Dear Adam (33 page)

Even now, I read something funny or shocking
in the news and I immediately think, unable to stop myself, I've
got to show this to Adam, what would Adam think? All these bubbly
thoughts, these hopes, these dreams, these potent feelings -
stoppered, nowhere to go. I am bottled up again.

I borrowed books on Scotland, did you know
that? I knew I was tempting fate but I was so excited. I imagined
us exploring Edinburgh's cobbled streets, shivering in the cold,
gloved hand in gloved hand. Lingering in bookstores then going back
to our hotel. I was going to bring you Mountain Dew and Oreos, your
favorite guilty pleasures. I would laugh and ask how someone with
such fine taste could crave American junk. But I'd give it to you
anyway because I'd want you to be happy.

I shouldn't have borrowed books, shouldn't
have checked airplane fares, shouldn't have secretly dreamed.

The dream of you and me - so beautiful,
growing more beautiful every moment that it goes further and
further away from my reach. I clung to it, even when I knew deep
down that you never intended for it to happen.

I lied to you Adam. I kept those recordings
of your voice. You know why? Because I knew that someday I would
need them. Someday, I would play them over and over and over again
just to help me get through the night.

Eden

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Sunday, November 17 3:01 AM

Fr: Eden Espinoza

To: Eden Espinoza

Dear Adam,

I made tamales last night. Dante seemed
relieved when he came home and saw I was up and about, in the
kitchen like normal, instead of holed up in my room, underneath
covers.

You're probably thinking I've cut you out
completely. That I do not care. I can't go too far down that path
of wondering how you feel or how you are because it will lead to me
begging for your forgiveness. While I don't give a damn about
looking pathetic, about owning up to having done a great wrong, I
have to remember that I know nothing of the truth.

You asked me once to take a leap of faith
with you and I did. But now I've crashed from such a terrible
height, wings broken. You've vanished back into the mists from
where you came and I'm all alone in the darkness.

Eden

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Wednesday, November 20 12:01 AM

Fr: Eden Espinoza

To: Eden Espinoza

Dear Adam,

It is raining here as it is in Agrigento.
But you are not in Agrigento, are you? You don't exist.

I don't either. Not really. I'm moving in
this life, from one hour to the next, a ghost in mourning.

You were all the books I had ever read, all
the fairy tales I wished were true, everything I had ever wanted -
someone strong, principled, honorable, intelligent, soulful, funny,
poetic. Even the way you came into my life was a story.

It was as though a magician had peered into
my soul, divined its secrets, then conjured you - a mysterious,
masked man from a distant land drawn to me by my writing. That I
never saw your face bewitched me even more. You were beautiful to
me without physical trappings.

When I think about the men I've come across
since you came into my life - trying hard to catch my eye or
interest me in something more than idle conversation - they still
pale and wither in comparison to you - someone I've neither met nor
seen. Strip them of their handsome faces and young bodies and they
would be the dull noise in the background. Without your brilliant
gleam, your sharp wit, your colorful stories, your depth and soul,
your seductive voice, without your heart.

If you are a fictional character, then I am
spellbound by a lie. I am sick for you Adam. No one else can cure
me of this spell, this curse.

Eden

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Wednesday, November 27 11:01 PM

Fr: Eden Espinoza

To: Eden Espinoza

Dear Adam,

I'll have a perfectly fine day - busy, not a
moment to think too much, but then once I am by myself, when I'm in
the car alone or in my room at the end of the night - the sea of
sorrow would come and drown me. I want to hide somewhere until "all
this" is over. Whatever this is. Except "this" is the permanent
state, not happiness.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving at my house. I
dreaded it at first, but now I'm glad I'll be busy with my family
around me. I'll be the super-efficient, no nonsense me. The proud
recluse who prefers her books to being with a man. They have no
idea of you. How I wish I could have had everyone meet you. See -
look - he is the one I was waiting for! He is the one I was meant
to be with. Now, do you see why I waited, why I was so choosy?

What am I thankful for? Lots of things -
health, a job, my house, my family, friends, my possessions. I am
thankful that I met you. Even if you were composed of smoke and
shadows and story, even with the pain I now live with, I'm still
glad I loved you.

Eden

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Tuesday, December 3 10:36 PM

Fr: Eden Espinoza

To: Eden Espinoza

Dear Adam,

Today I catalogued all my books. I spent
most of the day that way. It's just to keep busy, doing absolutely
useless things. I don't want to go anywhere, be with anyone. I have
only the will to do the minimum of what is expected of me.
Otherwise, I just want to hole up in my house, wander its rooms or
relentlessly clean and scour.

I fear that I will soon go crazy. Every time
I pause, I burst into tears and my insides hurt. This ball of pain
inside me needs to be expelled. But it stays. And with every moment
it grows.

I wonder how long I will write to you.

I've never yearned for winter more. It would
have been cruel to bear the loss of you in spring or summer, when
all the world is young and new while I am old and done for.

Eden

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Monday, December 16 11:43 PM

Fr: Eden Espinoza

To: Eden Espinoza

Dear Adam,

I felt good today. Good as in I didn't
suddenly dissolve into tears multiple times. Not once even. Well,
not yet anyway.

I feel productive. On my way to somewhere. I
wonder if I'm healing. I wonder if this means that I did the right
thing.

I don't miss you any less. Feel your
presence any less. I still have conversations in my head with you.
The part of me that loves I left in purgatory. I come back to it
often. But the rest of me - the quiet and unremarkable me - is
living a semblance of life and doing things. Ever efficient.

I’ve begun writing again. I remembered a
conversation we had, the one where you prodded and poked me until I
admitted that I wrote stories in secret. I don’t know how you knew,
but that was the way with everything. You knew me better than I
knew myself.

“
I could tell from your
reviews,” you said, “They’re so well-written. If you ever show me
your stories, Edie, I would be honored.”

It touched me when you said that. I couldn’t
speak. Only my best friend knows that I write and even she has
never seen any of it. In time I thought I would share with you #2
on my secret list – to publish what I’ve written. I dared not say
it out loud, even to you. I was afraid to tell you that it was a
fantasy series I’ve labored over for years. I cared so much about
your opinion.

I wish we could have talked about writing
more. I was so guarded about it. So superstitious. I wanted to read
your manuscript but was afraid to ask in case I would have to
reciprocate.

Now I won't ever have the chance unless fate
decides that I stumble upon your book in a store someday. Like you,
your story is lost to me.

Eden

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Wednesday, December 25 11:06 PM

Fr: Eden Espinoza

To: Eden Espinoza

Dear Adam,

I was happy and sad today. Happy because
Dante and I spent time together. Sad because you weren't there. I
wanted to buy new ornaments for you - ones you chose and will be
forever yours, every time we put up the tree. For years to
come.

I wanted you to be stringing the lights with
me, with us. I wanted to buy you presents and watch you open them
Christmas morning. I already had a list, did you know that? Months
ago I made it.

I wanted so much to spend Christmas with
you. I don’t know how many times I begged for you to come spend it
with me.

I still remember how you told me you never
celebrate it because of all the horrible memories from your
childhood. How I despise your father and what he did to you. Not
just because of Christmas but all the days you were neglected, all
the times you were left to starve for food and for love.

I want to smother you with love, spoil you
with affection. Erase every hurt, every bad memory. Were you making
that up? Because I wasn't. I really do want to do all those things.
I feel so sad. Not for myself, but for the poor, lonely little boy
in my heart.

Eden

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Friday, December 27 5:17 PM

Fr: Vivian Lane

To: Eden Espinoza

Subject: HEY!

Guess what, um, it’s late December :)

Sorry, I haven’t been around lately. Just
got back from Japan. But I’m here for the next few days and then
I’m spending New Year’s in Hawaii with Steven.

Can we have dinner sometime this week before
I leave?

BTW, I tried calling your phone and got
someone else’s voice mail. Did you change it???

Love,

V

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Friday, December 27 6:03 PM

Fr: Eden Espinoza

To: Vivian Lane

Subject: Re: HEY!

Hi, Vivi!

Sorry, I can’t this week. How about sometime
in January?

How was Japan??? I’m so jealous!

I changed my number. Sorry, I forgot to tell
you. I just texted you from it so save it to your contacts when you
get the text.

Love,

Eden

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Tuesday, January 7 1:12 AM

Fr: Eden Espinoza

To: Eden Espinoza

Dear Adam,

I looked through all the pictures I have of
you today. Especially the one of you as a baby. I was trying so
hard, like I always do, to imagine what you look like. And then I
remembered that they are probably false. They are probably pictures
of someone else. Lots of someone elses.

Did you ever give me anything real?

Eden

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Saturday, January 18 2:33 AM

Fr: Eden Espinoza

To: Eden Espinoza

Dear Adam,

I was suddenly very sad yesterday. The day
was beautiful. The sun shining so brightly, as if there had never
been a storm. I saw my movie, read my books. Dante was fine, happy.
And I finally found an editor I could work with to help me with my
series. Nothing was wrong.

I was buying meat at the butcher section of
the grocery store. There was a man there who looked expectantly at
me. He had his head shaved and was pale, about 6'1", and for a
moment, a heartbreaking moment, I thought, "Adam." But right after
that, I knew he wasn't, couldn't be. He was older, with glasses,
which you don't like. He was wearing jogging pants, which you would
never wear. And he was real, which you are not.

Yesterday, I resolved again to just sever
all ties. Delete all my pictures of you, delete the voice
recordings, never write another ghost e-mail. I'm only hurting
myself by keeping up these stupid rituals. But in the end I
couldn't.

You feel so close to me still. Despite the
tortuous goodbye and the days of silence stretching out into
interminable forevers, our connection has not been severed. Maybe
it is just blind denial, a desperation to hold onto something that
has died, to someone who will never return.

I am a ghost trapped in a room that has lain
empty for months now, but I can still smell the lingering traces of
your cologne, echoes of your voice, like distant thunder.

Eden

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Friday, January 24 10:23 AM

Fr: Vivian Lane

To: Eden Espinoza

Subject: Hi!

Hey, how are you??? I missed hanging out
with you last month, and so did Regine and Sue. How about we get
together this weekend? I am long overdue for a girls’ night out. A
round of cosmos on me!!!

V

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Friday, January 24 11:00 AM

Fr: Eden Espinoza

To: Vivian Lane