Dead and Dateless (17 page)

I’d been fortunate enough to snag my favorite Diane von Furstenberg wrap dress—black and white with cap sleeves—before fleeing from the cops and a fab pair of black leather Vivia’s, so I didn’t feel underdressed.

“Your brothers have been here for over an hour,” my mother informed me.

Geez, Mom, It’s great to hear you’re doing so well. Me? Well, I’m wanted for murder, which means every cop between here and Manhattan is looking for me. I’ve got an overprotective bounty hunter for a babysitter. And my hair—damn its traitorous soul—refused to cooperate. In a nutshell, I’m peachy. Just peachy.

“Your father and I count on these nights, Lilliana,” she went on, “and we fully expect our children to hold them in the same regard.”

“I do.” I smiled. It was that or bust into tears, and my mom isn’t really the type you can cry in front of. (Plunder small villages? Yes. Cry? No friggin’ way.) “The next time I resist arrest and go on the lam, I’ll be sure to ask for hunt nights off in advance.”

“It’s the very least you can do, dear.”

I know she gave birth to me and we share the same bloodline and I should be eternally thankful and all. I wouldn’t be here in all my vamp glory if it weren’t for the sixteen hours of extremely painful labor valiantly endured by the woman standing in front of me. I
know
(namely because she reminded me on all major holidays and my birthday) and I appreciate it. Really. It’s just that sometimes (i.e., now) I felt like smacking her.

“Don’t just stand there.” She motioned me inside. “Everyone is waiting.”

While she was as uptight and pretentious as ever, I knew something was off when, instead of gliding toward the living room in her totally fab pair of strappy leather Jimmy Choos, she reached for a bottle of Scotch that sat on a nearby counter and downed a swig.

It wasn’t the alcohol that clued me in, but the fact that she didn’t bother pouring it into a glass. My mom was the walking poster girl for born vampire decorum. She dressed her best, minded her manners, and never played with her food (except that time she’d played a few sets with Martina Navratilova).

“
Everyone.
” She took another swig and swiped the edge of her mouth with the back of one perfectly manicured hand. “Including Jack’s human.”

My brother had been bringing his human flavor of the week for as long as I could remember. While my folks didn’t like it, they usually dismissed it with a “Male vampires will be male dicks, er, that is vampires” mentality. But this was different. This was…

Realization hit and I perked up. “Dr. Mandy’s here?”

My mother cut me a startled stare. “You know her?”

“Um, no. Not really.” Sure, she’d loaded me into a morgue drawer, but that didn’t mean we were friends for afterlife, right? “I know she’s a doctor and her name is Mandy.” When Mom arched one perfectly sculpted eyebrow, I added, “Jack told me.”

“Since when do you and Jack talk?”

Since I’ve been on the run for murder and he loaned me an obscene amount of money that I fully intend to pay back just as soon as my life gets back to normal and the planets align
.

She seemed to have forgotten that all-important tidbit—me being on the run—in her desperation for Scotch and I wasn’t about to remind her. Besides, she looked upset. Shaken, even.

I know, right?
My
mother.

I couldn’t help but respond to her desperate need for empathy (and my desperate need to stay off the chopping block) and lie. “Did I say Jack? I meant Max.”

I expected the usual long, thoughtful, suspicious look.

She waved a hand. “I can’t believe he brought her tonight.” She shook her head. “Your father and I agreed to meet her and
those
people tomorrow evening. Not that we fully expected to actually meet them. Your father and I felt certain we could reason with him after the hunt.
Tonight.
It’s obvious he and this Mandy human are completely wrong for each other. But then he showed up with her. Now she’s here and he’s…” She shook her head again. “I simply cannot believe this. You should see him. He’s completely beside himself.” She shook her head. “He’s just so
different.
”

“He’s in love.”

She looked at me as if I’d sprouted a halo before waving her hand again. “There’s obviously some powerful magic at work. She
has
to be a witch. That’s the only explanation for this drastic behavioral change. He’s like a different vampire since he met her.”

“That’s actually a good thing.” On account of Jack’s usually a shit and all.

Okay, now I’d sprouted a halo
and
angel wings. “Are you
insane
? How in the world is he supposed to spend forever with a
human
?” Before I could point out what was obvious to everyone except for my mother (who would sooner drive a stake into her own heart than do the unthinkable and
make
a vampire) she added, “I need another drink.” She downed a long swig.

I stepped forward (to smack her, of course) and found myself patting her back and mumbling, “It’ll be all right.”

Crazy, right? But I’d been freaked out myself when I’d seen Jack with Mandy. I could only imagine how my mom felt what with him being the fruit of her womb (my mother’s words, not mine).

She took several more drinks before setting the bottle on the counter and straightening her shoulders. “I’m ready,” she said. “The sooner we get in there, the sooner we can send Mandy back to the city and talk some sense into Jack.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

I followed my mother into the living room and braced myself for my father’s reaction when she announced, “Lil forgot your balls.” Followed by the inevitable, “Lil, we’d like you to meet…” where she introduced me to this week’s fix-up. Aka the latest prime specimen of born male vampness wealthy and fertile enough to be her future son-in-law and the sire of her grandchildren.

“Lil’s here,” she said. “Rob’s
it.
” She clapped her hands. “Come on, vampires. Let’s get this show on the road!”

Wait a second.

I glanced around. My father. Max. Rob. Jack. Dr. Mandy. Mom. My father. Max. Rob. Jack. Dr. Mandy…

Holy shit.

“Are you okay?” Jack asked as he came up next to me.

“I love you, bro.” I planted a big, wet one on his cheek. “I
really
love you.” I headed for the back veranda before I broke down and wept with gratitude.

No awkward fix-up. No Mom on my back, pointing out my flaws, berating me for not doing the expected thing and squeezing out a grandchild for her like so-and-so’s daughter. No dad giving me the “eye” and wondering if I’m a lesbian. Not that I have anything against same-sex relationships, but I wouldn’t want people thinking I’m a Sephora girl when I do all my shopping at MAC. Same principle.

The point? This moment…What can I say? It was my fondest dream come true (okay, so maybe it wasn’t
the
fondest, but it ranked right up there with finding my eternity mate and rolling around naked on the beach with Ty). We’re talking
heaven.

Not that I did much talking or thinking about the big H. I rarely gave any thought to the “What happens next?” concept. After all, I’m immortal.

But every once in a great while when I did imagine the “What if I were human—not that I want to be—but what if I
were
?” thing, when I did, H-E-A-V-E-N always consisted of an accepting, supportive family that didn’t think of me as the black sheep.

Black is so
not
my color.

T
he next few moments passed in a frantic blur as my mother herded everyone outside, toward the veranda steps.

Rob got the usual head start and raced down the steps, across the lawn, and into the trees. The
it
person takes the lead and whoever catches him first and gets close enough to blow the whistle around his neck wins.

My father had his usual stopwatch, but before the hand could tick off a full minute, my mom gave the “Go” signal to the rest of us.

My mother and Max took off after Rob. My father was slow on the start, but once he realized what was happening, he hit the forest at warp speed, an enraged look on his face, a competitive gleam in his eyes.

I lagged behind as usual, ready to circle back around just as soon as everyone was out of sight. Mandy was slowing Jack down, however, and so the three of us practically crawled toward the cluster of trees that loomed just beyond the lawn.

Eventually my bro and his sweetie came to a dead stop for a long, lingering kiss (totally cute or what?), and I took advantage of the distraction. I cut to the right and headed for my usual spot—the pool house.

I’d barely settled into a lounge chair to go over my Alpha Meet Market list when I heard the shrill sound of the whistle that signaled the end of the hunt. I glanced at the clock on the portable fridge.

Three minutes?

Not that I was complaining. I was just surprised.

Even more when my mother emerged from the woods a few minutes later dragging a startled Rob by the whistle wrapped around his neck.

“You have to be kidding me,” Max said as she hauled him up the veranda steps. “She hasn’t won the hunt in, like, two hundred years.”

Not since the time she’d beaten my father and he’d pouted for three decades. While she always participated, she usually held back and let someone else walk away with the coveted Moe’s vacation days.

Usually.

Then again, she was desperate to speed things along and get Jack away from Mandy.

Obviously, mothers didn’t just lift cars to save their children. They also tackled other vampires (even the fruit of their womb) and beat the shit out of them when necessary.

“You didn’t have to hit me.” Rob followed her as she led him past us and into the house.

“Stop being such a
bébé,
” she snapped and tugged him even faster.

Inside, he collapsed on the sofa in the living room and leaned his head back against the cushions. His left eye was black and swollen and he looked as if he’d just tangled with a pack of werewolves rather than his own
maman.

My mother shrugged and walked over to the bar to pour him a glass of blood. “It’s a hunt, dear. One must do what is necessary to capture one’s prey.”

“You kicked me, too.” He touched his thigh and his face went visibly pale.

“Only once.” She handed him the glass and studied him for a nanosecond. “You’re fine.”

“I hurt like hell and it wasn’t just once. It was two and a half times.”

“How do you kick someone a half time?” Max asked.

“She tried to kick, but I ducked and rolled and so she barely grazed me,” Rob explained.

“That was ducking and rolling? It looked more like crying and begging to me.” My mother shrugged. “I had to subdue you and prevent you from running.”

“The chase is half the fun.” My father sank into an armchair, a glass of his favorite AB-negative in his hand and a sullen look on his face. “But you killed that, Jacqueline. As usual.”

“Oh, hush. I’ve let you have your fun for two centuries. On top of that, I say nothing when you and Viola go at it every other week when it’s time to trim those blasted hedges.”

“Those are
my
hedges and I can trim them when and if I damn well feel like it. Of course, I won’t have to once the weed killer really sets in.”

I opened my mouth to tell him about Viola and the pee fest, but then thought better of it. I mean, really, who was I to interrupt when they were so totally engrossed in a conversation with each other? No need to distract them.

“The man at the nursery said it should take a few weeks and then
bam,
no more azalea bushes.” His mouth crooked in a devilish smile.

“See?” my mother told him. “You’re having fun. You always have fun. The least you can do is lose gracefully this one time.”

My father’s expression faded back to sullen. “I did not lose. You can’t lose if you don’t get the chance to even try. I would have beat you hands down if you hadn’t broken the rule about no contact in the first ten minutes.”

“Since when is there a rule about no contact in the first ten minutes?”

Since my father had made it up.

“There’s always been a ten minute rule,” Dad went on. “Why do you think the hunt always takes so long?”

“Because our children have become victims of modern civilization and we aren’t as fast as we used to be.”

“For your information, I’m as fast and as vicious as I ever was.” He bared his fangs and flashed my mother a
See this?
look. “My guard was down tonight because I didn’t expect you to break the rules. If I had known, I would have put my best foot forward a hell of a lot sooner, I’ll tell you that much. A hell of a lot sooner.”

“Certainly, dear.” My mom retreated into her usual appeasing self—when it came to my father, that is. I guess after six hundred years of commitment, it’s easier to just go with the flow sometimes. “It’s my fault. It won’t happen again.”

“I thought you were spectacular,” Mandy chimed in. “You won one for us girls.” She waved a hand in the air. “Way to go, Jackie!”