Dear Emily (32 page)

What would she do if Matt asked her to marry him? Did she really and truly love him? What about Ben? So many questions with no ready answers. “I don’t think I’m mother material. In fact, I know I’m not.” She was muttering to herself, a habit she’d thought she’d broken. Affairs were nice, relationships even nicer. Baggage. Package deal. “So, I’ll have a little fling, and when it’s over, I’ll go home.” The kids would always come first with Matt. And that’s the way it should be. She lit a second cigarette from the stub of the first one. That was another thing—she wouldn’t be able to smoke in Matt’s house. “I do care about him.” She was muttering again. What she needed right now was to shift into neutral.

Emily tried not to think. Instead she did her best to look around, savor, lock away the memory of this beautiful place. It was almost perfect with the sun filtering through the lacy overhang of trees. Everything was green and lush, the pines so aromatic she wanted to stay there forever. Banks and banks of wild fern were everywhere, their fronds long and graceful.

Because she couldn’t quiet her mind, she thought about Ben and her friends back home. She hadn’t read the mail either. “Damn.”

Emily lit a third cigarette from the crumpled pack in her pocket. She ripped at the foil paper. Three left. She was going to smoke them all, bury the butts, and then pretend she hadn’t smoked any of them. To what end, she questioned herself.

“Rosie’s right. If any of this is meant to be, it will be,” Emily muttered as she climbed back on her bike and pedaled back to her cabin.

She was nervous, twitchy, when she walked into the recreation room for the wheelchair. Thank God it was the electric kind. Just for the hell of it, she sat down and wheeled herself to Rosie’s cabin. “It’s a fun ride,” she called cheerfully. “And it’s electric so it isn’t going to get stuck in the pine needles. Everything smells delicious as usual.”

The fish fry was always held outside in the picnic area with gaily colored cloths on the redwood tables. Candles in wine bottles and cans of bug spray were at the ends of every table.

“What’s on the menu?” Rosie asked.

“Catfish, expertly boned and fried to perfection, those slab potatoes topped with cheese, corn on the cob, fresh peas, homemade bread and butter, salad, and I think dessert is a secret. I saw a sign in the recreation room that said they were having an old-fashioned taffy pull tonight.”

“I’ll pass,” Rosie said.

“Me too. I don’t see Matt, do you? Okay, you can get out of the chair here. We can sit under this tree and we’ll have a real good view when the sun goes down.”

“This is fine. The breeze is nice, and no, I do not see Matt. Go look for him. I’ll be fine here.”

“No. I’ll sit here with you. Want a cigarette?”

“Sure. A beer too.”

“Gotcha. There’s a keg tonight. Guess we have Ivan to thank for that. Those guys from Alabama can really sock away the beer. Last week they said a keg was needed. They paid for it too. Have you noticed how generous everyone is here?”

“You’re simply talking to hear yourself, Emily. Go get the beer, leave the cigarettes, and if you meet Matt, don’t hurry back.”

“Am I that obvious?” Emily asked.

“Only to me. Don’t bring me all suds either.”

“I hear you,” Emily said, trotting off for the beer. She returned carrying a tray with three glasses, two for Rosie and one for herself.

“Emily, Rosie, mind if Benjy and I join you? You’ve both met Benjy.”

Emily and Rosie nodded.

Emily was about to light a cigarette and then changed her mind. Young people didn’t care for cigarettes these days, which was good. She watched as Rosie blew a perfect smoke ring. Damn, she really wanted a cigarette. She hated drinking beer without a cigarette in her hand. “Everything smells good, doesn’t it? Dessert is a secret tonight.”

Benjy nodded, his face sullen. Clearly he would much rather be someplace else.

“Are you ready to go back to school, Benjy?” Emily asked quietly.

“No.”

Emily tried again. “Your dad said you play soccer. Do you belong to a school team or is it a summer program?”

“School team. I don’t like it, but my father said I have to play.”

The belligerent expression on Benjy’s face warned Emily that the boy was about to erupt and very soon. She noticed Matt’s fingers drumming on the table top, a sure sign of nervousness.

I don’t need this, Emily thought.

“Why don’t you see if you can help the sisters in the kitchen, Benjy?” Matt suggested.

“Why? Do you want to get rid of me? It’s not my turn to help.”

“Because it would be the nice thing to do. No, I don’t want to get rid of you, and turns don’t count.”

“Yeah, they do. Molly gets paid to wait on tables. I clean up and take the trash out to the dumpster and I get a free meal. Where’s the fairness? I could have had pizza at home.” He was out of his chair, heading for the kitchen, shouting his last words over his shoulder.

Matt closed his eyes wearily. “He has a terrible attitude. I don’t know what to do with him anymore.”

They were like night and day, Emily thought when Molly, carrying a tray with their dinners on it, set it down to give her father a loud smacking kiss. “Gee, it’s nice to see you up and around, Mrs. Finneran. Mrs. Thorn, you look real good. Your bruises are almost gone. Bet you’re happy. Guess what, Dad, when the sisters pay me tonight, I’ll have enough money for the installation of my very own phone. By next week I’ll have enough for the first month’s bill. You aren’t going to change your mind, are you?” she said, her words tumbling out with machine-gun speed.

Matt smiled. “A deal’s a deal.”

“If you want beer, you have to get it, Dad. I’m not allowed to do that.”

“The ice tea is fine, honey.”

She kissed the top of her father’s head before she ran back to the kitchen.

“She’s going to be a real beauty as she gets older. She’s pretty now, but in a few more years she’s going to be gorgeous.”

“I know,” Matt said modestly, “and then my problems will really begin.”

“Think positive,” Rosie said cheerfully. “This fish is perfect. I love fish. I love these potatoes too. I just plain love food.”

She’s nervous, just the way I am. Matt’s antsy too, Emily thought. She wished he’d look at her, say something that was only understood by the two of them. A wink, a touch to her hand. It wasn’t going to happen; that much she knew. He was caught up in his son’s behavior to the exclusion of all else. She felt as if someone were poking at her heart with a stick. Children always come first. Get used to it, Emily. Second fiddle. Can you handle that?

Matt wolfed his food then excused himself, saying he wanted to check on Benjy. He gave Emily a brief, apologetic glance before he sprinted off.

Emily stirred the food on her plate, separating the fish into flakes and then mashing them into the potatoes. She felt miserable.

“The boy doesn’t like me,” Emily said. “I don’t like him either. It’s not a good place for either one of us to be.”

“That boy doesn’t like anyone,” Rosie said. “Let’s go for a little walk. By the time we get back, that mysterious dessert should be ready. I bet it’s fruit. When the sisters can’t think up something new, they spread the rumor that dessert is going to be something special, and it’s usually watermelon filled with ice cream with rum poured over it and then set it on fire.”

Emily burst out laughing. “That’s funny, Rosie.”

“Why don’t we walk up and around the kitchen and come out in the parking lot and then back down the path to here. I can handle that. I’m supposed to walk, but then the incision starts to pull and I cramp up. I guess the more I walk the easier it will get.”

“I don’t need or want any more problems in my life,” Emily said as they walked. “Sometimes I’m sorry I came here and met Matt. One minute I like him, well, I more than like him. Then a few minutes later I think about Ben and wish I was back home. I think this is just a fling and I’m not…I care a great deal about Ben. I feel so damn guilty. Guilt, Rosie, is a terrible thing.”

When they were back at their table, Emily whispered, “Do you know what I’m afraid of, Rosie? I think it will break my heart if Matt…if Matt finds a way to come to my cabin tonight. So, would you mind if I stayed with you. I don’t want to know…if he does…I’d just rather not be…available.”

“Sure. I don’t think that’s going to happen. Matt will take the kids home and he won’t drive all the way back here, not if Benjy is in the mood he’s in. We can go now, Emily, if you like.”

“I like.”

T
he dog days of August gave way to the bright, colorful days of September. The temperature dropped, the leaves began to turn, and the majority of the guests packed up and waved good-by, promising to return the following year. Two elderly couples along with their companions, Rosie, and Emily were the only guests that stayed on.

With two weeks to go on her extended stay, Emily found herself living for the hours she could spend with Matt. Her fling was becoming obsessive, but she didn’t know how to turn her emotions off. The rest of the time she spent with Rosie, playing board games, biking, and hiking.

It’s going to be so hard to leave here, Emily thought for the thousandth time.

She was dressing now for an evening in town. “Wear your best bib and tucker,” Matt had said. “I have something important to talk to you about.” Of course she’d agreed, and between herself and Rosie, not to mention the nuns, she was already married and living happily ever after. If such a thing was possible.

Her stomach was quivering and her throat felt as if a walnut were stuck in it. Twice she’d had to remove her eye shadow and start over because of the shakiness of her hand.

Emily stared at her reflection in the mirror. The person staring back at her was an Emily she didn’t really know. There was a sparkle in this person’s eyes, a certain looseness around her mouth that meant that mouth smiled a lot. All the time, as a matter of fact. This wasn’t the same person who was married to Ian Thorn or the person who was deeply involved with Ben Jackson back in New Jersey.

Two weeks more and then she had to return to New Jersey and the house on Sleepy Hollow Road. If she wanted to.

If her instincts were right and Matt was ready to commit, was she ready to take on an instant family? She liked Molly and tolerated Benjy, but the boy was going to require a lot of time and effort on her part if she
wanted
to become a member of the family. For now he accepted her as someone who stopped by occasionally, someone who went out with their father once in a while, someone who sat with them at the fish fries on Friday and licked ice cream cones on Sunday afternoon.

One thing she knew for certain was she could never live in Matt’s house, but how was she to tell him that? Was she even marriage material?

Emily lowered the seat on the toilet and sat down. Marriage meant different things to different people. Matt…what would Matt expect? Susy Homemaker? Someone to cook, clean, and scrub? Someone to be there for him twenty-four hours a day?

The happy Emily in the mirror was frowning; she could see her reflection from where she sat. And Emily, are you ready to do all that at this point in your life? You’ve come so far, done so much, suffered untold agonies. Can you go back and do all the things Matt would expect, those very same things you expected of yourself when you married Ian and weren’t able to experience? She had to admit she didn’t know.

She was also going to have to fess up that she did more than conduct exercise classes. Matt had no idea how well off she was or how successful she was back home. Several times she’d been tempted to tell him, but for one reason or another, she hadn’t because she was afraid she would intimidate him.

Two more weeks.

Summer fling?

What happened when the fling was over?

You pack up, go home, nurse your bruised heart, and go on from there.

Who
was
this person in the mirror?

Emily gave herself a shake, pulled her orange dress over her head, straightened it, buckled the belt, slipped her feet into her sandals. She fluffed out her hair, added a spritz of perfume, and clipped on her earrings.

“You might be happy, but you’re just too damn negative for me,” Emily said to the person staring back at her.

Her car keys in hand, Emily snapped off the light in her bathroom.

Rosie was on the front porch, to Emily’s surprise. “I thought I’d walk down and walk you up to the parking lot and then go on to dinner. You look jittery,” she said, taking Emily’s arm. “Don’t be. You don’t have to commit to anything, assuming we’re right about this little dinner. You are your own person, Emily. Believe in yourself. Whatever you do will be right for you.”

“Oh sure, look how I screwed up things with Ian.”

“Who screwed things up?”

“Okay, we both screwed up. I made some terrible decisions that were very hard to live with.”

“But you did live with them. Look at you now. Emily, you literally have it all. Think about that. You have a successful business you and your friends created. You have a man back home who loves you and you have a man here who loves you. You are a lovely woman, sensitive, caring. You, my dear, have come full circle, as the saying goes.”

“I’m going to miss you, Rosie. Have you given any more thought to my offer of joining me in New Jersey?”

“That sounds like you’re going back. I want to go home and see my children and grandchildren. I want to be home for Christmas; it’s a special time for my family. The first of the year will be time enough to make a decision. Well, here we are, Emily. Drive carefully and be home by nine-thirty.” Rosie laughed. “You look great, Emily. You’ll blow his socks off.”

Emily hugged her new friend. “Don’t eat too much of that pot roast and go easy on Cookie’s gravy; it’s a killer.”

“Tell me about it,” Rosie said, falling into a jog to make her way to the dining room.

The plan for the evening was that Emily was to drive to Matt’s house to save him the trip back up the mountain. He would fix dinner for his kids, and make sure homework was being attended to before he left. Obviously tonight was going to be a sexless evening unless Matt followed her back to her cabin, which was unlikely since it was a school night. She felt disgruntled with the knowledge.

Emily switched on the radio. Tears blurred her eyes as she listened to the words of a popular song…
a few stolen moments is all we share…I just break down and cry…I’m saving all my love for you…
Emily dabbed at her eyes, switching the station.

It was still light when Emily pulled her jeep into the driveway. Benjy was sitting on the steps, a ball of fur in his lap.

“Is he yours?” Emily crooned, stooping down to pet the furry little head. “He’s gorgeous. Does he have a name?”

“Not yet. Some camper dumped him and I found him on the way home from school. If Dad lets me keep him, I’ll give him a name. Do you think he will, Emily?”

“Does your dad like animals?”

“Sure. We weren’t allowed to have a dog because…because my mother said it made her allergies worse.”

“If he was yours, what would you call him?”

“Bizzy. Not b-u-s-y, but B-i-z-z-y.”

“Guess that means he gets around a lot. Very clever,” Emily said, tousling his hair. “Want me to speak to your dad?” she whispered.

“Yeah,” the boy said, raising hopeful eyes.

“Okay. You’ll take care of him, right? That means feeding him, walking him, and giving him a bath when he needs it.”

“I’ll do everything,” the boy promised.

Emily entered the house. “Matt, I’m here,” she called. She squeezed her eyes shut, hoping that when she opened them, the pictures in the living room would be gone. This time she crossed her fingers, but when she opened her eyes, they were still there. She felt her shoulders go slack.

God, he’s handsome, Emily thought as she held up her face for his light kiss. She felt annoyed for some reason. Why was it men grew distinguished as they grew older and women just got older? She thought about her weight loss, the loose skin, and her face-lift. If she hadn’t done all that, she knew she wouldn’t be standing here in Matt Haliday’s living room with his first wife’s spirit looking on. She thought she felt a piece of her heart chip away.

“Did you meet our new guest?”

“Bizzy? Yes, he’s adorable. Are you going to keep him?”

“Yeah. Benjy needs him and the pup needs an owner. I hate it when someone dumps an animal. It makes my blood boil.”

“When are you going to tell him?”

Matt looked at her curiously, as much as to say, Interfering already? Damn, that’s not what the look meant at all. As usual, she was overreacting.

“Right now. He can give him a bath while we’re gone and have someone to keep him company. Molly, of course, is in her room with the phone stuck to her ear.”

“It’s all part of growing up, Matt.”

They were on the porch. Benjy had the pup curled up against his cheek. He looked up at his father. Matt nodded. “He’s your responsibility. Remember now, if you don’t take care of him, you’ll be no better than the person who dumped him. I want your word, Benjy.”

“I promise, Dad. Should I give him a bath now?”

“Good idea. Try not to get water in his ears and soap in his eyes. Dry him real good, and yes, he can sleep with you. Put some papers down on the floor in the kitchen, by the doors, and in your room.”

“Okay, Dad.” When he passed Emily, he gave her skirt a twitch by way of a thank-you.

“Where are we going, Matt?”

“I thought we’d go to Solly’s. The ribs are great, the steak soft as butter, and the fish is fresh every day. They serve a great peach pie for dessert. It isn’t really a classy restaurant, just a good one.”

“Any way is fine, Matt. I’m not fussy.”

“That’s one of the things I like about you,” he said, taking his hand off the wheel to reach for hers. “You aren’t a phony, you aren’t pretentious, and you don’t expect…things. You’re simple like myself.”

Simple.
He meant it as a compliment. “What you see is what you get.”

“Exactly. Women always know exactly how to put things. You look pretty tonight, Emily. You always look pretty, though. Even when you were all banged up.”

“Are you buttering me up for something, Matt?” she teased lightly.

“Lord, no. Molly is forever telling me I have to express myself. She says people aren’t mind readers and she’s right. It’s helped me a lot with Benjy. I miss you already, Emily and you still have two weeks to go before you leave.”

“I’ll just be a phone call away,” Emily said lightly.

“It won’t be the same.”

“No, it won’t,” Emily said. “I’ll miss you too.”

“Whoever would have thought I would, at the age of fifty-five, fall in love and feel like a kid again? Do you feel that way?”

“Pretty much.”

Matt was silent for several minutes. “Do you ever find it curious that neither one of us has really talked about our past?”

“I think about it sometimes,” Emily said.

“Why do you suppose that is?” Matt asked.

“I guess we didn’t want to clutter up our moments with the past. Is there something you feel you want to say? You don’t have to, you know.”

They were in the parking lot of Solly’s. Matt turned off the ignition and pocketed the key. He reached for Emily’s hand. “I got married late. I was forty-one. I thought I was going to be a bachelor all my life, charm women and walk away. Then I met my wife, who was twenty-one years younger than me. I fell hopelessly in love in the time it took my heart to beat once. Caroline was…there was something ethereal about her. She was small, fragile, with eyes the color of dark opals. She had the loveliest smile. My heart would swell every time she smiled at me. She was too young for me, but I didn’t care. I swore I would take care of her forever and ever. What I did was put her on a cushion and then I never let her get off.”

“Matt, you don’t have to tell me any of this.”

“No, I want you to know. Caroline didn’t know the first thing about keeping house or cooking. I don’t know how that was possible, but she made such a disaster out of everything it was simpler to do it myself. I cooked, I cleaned, and when Molly was born, I started working two jobs so I could pay someone to come in and take care of her.

“Caroline’s life consisted of needlepoint, television, and books. She said she loved me, loved Molly, but I don’t think she knew the meaning of the word
love.
We made love, but it wasn’t satisfying. I didn’t know it was supposed to be like it is with us. I had affairs, but they were all physical, there was no emotional involvement.

“Caroline…after Benjy’s birth, to me was never the same. She was deteriorating right before my eyes and I didn’t recognize it. When it was too late, I asked her why she didn’t complain or say she wasn’t feeling well and she said…she said…she thought it was her punishment for not loving the children and me. I went berserk. I started to drink, almost lost my job. Ivan covered for me, often working both shifts. Hell, I was so drunk the day Caroline died I couldn’t get up off the floor. Ivan said I went to the funeral, but I don’t remember it. That time, while I was married, is all a blur to me. How could I…?”

“It’s over, Matt. Please, let’s talk about something else.”

“I need for you to know, Emily. The other reason is I don’t want to make another mistake. Are we a mistake, Emily?”

He’s giving me an out if I want to take it. She needed to give him an out too. “Only if we rush into something neither of us is prepared to handle.”

“Let’s go inside.”

“Would you rather go back to the cabin? We can get down on our knees and beg Sister Cookie to give us some leftovers. I wouldn’t mind in the least, Matt.”

“You really wouldn’t?”

“Not at all.”

“I wanted to show you one nice evening, Emily. And you look so pretty.”

“I think I’d rather go back.”

They were roaring out of the parking lot a moment later.

With the wind in her hair and singing in her ears, Emily smiled in the darkness.

“I love you, Emily.”

“Would you love me if I was fat, had a double chin, and lots and lots of wrinkles?”

There was a five-second wait until he responded. “Of course. Those are outside things. I didn’t fall in love with you because of your looks.”

Emily’s heart skipped a beat. Ben had said the same thing, but there hadn’t been that little pause. Ben had seen her at her worst and at her best. Matt was seeing the new refurbished Emily. He hadn’t even realized she’d gotten a face-lift. How was this possible? It must be that inner beauty thing people always talked about. She was definitely going to have to talk to the sisters again, maybe even Father Michael.