Darkfall (5 page)

Penny shuddered and rubbed her arms. “You can’t deny it was a weird thing to do. I was grieving my mother and yet I…”

She couldn’t even say it.

“Like I said, don’t beat yourself up.” His deep voice softened, and his accent thickened. “You were looking for comfort.”

She kept her attention pinned to the concrete floor as another shiver wracked her body. She swallowed a huge lump. “Thank you for the flowers you sent after she died.”

“You’re welcome,” he said softly.

When she looked up this time, Ian’s expression had filled with compassion. It made a new yearning start inside her. One for connection and understanding. Yet she couldn’t think of a damn thing to say. Her mind was scrambled eggs.

“When your father called me and wanted to hire me again, I almost didn’t say yes. I have my pride, too. He told me he had a lot of regrets in life, and one of them was firing me,” Ian said. “The other was in not telling you how much you mean to him.”

Fascination and curiosity mixed with disbelief. “He did
not
say that.”

He nodded. “He did.”

She rubbed the back of her neck, which felt tight as piano wire. “Why isn’t he telling me that? Why can’t he ever just say what he means?”

“He does. Just not with mushy emotions.”

She rolled her eyes. “Oh, mushy emotions. Like love and caring?”

He smiled again, but it was fleeting. “You know us men. Can’t be caught expressing girly feelings. Unless we’re in touch with our feminine side. I’ve been too busy most of my life learning how to blow shit up to be girly about a damned thing.”

Penny knew that was true. As a demolitions and bomb disposal expert, he’d spent years hanging by a thread over a precipice when it came to danger and taking risk to a new level. “Yeah, right.”

“He has pride, I guess. He’s stubborn as hell. Just like you are.”

Anger started to rise in her. “Okay, I’ll own up to that. I’m my father’s daughter. But why didn’t he ride to my rescue today? And more than that, why did you volunteer? Are you still feeling guilty about almost sleeping with me?”

His Adam’s apple bobbed. “Bloody right.”

“Because it was unprofessional?”

“It wasn’t ethical or professional.”

She didn’t let him off the hook. “Did you come here to apologize for it because you think you took advantage of poor, vulnerable me?”

His gaze hardened, and she understood in that moment that she’d issued a challenge she might regret.

Ian felt heat rising within, a new burn that boiled up from his mind and body. He’d kept the truth inside too long. “It’s more than that.”

Penny’s gaze snapped to him and their eyes met. “How?”

“Look, the disaster with the volcano forced me to think about a lot of shit.” He didn’t apologize for his cursing. He wasn’t as foul-mouthed as he used to be. “I was a coward.”

She blinked, and the soft expression in her eyes tied him in knots. She had
always
screwed with his equilibrium, since the very first day he’d met her at Sentry Security. He was swamped by the memory of how her curvy body had felt against him today when he’d succumbed to a gut-wrenching desire to hold her close. Fuck, but she was deliciously round in all the right places. She’d always dressed practically for the occasion, and today seemed no exception. She wore a long-sleeved white shirt with the sleeves unbuttoned and rolled to her elbows, black jeans, and black ankle boots. Her clothes didn’t hide her slim form, but they didn’t emphasize it either. He’d seen her in business suits, and once in a dress that had hugged her breasts and hips, and he’d about swallowed his tongue when she’d worn that.

Her heart-shaped face with a small nose and a smattering of freckles always made her appear younger than her age. Wavy, cocoa brown hair lay around her shoulders. Her beautiful dark brown eyes held a challenge he couldn’t resist.

She broke the quiet with, “You’re not a coward.”

“You’ve got no proof of that.”

She snorted softly. “You were special ops in the SAS. You don’t find men in that line of work who are cowards.”

He wouldn’t let himself off the hook. He drew in a slow breath. “Not the same thing.”

She rolled her gaze to the ceiling a moment. “Okay…okay let’s say you
are
a coward.”

Damn. It hurt more coming from her mouth, but he deserved it. “Yeah. That’s me.”

“Why would you be a coward about this when you can dismantle a bomb without breaking a sweat? I know a little about what explosive ordinance disposal operators do. It’s not as easy as wiping the floor with a mop. It takes some
cojones
.”

He rolled his shoulders to relieve the tension. “Oh, I break a sweat when I’m doing something like that. Get too complacent with a bomb and you get dead.”

“How is that
easier
than personal relationships?”

Christ.
He didn’t know where to start and how to finish. When he couldn’t think of a damned thing to say, she helped him.

“Maybe you should have told my father to screw off when he blamed the supply closet incident on you,” she said. “He practically accused you of raping me.”

His gut clenched, and a sharp shame rocketed through him. “I almost accused myself of that.”

“What?” This time the question screwed up her smooth face and made her eyes blaze. She made a dismissive hand wave. “That’s ridiculous. You would never hurt me.”

Damn straight.
Words tumbled from him. “I’d lay down my life for you.”

The raw emotion in his voice surprised even him. Her expression held almost a kind of awe, as if she was stunned. Were those tears in her eyes?

While he could have stayed across the room and kept distance between them, he drew in a slow breath and returned to the bench. “Even though you grabbed me, I don’t have the
right
to expect you’ll go through with it. No man has the right to force a woman.”

“Did you believe you had the right?” Her question was soft.

“
Hell no
. I just…lost control.” He swallowed hard, his voice going hoarse. “I wanted you so damned badly. I was hungry for you.”

When he glanced over at her, Penny looked like he’d hit her with a two-by-four. Well, if she wanted honesty she’d get it. That’s how he’d felt when they’d tangled in the supply closet. Hungry as a shark ready to take down a meal. Around her he couldn’t control his crazy libidinous needs.

“And I wanted you,” she said. “I think we’re even. Maybe it was me taking advantage. You resisted going into the closet at first, and when you protested, I just grabbed your head and pulled you down for another kiss.”

“I remember.”
Hell, yeah.
He’d never forget that as long as he lived, no matter where life took him.

She tucked her hair behind her ears and it fell forward again. He wanted to stuff his fingers into all that gloriously thick hair and drown in it. She always appeared oblivious to her own appeal. Didn’t she know how damned gorgeous she was?

How could he forget those soft lips and how they’d mashed against his with the first kiss? He hadn’t expected her to do that, but his body had reacted just holding her. Her kiss had been awkward but filled with such searing need that all his pent-up yearning for her had exploded. He’d immediately kissed her back, thrusting his tongue inside her mouth because he couldn’t wait to sample her taste.

When his attention snagged on the soft fullness of her lips in the here and now, his groin stirred and went hard. “You’re beautiful.”

Once more she looked puzzled and her gaze dipped to the floor. “You’re full of it, Scotsman. I’m ordinary. Not bad to look at, but nothing exceptional.”

Real anger took hold of him, and he turned toward her. “That’s a bag of wank. All I have to do is look at you and…” He snagged his words and practically choked on them.

Shut it, idiot. Now isn’t the time to get randy with her. Maybe never. Rein it in, bastard.

“Your father was right about me that day,” he said instead. “If I couldn’t control my actions around you, he couldn’t trust me. He was right to fire me.”

Yeah. Keep telling yourself that.
It didn’t matter. He leaned back against the wall, his legs sprawled out and his arms crossed over his chest.

“So you’re impervious to my enormous charms?” she asked.

He dared look at her and caught her lopsided smile. Her eyes filled with amusement.

“Of course not. But I don’t have to do anything about it.”

Part of him wanted to confess everything. He wrestled with the danger in that. Maybe when they got out of here he’d leave Sentry for good. A hell of a lot less likely he’d run into Penny.

The Long Valley situation had made him crazy in ways he’d never expected. When Penny had called her father and said she might be in danger, Ian almost volunteered immediately to head to Bangor. Then the General had insisted that Adam Becker go, and it had choked Ian’s response for a few moments. Military discipline from years in the Special Air Service had trained Ian to take orders. But this was different. Penny was more important than military bearing or military orders. And he wasn’t in the SAS anymore. He’d volunteered and eventually the General had agreed. Relief had flooded Ian. Best thing was to keep their relationship strictly professional this time and when he’d escorted her into her father’s hands, he’d find another job.

If he had to be around her a lot without touching her, he’d lose his ever-lovin’ mind.

“We were attracted to each other before that day you showed up at Sentry. Emotions ran high,” she said.

“Heat of the moment,” he said.

“I thought what we had meant more.”

He grunted. “Pent-up lust.”

Right, bastard. Convince yourself that’s all it was.

Her eyes widened, her soft, pink lips parting. She almost looked hurt. Good. Maybe if she was disappointed in him, she’d accept her father’s protection.

Ian went on. “I had this vision in my head where maybe we’d have a casual relationship. And yet all the time I knew it wasn’t possible. Because of who your father was. There’s no way to pretty it up. But I wouldn’t have responded to
any
woman that way. I wanted you and you only.”

There. He’d given her all the clues she needed to understand. She looked shell-shocked, and he didn’t know if that meant he’d surprised her or he hadn’t.

When he’d spilled his guts about his sister, he’d still held a lot back. Guilt and pain over his sister’s life and death still roiled in his stomach. When Penny had revealed what that Frank bastard had done to her—damn it he’d do anything if he could time travel and remove that experience from her life. If he could protect her from it. But no. That wouldn’t happen and all he could do is keep her safe now.

Keep her safe forever.

To do that he needed to get more weapons and check out his SUV to make sure it was still in one piece. If there were any other feelings to reveal, they should do it later.

Before he could stand, she asked, “Tell me more about the war. More about your time in the SAS.”

Oh, hell.
The stubborn set to her jaw told him she wouldn’t take no for an answer. He looked at the monitor above the door again. Nothing. They shouldn’t be wasting time, but he never could deny her. He glanced at the video and couldn’t hear the voices anymore.
Time to count down and get out of here.
He set his internal clock to five minutes.

“You don’t want to hear about that,” he said about the war and the SAS.

“Yes, I do.”

He leaned forward and rested his forearms on his thighs. He clasped his hands together and stared at the floor. He sighed. “What do you want to know?”

“Anything.”

He glared at her. “That’s too open ended. What do you want to know?”

“Did you…are you all right? Did the war…do anything to you?”

He snorted softly and returned to staring at the floor. “Do you mean am I all fucked up? Do I have bad dreams and all the other typical bullshit?”

“Yes.”

“No. That’s the bloody weird thing about it, I suppose. I don’t have nightmares, and even when I think of bad things I’ve seen in the war, I don’t dwell on it. I adjusted damn well to what I did and what I saw.” He shrugged. “Maybe it means I’m an asshole. Maybe it means I don’t have any feelings. It’s better you know that before you get any ideas about me.”

He glanced over at her, and she lifted one eyebrow. “Right. Are you trying to convince me or yourself?”

He frowned. “About what?”

“That you’re an unfeeling bastard. If that was the case you wouldn’t have cared what happened to me. You wouldn’t have volunteered to help me because you wouldn’t have given a damn.” He heard her draw in a deep breath. “All right then. Tell me some of what you saw and did. I want to understand.”

“Because I’m a captive audience?”

She smiled slightly. “Yes. Now get with it.”

“Jesus, you’re bossy.”

Her smile grew wider. “So I’ve been told. Now spill it.”

Ian closed his eyes and licked his lips. “Sometimes when I close my eyes I can almost hear and feel the mountains in Afghanistan. It’s cold, desolate, and yet beautiful in its own way. It’s a hell on earth when you’re fighting a war. But I imagine to its people it can be a type of paradise. When you’re in a war, it’s easy to forget not everyone who lives there is your enemy. But you’ve got to keep perspective and your humanity.”

“What did I say about feelings?”

“Okay, right. I get it. I’ve got feelings.” He tried his signature glare again, but he didn’t think it worked anymore…at least not on her. He obviously couldn’t discourage her from this line of questioning.

“You’re not a machine.”

His frustration went up a notch. “No, I’m not a machine, but when you’re out there with only your team…the only feeling you can really have is the survival instinct. Whatever that takes. However long it takes.”

“At all costs. You’re not saying you and the…the men you work with have no moral compass. I know that’s not true.”

He shook his head. “No. I’m not saying that. We’d better have a moral compass. It’s the ones that slip through the cracks, who…”