart, he wants to enter you and take you open in love beyond all bounds. He gazes into your eyes and breathes with you, entering your heart fully, inhabiting your deepest heart’s yearning.

You can feel his presence opening you. His gaze penetrates into your heart’s hidden love. He offers you a concentrated invasion of divine presence. Love’s masculine presence enters you more deeply than you could open yourself.

You can still feel your man’s gaze holding your heart open deep, while his hand touches your body, gently, tenderly. Your breath deepens, and you can feel your man breathing with you. No part of you escapes his awareness. If your toe moves, he feels it. As your body shifts, he shifts with you, never letting you escape the claim of his full presence. He knows where to touch you and how to love you as he listens to your body’s ripples and heart’s response.

You don’t hold back. His tender touch and forceful gaze open your desire. You move to kiss him. He receives your kiss, but doesn’t stir. He smiles. You can feel him teasing you. You kiss him again, more forcefully. Again, he smiles and remains lovingly indifferent, although his gaze and touch continue to inhabit your every motion.

You can’t stand it anymore and you roll on top of him, yearning for his deeper entrance, longing to be taken by this man who feels you so deeply and unerringly. Your soft bellies breathe together as you gaze into each other’s eyes. His eyes seem endless, and yet they also seem steely, intense, laser-like. And suddenly he pounces—you are on your back and he pins you beneath him.

You gasp as his legs open yours. But he waits. He breathes with you. You can feel his hardness and the force of his belly against your belly, breathing with you, opening you with his full breath, in and out of your heart, his belly pressing into yours, his feet pinning yours to the bed, his hands holding your wrists. He gazes into your eyes.

He continues feeling his own death, your death, everyone’s death. He feels the preciousness of this moment, the delicate love at everyone’s heart, the gift of being born in the form of a man and woman. He feels love’s open depth living through him, living through both of your forms. He connects with your heart through his gaze, his belly pressing into you, breathing you. He is so present with you that you can’t help but open more deeply, surrendering beneath the weight of his heavy love, opening your legs to draw him in.

He looks down at your breasts. He smiles. You can feel him adoring your feminine form. He kisses your breasts, gently sucking your nipples, then gazing into your eyes. You know how it feels when a man gets distracted by your body, focusing on one part while forgetting that the rest of you exists. But this is very different. Your man’s adoration of your body is obvious, but so is his depth of feeling. He feels and loves your form, but he feels and loves deeper than your form, too.

His kisses feel more like poetry reaching into your heart, a love offering of his deepest heart—preciously tendered by his knowledge of inevitable death—emerging through his lips to worship your breasts and so much deeper. You allow your body to respond to his worship. You press your
open thighs around him, offering yourself to him more passionately, moaning and pleading, “Please, please...”

As he enters you sexually, your surrender unfolds beyond words, and you speak in tones of incoherent pleasure in response to his claim. He is still tender, but more forceful, filling you, hard, with his claiming thrust. Your vagina opens deeper, and his openness continues to fill your body. Your whole womb and belly open with fullness, and your heart opens, and your throat and mouth open, sounds of love emerging. Your love opens beyond your man’s shape.

He stops moving. You open your eyes—you didn’t even know you had closed them—and his gaze penetrates into you as deep as his thrusts. His gaze is demanding, wanting more from you, more depth, more love. You love to feel his demand. His belly still breathes full against your belly, pressing into you. Like a faultless dancer, his movements anticipate yours. You feel inhabited by his presence; he knows your heart deeper than you do.

For pleasure, you resist. You try to push, get out of his grasp, escape his weight. But he keeps you pinned beneath him. You push and push and he doesn’t move, but enters you slowly, more deeply, filling your body and your heart while keeping you claimed to depth.

Then, you notice that his presence withdraws a bit. Is he thinking about something? Did you do something wrong? You free your wrist and dig your fingernails into his ass. That gets his attention. And now, as he looks into your eyes, he can feel your devotion, your yearning for more depth.

He realizes that his attention went shallow for a moment, but that your heart still waits deep. Your eyes softly plead for his deep entrance. You will not settle for less. If he goes shallow for even a fraction of a second, you awaken him present with your movements, a sound, or a slap. You offer your vulnerable heart to be taken by his claim. Your yearning is tangible. He can feel your heart’s longing in the way you open your legs to him, in the sounds you make, in your eyes.

Your yearning draws him deeper, and when his claim commands your heart, you surrender more fully. Together, you go open without end. He feels into you, giving you everything, filling you so much you can’t take any more, inhabiting your entire body, knowing your deepest heart’s yearning. He feels through you, feeling open and still expressing his love as if this were your last moment on earth together. His presence is so deep and stable—his worship of your form goes through your form to the very openness of the moment—and you naturally surrender open in total trust.

Nothing is left but love, breathing, living, and opening as all.

5

Whether or not you are with a man, your heart yearns for deeper love. Often—but not always—you yearn for love through the form of a man. Why? And what makes you or a man sexy in a spiritual sense?

Your desire to be claimed by a man’s deep love is based in the truth of your heart: You
are
love. Your love shines as light, so you want to be seen. Your love shows as the full force of surrender, so you want to be passionately entered. In truth, your deep heart is right
now
being claimed by openness, ravished by the openness of love.

Your yearning to be taken open is simply the natural feeling of your heart
already
being taken open, but you have patterns of resistance, and so you feel the tension—the longing—between the openness you deeply know is possible and the openness you are allowing.

Just as your love can open a man’s heart, a deep man can offer you an opportunity to open more deeply.

Without even touching you, a deep man can swoon you open to God—he can open you to love’s divine mystery and blissful benediction—if he is totally present with you, truly seeing you, feeling you, entering you with his loving desire, touching the most vulnerable depth of your heart.

When he looks into your eyes, you can feel him entering your heart. His presence can be so strong, so unwavering and passionate and clear, that his love invades you, deepening into you. Your body and heart open to him, surrendering open to receive his love, wanting him to enter you even deeper.

What you trust about a man is his integrity of being open in love with you and his strength of presence. When his attention wanders—he seems to be listening to you but his eyes are darting all over the room and his thoughts are elsewhere, or he is caught up in his own pursuit of pleasure—then you lose trust in him. In response to his lack of presence and integrity, your body tenses and your heart pulls back to protect itself.

But when his attention is totally with you—you can feel him feeling the rhythm of your breath, touching you just where you long to be caressed,
anticipating your needs before you notice them—then you naturally surrender and open to receive him.

You crave his fully present attention, which results from the openness of his awareness, the freedom of his consciousness. Your man is spiritually sexy when his attention is free, when he is not wrapped up in a jangle of thoughts and conflicting desires, when his consciousness is free to be with you totally, undistracted.

Your man is spiritually sexy when you can feel his consciousness in his
entire body
fully alive and present with your entire body. His belly, legs, and feet are strongly present with you, not just his bulging eyes and genitals; his heart is fully feeling you through his whole body. His entire presence is unconvoluted, honest, and genuinely with you, and his whole body is open, relaxed, and strong with the force of conscious presence.

And what does he find spiritually sexy in you? He is irresistibly drawn into the light of your love, showing through your entire body as radiant openness and devotional surrender. When you fall in love with somebody, you become more radiant, and your friends can see it. Your eyes sparkle, your cheeks glow, your walk changes, becoming softer and more buoyantly alive. Light and life-energy is the way love appears through your body. Love’s radiance, love’s energy, shines and opens through your entire body in a very noticeable way.

The openness of this love-light is what your man finds spiritually sexy in you. The more you open in trust and offer this light through the yearning of your love, the more he wants to enter you and merge with your glorious surrender, his heart of presence melding as one with your heart of love. He wants to dive into your devotional surrender and take you open, more deeply, as your never-ending yearning invites him more deeply in to love’s fullness.

Your capacity to open in oneness with a man’s presence is your spiritual capacity for sexual surrender. Your man can feel whether or not you are
surrendering open in yearning invitation for him to merge with your love-light and claim your heart. If you don’t trust a man fully, then, of course, you won’t surrender fully open with him.

Unsurrendered women attract unpresent men.
Your lack of heart-surrender and your mistrust will make your man less present and less trustable. You and your man are either evoking in each other openness or closure, worship or distance. The depth of yearning you offer invites the depth of presence you are likely to get.

A man who could be fully present with you—a man whose consciousness was deep and clear because he was living his true purpose and his passionate heart was unencumbered by fear and ambiguity—such a man wants equally unambiguous surrender offered through your yearning body and heart. He wants your love offered as an open invitation with full energy through your entire body. You want his full presence entering your deep heart through his entire body.

Your man wants to see love shining in your face. He wants to feel your yearning rippling through your body, emerging through your moans of passion.

You want your man to truly see you, deeply feel you, and know you, utterly. You long for his claim to open you so deeply that your surrender is inevitable, love-forced beyond your own doing. Your heart and body open as the pleasure of almost unbearable devotional offering, “I am yours, take me.”

You are only willing to surrender open if he is fully present with you, committed to claiming your heart with his absolute integrity of being. And he is only willing to commit his presence with you if you are willing to surrender open and offer your heart’s light and devotion as love’s yearning.

His presence will, in fact, waver, as will your offering of love’s energy. You will sometimes feel unmet, and you will close down. And so you learn the art of breathing love and trusting open, as if surrendering open to sexual ravishment, with or without a man. All day, you can practice offering your heart and body to be claimed by God, settling for nothing less.

Your surrender and your man’s commitment, opening each other more deeply than you would open yourselves, is an art that can be practiced in relationship. With or without a man, you can practice opening your body to flow with pleasure while opening your heart as an offering of love’s yearning.