Darkness Before Dawn (23 page)

I take a deep shuttering breath, feeling sobs bubbling deep within my core before I release it. I repeat this a couple times, hoping not to start crying, not now. But thinking something happened to Blake, again. Not being here for her when she needed me most, again. And her wanting to leave me, again. I'm not built for this. I'm not built to deal with abandonment, even if that is what life tried to mold me for, I can't deal with it. Most of all, I can't deal with her abandoning me, and that's what it feels like she wants to do. I don't tear my eyes away from her and when the storm in her eyes begins to dissipate, I allow the current in my body to draw me closer to her.

I clasp the nape of her neck and pull her to my chest before lowering my face to the top of her head. I close my eyes and breathe her in, feeling her tremble beneath me as she cries silently. I hold her tighter and feel my own eyes pool with tears. My breath finally comes back to me when she wraps her arms around my waist. For what seems like the millionth time in my life, I marvel about how vulnerable she makes me feel and how many times I've opened myself up to her, only to end up in heartbreak. I cup her face with both my hands to search her face and make sure we're okay. She gives me a small smile, that smile that never fails to bring me to my knees, and I can't help but smile back.

"You know that I belong to you, right?" I ask as I stroke her wet face with my thumbs.

A single tear runs down her face, which I kiss away.

"I'm sorry," she whispers. "I shouldn't have believed her. I should've known better."

I squeeze her cheeks in my hands and dip my head so that we're at eye level. "I need you to listen to me, Blake. I need to make sure you understand this. When you were gone, you were all I thought about. The only thing that kept me going was knowing you were coming back to me. I was physically sick with worry, and on the two occasions that I tried to associate with others, I failed miserably. My soul belongs to you, Blake. I go where you go. I can't live without you—I don't want to live without you. If you die tomorrow, I die with you. I don't know how many times or how many ways I'm going to have to say that to you for it to stick, but if I have to say it every single day for the rest of my life, I will."

Her eyes glisten and more tears fall freely, but the grip on my heart loosens, knowing that these aren't tears of sadness. I lower my head and kiss her eyes before trailing down her face, consuming her salty tears and leaving loving kisses in their wake. When I reach her soft pouty lips, I lick the bottom one slowly before sucking it into my mouth and letting out a low moan at the feel and taste of it. My hands trail down over the swells of her breasts and continue to the hem of her shirt before I slowly inch it up and place my hands on her tiny waist. She leans into my touch, giving me permission to continue, and I inch my fingers slowly to her breasts, tucking them under her bra and kneading at them gently. She sighs against my mouth and our tongues dance against one another before I pull her shirt over her head and bury my face in her neck, sucking it gently as I unsnap her bra.

When I draw my head back from her, she clutches my dress shirt and pulls me toward her, giving me a sensual kiss as she begins to slowly undress me. She lets my dress shirt fall below us and pulls my undershirt over my head, tossing it to the side before turning her attention to my belt. The tips of her hand tuck into my boxers and she pulls everything down to my feet, assisting me in stepping out of them. While I shake off one of my pant legs, she unexpectedly squeezes me, making me hiss out a breath and my heart speed up. My dick twitches in her hold when she lowers herself to her knees, looking up at me through hooded eyes. When I feel her tongue circle the tip of it, I put my hands on her head and throw my head back with a moan. I begin to draw slow circles on her scalp as she takes me in deeper. Her whimper resonates through my body and causes me to clutch on to her hair.

"Blake," I breathe. "You need to...oh...fuuuuck. You. Shit." I can't form words to let her know that I'm going to come in her mouth if she doesn't stop soon. Instead, I channel every ounce of power in my body to push her shoulders back slightly. She pouts when my dick falls away from her mouth and looks up at me, licking those luscious lips of hers. The way she licks and bites her bottom lip always drives me to the edge. I pick her up quickly, making her squeal and laugh in surprise before I toss her on our bed. I undo her jeans and throw them to the floor along with her panties, leaving her completely naked, just like I like her to be. I trace her leg upward with the back of my hand, as she watches with lustful eyes, her breath coming in pants. I love the way my touch affects her. Hell, I love how the way I look at her affects her. I duck my head and begin to trace wet kisses up her toned legs in the same place I just touched her, until I reach her sweet spot. I take my time here, the way I always do with her. I nip and suck the inside of her thighs, right beside her throbbing middle as she writhes her hips in an unspoken plead.

"Cole," she pants. "Please, do it."

"Do what, baby?" I murmur right before I swipe my tongue once up her slick folds making her gasp loudly. I smile against her and go back to sucking the insides of her thighs, knowing it'll drive her crazy.

"Cole!" she reprimands breathily.

"Hmmm?"

"Please!" she screeches as she moves her hips side to side, trying to get me to cave, but instead I rub my nose against her. Finally she grips the short hair on my head and unsuccessfully tries to keep my face in one spot.

"Tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it," I say huskily against her before sucking her clit into my mouth once and making her bow off the bed groaning. I let go and place a soft kiss on her inner thigh.

"Kiss me, please, please, just do it!" she whimpers.

"I am kissing you, baby," I reply softly as I slide my hands up from her hips and begin to tease her nipples with my thumb and forefinger.

"Oh my God, Cole," she pants as she raises her hips again. "Please lick me," she begs. Damn, that shit turns me on.

My heart pounds against my chest, and I growl against her before devouring her and making her fall apart against my tongue. As she comes down from her orgasm, I hover above her, watching her in awe. She's always beautiful, but never more beautiful than when she lets go, all of her normally worried features relaxing and her gray eyes bright and sated. I would give my left nut to keep that carefree look on her face all day. Before she can completely come down from it, I delve deep into her, making her scream out another one.

I hold my body still for a beat and grind my hips slowly into her. She lifts her hips to urge my thrusts, but I don't pick up the pace, I'm taking my time. I bring my right hand in between us and pinch her clit. "Whose is this, Blake?" I ask through gritted teeth, making her gasp when I pull out completely and slam into her again.

"Yours. Oh GOD. YOURS!" she screams.

"Fuck yes," I hiss as I lower myself to kiss her and plunge my tongue into her mouth while quickening my thrusts. She lets out a strangled moan against my mouth before tilting her head back on the bed, giving me access to her throat, which I fully take advantage of.

"Oh fuck. Cole. Right there. Yes," she cries and I shut my eyes, throwing my head back as I slam into her while I pick her up and sit on the bed so that she's straddling me.

She wiggles against me, but I don't let her take control. I hold her hips and slam her onto me, deeper. Faster. Harder. And then I slow our tempo again, reveling in her cries of pleasure. I lean forward and suck her nipples, smiling against them when she begs me not to stop. I bite lightly on one of them and loosen my grip on her so that she can take over, which she does quickly. As she moves her body up and down and side to side trying to get me as deep inside her as she can, I begin to circle my thumb on her clit and feel her clench around me. We're both covered in our sweat and on the brink of ecstasy when I pull out making her yell obscenities at me. I flip her back over on the mattress and push myself between her legs slowly. We both moan loudly at the feel of her wrapping around me again. She squeezes my body to hers with her legs around me and I know I'm not going to last any longer.

"Look at me, baby," I say hoarsely, and the second she does, we fall together. Crying out each other's names.

Moments later, my eyes pop open when I feel Cole's hands drawing slight circles down my back. I move my face against his hard naked chest, inhaling his intoxicating scent before placing a soft kiss on his pec. He takes a deep breath, causing my head to rise and fall with him.

"I'm sorry I called him," I say, nuzzling against him. His body tenses, as he holds on to me tighter.

"Why would you do that? I don't understand how you, of all people, would want to stay in touch with him, let alone see him," he asks quietly.

"I needed answers, Cole," I respond in a whisper.

He pushes back and cups my chin, tilting it up to look in his hard, serious eyes. "Did you get them?"

The callousness in his voice makes me gulp down nervously, the aftertaste of whiskey, tequila, and Cole swirls down my throat heavily.

He raises an eyebrow, waiting for an answer that I'm not ready to give him. I tear my eyes away from his probing gaze as I try to collect my thoughts.

"I got some, yes," I reply vaguely when I look at him again.

I watch as his jaw twitches and mentally curse myself for not giving him the straightforward answer he expects from me. How do I tell him though? It hurt me enough to hear the words come out of Dean's mouth, but for me to repeat them, to say them to Cole, that would kill me. Without another word he moves from under me and walks to the bathroom, leaving me staring blankly behind him. Water pools my eyes as they roam his scratched naked back. The sight of that usually makes me smile because I know how much he likes it. Instead, a painful feeling consumes my chest because I feel like that's exactly what I'm doing—clawing at his vulnerability. My chest starts to ache when thoughts of my actions, my words—everything begins to hit me. As I replay my day and remember the worried look Cole had on his face when he found me at the bar, I begin to sob uncontrollably. Oh my God. I place one hand over my heart and the other covering my mouth to try to keep quiet.

I wipe my face quickly and take deep shaky breaths to calm down when I hear the bathroom door open. As he walks over to me, Cole looks at me and shakes his head, defeated, before sitting beside me on the bed.

"Come here," he rasps. When I gain enough courage to look at his face, we stare at each other for a moment, channeling the weight of our sadness onto each other. I scoot over until my thighs hit his and look down at my folded hands. He grabs a fistful of my hair and pulls my head onto his chest, and that's when I can't hold it in anymore and begin to cry.

"I'm so sorry. I'm a horrible friend and a horrible girlfriend," I say in between gasping sobs.

"Shhh, you're not," he responds.

"I am," I cry before wiping my face clean again. "I am," I repeat in a whisper.

He pulls me onto his lap before grabbing both sides of my face. "You are not. Stop saying that. You are an amazing person, you are an incredible girlfriend, and you're my best friend. I just can't handle you shutting me out like that. My entire life I've watched you shut people out, especially boyfriends, and I can't accept that you would do that to me. You never shut me out."

I blink back new tears before he wipes my cheeks with the pads of his thumbs.

"I can't tell you," I say brokenly. "You shouldn't have to bear the weight of everything involving my fucked up past."