Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) (15 page)

Elsewhere abroad, European Union leaders are stunned when the proposed EU constitution is overwhelmingly rejected by French voters, who apparently do not care for the Deodorant Clause. President Bush visits Russia for an important photo opportunity, after which he describes Russia as “a foreign country where they speak Russian,” an assertion that is immediately challenged by congressional Democrats.

The U.S. Senate reaches an agreement ending a stalemate over the confirmation of Bush-appointed judges, thus avoiding the so-called nuclear option, according to which Sen. Joe Biden would be allowed to ask a question, thereby shutting the federal government down for months.

Financially troubled Delta Air Lines, hoping to boost ticket sales, introduces a new “student discount” fare, which will apply to flights where the airplane is being flown by student pilots.

In media news, the editor of
Newsweek
magazine retracts a report that guards at the Guantánamo Bay prison flushed a Koran down a toilet in front of a Muslim detainee. “It turns out,” the editor states, “that it was actually the
detainee
who was flushed down the toilet. Boy, is our face red!”

But the biggest media shocker occurs when “Deep Throat,” the Watergate source whose identity has been a tantalizing secret for more than thirty years, is finally revealed—in a stunning and unforgettable development that sends shock waves of shock throughout the world—to be…Let me just check Google here…OK, it was some guy nobody ever heard of. But it was
totally
unexpected.

Speaking of unexpected, in…

JUNE

…a California jury acquits Michael Jackson on all charges of everything, including any crimes he may or may not commit in the future. “We simply felt that the prosecution did not prove its case,” states the jury foreman, Robert Blake. Jackson announces that he no longer feels welcome in the United States and will move to another dimension.

In disturbing medical news, a new study of one thousand Americans finds that obesity in the United States has gotten so bad that there actually were, upon closer scrutiny, only six hundred Americans involved in the study.

On the economic front, financially troubled Delta Air Lines, looking to reduce skyrocketing fuel costs, introduces a new “no frills” glider service, offering daily flights from Atlanta to “some location between one and fifteen miles from Atlanta.”

Meanwhile, the U.S. film industry, in the midst of the worst box office slump in twenty years, looks for possible explanations as to why Americans are not flocking to movie theaters. In a totally unrelated development,
The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl
opens nationwide, to be followed in coming months by
The Dukes of Hazzard
and
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
.

Israeli and Palestinian leaders reach an agreement under which Israel will withdraw its settlers from the Gaza Strip, arousing peace hopes in amnesia victims everywhere. In response to this historic development, Fox newsperson Greta Van Susteren heads for Aruba to report personally on the Natalee Holloway disappearance.

Hurricane season officially begins, with a spokesman for the National Hurricane Center warning that, quote, “This could be one of the most active sEEEEEEEEE…” His body is never found.

The U.S. Supreme Court, in a Solomonic ruling on a display of the Ten Commandments at the Texas Capitol, allows the display to remain, but orders the state to correct all 137 spelling errors. The Supreme Court remains in the news in…

JULY

…when Justice Sandra Day O'Connor announces her retirement, setting off a heated debate between right-wing groups who think the president should appoint a conservative to replace her and left-wing groups who think the president should drop dead. Eventually, Bush nominates a man going by the moniker of “John Roberts,” who, in the tradition of recent Supreme Court nominees, refuses to reveal anything about himself and wears a Zorro-style mask to protect his secret identity. In response, Democrats on the Senate Judiciary Committee, led by Sen. Joe Biden, vow to, quote, “get on television A LOT.”

But the juiciest story by far in Washington is the riveting scandal involving
New York Times
reporter Judith Miller, who is jailed for refusing to answer questions before a grand jury, called by special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, who is trying to find out whether the name of CIA agent Valerie Plame was leaked to columnist Robert Novak by an administration source such as presidential confidants Karl Rove or Ari Fleischer, or Lewis “Scooter” Libby, chief of staff to vice president Dick “Dick” Cheney, in an effort to discredit Plame's husband, former ambassador Joseph Wilson, in connection with the use of allegedly unreliable documents concerning…Hey! Wake up! This is important!

Anyway, this scandal totally rivets everybody in Washington, D.C., although it fails to gain traction in the continental United States, where the average citizen has enough trouble remembering his e-mail password and is not about to waste precious brain cells on Scooter.

The troubled U.S. manned-spaceflight program hits yet another snag when, moments before the “return to space” launch of space shuttle
Discovery,
a technician notices that the shuttle and its booster rockets are pointed at the ground, instead of space. The launch is delayed for several days while workers repaint the
THIS SIDE UP
arrows.

In weather news, the formation of Hurricane Dennis is followed closely by the formation of Hurricane Emily, arousing suspicions among some staffers at headquarters of the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) that hurricane season might be going on. It is agreed that somebody probably should look into this and write a report no later than Halloween.

Abroad, the news from London is grim as four terrorist bombs wreak deadly havoc on the city's transit systems, prompting Greta Van Susteren to do a series of urgent personal reports from Aruba on how these attacks could affect the investigation into the Natalee Holloway disappearance.

In sports, Lance Armstrong rides down the Champs-Elysées, raising his arms in a triumphant gesture, which causes the French army to surrender instantly.

No, sorry; that was a cheap shot. One unit held out for nearly an hour.

In book news, millions of youngsters snap up the latest in the Harry Potter series,
Harry Potter Must Be, Like, 32 Years Old by Now
. The book has a surprise plot twist that upsets some fans: Beloved Hogwarts headmaster Albus Dumbledore is killed by Severus Snape, who, moments later, is acquitted by a California jury.

Speaking of surprises that nobody could have predicted, in…

AUGUST

…Baltimore Orioles star Rafael Palmeiro, who vigorously denied steroid use when he testified before Congress in March, is forced to change his story when, in the seventh inning of a game against Cleveland, both of his forearms explode.

Meanwhile, in yet another blow to the troubled U.S. manned-spaceflight program, a
Discovery
crew member is forced to undertake a risky space walk when a technician notices a terrified NASA painter clinging to the shuttle fuselage. Then, because of bad weather,
Discovery
must divert from Cape Canaveral and land at Chicago's O'Hare Airport, where the crew is forced to wait for nearly two hours at baggage claim. NASA suspends the shuttle program, saying it will look into other options, including a possible joint venture with Delta Air Lines.

In other science news, South Korean scientists—I am not making this item up—clone a dog. This one is too easy.

In Washington, President Bush bypasses Congress with a recess appointment of his controversial nominee John Bolton to be U.S. ambassador to the United Nations. Bolton immediately signals a new tone in American diplomacy by punching out the ambassador from Yemen in a dispute involving the UN cafeteria salad bar.

In other foreign-policy news, the Rev. Pat Robertson states on his Christian Broadcasting Network show that the U.S. should assassinate Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez. Responding to harsh criticism, the Rev. Robertson retracts this statement several days later with the explanation, “Evidently, I am a raving lunatic.”

On the economic front, there is bad news and good news. The bad news is, gasoline prices are reaching $3 a gallon. The good news is, with the manufacturer's rebate, you can buy a new Hummer for $167.

But by far the biggest story in August is Hurricane Katrina, a massive, deadly storm that thrashes Florida, then heads into the Gulf of Mexico. For decades, experts have been warning that such a storm, if it were to hit New Orleans, would devastate the city; now it becomes clear that this is exactly what is about to happen. For days, meteorologists are on television warning, dozens of times per hour, that Katrina will, in fact, hit New Orleans with devastating results. Armed with this advance knowledge, government officials at the local, state, and federal levels are in a position to be totally, utterly shocked when Katrina—of all things—devastates New Orleans. For several days, chaos reigns, with most of the relief effort taking the form of Geraldo Rivera, who, by his own estimate, saves more than 170,000 people.

FEMA director Michael Brown, after conducting an aerial survey, reports that “the situation is improving,” only to be informed that the area he surveyed was actually Phoenix. For her part, Greta Van Susteren personally broadcasts many timely reports from Aruba on how the Katrina devastation will affect the ongoing Natalee Holloway investigation.

It is not until…

SEPTEMBER

…that the full magnitude of the New Orleans devastation sinks in and local, state, and federal officials manage to get their act together and begin the difficult, painstaking work of blaming each other for screwing up. Urged on by President Bush, Congress votes to spend what could wind up being more than $200 billion to repair the Gulf Coast and fix up New Orleans so that it will be just as good as new when the next devastating hurricane devastates it.

With the horror of Katrina fresh in everyone's mind, a new hurricane, Rita, draws a bead on the Gulf Coast, causing millions of panicky Texans to get into their cars and flee an average distance of 150 feet before they become stuck in a monster traffic jam, where some remain for more than twelve hours. “It was hell,” reports one traumatized victim. “The classic rock station played ‘Daydream Believer,' like, fifty-three freaking times.”

President Bush, after an aerial tour of the devastated region, tells reporters that he always kind of liked “Daydream Believer.”

In nonhurricane news, the Senate confirms the Supreme Court nominee known as “John Roberts” after the Judiciary Committee spends several fruitless days trying to trick him into expressing an opinion by asking trap questions such as “Can you tell us the capital of Vermont and your views on abortion?” The only moment of drama comes when Sen. Joe Biden launches into his opening remarks, thus causing several committee members, who forgot to insert earplugs, to lapse into comas.

In other political news, Republicans, already wounded by a series of ethical scandals, are dealt yet another blow when House majority leader Tom DeLay is indicted for robbing a convenience store. DeLay insists that this is a common practice in Congress; indignant Democrats respond that they can prove they were playing poker on the night in question. None of this is expected to seriously impact the Natalee Holloway investigation, according to Greta Van Susteren, reporting live from Aruba.

The month's biggest drama takes place at Los Angeles International Airport, where, as millions of people watch on live TV, a JetBlue airliner with the nose wheel turned sideways manages to land safely, after which it is immediately purchased by NASA.

In international news, North Korea, following months of negotiations with the U.S. and other concerned nations, agrees to stop producing nuclear weapons in exchange for one of those new iPods. The United Nations Security Council censures John Bolton for giving noogies to the ambassador from Sweden.

Speaking of appointees, in…

OCTOBER

…President Bush, needing to make another appointment to the Supreme Court, conducts a thorough and painstaking investigation of every single woman lawyer within an eight-foot radius of his desk. He concludes that the best person for the job is White House counsel Harriet Miers, who, in the tradition of such legendary justices as Felix Frankfurter, Louis Brandeis, and Oliver Wendell Holmes, is a carbon-based life-form.