Darkest Longings (90 page)

had Jacqueline loved him like that? Why had Hortense?

Elise? Why, even, had Claudine?

He knew he would never understand it. He had never

shown any of them affection, encouragement or concern,

yet they had all loved him. Claudine was different, of course,

because he had fallen in love with her. But at the beginning,

when she had first come to Lorvoire, he had failed to drive

her away even though he had treated her to all the vileness

he was capable of.

Was it true that no woman could resist a challenge? That

not loving them was the surest way to win them? It would

seem so. But that did not really explain what had happened

to Jacqueline, Hortense and Elise. Why was it that they had

all but lost their minds for wanting him?

There were no answers, there was only punishment. The

punishment of guilt, confusion and … He threw back his

head and gazed up at the sky. He had known during all those

weeks when Claudine fought for her life that he would lose

her in the end. That God would take her to punish him for

what he had done to the others. No one had given up hope,

not his mother, not Lucien, not even the doctor - but he, he

had known she would go. As he’d held her in his arms and

told her over and over how much he loved her, he’d known

that in the end she would leave him. But he had never told

her that; instead he had made her smile with the awkwardness

of his words, and had brought colour to her cheeks

when speaking of their love. And he had made her cry

because he cried, and now he wondered if he was going to

cry forever.

‘I love you, Francois.’

He heard her voice, and the grief locked in his throat,

choking him. ‘I love you too, Claudine,’ he whispered. And

closing his eyes, he turned his face to heaven and started to

pray. Thank you, he said, over and over. Thank you, Mary

Mother of Christ, for the love. Thank you for her beauty, for

her strength, her will and determination. Thank you for

letting her be mine, for the love in my own heart… He

looked down at where she was sitting on the grass at his feet,

and as his eyes blurred he added, but thank you most of all

for sparing her.

Her pale, tired face was gazing up at him, and he smiled.

‘What are you thinking?’ she said softly.

‘I’m thinking of how merciful God is,’ he answered,

reaching out for her hands and pulling her to her feet.

‘For letting me live?’

He nodded.

looked lovingly into his eyes, then pulled his mouth

to hers. ‘You were crying,’ she said.

‘Yes.’ And his mouth tilted in an ironic smile.

She watched him, knowing that it had taken great

strength for him to give in to his tears. This wasn’t the first

time he had wept, nor would it be the last. What had

happened to him, to those he loved, would have broken any

other man, and if she had died maybe it would have been the

end for him. When she was so ill she had seen the spirit

fading in him, dulling his eyes and extinguishing the light in

his soul - and it was that that had given her the will to wrest

herself from the hands of death. And now she would be

there for him always, to soothe his wounds, those terrible

internal wounds that were going to take many years to heal.

Outwardly there would be no sign of them, and there would

be times when he would try to hide them even from her. But

she knew him too well - and she knew too that the way to

treat him was not only with sympathy and understanding,

but with defiance. Which was why now, as he told her that

he was sending her to England, she protested.

‘No buts, Claudine,’ he said, smoothing the hair from her

face. ‘This war is far from over, and you have stayed too long

already. I should have been firm at the outset - I shall not

make that mistake again.’

‘I won’t go,’ she said. ‘If you stay to fight on with Lucien,

then so do I.’

‘Claudine,’ he said, trying to inject a little menace into his

voice.

‘No, I told you before, you don’t frighten me with that

tone. Besides, bombs are falling all over England. It’s safer

here.’

‘With every German from here to Paris and beyond

looking for you?’

‘And for you. So, if you stay, I stay with you.’

‘Don’t think I’m afraid to argue just because you’re not

fully recovered,’ he warned. ‘You’ll do as I tell you and that’s

final’

‘No. My mind is made up, I’m not being parted from you.’

His eyes rolled in exasperation. ‘I reminded you once

before, on this very hillside, that you promised before God

to love, honour and obey me. The first you do admirably, but

your efforts on the second and third counts are deplorable.

You are going to England.’

‘But my instincts are telling me …’

‘Oh, no, no, no, no!’ he laughed. ‘You’ll be telling me next

that the gypsy foresaw this hillside scenario and strongly

advised you not to give in.’

‘She did.’

He shook his head. ‘No. I don’t believe it. And even if I

did, I wouldn’t listen. You are going to England.’

‘Then so are you.’

‘That’s right.’

‘I won’t argue any more if… What did you say?’

‘I said, that’s right.’

‘Meaning?’

‘That I’m going to England too.’

Her face started to beam. ‘Francois!’ she cried, throwing

her arms around him. ‘So you won’t let us be parted after all?’

‘Of course not.’

‘Then why didn’t you say so?’

‘Because I love the way your eyes flash when you’re

defying me,’ he grinned.

‘Oh, kiss me, Francois,’ she cried. ‘Kiss me before I hit

you.’ It was a long and tender embrace that filled both their

hearts with such love that neither wanted to stop. So it was a

long time later when she turned in his arms to look down at

the valley. He pulled her back to lean against him, resting

his chin on her head.

‘We’ll go soon,’ he said. ‘Maybe in a week. Do you think

you’ll be up to the journey?’

‘I think so. Will we be following the same route as Jack

and Monique?’

‘Yes.’

She pondered quietly for a moment, then said, ‘Do you

think anything will come of their relationship?’

‘Yes.’

She tilted her head back to look at him. ‘You seem very

certain.’

‘I am. Jack talked to me before they left. The only thing

they have to decide is whether they live in France or

America.’

‘But Monique is so French, I can’t see her living anywhere else.’

‘She’s in love, Claudine. She’ll live where Jack wants her

to live. You see, some wives do obey their husbands.’

‘But most wives don’t have such a tyrant as I have.’

She laughed as he dug her in the ribs, then purred softly

as he pulled back her hair to kiss her neck.

‘Will you join de Gaulle when you get to England?’ she

asked.

‘Yes. I have a great deal of information that will be

extremely valuable to the Allies.’

‘But after the war, when it’s all over, will you stop then?’

‘Do you want me to?’

‘I don’t want you to be in any more danger.’

‘Then I shall stop.’

‘Just like that?’ she said, amazed.

‘Just like that,’ he confirmed.

‘Which means you had already decided to anyway. We’ll

come back here though, won’t we? To Lorvoire?’

‘Of course. If we’re all still alive.’

‘Don’t be so gloomy. Do you think you’ll be able to stand

doing nothing?’

‘I think so. What about you?’

‘I think so.’

He chuckled. ‘You couldn’t do nothing if your life

depended on it. Which is why I have decided that you will

run the vineyards.’

The?’ she gasped.

‘Yes, you. You know a great deal already, and while

they’re being re-planted we’ll send you to the agricultural

college to find out the rest.’

‘And what will you be doing?’

The? I shall be selling the wine, of course. And when I’m

not doing that, I shall be sitting in the bosom of my family

trying to cope with an overworked wife and overactive

children.’

She smiled at the improbable picture he painted, and

relaxed against him. ‘I’m glad you’re coming to England,’

she said a few minutes later. ‘It’s easier that way. You see, I

really wouldn’t have been parted from you, no matter what

you said, but I do think it’s better that I don’t give birth to

this baby in a barn.’

His hands, which had been idly stroking her arms,

suddenly stopped. Then taking her by the shoulders, he

turned her to face him. ‘You mean… ? Are you telling

me… ?’

She nodded.

‘Oh, Claudine,’ he breathed, clasping her in his arms.

‘Claudine, chine. Why didn’t you tell me before?’

‘Because I only found out a few weeks ago. Doctor

Lebrun told me, on one of his visits.’

‘Doctor Lebrun knew? But why didn’t he tell me? All the

time he’s been coming to the Abbey to see you …’

‘Because I asked him not to. I was afraid that if I died,

you’d see it as a Divine punishment for what had happened

to Armand. He had lost his wife and child, you’d have lost

yours too. I didn’t want you thinking that way. I didn’t want

you to go on blaming yourself for something you could have

done nothing to prevent. Jacqueline is dead now, so too is

Armand, and we must bury the past with them. You must

bury the past. You must let it go, my darling, and stop

torturing yourself with all the questions that keep spinning

around in your head.

‘I know what you ask yourself, you want to know why

those women loved you so much. Well, all I can tell you is

that you are different. That there is something in you that

sets you apart from other men. I don’t know why that should

be, but you must just accept it. God made you the way you

are. He gave you the heart of a lion, the mind of Machiavelli,

and the face of a devil. But he gave you something else too.

He gave you a presence and a power. But it is a power, a

presence, a mind and a heart that I love more than any other

in the world. And I didn’t want you to suffer any more if I

died. I couldn’t bear to think of you tearing yourself apart

with guilt. And that’s what you would have done if you’d

known that our child had died too.’

‘Oh, Claudine,’ he breathed, taking her face between his

hands.

For the moment he couldn’t speak, his heart was too full,

but at last he said, ‘Some people believe that love, real love,

is experienced by very few, and that to attain that love you

must know pain and suffering and heartache. If they are

right, if the depth of love is measured by the depth of

suffering, you can be in no doubt that what I have for you is a

very great love indeed.’

‘No, I am in no doubt,’ Claudine said. ‘No doubt at all.

We have suffered, we have loved, we have been happy and

we have been sad. And all those things are waiting for us in the future too. I know, when you thought I would die, that you wanted to die too. It was then that I decided I must live. I

wanted to live for you, for our children and for all that the

future will bring. And I wanted to live so that you could

never be in any doubt that what I have for you is a very great

love indeed.’