Dear Darling (7 page)

“It’s why I love space so much. I would spend hours outside because it was safer there than in the house. I loved looking up at the stars, imagining being a spaceman away from all the crap, away from my family. Aaron left as soon as he could, he and Jodie found a small flat together. I don’t blame him. I wish he’d taken me with him.” He looked at his hands, knotting his fingers together. “I knew he couldn’t, he barely had the money for himself, never mind me too.” Blowing out a deep sigh, he continued. “It got worse when he left. He had no one else to take his anger out on but me after that. I could’ve handled the beatings and the constant put downs but not what happened next.” Tears streamed down my cheeks, my chest hurt, and my breathing almost stopped. I wished I could take away his pain, I wished I could stop what he was saying, change the past, make him forget, but I couldn’t.

“When I was eleven, my parents had a party for my dad’s birthday. They invited all their friends, and my dad invited people from the local pub who he’d regularly drink with. My father had banned me from leaving my room, and I was happy to sit on my bed and stare out of the window at the sky all night. I could hear the music pounding through the walls, but I didn’t hear him come into my room.” His voice quivered, and I held my breath, not wanting him to say what I knew he was going to say.

“He held me down. I tried to scream, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything.” I couldn’t believe what he was telling me. I didn’t want to believe it because it was too unbearable. Tears dripped down my face in waves as my body shook uncontrollably. I felt sick, but not because I felt disgusted at my husband, it was blinding anger that any father could do that to their own son. “I didn’t tell anyone at first. I hid the blood-stained sheets and scrubbed myself clean in the shower. I felt dirty and disgusting. I felt ashamed.”

“Baby, you know that it wasn’t your fault, don’t you?” My voice shook as I said the words.

“I know now, but I didn’t back then. I thought it was because I’d been bad. I thought I was being punished. Aaron was the one who found the sheets, he questioned me for hours until I finally gave in and told him what happened. He took me out of there that day, and we never went back.”

“What about your mum?”

“She never believed it. She said that I was lying. I haven’t seen her or Shelley since I was eleven, and I never want to see them ever again.” I couldn’t believe what he’d been through. It explained why he had never spoken of his father before now, though. He left his past in the past, and he went on to be someone caring, loving, smart, and loyal. He was more of a man than his father could ever be.

“I promise to be the father he never was. I will never lay a finger on my child.” He didn’t sound broken or angry when he said the words. They were spoken with a reverence that was a promise to the stars he loved so much and the unborn child in my belly.

“I love you, Elias Vale. I’ll always love you. You’re going to be a wonderful father. We’ve started a new life and a new family, and you can forget about the past. We are all you’ll ever need.” His mouth found mine as he kissed me deeply.

“You will always be all I’ll ever need and want.”

“Breathe baby, breathe,” Eli soothed, patting my head with a damp cloth.

“You try breathing while squeezing a melon out of your meatus,” I screamed, batting his hand away from me. I’d been in labour for seven hours, and I was thoroughly exhausted.

“I know it hurts, baby, but you need to try to breathe through it like they—”

“Listen here, when you give birth you can bloody well breathe, until then, SHUT UP!” I squeezed his hand tightly as the next contraction ripped through my body. I was ready to push, but I was terrified. Exhaustion was setting in, my entire body was clammy with sweat, and my breathing had become ragged. I didn’t think I was going to be able to do it. Plus, I’d read stories about people who had pooed themselves whilst pushing, and I would be mortified if that happened to me.

“You’re fully dilated,” the midwife said. “Do you want to try to push on the next contraction?” I nodded and pulled my legs up. Eli, who was standing next to me, helped by putting one of his hands under my knee and I was thankful. Even though I wanted to throttle him for doing this to me, he was here, helping me through it. I pushed my chin down as the contractions started and then pushed as hard as I could. It went on and on, contraction, push, breathe. I was about to give up, but the midwife coached me through one more push and at 8.15 p.m. on the 21st of April, Samuel James Vale was born weighing 9 lb 3 oz. He was the most beautiful baby I’d ever seen. A mass of brown hair stuck to his wet head and his dark eyes opened wide, taking in all his new surroundings. He took my breath away, and when he let loose a cry and turned his head to me, my eyes welled with tears. I would never love another sound as much as I loved the first noise I heard from my son.

“Oh my God, Eli, I’m gonna have a massive fanny after this,” I said when they told me how much he weighed. I think all of the gas and air they had given me had made me more vocal.

“Don’t worry, love, it will shrink back to a perfect size,” the midwife said with a wink.

“Well thank goodness for that.” The relief in my voice was evident, Eli chuckled next to me. After the midwife cleaned our son up and wrapped him tightly in a blanket, she brought him and laid him on my chest. I fell in love immediately. His tiny button nose wrinkled as I held him to my breast and he suckled. Relief washed over me, after months of worrying about breastfeeding. The pride in Eli’s eyes as he wiped away a tear staining his cheek was enormous. I could tell already the love he had for his son. If he could breastfeed him himself, he would have. Samuel fell asleep whilst feeding, and Eli took him from my exhausted body, placing him inside his cot. He lingered a while, watching his son sleep, the love in his eyes clear already. My eyes fluttered closed, and I could feel the adrenaline starting to wear off.

“I’m gonna go and call your parents and Aaron,” he said, wiping away a sweaty strand of hair from my face.

“We’ll be right here when you get back.” I smiled, glancing over at my sleeping baby. “Can you let Mel know for me too, please?” She would kill me if she found out she wasn’t one of the first people we called. She was going to be his godmother after all.

"Of course I will.” He bent to kiss the top of my head before leaving the room quietly.

Everything in our lives seemed perfect. We had gotten our happily ever after. We were a family. Four years ago, I never would have thought I’d be married with a child. Now, I couldn’t imagine my life any other way.

When Samuel was born I didn’t think I could love anyone harder than I loved him. It was a different kind of love, though. A natural bond between mother and son. It was the bond your mother should have had with you. You’ve been a wonderful father. You kept your promise to be the best dad you could ever be, and I’m so proud of you.

Do you remember when we first took him home? You spent as much time with us as possible. You helped with the night feeds and did everything possible to make my life as easy as could be. You made me enjoy being a mother. You told me how beautiful I was, even though I still had the baby weight and made me feel like your queen every single day.

It was one of my favourite times together as a family.

“Mum, how the hell do I cook the turkey?” Christmas was a week away, and I’d stupidly offered to host this year.

“I can’t believe you don’t know how to cook a turkey, Saffron. Do you know how to cook a chicken?”

“Well, of course I do. I’m not completely useless.” I huffed at my mother’s comment.

“It’s the same. Take out the giblets from its bum then stuff a lemon up there.” I screwed up my face even though she couldn’t see me on the other end of the phone. “Make a slit in the skin and place some butter under each breast. Then season it, and place it upside down in your tin. Cover it well with foil.” I quickly wrote all the instructions down, panicking that I’d make a mistake and it would end up burnt or dry.

“Okay, thank you. How long does it cook for?”

“It should tell you on the packaging, it goes by weight. Do you want me to come and help?”

“No, I can do it.” I was adamant I was going to do this all by myself. I was a mother now, I had to learn to do motherly things.

“Okay. Call if you need me, darling.”

“Will do. Love you.” I hung up the phone, placing my hands in my head. It was only a Christmas dinner. How hard could it be?

* * *

“Merry Christmas, beautiful,” Eli whispered into my ear. Yawning, I stretched my aching limbs.

“What time is it?” I asked and glanced at the still dark window.

“Um, it’s early, but I can’t sleep.” Even in the dark I could see his mischievous grin.

“Elias Vale, what time is it?”

“Five,” he said cautiously. His big eyes opened wide and his bottom lip quivered. How could I be angry when he looked so adorable?

“You’re worse than a child,” I said exasperated.

“I know, but you love me.” He jumped out of bed after placing a quick peck to my forehead. I could hear his feet pattering along the wooden floor towards Samuel’s bedroom, where George and Sam slept soundly. Grabbing my dressing gown from the chair, I tiptoed quietly down the hall, listening to my over excited husband. “Ho, ho, ho,” he said as he entered the room. I could hear George giggling as Jodie opened the door to the spare room.

“Does he know what time it is?” she asked with a small smile on her lips.

“He’s excited.” I shrugged. “Let’s go make some coffee.”

An hour later, everyone was downstairs opening presents. I had already put the turkey in the oven, but I had this dreaded feeling that something bad would happen to it.

“I don’t know who’s the bigger kid here,” Aaron said, looking at his baby brother with a fond smirk. “Can you remember our first Christmas when you came to live with me and Jodie?” Eli looked up from where Sam was opening one of his presents and smiled at his brother. I released the breath I was holding when I noticed that Eli was smiling. There wasn’t even a hint of tension in his body.

“Yeah, it was a good day. Even though we didn’t have a lot, you both made it special. I’ll always remember that day. Besides, you guys got me a bike, which was the best gift ever.” Aaron looked at Jodie, and they both smiled.

“You almost broke your leg falling off that bike.” Aaron laughed.

“Saff,” Jodie said. “Has he ever told you the story?” I shook my head, but it didn’t bother me that I didn’t know. I was so happy to see Eli remembering a good Christmas day as a child.

“Aaron got me a second-hand bike, I’d never ridden one before,” Eli said, looking at me with nostalgia in his eyes. “I was so excited I didn’t care that it was snowing. I wanted to ride it. So, we bundled up and went to the park. Aaron spent hours teaching me to ride that damn bike. I don’t know how many times I fell, but he wouldn’t let us leave until I did it. I think I must’ve got too cocky because the next thing I knew I was flying across the gravel, the bike mangling round my leg.” He laughed, looking towards his brother. “Aaron picked me up and checked me over. I had a small bruise on my ankle and some scrapes, but nothing as dramatic as Jodes makes out.’ He winked at her and she shrugged. “Afterwards, we went home to eat turkey sandwiches and chips. It was simple, but it was such a great day.” My heart swelled knowing something so small and untraditional had turned into something he would remember forever.

“That’s such a lovely story. I can’t wait for you to teach Sam to ride his first bike. Just don’t let him get too cocky.” We both looked to our son, who had managed to get the wrapping off and was now playing with the paper. The toy thrown to the floor.

We finished unwrapping presents and ate a perfect Christmas dinner, with a little help from my mum, who showed up in time to rescue the dry turkey.

On New Year’s Eve, Aaron and Jodie returned our previous child-minding favours and babysat so Eli and I could have a well-deserved night out. It was the first time I’d left Sam since he was born, and I was flapping like a mother hen. My maternity leave had been extended, so I had no plans to go back to work until January. The thought of going back and leaving Sam scared me, I didn’t want to miss a single part of Sam’s childhood. Eli hated that he was missing things, like his first smile and the first time he laughed. I didn’t want to miss the first time he crawled or walked. It would break my heart, but we needed the money, so I had to try. This night out was a tester to see if I could do it.

“You look beautiful,” Eli said as we were getting ready in our bedroom. His eyes sparkled as he looked me up and down. He always knew how to make me feel beautiful with one glance. I’d put on a black dress with silver sparkling lining and matching silver jewellery. For the first time in ages, I felt like a princess instead of the frumpy mummy I had become. I’d put on some weight during my pregnancy, but I liked the curves, I just needed to get rid of the wobbly tummy that came with it.

“You don’t look so bad yourself.” I winked at my husband, who was dressed in black jeans and white button-down shirt. His top button was open, and I could see a small patch of chest hair scattering his tanned skin.

“Are you ready to go?” he asked, kissing the top of my head as he walked past me to head out of the bedroom door.

“Yeah, give me a minute to say goodnight to Sam and I’ll be down.” He nodded and headed downstairs as I crept into Sam’s room to kiss him goodnight. My beautiful baby was growing so fast, his thick brown hair stuck up in all directions as he lay fast asleep in his cot with his blue teddy bear by the side of his head. Bending down, I kissed the top of his head softly, so as not to wake him. He stirred slightly but didn’t wake, and I let out a deep breath.

“Stop worrying, he will be fine,” Jodie whispered as I left the room.

“I know. I don’t like leaving him, though.”

“He won’t even know you’ve gone.” She smiled, pushing me towards the stairs. “Now go. Have fun.” When I walked down the staircase, Eli was standing there looking as handsome as he ever did.

“Are you ready now?” He smirked.

“Yes, I’m ready. Let’s go.” I gave Jodie a quick kiss on the cheek and followed my husband out to the car.

“Thanks for the flowers, I forgot to say with all the madness of the past week.” Eli took his eyes away from the road for a second to look at me confused.

“I didn’t buy you flowers?” he said with a hint of confusion.

“Oh, it must’ve been Jodie. They were in a vase on the table when I got back from the shops the other day. I assumed they were from you.” I shrugged.

“Maybe you have a secret admirer,” he joked. Rolling my eyes, I looked out of the window, watching the cars go past as we headed up the motorway towards the city centre.

We arrived at a quaint restaurant in Chinatown, and the waiter showed us to our table. We ate and laughed, and I tried not to think about what I was missing at home. The waiter cleared our plates and placed a dessert menu in front of us, which I inspected with the intensity of someone pondering life and death choices—it all looked so good. I had narrowed it to two options when Eli cleared his throat.

“Do you know that bloke over there?” he whispered. I went to turn around, but he stopped me. “Don’t make it obvious.” Sitting up straight in my seat, I pretended to look around for a waiter as I glanced towards the bar and spotted the man with blonde hair staring at us. My brain tried to remember if I knew him, but it came up blank.

“Nope, I haven’t a clue.”

“He’s been staring at us for the last twenty minutes. It’s starting to creep me out.” I laughed at my over-reacting husband.

“Ignore him. He’s probably some weirdo.”

“He probably fancies you, I wouldn’t blame him.” Eli grinned. I laughed as we placed out dessert orders and when the plate was placed in front of me moments later, I forgot all about the creepy man staring at us. It was delicious.

“I’ll call Jodie to make sure everything’s all right before we go to the party,” I said as I finished the last bite. Even though I knew that he would be okay, the mum in me worried. We were due at one of the clubs in town for the annual New Year’s Eve party, which Eli’s work hosted. Some of the people that Eli worked with weren’t the type of people that I’d expect to go out partying, but I had promised Eli that I would try to mingle with his work colleagues.

“You need to relax, babe. Jodie and Aaron know how to look after a baby, they’ll be fine.”

“I know that, I just need to check.” Leaving Eli to pay the bill, I went outside to use the phone. It was a cold evening, so I threw my wrap around my shoulders to shelter me from the winds chill. The clouds were clearing and you could just see the stars starting to appear from behind them. I always made a point to look up at the sky, it reminded me of my husband and always made me smile. Jodie picked up the phone on the first ring and I sighed in relief.

“Why are you calling? You should be out having fun,” Jodie scolded.

“I wanted—”

“You want to make sure that I could look after your son?” she interrupted me.

“I know you can, but I just wanted to see if he was okay. He can be a fussy sleeper.”

“He’s fine, sound asleep. Now, go and enjoy yourself. I don’t want you calling again.” I could hear the smile in her voice as she hung up the phone, leaving me talking to myself.

“Are you ready?” Eli asked as he exited the doors.

“Yep, Sam’s fine.”

“I told you, didn’t I?” He smirked, putting his arm around me, as we walked the few short blocks towards the party.

Arriving at the nightclub, we were greeted by a man who took our invitation and directed us up towards the VIP area on the second floor. The party was already in full swing by the time we got there, and lots of people milled about, talking to each other loudly.

“Eli, I don’t know anyone,” I said, clinging to his arm tighter.

“You’ll be fine. There are plenty of wives here that you can talk to. Most are in the same boat. Don’t worry.” I hadn’t spoken to anyone outside of my friends and family in such a long time. I had become a recluse since having Sam. Straightening my shoulders, Eli walked us towards a group of people.

“Hey everyone. This is my wife, Saffy,” he introduced me. They all introduced themselves, but only one of them stood out to me. Elaine seemed genuinely nice and looked nervous and out of place, a lot like myself.

As the night went on, Eli became more and more preoccupied by his work colleagues and work talk. I didn’t know anything about molecular oxygen in space, or the
Orion Nebula and the Rho Ophiuchi cloud. To me, it was all foreign.

I glanced over my shoulder to Elaine, who was sitting at the bar looking bored. Her glass was balanced on her knee with one hand as she wrapped her long blonde hair around her fingers of her other hand staring into space.