Dear Emily (Forever Family) (24 page)

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Present

Age 22

It’s been
four weeks since I gave birth.

Since I gave Emily away.

I reach up and grab the locket around my neck. Carly and Kyle sent me the first picture of Emily just days after they got home. It’s a photo of Emily sound asleep in her cradle. She looks so peaceful.

I rub the heart as I hear the door chimes.

I turn quickly to face the door. It’s just Kirsten. I don’t know who else I would be expecting.

Alex?

Seth?

I can’t believe that it’s been four weeks.

I feel empty.

“Hey honey, how are you?” Kirsten sees my distress.

“I’m OK.” I lie.

“How can you be OK, Tabby? You gave up your baby girl a month ago. It’s fine if you’re not OK.”

Truth. It’s fine to break down several times a day. It’s normal. At least that’s what my therapist tells me.

However, for me, my grief is double.

I’ve lost two babies.

I’ve lost two loves.

I have to learn how to live again.

I pick up the box of new books and move toward one of the shelves along the wall. I breathe in the scent of the books and this calms me.

“I’m going to be OK, Kirsten. I promise I will. Dr. Randall tells me that as each day passes, my pain will be less and less. I’m hoping to replace the pain with new memories.”

I don’t know where these new memories are going to come from, but it’s worth a shot at something.

Kirsten plops down on the couch.

“We’ll make memories together. You and me, Tabby. We can be each other’s family. You know that I’m always here for you. I love you girl.”

She reaches out and squeezes my hand.

“Thanks Kirsten. I love you too.”

It feels great to have an actual girlfriend.

And now I look forward to starting the next chapter in my life.

Wherever it may lead.

I wipe the last tear from my cheek and grasp my locket.

I smile for the first time in months and finally allow myself to feel.

Hope.

Spring Lake, New Jersey

Present

Age 30

Kyle rushes
into the house and exclaims. “It’s time! Bundle up Emily and come outside!”

He’s absolutely giddy!

I take a sleeping Emily from her cradle and place her into her one-piece pink snowsuit. Once she’s tucked safely inside, I carry her out the front door.

Kyle is standing on the front lawn with his hands on his hips, admiring his handiwork.

I reach him then turn to face the house. I gasp as I see the beauty that is before me.

Kyle has outdone himself this year. Our Christmas lights are spectacular.

Thousands and thousands of white twinkling lights adorn our windows, porch, and shrubs. I smell the pine from the fresh garland that he has expertly strung around our porch.

“Kyle, it’s perfect!” I exclaim.

And it is.

It is so perfect that I start to cry.

I do that a lot lately. Cry happy tears.

He pulls Emily and me into his chest.

“Nothing but Christmas perfection for my girls.” He softly places his lips on mine.

We make our way back inside the house and settle next to our warm fire.

“Kyle, I’m not sure what could make this Christmas any more perfect than it already is!”

I place Emily back into her cradle. She looks so peaceful. So tranquil. She is just flawless.

I turn to Kyle. “You promised me this would be our future. Thank you.”

He wraps his arms around me and kisses my neck. “I’ll always promise you Carly. I promise to love you and Emily until the day that I die. I promise to give you a life of twinkling lights and Christmas trees. I promise to keep you both safe. This has always been our future; it just took us a little while to get here.”

More happy tears stream down my cheeks.

I’m thankful for all we have gone through to get here. I’m even thankful for the pain. For without it, we wouldn’t have found our future.

Our Forever Family.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Two Years Later

Age 24

I arrive
home to my new apartment. My two jobs and diligent savings over the past two years have paid off. I’m now in a nice complex in a much safer part of Philly. It feels great to have this new, fresh start.

I bend down and pick up the package in front of my door, enter my apartment and flop down onto my couch. What a long day! I worked at the bookstore today and Kirsten invited me back to her place for dinner. It was nice and simple. We had macaroni and cheese and split a beer. It was perfect.

Kirsten is genuinely a nice person and only wants to see me happy. She understands my need to be independent and doesn’t pry too much. She knows that when I’m ready, I’ll tell her all about Emily and her family. And tell her all about Carly and Kyle. She’s my best girlfriend and it feels so awesome to finally say that I have one.

It’s been almost two years since I gave up Emily.

And I’ve been on my own.

Completely.

I’m actually so proud. For once, I don’t hate myself. I learned that jealousy actually does breed hate and disease. I don’t want to hate any longer. I want to heal. I’m no longer jealous of others and what they have. I’m no longer jealous of Carly.

I love her.

I love her for keeping her promise and for giving Emily a chance at a wonderful life. Even though I am in a better place, Emily always belonged to Carly and Kyle. I knew it the moment I realized that I couldn’t keep her. They wanted her from the very beginning and she deserved to be brought up with a complete family. And they are complete in every way.

For the first time in my life, I have no regrets.

The package in my hands is from a familiar address. I receive a package from the adoption agency every six months like clockwork.

I dump the contents onto my lap and immediately start to look through them.

A large photo album is on top from the Finnegans: Carly, Kyle and Emily. I am so happy that they choose to keep me involved in Emily’s life. I also receive frequent emails and pictures and keep in touch through Facebook. I love watching Emily grow and she is always smiling from ear to ear in every single picture!

The photo on the cover is taken in front of their fireplace mantle. It’s gorgeous! Christmas decorations are plentiful! They are sitting on the hearth and Carly is holding Emily in front of her. Emily is wearing a red and black plaid skirt with a red turtleneck on top. She has red tights and shiny black patent leather shoes. Her curly brown hair is in pigtails fastened with red bows on either side. Her smile is huge. Her teeth are still scattered throughout her mouth, as she has been a slow teether. Her hands are in front of her as if she’s about to clap.

Kyle is sitting next to Carly with his arm around her back. Carly is leaning into his side and her head is resting on his shoulder. Their love for each other jumps off of the page. I can feel the purity and the immenseness of it. Carly’s smile is huge and infectious. I smile as I look into their eyes. This is one truly happy family.

I slowly look through the book, living each photo as if I were there. I feel blessed they choose to share these beautiful memories that they are creating. I smile as I turn to the last page. Attached with a paper clip is a heart-shaped photo of Emily smiling. Carly has these unique photos made for me every year sized just perfectly to fit my heart-shaped locket.

I remove my necklace, open the locket, and place the new picture on the right side. I keep the left side empty for my Sara. Even though I have no photos of her, she will always have a place in my heart. She deserves to share this space with her sister. I smile as I remember the sweet little baby that I was forced to give up. I can’t go back to change what happened. I can only move forward.

And I am.

Moving forward.

I place the album onto the bookshelf next to all of the other’s that the Finnegans have sent me over the past two years.

Tears spill over my cheeks as I think warm thoughts about the wonderful family that is giving Emily the life she deserves.

I hear a soft knock on my door.

I glance over to look at the clock on the wall. Seven-thirty. It must be Kirsten coming to pick me up to go to work the book signing at the shop.

I quickly swipe away the tears from my cheeks as I open the door. “Kirsten, I’m ready–” I stop abruptly. It’s not Kirsten.

My heart races. I step back and stumble away from the open door.

I choke on a sob as I slowly shake my head.

He can’t be here. No.

Why? Oh my God!

How did he find me?

Tears are now streaming down my face as I become rigid, anxious.

This can’t be happening.

My hands start to shake and my breathing becomes irregular.

I swallow harshly as my throat begins to close.

I raise my hand to my lips as panic sets in and I say his name.

“Alex.”