Dave Trellis and the Allotments of Doom (23 page)

‘Bloody show
offs,’ said Dave. ‘Come on we have about a mile to go.’

Dave
Trellis

One
Life, One Woman, One Shed

The cavern was
small and round with a smooth floor. In the centre hung a bell the
size of a church tower covered with arcane symbols, suspended from
the roof by a chain. Each link was longer than a man. The cavern
roof matched shape of the bell making it seem like the bell itself
was an immense clapper.

Dave and Fergus
stood silently gazing at the huge bell.

‘We finally
made it lad, with hours to spare. Look at that thing, how are we
going to ring that?’ said Dave.

‘Maybe that
podium with the large lever may be a good place to start.’

‘Can’t be doing
with moving levers in strange, underground places. Can start a lot
of trouble can that.’

‘Not to mention
the required sacrifice of a life.’

‘Aye well,
always sacrificing are your Druidic religions, a tradition as it
were. I choose to interpret it as more a symbolic sacrifice, like
giving up fags for Lent.’

‘There’s
writing on this bell,’ said Fergus, ‘See there, it’s just like that
sign over the tunnel earlier.’

Dave and Fergus
wandered around the bell. Inscribed was a single message in many,
many languages. It took quite a while before Dave spotted one he
could read.

‘Do not ring
this bell. The penalty is death.’

‘It seems
pretty unambiguous Dave, nothing symbolic about that.’

‘Aye well,
needs must and all that,’ said Dave and walked towards the
podium.

‘Hold on Dave.
We need to discuss this.’

‘What’s to
discuss? The allotments must be saved.’

‘I know Dave,
but without you the allotments will fail. I thought about this on
the trip down here and I think I should be the one to make the
sacrifice.’

‘No,’ said Dave
and pulled the lever.

Nothing
happened.

Dave looked at
Fergus, who shrugged his shoulders.

‘Wish you
hadn’t done that,’ said a voice with a thick Yorkshire accent.
Walking towards them was a man in a cagoule, hiking boots and a
rucksack on his back. ‘I was having a lovely walk in the
Lakes.’

Even Dave was
dumbfounded. ‘Ernie Farthing, what the bloody hell are you doing
here?’

‘You summoned
me.’

‘What?’

‘When you
pulled that lever, I was whisked away from my holiday in Lakes,
very reasonable rates if you stay mid-week, and deposited here to
see which idiot pulled the lever. There’ll be trouble you
know.’

‘I know,’ said
Dave, ‘but needs must. We have a situation at the allotments.’

‘When didn’t
you have a situation down allotments? Dave Trellis, always pulling
levers and getting in situations. A great one for endeavours an
all. Have you considered advantages of a relaxing holiday in
countryside?’

‘You can stick
your considerations. Any road I thought you were dead; your three
score years and ten were up a while ago.’

‘Look who’s
talking.’

‘Never mind
that now,’ said Dave, ‘just tell me what this is all about.’

‘If you
wouldn’t mind,’ said Fergus.

‘Ah, Mr Loaf,
glad to see it all worked out.’

Dave glared at
Fergus.

‘We met on my
way to the allotments; he gave me the curry pastilles.’

‘So that’s how
you did it,’ said Dave, ‘should’ve known you’d put your oar in
Farthing. Never could let things lie where allotments were
concerned.’

‘It’s my job to
see the allotments run properly,’ said Ernie.

‘No, that’s my
job.’

‘I keep an eye
on things from a different perspective, to see that the machine is
protected and to keep status quo which, I may say, you did
admirably.’

‘Shall we get
back to the point?’ asked Fergus.

‘Of course,’
said Ernie. ‘You pulled the lever, which summons me to Bell
chamber. If you’d pushed it, you’d have summoned Engineer.’

‘On right,’
said Dave and pushed the lever.

‘I wish you
hadn’t done that,’ said Ernie.

There was a low
humming noise and Fergus’s hair started to rise. The chamber had
that close, just before a thunderstorm feel.

‘We best get
out before it gets going,’ said Ernie, ‘not that it makes much
difference to me.’

Dave and Fergus
followed Ernie Farthing into the entrance tunnel. The air started
to throb and the hum was now an unpleasant rumble.

‘We need to get
further away. The sub-sonics are rather nasty,’ said Ernie.

Dave glanced
back; the Bell looked out of focus as it started to vibrate.

Ernie stopped
about forty feet yards from the chamber. It was quieter and the
throbbing stopped.

‘This is the
first anti-phase resonance node.’

‘About ten
Hertz then,’ said Fergus.

‘That’s about
right,’ said Ernie, ‘Fortunately the frequency is too low to affect
us much.’

‘Why did you
say it makes no difference to you?’ asked Dave.

‘When Engineer
wakes, I shall return. I’m merely a human vessel for an aspect of
Engineer’s mind, a monitoring system in human form, an organic
video recorder you might say.’

‘What? When it
wakes, you die?’ asked Dave.

‘Yes. My
consciousness will be absorbed. I will cease as my function
ends.’

‘And so the
sacrifice of a human life is made?’

‘Yes, but –
‘

Ernie crumpled
to the floor. The bell stopped vibrating, leaving a thick silence,
as if the world were under a duvet.

‘Is he dead?’
asked Fergus.

‘One can
hope.’

‘Shall I get
him in the recovery position?’

Dave felt a
slight tug on his head, the characteristic gravity bump that
accompanied the actions of the machine and the body
disappeared.

‘What do we do
now?’ asked Fergus.

‘I suggest we
wait. I assume you have no pressing engagements.’

The dog trotted
across the open ground in front of the allotments. It crossed back
and forth, checking the grid of steel hawsers and fixing posts. It
sat on its haunches and looked back towards the allotments. It
seemed content.

Enoch and a
group of Palaver strode across the bridge carrying shovels. When
they reached the dog, Enoch paused. The dog sniffed and turned its
head away.

‘Trenches
essential,’ said Enoch.

The dog yowled,
stood up and kicked grass at Enoch.

Enoch barked at
the dog and brandished his shovel. The dog looked on for a moment
then leaped, grabbed the shovel from Enoch and bashed it against
the ground, breaking the handle off near the blade.

Enoch barked
again at the dog and it barked back; the tone strained. Enoch
stomped towards the allotments, leaving the other palavers standing
around looking embarrassed. The dog barked at them too and they
walked after Enoch leaving the dog alone. It seemed satisfied.

Sitting in the
river Alf was a large baffle. It directed the waters around the
central sinkhole of Black weir, flooding the Willows and making the
swamp an impassable lake of soupy mud. All along the cliff face was
Tangle wire in spiral loops, its razor edges flexed and its coils
moved, as the robotic wire spread its self out to maximum
coverage.

Fergus searched
the bell chamber; he was hungry again.

‘Perhaps we
should have brought our packs with us,’ said Fergus, ‘as I reckon
we’re stuck here’.

‘Possibly,
though I doubt it. A bunch of druids couldn’t make it up that
cliff. There must another way,’ said Dave.

‘There are
many,’ said a deep, formal voice behind them.

Dave turned and
saw a pale man in a dark three-piece suit with a silver watch
chain. His hair was short, black and slicked back. He smiled
vaguely which made him look annoyed.

‘You are
Trellis,’ said the man, it was not a question. ‘I am Engineer.’ He
pointed at Fergus. ‘You are the sacrifice.’

‘Hold hard
there a minute. I pushed the lever. I should be the one to die,’
said Dave

‘You think your
opinion matters. How strange?’

Fergus
disappeared.

Dave launched
himself at Engineer, who waved a hand and an unseen force flung
Dave right across the bell chamber.

‘Don't.
Emotional gestures are irritating.’

Engineer waited
for Dave to pick himself up.

‘You woke me.
Your reasons?’

‘We are about
to be invaded – ‘

‘I am aware of
it. Your reasons for waking me?’

‘We hoped you’d
destroy the invaders.’

‘I transform
not destroy.’

‘Oh aye, what
about Fergus Loaf and Ernie Farthing?’

‘Farthing is
transformed, as you see before you. Your companion is not
destroyed, just placed where he is unlikely to return without
severe transformation. I am not cruel Trellis, you acted together,
you have joint responsibility.’

‘Have you
considered what these invaders might do to your precious
machine?’

‘The machine is
precious to everyone. I am more concerned about what you may do to
my precious machine. Nuclear weapons already? I will have to put up
the shutters. That is annoying.’

‘Sorry?’

‘They are heavy
and there are an awful lot of them.’

‘Oh. In any
case, are you going to wave you magic wand and get rid of these
unwanted visitors.’

‘I will
consider it. Come.’

Dave's world
went black.

Enoch stood on
the first terrace of the allotments looking down at the huge steel
net that covering the inner courtyard. It was loose and folded over
in places, allowing room for expansion. It was anchored to walls
and steel posts driven deep into the rock.

He considered
the arsenal of permitted arms and ammunition and planned where each
cache should be and where best to site the anti-tank weapons. The
preparations, excepting the lack of trenches, met with Enoch’s
approval.

If they lost
the allotments, they would fight back towards the head of the
valley, concentrating the enemy in a narrowing field of fire. At
each step they would command the higher ground and dictate the
battle. Caches of weapons and ammunition stashed along the valley
to supply the fighting retreat. If they lost, they would make their
last stand at the cliff base and request the artillery bombardment
arranged by Dave. Nothing would be left, the allotments destroyed
and the inhabitants dead or gone. But with the secret kept and if
Dave re-built it, they would come once more.

Enoch’s armour
beeped, warning him of an incoming threat. Enoch looked up. He
hadn’t planned on anything attacking from the air.

Fergus was
falling again. The deja view was lovely, but the ground was
approaching too fast. Fergus thought he would face death with
resignation, nonchalance even. Reality has a way of changing your
mind. As he plummeted towards the allotments, screaming in total
panic, he didn’t reflect on his good fortune, his success, and his
easy life. No. He tried to fly by flapping his jacket.

By the third
scream Fergus’s throat was sore, so he stopped. It cleared his mind
and he angled his body until he was falling directly towards the
river. Then he remembered that hitting the water at this speed
would kill him anyway, he just wouldn’t bounce. He closed his eyes,
the wind was hurting them anyway.

When the impact
came, Fergus was surprised the wind still roared and buffeted
him.

‘Lost again
little girl?’ yelled Enoch. ‘No belt, I fix.’

‘What?’
screamed Fergus. He was both relieved and confused.

Enoch undid his
gravity belt and locked it around Fergus’s waist. The belt almost
cut Fergus in half as it altered his speed to match its energy
balance.

Enoch shot away
heading downwards fast.

‘Bet swim like
a-’ the last lost as Enoch entered the river with an immense
splash.

A second later
Fergus hit the cold dark waters and his breath disappeared. He
flayed around, his clothing heavy and clinging. Kicking as hard as
he could, he swam for the surface. Suddenly his hand hit the hard
gravel of the riverbed.

Fergus was
frightened, he had no breath, and his lungs itched to breathe in.
He tumbled over and kicked off from the bottom. He swam with
panicked strength, pulling hard with his arms. Then he saw a glint
of sunlight on the surface. It was impossibly far away, thirty feet
above him. Fergus had no choice; he struggled upwards. It was too
far to reach. He pushed the last possible breath out of his lungs,
ignored the urgent sensation in his bladder, and swam up towards
the light.

Dave was sealed
inside a bubble with smooth walls.. There was no light apart from
the strange green and purple blobs his brain created to fill the
utter darkness. No sensations apart from the rustling of his Harris
Tweed that smelled like a lavatory attendant's mop.

Dave fell over
as the bubble lurched and suddenly it was no longer dark. A
thousand fairy lights, strung in long plait lit up. The lights
moved as one, swept past, and turned in a wide circle. Perspective
returned and Dave realised that the lights covered the size of a
tall block of flats. They slowed and Dave finally made out a dark
grey shape amongst the blackness. It moved closer and one immense
eye watched Dave in his bubble.

For one moment
Dave thought he too was a sacrifice, then he realised who he was
seeing; he bowed.

‘I demand that
you remove the invaders from the surface of our planet. It is your
machine that brought them here without our permission. In fact your
entire machine is here without our permission.’