Darkening Chaos: Book Three of The Destroyer Trilogy (20 page)

“Libby,
wait,” he begs.

I
stumble in confusion, and he grabs me, pulling me into a kiss that erases every
other thought in my head. For a moment, I can’t move. I can’t believe he didn’t
let me go, but as soon as my disbelief fades, I press against him even closer
and revel in the taste of his lips. Lightning scatters over my skin and half
convinces me I haven’t lost my Companion after all. That fantasy evaporates as
we finally part, but the love I thought I saw in Braden doesn’t. He pulls me
into his arms and holds me like he never plans on letting me go again. In his
arms now, I truly hope he doesn’t.

“Libby,
please don’t go. Wait. I’m sorry,” Braden whispers. He shakes his head and
squeezes my arms painfully. “I should let you leave. You’re better off without
me. I really can’t offer you anything anymore, but … I can’t let you go. I
thought I could, but I can’t do it. I just can’t.”

Joy
I can’t even begin to describe runs rampant through my body. I have lost so
much in my life, but faced with losing Braden’s love, I felt more agony than I
have at any other time. I have starved myself of him for weeks in order to
salvage what I broke with Milo. I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to live
without him.

“I
can’t let you go, either,” I say. Swallowing any other doubts, I say what I
have wanted to say for months. “I love you, Braden.”

His
body shudders against mine. I don’t resist when he crushes me in his arms. “Do
you really? After everything that’s happened?”

“Yes.”

I
can feel his relief as he kisses my forehead. There’s still some doubt in his mind
that I don’t resent him at least a little for attacking me. I knew it was never
his choice. Maybe the fact that I eventually forgave Lance for doing the same
thing should make it easier to believe, but the uncertainty is still there.
I’ll convince him. I have no doubt about that, at least.

Gently,
Braden pushes me back and kisses me again. I’m slow to open my eyes when he
pulls back. I can feel him moving to my ear. His breath tickles as he whispers,
“I love you, too. I’ve missed you so much.”

“I
missed you, too, Braden. I could hardly stand being away from you.”

He
kisses me again and leaves his forehead pressed against mine. “Today was worse
than any other for me. Knowing it was your birthday … but not being able to see
you was torture. You’ve been the only thing I could think about all day.”

“You
remembered my birthday?” I ask.

“Why
do you think I was out so late?” he says. “I spent all day hiking in the Bosque
trying to keep myself from going to see you.”

“Why?
Did you really think I wouldn’t want to see you? I’ve been sitting outside your
house for weeks. I wanted to come forever ago, but I … I promised Milo I
wouldn’t. I didn’t stay away because I didn’t want to see you.”

My
insides suddenly twist and churn as my decision finally begins to sink in. It’s
not just my broken promise to Milo that sickens me, it’s knowing that I will
never be his again. Braden’s reaction is no less severe. His hands freeze in
their pattern of stroking up and down my back at the mention of that name.

“Milo,”
he says slowly. “I can’t do that anymore. Libby, I love you, but after being
away from you for so long and nearly losing my mind, I can’t be someone in your
background. You’re almost like an addiction to me. I can’t just have little
moments and stolen glimpses. I have to have all of you every second of the day,
or … or I have to make myself let you go. It will only hurt us both.” Braden’s
eyes close, his breathing lurching and distressed. “I can’t … there’s no way …”

I
press my hands against Braden’s face, running my fingers over his eyes, drawing
him closer to me. Gently, I kiss his lips. I kiss his eyes. I hold him with my
love until he looks at me. “Braden, I would never ask you to go back to being
my secret. If you really want me, no connection confusing things, then I will
be yours. All of me, every second of the day.”

Happiness
simmers over Braden’s body, but he asks, “Are you sure? I didn’t come to you
because I thought you didn’t want me around anymore. At first, I was just
scared and angry after you stopped me, but then I realized I couldn’t feel you like
I used to. With my talents gone, we weren’t Companions anymore. You spent so
much time trying to push me away … I thought that once you realized the link
between us was gone you’d be glad to be rid of me. I knew I wasn’t your first
choice.”

I
can barely speak, the ache in my heart is so consuming, but I can’t bear
letting him think that one second longer. “I never stopped wanting you. I
pushed you away before because I wanted you so much even though I knew I
shouldn’t.”

“What
about Milo?”

“I
love Milo,” I say quietly, accepting the etching pain those words cause now, “but
I knew the moment I said I missed you that I had made my choice. It will hurt
him to know I can’t be with him anymore—it hurts me, too—but I can’t go back to
him now.”

An
ache that begins in my chest slowly spreads through my limbs. I will never feel
his arms around me again—never smile when his lips touch mine. The smell of his
cologne will only bring tears to my eyes when I catch its scent from now on. I
look up at Braden, a tear slipping down my cheek no matter how hard I try to
contain it.

“It
hurts so much to lose Milo,” I admit, “but just now, when I thought you didn’t
love me and never had, I have never been so close to breaking. That pain was so
much worse than anything else, worse than the last couple weeks spending every
day with the fear that Milo might change his mind and leave me. I’ve never felt
anything so agonizing before tonight. I can’t lose you, Braden. I would lose my
hope, my happiness without you in my life. I won’t ever let go of you again.”

He
tries to keep the smile off his face and the tears from his eyes. Comfort for
my sorrow and compassion for what I am feeling surround me. I know he mirrors
at least some of what I feel for the hurt we have caused Milo. He wants me and
won’t let me go, but he understands loss and pain very well. He holds me until
my hurts mellow under the caress of his love.

Slowly,
he pulls back and kisses me softly. The pain is still there, but I know I have
made the right choice by the peace that wraps itself around me. The happiness I
feel isn’t the bubbly kind that evaporates so quickly, but the soul-deep brand
that becomes a part of you forever. I want to gather it up and put it in my pocket
for what I know is coming in the days ahead. I slide my hand up to cover
Braden’s where it’s resting against my cheek. My two rows of diktats press up
against his bare skin, refocusing my thoughts. We both stare at them.

“I’m
going to find a way to give them back,” I tell him.

He
sighs. “Libby, it’s okay. I wasn’t really mad at you. I was angry at how
everything had turned out. As long as I know I have you, I can deal with having
no talents. You’re all that matters to me.”

“I’m
going to find a way, Braden.”

Pure
determination makes my words hard and forceful. Braden’s head tilts to one side
in question. “Why?”

“Because
I love you, and I want to,” I say honestly, “but also, because I have to.”

Chapter
16

Slow Caress

Explaining everything
Braden has missed over the last couple of weeks takes forever. Neither of us
really pays attention to the time. Now that I have Braden, I never want to let
go of him, but a touch or kiss from him reminds me too often that I will never
have that again with Milo. I try to hold off the anguish I know is waiting for
me tomorrow long enough to get through my explanation. It’s late, after midnight,
before I finally manage to tell him everything. Only when I get to what Hope
revealed this morning does Braden begin to understand what I was trying to tell
him earlier.

“Libby,
you don’t really think this Socius thing is talking about me, do you?” Braden
asks. “I mean, it must be a mistake. I’ve never heard of you needing someone to
help you destroy the world.”

“I’m
not supposed to destroy the world. That’s just another Guardian lie. They’ve
twisted everything about me, because they knew I was going to bring them down.
This stuff about the Socius helping me is old, older than they thought to look,
I guess.” He’s looking down at his wrist. I pull his chin up to face me. “And
you’re wrong about me not needing help. You've already proved to me that I
can’t do this without you.”

He
turns his head and kisses the palm of my hand as he smiles. “I don’t think this
has anything to do with you falling in love with me, Libby.”

The
way his lips tickle my skin makes me smile. “That’s not what I mean, even if it
is true.”

“Then
what?”

“I’m
talking about you helping me free the Ciphers,” I say. “I never could have freed
them all without you there. You gave me the extra strength and power I needed
to manage performing an Inquest on that many people. Taking down the Guardians
is going to be ten times more difficult. I don’t think I can do it without
you.”

I
watch as his mouth turns down in a thoughtful frown. He knows I’m right. When I
first felt the connection to Braden and saw the spiritual link that told
everyone what we were, I felt like I had been cursed. I didn’t want it. The
sight of the link was beautiful and enchanting, but it scared me to death. The
fact that Braden could give me his Oath and give me that boost to my power
constantly, even stronger than without it, seemed like an awful twist of fate
at the time. Now, I’m beginning to think that his being a Guardian capable of
giving me such an Oath in the first place, something not every set of Spiritual
Companions can have, is not only a wonderful thing I crave, but no accident.

I
don’t really believe in Fate in the sense of your life being predetermined and
you can’t do anything to change it, but I have come to believe that a person
might be set up to do something amazing if they only recognize the possibility
and grab onto it. The possibilities have to be realistic, though. Fate, God, a
magic mushroom, whoever sets these things up wouldn’t expect me to destroy
something like the Guardians without giving me the tools I need to actually
accomplish it. I cringe at the idea of Braden being a tool, but I know he wants
to stop them as much as I do.

“What
are we going to do, then?” Braden asks.

“I
don’t know, but I promise I’ll find a way to give you back your talents.” There
has to be something I can do.

“It’s
too bad Mr. Walters is gone,” Braden says sadly. “He could find out things
nobody else could. Maybe there’s something in his notes.”

“Maybe,”
I say, but I don’t have a lot of hope. He was the one who gave me the idea to
take Braden’s talents in the first place, but I know that isn’t why he
mentioned the betrayal. He couldn’t have known what I would do. He told me to
forget Braden. There is some other reason he reminded me of what my dad tried
to do to me. I have no idea what that might be, though. Either way, at the rate
Hope is blowing through his notes, we’ll know soon enough.

I
start to suggest that maybe we should go over the transcribed notes I already
have together, to see if there is something Braden will catch that we didn’t, when
my empty stomach grumbles. It’s loud enough that Braden hears it and laughs.

“Hungry?”
he asks.

“A
little bit. Sorry. I came here right after school, and you have no food in your
house … still,” I say. “Don’t you ever go grocery shopping?”

He
smiles. “Hasn’t been my top priority lately. You want me to go get you
something? It’s late, but I’m sure there’s still a few places open. Or, I’m
more than happy to take you somewhere.”

“No,”
I say, shaking my head and pulling closer to him, “I don’t want to go anywhere
right now. I just want to stay with you, nobody else. I don’t want to leave,
Braden.”

I
know there’s no longer any real threat of the Guardians seeing us together like
their used to be, but I’m not concerned about their prying eyes. If we were to
run into Milo by some freak chance and he saw us together before I have the
chance to talk to him, I couldn’t bear it. It will be horrible enough telling
him what happened tonight and that I have made a decision I won’t go back on. I
would never put him through finding out from anyone but me.

I
made this choice, and I will have to accept the consequences for it. And I know
that when I tell Milo, the ache I feel now will get so much worse. I will be
forced to accept that the boy who befriended me when no one else would will
never look at me with any kind of love again. I shiver as the depth of my
decisions sinks in more deeply.

Braden
feels my dimming mood and pulls me into his arms. “You’re thinking about Milo,
aren’t you?”

I
nod, the impending pain feeling so very near.

“Is
there anything I can do?” he asks. “This is my fault, not yours. I pursued you
even though I knew you were with Milo. I know it was wrong. I’m so sorry for
the pain I’ve cause you and Milo. I wanted you so badly I made excuses for my
choices, but I know that doesn’t make it right. You don’t have to face him
tomorrow. It should be me. I deserve whatever he chooses to throw at me.”