Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) (9 page)

In other international news, a euphoric Argentina president Eduardo Duhalde announces that he has received an e-mail stating that Argentina can make a surefire $500 million via a foolproof plan. All Argentina has to do is send $10 million to the top name on the e-mail list, which is…Iraq.

On the domestic terrorism front, the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service, tightening up its procedures, quietly reverses its decision to grant a student visa to Osama bin Laden. This decisive action enables the Department of Homeland Insecurity to ratchet the nation's Color Code Security Status all the way down to Mauve (“Calm But Tense”).

Things are not so peaceful, however, in professional baseball, where a dispute between players and owners threatens to ruin the season and, with it, the social lives of thousands of fantasy baseball dweebs. At issue is what the players and owners can do to restore the goodwill and trust of pro baseball's increasingly alienated fans.

Ha-ha! No, really, the issue is how each side can snag the most possible money before the game goes completely into the toilet. The talks open on a tense note, as the owners' charges of steroid abuse are met with vehement denials by players' union representatives, who quickly reduce a large oak conference table to kindling.

In cultural news, Oprah Winfrey announces that she is discontinuing her book club because she has run out of good titles to recommend to her audience, as evidenced by her final selection,
Fifty Fun Celery Recipes.

Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes hip-hops off the big stage.

And speaking of the entertainment industry, in…

MAY

…the big news is the release of the fifth installment in the Star Wars series,
Star Wars II,
which continues to express creator/director George Lucas's artistic vision, summed up by the statement: “I don't understand Roman numerals.” The movie seems to be an effort by Lucas to connect with younger audiences, as evidenced by the exciting action scene in which Anakin Skywalker battles the evil Count Dooku in a deadly high-stakes game of Quidditch.

In other film news, al-Qaeda, apparently seeking to disprove reports that its leader is dead, releases its latest video,
The Osama bin Laden Fugitive Workout.
The Department of Homeland Insecurity decides to ratchet the nation's Color Code Security Status up a notch to Key Lime (“Partly Cloudy”).

In other War on Terrorism developments, the Federal Transportation Security Administration opposes a proposal to let airline pilots carry guns, the official reasoning being that, hey, what if terrorists got on the plane and in their struggle to kill the pilots so they could take control of the cockpit and fly the plane into a building and kill a lot more people a pilot fired his gun at them but missed? Somebody could get hurt!

On the international front, President Bush and Russian president Vladimir Putin sign an arms reduction treaty under which the U.S. will destroy about two-thirds of its nuclear arsenal and Russia will “make every effort, within reason,” to try to find out who, exactly, HAS its nuclear arsenal.

America observes Mother's Day in traditional fashion, with an estimated 125 million families taking their moms to dinner at an estimated three restaurants.

In economic news, Merrill Lynch agrees to pay a $100 million fine for luring naïve investors into buying stocks in risky Internet companies. The firm will raise this money by luring naïve investors into buying stocks in companies that have not yet tanked. The market responds by dropping 1,247 points.

In South Florida, efforts to create a new artificial reef out of the decommissioned navy ship
Spiegel Grove
go awry when the 510-foot vessel, instead of sinking as planned, is elected lieutenant governor. It's “back to the drawing board” for the state's beleaguered elections officials.

In entertainment news, the surprise hit TV “reality show” of the spring is
India and Pakistan Threaten to Start a Nuclear War.
But after a few weeks of waiting for something to happen, viewers become bored and go back to watching the perennial ratings favorite,
Amateur Video of Police Officers Beating Up a Motorist.

In sports action, the World Cup gets under way with defending champion France playing Senegal—a lowly underdog and former French colony—in an exciting match that ends in a stunning upset win by…Iraq.

Sam Snead finally reaches the 19th hole.

And speaking of icons, in…

JUNE

…Britain's Queen Elizabeth II celebrates the fiftieth year of her reign at a star-studded gala concert featuring performances by Paul McCartney, Phil Collins, Eric Clapton, and Ozzy Osbourne, who, in the dramatic highlight of the evening, bites the head off one of the Queen's Welsh corgis.

But the mood is not so jubilant in the Middle East, where, following a series of Palestinian attacks, Israeli tanks again surround the headquarters of Yasser Arafat and slowly press against it until it is the size of a twin bed. The crafty Arafat escapes again by claiming he has a dental appointment.

Speaking of close calls: On June 14, a giant asteroid, discovered only three days earlier, passes within seventy-five thousand miles of the Earth. Congress immediately holds hearings, with the Democrats charging that the Bush administration should have known about it sooner and the Republicans noting that the asteroid had been heading this way during all eight years of the Clinton administration. The CIA acknowledges, under questioning, that at one point it was tracking the asteroid but lost the file. In the end, all parties agree that airport security needs to be tightened.

In another alarming story, wildfires rage out of control in Colorado and several other western states, burning thousands of acres and destroying dozens of homes. Investigators searching an area where one of the largest blazes originated find a Zippo lighter bearing a thumbprint belonging to…Iraq.

The nation's Color Code Security Status is quickly raised to Maroon (“Dark Brownish Red”).

On Wall Street, the bad news continues. First, WorldCom announces that it has improperly accounted for $3.9 billion and has “at least six” movies seriously overdue for return to Blockbuster. Next, Xerox, under pressure from investigators, admits that its second-quarter profits were actually a copy of its first-quarter profits. Next, Martha Stewart is linked to a string of bank robberies. The stock market drops 11,600 points.

Ann Landers dies but continues to dispense commonsense advice.

In legal news, a Dayton, Ohio, jury, in a unanimous verdict, orders five cigarette companies to pay $128 billion to a sixty-seven-year-old man, despite the fact that the man (1) is not a smoker, (2) has not sued anybody, and (3) is in fact on trial for littering. The Association of Trial Lawyers of America hails this as “a major victory for our Porsche dealership.” In California, a federal appeals court rules that schools cannot compel American schoolchildren to say the Pledge of Allegiance, on the grounds that “allegiance” has too many syllables.

And speaking of legal trouble, in…

JULY

…two pilots scheduled to fly an America West plane from Miami to Phoenix are ordered from the cockpit at Miami International Airport and found to be drunk. The pilots aroused suspicions when they made a preflight announcement asking if any passenger “happens to have a corkscrew.”

In international news, the United Nations Security Council, finally taking action against a scourge that has plagued humanity for decades, unanimously passes a resolution authorizing member nations to “feel free to shoot down the next bored billionaire who tries to fly around the world in a balloon.”

In financial news, Congress, addressing the corporate accounting scandals, approves the death penalty for anybody convicted of exercising a stock option. As the market plunges 128,500 points, Federal Reserve Board chairman Alan Greenspan, in a move that fails to bolster investor confidence, announces that from now on he wants to be paid in gold.

In sports, baseball immortal Ted Williams dies. His son says the body will be frozen so it can be revived in the future. A court approves this plan, on the condition that the son be frozen at the same time so he can be revived in the future to explain everything to his dad. We wish.

In other science news, archaeologists announce that they have discovered a skull that is believed to be more than six million years old. Tests show that the skull does, indeed, belong to Sen. Strom Thurmond.

In political news, the U.S. House of Representatives votes to expel Rep. James Traficant (D
-Sopranos
) after a House Ethics Committee investigation shows that the thing on his head is a diseased weasel that has eaten nearly 80 percent of his brain. The vote to expel him is 420 to 1, with the lone dissenting vote coming from…Iraq.

Speaking of victims, Michael Jackson tells a New York rally that—we are not making this up—he has been oppressed by his record label. Concerned fans from around the world send donations of money, food, sequins, and facial implants.

But a month of bad news ends on an upbeat note when rescuers break through to a collapsed Pennsylvania mine shaft and free nine miners who have been trapped 240 feet underground for more than three days. Also rescued are 157 lawyers who have burrowed down there to offer their services in the filing of lawsuits.

Speaking of money, in…

AUGUST

…financially strapped Brazil, in a cash-raising move considered by some experts in international law to be of questionable legality, announces that it has sold Uruguay to Paraguay for $200 million.

On the domestic front, the economic news continues to be bad, with these alarming developments:

• The Council of Business Economists releases a study concluding that the U.S. economy will continue to worsen “as long as AT&T keeps running those commercials with Carrot Top.”
  
• Airline industry losses continue to mount, forcing America West, in a cost-cutting measure, to eliminate the cockpit minibar.
  
• WorldCom executives admit to investigators that, in a clear deviation from accepted business accounting standards and practices, they heated their headquarters by burning money.
  
• As the stock market plunges 1.2 million points, President Bush makes a speech urging Americans to “have faith in our economy,” adding: “Thank God that I, personally, am guaranteed a generous pension.”
  

On a brighter note, the owners and players of Major League Baseball agree, in a heartwarming display of cooperation and concern for the National Pastime, to continue raking in money. Commissioner Bud Selig announces that, in an effort to win back the trust of disillusioned fans, “We're going to fix it so Anaheim wins the Series.”

Lionel Hampton is gone, but his vibes ring on.

On the history front, divers seeking to recover the gun turret of the USS
Monitor
on the ocean floor off the coast of North Carolina discover surprising evidence that the Civil War gunship was sunk by…Iraq. The nation's Color Code Security Status is raised to Peach (“Viewer Discretion Advised”).

And speaking of fugitives: Martha Stewart, pursued by the Securities and Exchange Commission, flees to a remote area of Westport, Conn., and barricades herself inside a primitive cabin with only nine bathrooms. SEC agents surround the structure but are reluctant to attack, as Stewart is known to possess a set of very sharp paring knives and a military-grade glue gun. “She can't hold out forever,” states one agent. “We believe she has only a three-day supply of fennel.”

But things get even scarier in…

SEPTEMBER

…when Florida, having learned nothing from history, attempts to hold another election. Everything goes smoothly, with virtually no problems reported—until the polls open. Then there is chaos, especially in Broward and Miami-Dade Counties, which are using new computerized voting machines. Election officials begin to suspect that the system might have been programmed incorrectly when, instead of reporting the vote totals, the machines connect to the Internet and send out 126 million e-mails offering discount Viagra.

In other Florida news, police shut down I-75 for hours and arrest three men of Middle Eastern descent after a woman reports that she overheard them in a Shoney's Restaurant talking about what she believed to be a terrorist plot. It turns out to be a misunderstanding: The men are medical students. Responding quickly, the Department of Homeland Insecurity orders all 350 Shoney's to install metal detectors.