Dave Barry's Money Secrets (22 page)

CONCLUSION: YOU
CAN
DO IT!

Maybe

I
N THE INTRODUCTION TO THIS BOOK, I promised that I would give you a set of proven, time-tested principles of money management. I believe that I have more than lived up to my end of the bargain, unless you count the part about giving you a set of proven, time-tested principles of money management.

But this book, as good as it is, can do only so much for you. At some point, you need to take matters into your own hands. You need to stop sitting on the sidelines, get into the game, pick up the ball, and run with it. Don’t listen to the critics and the naysayers, who will try to discourage you with remarks like: “You’ll never make it!” Or: “Put the ball down, you moron! We’re playing billiards!”

Ignore these people. Don’t give up! Remember that Bill Gates took nearly
six weeks
to make his first hundred million dollars. You must never doubt that you, like Bill, can achieve success. All you need to do is work hard, catch a few breaks, and know a bunch of information about computer software that is not included in this book.

I am not saying the road to financial success will always be smooth. You may stumble. You may fall. You may wind up in a hospital, where a psychopath posing as a nurse will inject you with a paralyzing drug and remove both of your eyeballs with a shrimp fork.

But you must not let these setbacks set you back. If, some day, you’re feeling down, wondering if you’re ever going to make it, remember the story of a young man by the name of Edison, who was trying to find a material that could be used as a filament in an electric lamp. He tried 2,000 different materials, and every one of them failed. Many people would have quit, but he did not. Late one night, he tried yet another material—the 2,001st—and you know what happened next: It also failed. So he bought a lottery ticket, and he won. (This was Thomas Edison’s cousin, Steve Edison.)

There is no reason, other than the laws of probability, why the same thing cannot happen to you. But as you strive for financial success, remember this: Money is not everything. Oh, you may think it is. You may think, “If I had money, I would be happy.” But remember: Money will not buy you true love. On the other hand, money will buy you a
lot
of high-quality fake love.

My point is that, given a choice between having money and not having money, you should definitely go with having it. And that, in the end, is why I wrote this book: to get your money.

No, seriously, I wrote this book to help you, and that is why I will end it with this promise, from me to you: If you follow the advice in this book, and you somehow fail to become wealthy, simply take this book back to the bookstore where you bought it, explain to the employees what happened, and ask for a full refund. You have my personal guarantee, right here in writing, that they will laugh until they blow snot into their lattes.

Until that time, I’d like to leave you with some words of wisdom. Unfortunately, at the moment, none come to mind. So instead I will leave you with this traditional Irish blessing:

May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields, and,
Until we meet again,
Moose. Indian.

*1.
I’ll think of some. Trust me!

*2.
Official cheer:
WE don’t! WE don’t WE don’t Meso ROUND!

*3.
Although not necessarily in
this
book.

*4.
After I wrote this, I found out that Alan Greenspan is retiring, so feel free to disregard this chapter. For that matter, feel free to disregard this book.

*5.
We recommend a debit card.

*6.
The correct spelling is “Asstek.”

*7.
Not really.

*8.
Another proven job-getter is the “Aristocrats” joke.

*9.
In the sense of “asshole.”

*10.
This is also a good policy if you are president of the United States.

*11.
Or maybe that’s just me.

*12.
Rim shot.

*13.
Up to $30.

*14.
Maximum of two.

*15.
9:33 a.m. Mountain Time.

*16.
I realize that this book has been pretty hard on lawyers. Be advised that the legal community will offer a thorough rebuttal in Chapter 27, titled “There Is No Chapter 27.”

*17.
Amazing but True Fact: At one time, Micronite filters were made out of asbestos.

*18.
Actual cheer: “Wanicko! Wanacko! Wanick Wanack Wano! Maroon! Maroon! Sharparoon!”

*19.
That’s right: Sometimes, in addition to the Cheez-Its, I eat the
actual box.

*20.
Now with Micronite filters!

*21.
I’m just kidding, of course. No WAY should you have sex with your spouse.

*22.
I refer here specifically to my wife.

*23.
Women have a weapon that is even more effective in arguments against men than crying: tampons. Really. If a woman, in any argument, on any topic, manages to work tampons in—as in, “I don’t even have enough money to buy tampons!”—she will win the argument. The man will agree to anything to make her stop talking about tampons. I probably should not reveal this, but men are terrified of tampons. The ultimate horror movie, for men, would be called The Night of the Tampon, and it would feature a man in a big spooky old house, where he is being stalked by a giant vengeful tampon.

*24.
He still is today!

*25.
In case you don’t know, here’s how to operate a computer: (1) Turn it on. (2) Wait for it to “boot up.” (3) Call “Technical Support.”

*26.
The actual classes are taught by graduate students making $9.50 an hour.

*27.
Have you noticed that I ask a lot of rhetorical questions? Don’t answer this.

*28.
“Squirrel Drool” would be a good name for a rock band.

*29.
A newspaper.

*30.
Bill Gates personally has seventeen million coffeemakers.

*31.
I made this number up. I have no idea what “compound interest” is, let alone how to allow for inflation.

*32.
Pardon my French.

*33.
Its name is Harold.

*34.
These are a different “Bob” and “John” from the “Bob” and “John” in the Introduction.

*35.
When he got to the bank, he was able to withdraw $15,000 in cash, even though he did not have an account.

*36.
Just so you know: Your spouse usually charges $50.

*37.
When I wrote this chapter, I told Gene what I was going to say about him and the Louisiana Purchase, and he agreed completely. He also said this: “Actually, the biggest idiocy was the purchase of Manhattan. We gave up WAY more trinkets than we had to.”

*38.
IRS regulations require blue or black ink for statements of this nature.

*39.
Always use a nonrounded number such as “one zillion dollars and 63 cents.”

*40.
She is, of course. But still.

*41.
All named Ashley.

*42.
Although some scholars believe that when the Bard wrote this particular line, he might not have been referring to branding.

*43.
I have no idea what this means, either.

*44.
Donald Trump actually appears to be asserting this about Thoreau.

*45.
A terrific entertainer.

*46.
No shit.

*47.
A legend.

*48.
This last one is a joke. But only barely.

*49.

Photo Credit 1

*50.
Kennedy, La Guardia, and Newark. Allow three hours to get to any of these airports, unless of course it is rush hour, in which case your best bet is to drive to the airport in Cleveland.

*51.
I could never be a flight attendant; I would last maybe two flights before I killed a passenger with my bare hands.

*52.
You don’t have a savings account, remember? You
meant
to open one, but you never got around to it because of all your other urgent financial priorities, such as his ’n’ hers Jet Skis.

*53.
This figure will drop to approximately zero later this week when SEC auditors announce that the corporate books reflect reality to about the same extent as
Horton Hears a Who.

*54.
See “savings account.”

*55.
At 27.5 percent interest, compounded hourly, this balance will be an even fifteen grand by noon.

*56.
This is a “fixed balance” type of mortgage, meaning no matter how many payments you make, you will still owe the bank $117,392.90 (see chapter titled “How to Get Rich in Real Estate”).

*57.
Answer: the front part.

*58.
In the form of scantily dressed pink iPods.

*59.
These were recorded and later released as the platinum-selling album
Odor of Love.

*60.
Even as you read these words, somewhere in a hall in Philadelphia there is a guy wearing a tie-dyed T-shirt, still waiting for The Who.

*61.
So to speak.

*62.
“Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog.”

*63.
If Keith Richards is, in fact, dead when you read this, please substitute Cher.

*64.
Really.

*65.
Cher will still be on her Farewell Tour.

Photography Credits

Grateful acknowledgment is made to the following for permission to reproduce the images herein:

(Elvis coin) www.coins4me.com; (Speedy) Funko LLC www.funko.com; Alan Freed/www.punxsutawneyphil.com; (meeting) www.AAAclipart.com; (Pontiac Aztek) Bruce Wheeler/Seventh Wave PhotoGraphics; (action figure) AP/Wide World Photos; (Elizabeth I) National Portrait Gallery, London; (Nash Metropolitan ad and photo) Copyright DaimlerChrysler Corporation. Used with permission; (Tom Cruise) AP/Wide World Photos; Lindsey Moore; (squirrel on right) David Gingrich (www.davidgingrich.com); (middle squirrel) Michael Weir © 2003; (dog) Michael N. Marcus, AbleComm, Inc.; (ice skaters) AP/Wide World Photos; (
Young Frankenstein
and
Star Wars
stills) AP/Wide World Photos; (agent) Corbis; (pudding) Lindsey Moore; (left and right) AP/Wide World Photos; (middle) Corbis; AP/Wide World Photos; (stilts) Arnold Ward;
American Gothic
by Grant Wood, Friends of the American Art Collection. All rights reserved by the Art Institute of Chicago and VAGA, New York, NY; (sealed toilet paper) D. Robert Wolcheck.

Images (medal), (brain), (clown), (coffee maker), (except Trump), (operation, machine, and dolls), (except UFO and movie stills), (house), (brain), and (except carry-on) © 2006 JupiterImages Corporation.

Images (tire), (UFO), (Troll), (carry-on), and (normal toilet paper) © 2006 stock.xchng.

Photos of Suze Orman, Donald Trump, and Prince Charles courtesy of AP/World Wide Photos.

Photo of world’s largest Cheeto courtesy of Bryce Wilson.

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