Darkest Longings (72 page)

sickening lurch. It was Hans, Blomberg’s chauffeur, and the

woman he had been making love to was Monique.

It was almost four o’clock by the time Monique let herself in

through the bridge door. Claudine was waiting for her.

Without uttering a word, she grabbed Monique by the arm

and hauled her into her bedroom.

‘What the hell’s going on?’ Monique cried, snatching her

arm away and glaring at Claudine defiantly.

Claudine slammed the door. ‘I’d like you to tell me that!’

she said, trying to keep her voice down. ‘I saw you,

Monique. I saw you with my own eyes, so don’t bother to

deny it. Now what the hell do you think you’re doing

fornicating with Germans? You know what could happen

‘How dare you speak to me like that!’

‘I dare. And if need be I’ll keep you locked in your room to

stop you seeing him again.’

For a moment Monique was speechless with rage. ‘Just

who do you think you are!’ she shouted. ‘I’m not a child…’

‘No! You’re a damned fool. You know as well as I do what

the penalty is for sleeping with a German. They call it

“polluting the master race”, Monique, and for that you can

be shot.’

‘But we’re in love!’ Monique cried, tears starting to pour

from her eyes. ‘You know what it’s like to be in love, so how

can you …’

‘Stop it! Stop it now!’ Claudine shouted. ‘If he’s in love

with you, why is he putting you in this danger?’ An image of

Francois flashed into her mind and for once she was

relieved that no one knew how they felt about each other. ‘If

I can find out so easily what’s going on,’ she continued, ‘then so can others. The worst that can happen to Hans is that he’ll be transferred elsewhere. But you, you could find

yourself facing a firing squad and there won’t be a damned

thing he can do to help you.’

Burying her face in her hands, Monique started to run

from the room, but Claudine caught her and pulled her

back. ‘No!’ she said firmly. ‘You are not going to run away.

You’re going to sit here and talk to me, and I’m not letting

you leave until I have your word that you won’t see him

again.’

‘You can’t stop me!’ Monique sobbed.

‘I can stop you, and I will. I care a great deal about you,

Monique, so do the rest of your family, and think what it

would do to your mother if she were to find out.’ Then,

realizing that she was being perhaps a little too harsh, she

softened her voice and said, ‘Come and sit down, Monique.

Sit down and listen to what I have to say.’

Once they were sitting side by side on the bed, she took a

handkerchief from her pocket and wiped the tears from

Monique’s cheeks. ‘I’m sorry I flew off the handle,’ she said

gently, ‘but I was afraid for you. I still am.’

Monique’s wide, amber eyes looked at her, searching her

face as if she might find the answers to the misery of her life.

‘Oh, Claudine,’ she said, her voice catching in her throat.

‘Claudine, I don’t know what to do any more. I’m so lonely. I

can’t find anyone to love me, to care about me. What’s

wrong with me? Please tell me. Why is this happening?’

wish I did. But you can’t go on seeing Hans, you know that,

don’t you?’

‘But what if he’s the right one for me? What if we’re

meant to be together?’

Claudine shook her head. ‘He’s not, Monique. This may

hurt you, but I have to make you understand that he is

simply using you. Armand tells me that Hans has quite a

reputation in Chinon, that he sleeps with a lot of the girls.’

‘That’s not true!’ Monique wailed. ‘How would Armand

know, anyway?’

‘Estelle told him. She was the one who first saw you at the

cottage with Hans. Now listen, I’m going to let you into a

secret. It won’t exactly make up for anything, but I think it’ll

make you a little happier than you are now. But you have to

swear to me first that you won’t tell Solange.’

‘I swear,’ Monique said.

Claudine took a deep breath, sent up a silent prayer that

she was doing the right thing, then put her hands on

Monique’s shoulders and said, ‘I’ve seen Lucien. He’s been

here…’ But she got no further, for Monique let out a howl

and fell sobbing into her arms.

‘Lucien!’ she cried. ‘Lucien! Where is he now? Oh,

Claudine, why didn’t he see me too? But I know why. Oh,

Claudine, I can’t bear it. I love him so much. And Francois.

They love me, they’re the only men who love me. I want

them back here, Claudine. I want Francois. Francois makes

everything all right. He understands. He knows about

Lucien and he understands the way I feel. But I can’t feel it,

Claudine. I mustn’t. It’s wrong, but I can’t help it. I love him

so much …’

A cold dread was starting to run through Claudine’s

veins, and pulling Monique away from her shoulder she

looked into her eyes. ‘What are you saying, Monique?’ she

whispered. ‘What do you mean, it’s wrong?’

Monique started to shake her head, and tearing herself

away, she pushed her face into the pillow. ‘Nothing!’ she

cried. ‘I don’t mean anything. I can’t tell you. I can’t tell

anyone. Only Francois knows.’

‘Knows what, cherie?’

‘Nothing! I shouldn’t have said …’ Her body was

convulsed with sobs and Claudine could only stare at her in

horror.

‘Monique, are you in love with Lucien?’ she said finally,

staggered that she should even be thinking such a thing.

The silence that followed was confirmation enough, and

for the moment Claudine felt too shocked to move. She

looked at Monique. She was so still that for a moment

Claudine thought she might have fainted. ‘Does Lucien

know?’ Her voice was like an echo inside her head.

After what felt like an unbearably long time, Monique

pulled herself up and looked into Claudine’s eyes. But she

couldn’t hold the gaze and lowered her head. ‘No one

knows,’ she said huskily. ‘Except Francois.’

‘How does he know?’ Claudine whispered.

Monique blew her nose noisily. ‘I told him. When I was

fifteen. He found me crying one day and made me tell him

why. I’d just come from Lucien’s room where I’d caught

him making love to the maid. They didn’t see me, but I

stood there for a long time watching them, and I was so

jealous that I just wanted to kill her. Francois said it was

natural for me to be jealous. He said that it had come as a

shock to me to realize that Lucien could love another girl.

He said that when I was older and had a relationship of my

own, I’d understand how it was possible to love in two

different ways. But I knew the way I was feeling wasn’t

normal. Lucien’s my brother, my own flesh and blood, and I

wanted him to hold me the way he …

‘Oh Claudine, I tried so hard to believe what Francois

had told me, but I knew I couldn’t wait until I was older, I

had to find oat then. So I got one of the men from the I

vineyards to make love to me, but it was no good, I couldn’t I

get Lucien and the maid out of my mind. I kept imagining

that Christophe, the man from the vineyards, was Lucien

… I told Francois, but he only said that it was because I

didn’t really love Christophe. He dismissed Christophe

then, I know he did, though he told me that Christophe had

left of his own accord…’

She looked up and Claudine’s heart turned over at the

anguish in her eyes. ‘The worst thing,’ she went on, ‘is that

Francois said the memory would fade - but it hasn’t. Every

time I make love with someone I see them together, her legs

wrapped around Lucien’s waist, Lucien’s back, his

shoulders, the sweat glistening on his skin… and I start to

imagine that I’m the maid and the man I’m with is Lucien.

I’ve tried so hard not to, I keep trying, but it’s all I can think of. I so desperately want to fall in love with someone else, to prove to myself that I’m normal, but…’ She looked off into

the distance and swallowed hard on her tears. ‘I don’t know

what to do, Claudine. I just don’t know what to do.’

Claudine felt a gurgle of laughter in her throat as relief

overcame her. ‘Oh Monique!’ she said, taking her hands,

‘Monique. It’s not what…’

‘Don’t! Don’t say anything. I should never have told you,

but I … It’s so horrible and it’s never going to change. I

know you despise me now, I don’t blame you! I despise

myself. I want to die, so many times I’ve just wanted to …’

‘Ssh!’ Claudine soothed. ‘Just tell me, when did you last

talk to Francois about this?’

Monique shrugged. ‘I don’t know. A long time ago.

When I was twenty, I think.’

‘Then you’re a silly goose. You should have talked to him

again.’

‘Why? It’s his brother I’m talking about as well as mine.

And he knows I still feel the way I do, but he’s as disgusted

by it as you are. But he understood, at first… Oh Claudine,

so many awful things have happened because of it. Francois

… Francois killed someone because of it.’

Claudine’s face turned white. ‘What do you mean? What

are you saying, Monique?’

‘Francois killed a woman because she loved Lucien. He

knew I was jealous, so he killed her. I didn’t want him to do

it, but it was…No, I can’t think of it. It was all so terrible. It

was all my fault…’

‘Monique, calm down,’ Claudine said firmly. ‘Now tell

me, who was the woman?’

‘Her name was Hortense. Hortense de Bourchain.’

It was the name Claudine had expected to hear, yet still

she was stunned. ‘No, Monique,’ she said slowly. ‘You’re

wrong. I don’t know why Francois killed her, but he

wouldn’t have done it for the reasons you think.’

‘How do you know? You weren’t here. He’s never told

you…’

‘He told me he killed her, but I know he wouldn’t have done

it because of the way you feel - you think you feel - about

Lucien. Monique, you’ve got to listen to me, and you must try

to understand what I’m saying. Francois was right when he

told you you were shocked by finding Lucien in bed with the

maid, and the way you responded was quite natural, given your

age and how close you are to Lucien. But somehow you’ve

managed to build it out of all proportion; you’re so obsessed by

the image of Lucien making love that you can’t see beyond it.

But you aren’t going to exorcise the image by sleeping with

every man you meet. Either your desperation will frighten

them - as it did with Freddy - or your vulnerability will lead

them to use you - as happened with Karol and with Hans.’

‘You’re not listening to me,’ Monique cried. ‘I think of

Lucien when I’m making love with them, that’s why things

go wrong. Oh, they don’t know it, I can hide it, but it’s true,

and somehow they must sense it.’

(

I’

‘No! All they sense is that they’ve got hold of a woman

they can turn into a slave. The answer doesn’t lie with these

men, it lies with you. You have to face the truth - which is

much, much easier than the terrible misconception you’ve

been living with. Oh, if only you’d talked to Francois again.

He would have helped you, things might never have gone

this far … He probably thinks you’re over it.’

‘Well, I’m not over it.’ Monique stood up abruptly. ‘I

don’t want to discuss it any more. Please, I beg you, don’t

ever refer to it again. I’ll stop seeing Hans, I’ll do anything

you ask of me, but please …’ She broke down again, and

before Claudine could stop her she had run out of the room.

If she hadn’t at that moment heard the haunting owl hoot

that was her signal to receive a message from Lucien,

Claudine would have gone after her. She had no intention

of letting the matter rest there. Monique was not in love with

Lucien, but it was going to take a great deal of time, patience

and understanding to help her put that adolescent trauma

into perspective. However, for the moment the call from the

forest was more pressing, and putting her coat round her

shoulders, she let herself out into the icy rain and ran to the

far edge of the bridge.

She waited, and after a few minutes a dark figure loomed

out of the shadows. Her heart lurched into her throat. He

was wearing heavy boots, a belted fur jerkin, and a

voluminous black cap was pulled down over his eyes. She

dreaded to think what Armand, or more particularly

Francois, would say if they knew what she was doing now,

but she pushed the thought to one side and watched the man

approach.

‘It’s snowing in Paris,’ he told her, his voice barely

reaching her through the howl of the wind.

‘It often does in spring,’ she answered, her heart thudding wildly.

The stranger smiled briefly, then said, ‘Two coming

through tomorrow night. Go to the tabac in Monts. Hand

over these ration tickets,’ he passed them to her, ‘and ask for five packets of Gauloises. The answer you receive should be I have only three. Ask to smoke one there - since women aren’t permitted to smoke in public it won’t be such an unusual