Dave Barry's Money Secrets (15 page)

IRS AGENT:
May I see this farm?

YOU:
Certainly. It’s right here in the backya . . . Oh my GOD! The gate is open! They
ESCAPED!

Of course there’s always the chance that, even if you cheat in a responsible manner, you’ll be called in for a tax audit. This is not the “end of the world.” Remember that, as a taxpayer, you have certain rights. For example, the auditor cannot use a cattle-prod setting greater than 5,000 volts.

So if you’re called in for an audit, the important thing is:
Don’t panic.
Gather up all your financial records, consult with your lawyer and your accountant, and then, on the appointed day, flee to Uzbekistan. If you get caught, remember:
You never heard of
this book.

18

GET RICH THE DONALD TRUMP WAY!

Whatever the Hell That Is

W
HEN YOU TALK ABOUT MONEY, sooner or later the name Donald Trump comes up. Here’s an individual who has it all—a huge fortune, a vast real estate empire, a hit “reality” TV show, and a bevy of vivacious, beautiful former wives. So if you’re interested in achieving wealth and success of your own, your obvious question is: What’s the deal with his hair?

Nobody really knows. One thing is certain: His hair color is not normally found on humans. Where it
is
found is on troll dolls, and on certain snack foods, as exemplified by the World’s Largest Cheeto (currently on display in a bar in Algona, Iowa).

From left: Donald Trump; troll doll; World’s Largest Cheeto

Photography Credits

There’s also some question about exactly where on Mr. Trump’s body his hair originates. It appears, from the unnatural way it swoops around, to be coming from somewhere below his neck, or possibly from an entirely different person. Mr. Trump is usually surrounded by staff people; there’s a theory that one of these people is actually employed as a comb-over donor, whose hair passes down through his pants leg, across to Mr. Trump’s pants leg, and then up the back of Mr. Trump’s body to Mr. Trump’s head.

But the point of this chapter is not that, despite being a well-known billionaire who presumably has access to mirrors, Mr. Trump goes around looking like a vaguely alien life-form. The point of this chapter is to answer the question: How did Mr. Trump get so rich, and can you do the same thing, while maintaining a normal appearance?

Well, you are in luck, because Mr. Trump has written a book of advice. It’s entitled:
My Name Is Not Important.

Ha ha! I am just kidding.
It goes without saying that Mr. Trump’s book, like everything else associated with Mr. Trump and Mr. Trump’s empire, prominently features Mr. Trump’s name (“Trump”). The official title of his book is:

TRUMP

How to Get Rich

Big Deals from the Star of
The Apprentice

The bad news is, this book is more than 240 pages long. The good news is, a lot of these pages are either blank or nearly blank, plus there are a lot of pictures, many of them of Donald Trump. Most of the book consists of very short chapters with titles like “Maintain Your Momentum,” often illustrated by anecdotes from Donald Trump’s own personal life. In one of the chapters, Mr. Trump deals directly and courageously with the issue of his hair.

I read the entire book, which took me almost one hour. If you don’t have that kind of time, but you would still like to get rich the Donald Trump way, you can simply read the bullet points below, which I believe summarize all of the key information contained in the book. If you don’t even have time to read that much, you can go directly to the parts about the hair, which are indicated by Cheetos
instead of bullet points.

K
EY
P
OINTS IN
D
ONALD
T
RUMP’S
B
OOK
H
OW TO
G
ET
R
ICH

•                  Money isn’t everything.

•                  But just for the record, Donald Trump is a major billionaire.

•                  You need to hire good people. Good people are better to hire than bad people.

•                  Stay focused! For a while in the late eighties, Donald Trump flew off to Europe to attend fashion shows, and he lost his focus. So if somebody says to you, “Hey, Bob, let’s bag the sales meeting and instead attend fashion shows in Europe,” just say no.

•                  Momentum is very important. Donald Trump personally knew the famous developer William Levitt, and he lost
his
momentum, and it sucked.

•                  You need a good assistant. Donald Trump had an assistant once who was a real babe, but her English was poor, so she didn’t recognize some of the famous people who called Donald Trump, including, quote, “the likes of Hugh Grant, Reggie Jackson, George Steinbrenner, Jack Welch, Paul Anka, Mohamed Al Fayed, Regis Philbin, or Tony Bennett.”

•                  That’s right: Donald Trump personally knows
Paul Anka.

•                  Work hard! Donald Trump works hard.

•                  Be blunt! Donald Trump is blunt.

•                  You need to hire good people. (Yes, Donald Trump already made this point earlier, but it is very important.)

•                  Some ideas are good, and some are not. Know the difference! Donald Trump does.

•                  As has been noted in earlier chapters, it’s important to have good people around you. Donald Trump has a lot of terrific people around him, including one named Matthew Calamari, which I believe is Italian for “squid,” although Mr. Trump does not state this in his book.

•                  Keep learning! Learning is good. Donald Trump and Aldous Huxley (a famous author) are two examples of big learners.

•                  Think big! Donald Trump thinks big.

•                  When you ask for a raise, do it at the right time, not at the wrong time.

•                  Play golf. It’s terrific! Donald Trump plays golf and also owns several golf courses named after him. They’re terrific courses.

•                  Don’t be afraid to toot your own horn. By tooting
his
own horn, Donald Trump has turned the name “Trump” into a famous brand name, like “Rolls-Royce.” As Donald Trump states in
TRUMP: How to Get Rich:

                           When I remember the line from Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet—“What’s in a name?”—I have to laugh. What’s in a name can be far more than either the Bard or I ever could have imagined.
*
 
⁴²

•                  When you’re a huge success like Donald Trump, critics will take shots at you. Donald Trump doesn’t care!

•                  Trust your gut instincts. Donald Trump does. This is based on the work of Carl Jung, a famous person Donald Trump is familiar with, like Shakespeare and Paul Anka.

•                  In 2000, Donald Trump considered running for president, and he had some terrific ideas, but then he decided not to, because he would have been a pathetic joke.

•                  No! Just kidding!
He decided not to because he is too darned blunt for politics.

•                  You shouldn’t shake hands. Hands have germs on them, and sometimes pee. Yuck! Donald Trump has given this a
lot
of thought.

•                  One time Anthony Robbins, the motivational guy with teeth the size of storm shutters, paid Donald Trump, quote, “a great deal of money” to give a speech in front of twenty thousand people. A lot of people would have been nervous. Not Donald Trump! The speech was terrific.

•                  Tony Robbins is a terrific guy. Donald Trump wholeheartedly endorses him.

•                  When you give a speech, you should be entertaining. Examples of great entertainers are Elvis Presley, Wayne Newton, Liberace, Frank Sinatra, and Regis Philbin. “Study Regis Philbin,” Donald Trump advises.

•                  You need a good attitude. Here’s a direct quote from Donald Trump about attitude: “What’s the altitude of your attitude? Is it a high frequency or low frequency? Having a high frequency will attune you to a wavelength that exudes confidence and clear-sighted enthusiasm.”*
 
⁴³

•                  Abraham Lincoln had a good attitude.

•                  You should read Carl Jung and have insights into yourself. Donald Trump does this.

•                  Donald Trump also reads Socrates and agrees with him.

•                  Make
sure
you have a prenuptial agreement. Donald Trump did, and boy was he glad.

•                  Thoreau would have had a prenuptial agreement.*
 
⁴⁴

•                  Take control of your finances! Wayne Newton*
 
⁴⁵
is a personal friend of Donald Trump’s. He was in a financial mess and asked Donald Trump what to do. Donald Trump told him: Take control of your finances! Wayne did, and it worked out. This lesson applies to everybody, not just famous celebrities.

•                  Donald Trump doesn’t like doctors. “I think that, generally, they are a bunch of money-grubbing dogs,” he states. He knows of a LOT of doctors who are bad. “I just can’t stand the bastards,” he notes.

•                  Be a good negotiator. Donald Trump is a terrific negotiator.

•                  Mario Cuomo is a shmuck. So is another man named Pete Dawkins.

                  Donald Trump
likes
his hairstyle. “Personally, I think it looks good,” he states.

                  It’s his natural hair, although he does color it.*
 
⁴⁶